Non virgin gf want to wait until marriage what should I do?

[David Graham]

Hey everybody.

I’m 22 and I have a girlfriend for 3 months now, she is my first girlfriend and I really love her, we were best friends for 6 months before we were a couple.

When I asked her out she told me she wants to wait until marriage for religious beliefs and I told her it probably won't be easy for me but I want her so much (also as a friend) that I'm willing to take it as an “experiment” because she told me she has no problem with oral sex.

I knew she had 2 exes when I asked her out and that the first one was abusive and toxic and they lasted for a year until she broke up with him ans the second one broke up with her after 6 months.

After one month of me dating her she told me she is not a virgin and she had sex with her first ex because he mentally abused her and didn't stop talking with her about it.

Now I'm feeling very frustrated, we agreed that if she changes her mind about sex she would tell me so I don't have to remind her sometimes that it's hard for me.

For me sex is more emotionally important than physically and I had many opportunities to lose my verginity but declined because I want to have sex only with the girl I love.

This girl is really the love of my life and I found myself a gf which is also my best friend.

I thought about telling her that I'm not willing to wait until marriage, and that I love her so much and feel frustrated that I can't express my love to her in the most intimate was possible and it's hard for me.

I thought waiting a whole year of dating to say that so she will know I'm serious about our relationship and that I'm not using her for sex.

I won't lie I'm thinking way too much about the fact she had sex with her ex.

What should I do?

[ExpatInItaly]

The fact that you're already frustrated after just 3 months is  not good. 

That doesn't mean you're wrong in your desire for sex, to be clear. However, I think it was not very realistic of you to agree to wait until marriage when that's not truly what you want. She isn't wrong to want to wait, regardless of her prior sexual experience. She's decided it's not right for her. But you have a fundamental incompatibility here. 

If she is uncomfortable with having sex before marriage, there is not much you can (or should) do to try to change her mind. That's her prerogative and you need to respect the choice she's made about her own body. You, though, will have to decide if the wait is worth it, especially considering you have only been together 3 months. You two are in the honeymoon phase, and making big declarations that she's the love of your life is rather premature. You don't know each other well as a couple yet, and there is no guarantee you will make it to the altar. This is just the beginning. So, ask yourself this: if she does not change her mind, will you be happy and satisfied contiuing this way for the next few years?

Because that's probably what you're looking at if you two are successful as a couple and eventually move towards marriage. If you're not, you have a big decision to make about whether or not you want to stay together. Since there is no guarantee that you two will marry, how will you feel if you stay together a while and break up, never having done the deed anyway? Would you be at peace with that possible outcome? 

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, David Graham said:

 I had many opportunities to lose my verginity but declined because I want to have sex only with the girl I love.

Are you both from the same culture/religion?

If sex is reserved for marriage in her mind or culture/religion and you want more, you're not compatible.

Oral sex is sex, btw and you can get STDs from that as well.

You don't know each other that well and you've only been dating 12 weeks and already so many incompatibilities and red flags 🚩.

If you are eager to lose your virginity, this isn't the best situation for you.

You seem to want to pressure her into sex now that you know her past experience. That's not going to end well. One of you will end up resenting the other.

Break up and get more experience dating. She doesn't want to have sex at this time and until marriage. But you do.

[David Graham]

4 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

The fact that you're already frustrated after just 3 months is  not good. 

That doesn't mean you're wrong in your desire for sex, to be clear. However, I think it was not very realistic of you to agree to wait until marriage when that's not truly what you want. She isn't wrong to want to wait, regardless of her prior sexual experience. She's decided it's not right for her. But you have a fundamental incompatibility here. 

If she is uncomfortable with having sex before marriage, there is not much you can (or should) do to try to change her mind. That's her prerogative and you need to respect the choice she's made about her own body. You, though, will have to decide if the wait is worth it, especially considering you have only been together 3 months. You two are in the honeymoon phase, and making big declarations that she's the love of your life is rather premature. You don't know each other well as a couple yet, and there is no guarantee you will make it to the altar. This is just the beginning. So, ask yourself this: if she does not change her mind, will you be happy and satisfied contiuing this way for the next few years?

Because that's probably what you're looking at if you two are successful as a couple and eventually move towards marriage. If you're not, you have a big decision to make about whether or not you want to stay together. Since there is no guarantee that you two will marry, how will you feel if you stay together a while and break up, never having done the deed anyway? Would you be at peace with that possible outcome? 

As I said,we know each other for 9 months now ans since the day we met wer'e talking 24/7 and we are really best friends.

I'm not willing do to anything against her will, or convince her to something,I totally respect her and love her,but with that said it's hard for me that she had sex with her ex (which treated her like s***), and that we have oral sex but not regular sex.

I really see future with this girl and I feel sex is the most intimate way to show love to a person and that's the reason I'm virgin,I didn't feel like I feel to this girl to anyone before.

except for sex our relationship is amazing and rare to find because we cam from best friend into couple.

I want to tell her honestly than I am willing to wait, but not until marriage, but I can wait for example a year if she will be ready within a year but no one gurantees she indeed be ready within a year,but on the other hand I don't want to lose our relationship and friendship.

[David Graham]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Are you both from the same culture/religion?

If sex is reserved for marriage in her mind or culture/religion and you want more, you're not compatible.

Oral sex is sex, btw and you can get STDs from that as well.

You don't know each other that well and you've only been dating 12 weeks and already so many incompatibilities and red flags 🚩.

If you are eager to lose your virginity, this isn't the best situation for you.

You seem to want to pressure her into sex now that you know her past experience. That's not going to end well. One of you will end up resenting the other.

Break up and get more experience dating. She doesn't want to have sex at this time and until marriage. But you do.

wer'e not the same culture.

I know oral sex is sex but I'm confused why wer'e having oral sex but not regular sex and it upsets me she had sex with her ex which treated her bad.

we know each other really well, we met 9 months ago and since that day we met we're talking 24/7,we have been best friend for 6 months before we came a couple and we both felt like we were couple before we were actually a couple.

I am willing to wait for a year for example but not until marriage,I don't want to put any pressure on her and I really want her to want it also,I know no one gurantees she will want it before marriage and this is our only problem in the relationship to be honest,we are the most geniue and loving couple I've seen and I feel like we are soul mates.

I'm afraid of losing our friendship and altought I want sex,I want it respectfully and in the most loving way.

 

[Wiseman2]

55 minutes ago, David Graham said:

wer'e not the same culture.

 it upsets me she had sex with her ex which treated her bad.

I am willing to wait for a year for example but not until marriage,

Sow your wild oats elsewhere. At 22 you certainly don't want to marry in a year. And you're quite incompatible.

You don't even know each other for a year. Yet you're jealous that she had sex with someone else.

It's not working. You want intercourse and she wants marriage first. This is going to end badly with hurt and resentment.

Why tie yourself down? Date girls who are willing to have intercourse with you.

You may be better off staying friends with this one and dating girls from your own culture/religion, if that's the reason she won't have intercourse before marriage.

[ExpatInItaly]

9 months still isn't that long, OP. It's early days when you have known each other less than a year, and only been a couple for a fraction of that. 

She's already explained why she doesn't want to have sex now, so I am not sure why you're confused. It seems like this is less about sex itself and more because you're jealous that she slept with her ex. Are you worried she had stronger feelings for him than she does for you? 

[glows]

She doesn’t feel comfortable having sex with you. Don’t “remind” her of it. It doesn’t matter what she did in the past with her ex.

What matters is she’s not comfortable now and she cited religious reasons. Of course you’re free to disagree or call BS on that (to yourself, not to her) but be a little more respectful of each other and go your separate ways if this isn’t working for you.

Nine months is extremely short to be calling someone your best friend. The love blinders and honeymoon stage are still ongoing. Put aside the frustration for awhile, have a good long think about whether you’re compatible and stop forcing things. Move on if this isn’t for you. Be kind with each other if you cannot see eye to eye.

[David Graham]

3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sow your wild oats elsewhere. At 22 you certainly don't want to marry in a year. And you're quite incompatible.

You don't even know each other for a year. Yet you're jealous that she had sex with someone else.

It's not working. You want intercourse and she wants marriage first. This is going to end badly with hurt and resentment.

Why tie yourself down? Date girls who are willing to have intercourse with you.

You may be better off staying friends with this one and dating girls from your own culture/religion, if that's the reason she won't have intercourse before marriage.

I feel really lost, our connection is really strong and I never felt to anyone before like I feel to her.

I'm not with her for the sex,but it's an important part for me.

I'm sad she was abused in her past relationship and that her ex forced her mentally to have sex and she had sex with him altough she didn't want to.

I'm not willing to force or conviene her to anything she doesn't want to, I think I need to be honest with her and tell her I will not wait until marriage but I can wait for the time she will be ready (the problem is that I can't be sure she will be ready before marriage)

I really enjoy being around her and talking to her and so do she, but I feel like our sex perspective can lead to a break up maybe

[poppyfields]

OP, let's face it, you and this girl are on completely different wavelengths and frankly I'm pretty skeptical of her excuse for not having sex with you - religious reasons.

Where were her "religious reasons" when she had sex with her two ex's? 

You posted she told you one (or both) forced her?  That's a crime, its called rape, did she report him/them to the police? 

For whatever reason, she's not comfortable having sex with you, she may not be all that sexually attracted to you. Sorry. 

At three months, this profound love you claim you're feeling is merely raw sexual attraction and extreme horniness for the woman you sexually desire but whom you cannot have. 

It can be confusing but google it, it's a real thing and can play tricks with your mind and emotions. 

This goes beyond incompatibility imo, you're on completely different wavelengths with respect to sexual desire and perhaps even emotional attachment. 

Does she claim to be as much in love as you are?  Please understand women can be the greatest manipulators sometimes, and I'm a woman! 

Move on is my advice.  You're only 22, find a woman or women on your same wavelength who are sexually attracted to you. 

Good luck. 

Edited February 5, 2022 by poppyfields

[David Graham]

2 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

9 months still isn't that long, OP. It's early days when you have known each other less than a year, and only been a couple for a fraction of that. 

She's already explained why she doesn't want to have sex now, so I am not sure why you're confused. It seems like this is less about sex itself and more because you're jealous that she slept with her ex. Are you worried she had stronger feelings for him than she does for you? 

I'm confused because when she told me she wants to wait until marriage I thought she was virgin, only after a month she told me she had sex with her ex, that is really confusing for me.

I know she has stronger feelings for me than she had to him because we were best friend for 6 months and only then became couple and I see how loved and safe she feels with me

[David Graham]

1 hour ago, glows said:

She doesn’t feel comfortable having sex with you. Don’t “remind” her of it. It doesn’t matter what she did in the past with her ex.

What matters is she’s not comfortable now and she cited religious reasons. Of course you’re free to disagree or call BS on that (to yourself, not to her) but be a little more respectful of each other and go your separate ways if this isn’t working for you.

Nine months is extremely short to be calling someone your best friend. The love blinders and honeymoon stage are still ongoing. Put aside the frustration for awhile, have a good long think about whether you’re compatible and stop forcing things. Move on if this isn’t for you. Be kind with each other if you cannot see eye to eye.

I don't know if she doesn't feel comfortable of it's because of her belief.

It's hard for me not to think about the fact that she had sex with her ex.

I won't call it BS or try to change anything,I just feel like I need to tell her the truth and see what we can do about it

[David Graham]

6 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

OP, let's face it, you and this girl are on completely different wavelengths and frankly I'm pretty skeptical of her excuse for not having sex with you - religious reasons.

Where were her "religious reasons" when she had sex with her two ex's? 

You posted she told you one (or both) forced her?  That's a crime, its called rape, did she report him/them to the police? 

For whatever reason, she's not comfortable having sex with you, she may not be all that sexually attracted to you. Sorry. 

At three months, this profound love you claim you're feeling is merely raw sexual attraction and extreme horniness for the woman you sexually desire but whom you cannot have. 

It can be confusing but google it, it's a real thing and can play tricks with your mind and emotions. 

This goes beyond incompatibility imo, you're on completely different wavelengths with respect to sexual desire and perhaps even emotional attachment. 

Does she claim to be as much in love as you are?  Please understand women can be the greatest manipulators sometimes, and I'm a woman! 

Move on is my advice.  You're only 22, find a woman or women on your same wavelength who are sexually attracted to you. 

Good luck. 

Thanks for the honest reply.

she had 2 exes but had sex with only one of them, he abused her mentally to have sex with him (told her she doens't love him and bs like that),and she is pretty soft person so she agreed, I'm not willing to do such horrible thing to anyone, especially to the girl I love.

I'm very confused we have only oral sex but not regular sex,I told her I am a virgin becasue I wanted to wait for someone special that I truly love and I know I'm attractive and have nice personality and a lot of women were attracted to me in the past.

I am attracted to her mentally and physically and I feel like she is too,she calims to be as much in love as I am and our connection is really specail and beautiful.

I feel like I must talk to her about not willing to wait until marriage, altough I will wait until she will be ready (and no one gurantees she is gonna be ready until marriage,but I just have to put it out of my heart and be honest and see what we both can do about it)

[Coasting1991]

OP, you keep saying that you're mad that she had sex with her ex and not you. The past does not matter in this regard. What matters is that she does not want to have sex until marriage and you are already chomping at the bit only three months in. This isn't meant to be judgmental - I've been in a somewhat similar situation and I was frustrated too. Can you really see yourself waiting 2-3+ years? I know that you say this girl is the love of your life but you're only 22. You have so much more life to live.

4 minutes ago, David Graham said:

I feel like I must talk to her about not willing to wait until marriage, altough I will wait until she will be ready (and no one gurantees she is gonna be ready until marriage,but I just have to put it out of my heart and be honest and see what we both can do about it)

I would be very careful here. She's told you a clear boundary - no sex before marriage. Boundaries are of course malleable and can change over time but something like this is usually pretty important to people. 

[jspice]

23 minutes ago, David Graham said:

I feel really lost, our connection is really strong and I never felt to anyone before like I feel to her.

I'm not with her for the sex,but it's an important part for me.

I'm sad she was abused in her past relationship and that her ex forced her mentally to have sex and she had sex with him altough she didn't want to.

I'm not willing to force or conviene her to anything she doesn't want to, I think I need to be honest with her and tell her I will not wait until marriage but I can wait for the time she will be ready (the problem is that I can't be sure she will be ready before marriage)

I really enjoy being around her and talking to her and so do she, but I feel like our sex perspective can lead to a break up maybe

If someone has been abused in a relationship, and especially if she was raped by her partner, it can take a long time to trust someone. It’s even harder to have a normal sexual relationship. 
 

It you are going to insist on imposing YOUR time limit on when she should be ok for sex, then you should just break up. It doesn’t matter that you have a great friendship and whatever else you say. And please don’t even attempt to accuse her of being manipulative because you have a case of blue balls. That’s the last thing a rape victim needs. 
 

Respect her wishes and if you decide you can’t wait and break up, then she should respect your wishes. Allow her to find someone who will be ok with what she needs. You find someone who wants sex right away like you. 

[David Graham]

1 minute ago, Coasting1991 said:

OP, you keep saying that you're mad that she had sex with her ex and not you. The past does not matter in this regard. What matters is that she does not want to have sex until marriage and you are already chomping at the bit only three months in. This isn't meant to be judgmental - I've been in a somewhat similar situation and I was frustrated too. Can you really see yourself waiting 2-3+ years? I know that you say this girl is the love of your life but you're only 22. You have so much more life to live.

I would be very careful here. She's told you a clear boundary - no sex before marriage. Boundaries are of course malleable and can change over time but something like this is usually pretty important to people. 

I don't think I will be able to wait 2-3 years, I feel I cannot fully express my love to her,I know she was honest with me and told me she doesn't want to have sex before marriage, it surprised me and I said that I take it as an "experiment" because I'm not sure 100% about it, and other than sex I'm feeling my best around her.

we both agreed that if she changes her mind about it than she will tell me.

I really feel like I must tell her because it sits on my heart but I don't want to lose our friendship.

I don't judge her for her past like I would not like her to judge me for things I've done in the past.

I just feel like I'm lying to her and to myself by not telling it to her, but I can't find the best way to tell her.

[Wiseman2]

21 minutes ago, David Graham said:

I feel like I must talk to her about not willing to wait until marriage, altough I will wait until she will be ready. see what we both can do about it

She was crystal clear that she is waiting for marriage to have sex.  You seem to want to convince her to have sex on your timeline. That's not her problem, it's yours.

[stillafool]

Do you have plans to marry her and if so when is the date?   If you haven't even discussed a date and time to marry I don't see this lasting without a lot of frustration on your part.  You say she's your best friend, love of your life girl and you don't want to pressure her for sex so you will just have to deal with unmet sexual needs as long as you are with her.  Apparently you are not okay with that and that is why you're here.  Her other ex probably pressured her the way most boys do who have a virgin gf to get her to have sex.  My first bf did to but it doesn't mean I didn't want him.  I'm wondering if she's sexually attracted to you.

Edited February 5, 2022 by stillafool

[poppyfields]

OP, jmo but if you are truly in love with her as much as you claim, AND you believe her that she's waiting for religious reasons and not some other reason, you would be willing to wait as long as necessary, even years. 

You are having sex after all, oral sex which IS sex and I assume other forms of physical affection where you can express your love. 

In other words, IF you truly loved her, your love would be more powerful than sexual intercourse and since you are contemplating breaking up with her over this, that is why I suggested you reconsider how much you do love her. 

Cause to me, again, this sounds more like intense sexual attraction and desire and frustration that you're unable to "have" her.

Playing tricks with your mind and heart. 

Something to consider anyway. 

Edited February 5, 2022 by poppyfields

[David Graham]

13 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

She was crystal clear that she is waiting for marriage to have sex.  You seem to want to convince her to have sex on your timeline. That's not her problem, it's yours.

I don't want to convince her,I just want to make myself clear

[stillafool]

1 minute ago, David Graham said:

I don't want to convince her,I just want to make myself clear

What is your idea of "make myself clear" to her?

[David Graham]

10 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Do you have plans to marry her and if so when is the date?   If you haven't even discussed a date and time to marry I don't see this lasting without a lot of frustration on your part.  You say she's your best friend, love of your life girl and you don't want to pressure her for sex so you will just have to deal with unmet sexual needs as long as you are with her.  Apparently you are not okay with that and that is why you're here.  Her other ex probably pressured her the way most boys do who have a virgin gf to get her to have sex.  My first bf did to but it doesn't mean I didn't want him.  

I do see we can have potential future together due to the connection and friendship.

I feel like I must tell her I will not wait until marriage because it's not for me, but I don't want to pressure her and I do want to do it when she truly wants it

[ExpatInItaly]

3 minutes ago, David Graham said:

I don't want to convince her,I just want to make myself clear

Make yourself clear, then. 

But understand it might mean you need to find a different girlfriend. 

[stillafool]

Just now, David Graham said:

I do see we can have potential future together due to the connection and friendship.

I feel like I must tell her I will not wait until marriage because it's not for me, but I don't want to pressure her and I do want to do it when she truly wants it

When you tell her this you have to be prepared to walk away from the relationship.  You cannot be her friend after you break up because it will be too painful for you.  I think you are making the right decision for yourself.  You will find a girl you're more compatible with.  Who knows, once you tell this one good bye she may change her mind about the sex.

[David Graham]

7 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

OP, jmo but if you are truly in love with her as much as you claim, AND you believe her that she's waiting for religious reasons and not some other reason, you would be willing to wait as long as necessary, even years. 

You are having sex after all, oral sex which IS sex and I assume other forms of physical affection where you can express your love. 

In other words, your love would be more powerful than sexual intercourse and since you are contemplating breaking up with her over this, that is why I suggested you reconsider how much you do love her. 

Cause to me, again, this sounds more like sexual attraction and desire and frustration that you're unable to "have" her.

this is the strange situation I'm in-I do totally respect her and treat her like a queen, but I want to express love through sex which is the most intimate way for me.

Indeed oral sex is a sex.

it's hard for me to seperate her past, altough I'm not judging her for her past, I've also made mistakes in the past I don't want to be judged for them.

the thoughts about her ex having sex with her coming also with the thoughts of him abusing her and not just because he enjoyed having sex with her and me not.