Overeacting?

[John farraway]

Hi,

My wife and I have been married for 9 years and together for 10. Unfortunately it's all headed a little crazy over the past few weeks. I will keep it as to the point as possible and would really appreciate any kind of feedback, non judgemental if possible as trust me,  I have put myself through the ringer over the past few weeks.

We got married quite quickly after a passionate, whirlind first year. Even from the wedding I hadn't really listened to my wife and how she felt about the whole thing, so as you can imagine, probably was not the best start to our marriage journey. It is only on reflection this past few weeks i have realised just how bad it was.

Without going into too much detail it was more of a case of expecting my Wife to fit into my surroundings and my lifestyle, without much regard, empathy or compassion to how she was feeling. It wasn't the best start, although we did have our good times,  it set the tone for the next few years. I have done a lot on reflection over the past few weeks and have realised, without using excuses, this is exactly how my Mum and Dad are, my Dad had expected us to fit round him and my mum fell into line with it all, again no excuses but 8 have only really realised this. 

At this point I had credit card debt my wife never really knew about, again absolutely no excuses but I have never really valued money for some reason, this is something I really need to explore and I am over the next while as it is a huge problem!

We soon had our first child and things did get better, we where more of a team here than we ever have been. Our daughter brought us together and we where happy. We then became pregnant with our second child quite quickly, this was more of my idea as I was an only child and wanted our child to have a sibling. I have no idea what the hell happened during the pregnancy of our second child. Speaking with my wife she said I became distant, again expecting her to do everything and fit in around everything I was doing. On reflection I was concentrating more on my hobbies and my identity as a triathlete, thinking I was some professional athlete throught the pregnancy and the first years of our sons life. I never bonded, I never lifted a finger and I never helped my wife even when she was begging sometimes, it is this period of our marriage I can never take back. I am so ashamed of how I treated her as I do some of the reflection exercises. I have no idea what I was thinking, she says I was distant, unavailable and a general wanker to be around.

It was around this time of pregnancy with our 2nd child I had extended and increased a loan that was coming out of the joint account to fund my hobbies. Basically my wife was paying for my "stuff" and although there was no malice in it, I have genuinly no idea why I let myself get into that spiral. My wife found out and i as you can imagine, it was received well, we then went our separate ways with finances, and only paid enough money into the joint account to cover bills while I started to pay the debt back.

Fast forward to about 4/5 weeks ago,  the relationship had progressively got worse over the years, the majority of the problems from me,  although we did still have our fun times, we never made any effort to nurture the marriage. Contempt, stonewalling etc etc had crept in and it just wasn't very good to say the least. I have tried to analyse with my wife what it was over the last couple of years, why I was so angry and irritable constantly, my wife is a nurse and has queried depression, not too look for excuses, but this could have fit the bill.

5 weeks ago, my wife had been in the spare room for about 2 weeks, and although we had said we were done many times during our marriage, I felt she had meant it this time, previously I hadn't been that concerned and we had discussed getting the house valued etc but it always seemed to "sort" itself and we would go again.

That night, I sat on the dining room chair, I heard my wife with the kids upstairs chasing our kid around after the bath, and I broke down, literally broke down thinking what have I done!! Ive never really cried during the marriage, and I cried and cried, literally for days.

I can only describe it as an "epiphany" not just of the marriage but of my core values and my outlook on life, which were inherently flawed. I almost couldn't cope for the ensuing weeks and would almost say had a breakdown, not just at the marriage but at the thought the majority of my views are flawed. I have done so much reading, reflection, inward looking. My inner struggle for identity as an athlete etc which took over so much of my time and OUR money had outweighed my identity as a husband, so very very wrongly, I KNOW IT SOUNDS PATHETIC , you don't need to tell me that. I told my wife all of this and how I wanted to start to work with her to try and move forward in the marriage, I had completely changed, genuinly have changed, but as could be understood, she was very unsure about the whole thing, she told me she didn't love me anymore or fancy me, again I totally understood but thought I could show her and find a balance of not smothering her. It wasn't until about 2 weeks later, I found out there was someone else, it had been an emotional affair which did turned physical. I don't want to dwell on this as it is also understandable, I don't take full responsibility obviously, but I take a big portion of the blame on the chin.

We had partly reconciled after a period of her being absolutely shocked at my "u turn" and "epiphany" and my wife did believe I had changed, she said there were shoots appearing and that she could see a change. This was until she had read my diary with my debt plan in it to get rid of new perosonal debt I accrued in the past 2 years. I had left the military in 2019 with a substantial pay out which was used to clear things but had accrued this substantial debt by using credit cards and eventually a loan to consolidate everything. Absolutely no justification but in context, it is from my personal account, it's not near the joint account or the house and I am not struggling to pay it however, as my wife has highlighted, it is lies and deceit again and it is money that could have been used for our family. There is no gambling, substance abuse etc involved, it is really bad decisions again to put things on credit cards with the genuine thought of paying it back but never actually doing it. It was holidays, stuff for the kids, stuff for me, just stuff 🤦. 

My wife has understandably taken big steps right back to square one as this seems like a kick in the teeth and she cannot trust what I say about change, to you reading this out there, I am still.changing from that epiphany moment and will continue for the better. I am seeing a counsellor, have closed all my credit card accounts, not just cut them up, and have almost halved the debt I had accrued. 

My question would be, has anyone ever heard of a moment like I describe, it was very real, very deep and very scary! If you have, how have you continued to grow as I do not want to leave it to then head back to square one, especially if my wife does decide on another chance.

Also has anyone been in a similar position with their wife, and how have you managed to show them you have changed without smothering or pushing them further away.

I really appreciate any input and thanks for reading the essay!

John  

 

[S2B]

Yes, I’ve experienced that epiphany.

the question is - are you prepared to DO things in your life completely opposite now? Are YOU willing to give up the triathlete stuff? Are you willing to become a father and spouse that DOES stuff for your family now?

would you be willing to spend your spare time with them instead of selfishly spending hours and hours training?

would you cook and clean half of the week? Why aren’t you giving the kids their bath? 

you’ve essentially left your wife for ten years as a single parent - all the while creating more debt! Why? Why did you think that was ok?

how do you plan to save money while paying off that debt? Your wife needs a sense of security… and YOU need to be DOING everything to secure her trust again!

if you can’t… then divorce her! She likely wants a partner - not someone working against her life goals. She likely wants someone to value her and treat her with love and respect and that’s not what you’ve been doing!

so explain to me what YOU plan to DO (the action part)! 

 

[John farraway]

Hi S2B,

Thanks very much for taking the time to read my essay, it gives me relief to hear you've also had some sort of epiphany and your questions and comments make a lot of sense.

In regards to your comments, YES,  i am willing to do things differently, hugely different. I am already doing this and it is coming naturally, not forced, not "trying" but doing what feels right and it actually feels good. This has come with the epiphany and has come with a complete change of priorities, where my Wife is actually joint top of that list (along with the kids). 

I know I wasn't available for our 2nd child, which in its self is shameful, but I am actually a very hands on Dad. We take it 1 week turn about to shop and cook, I would probably do the majority of cooking due to my wife's shifts, (nothing to do with her cooking abilities honestly)I would also do my fair share of childcare again due to the shifts and sort of help with the cleaning when we both could be bothered, I don't think this is the issue. I think the issue is the attitudes surrounding the everyday life and how I felt about it all and how I made her feel. I can't explain why I did it, it's pathetic. How DARE I make her feel bad for going to work, how DARE I make her feel like she's not putting enough veg on the plate when she cooks, how DARE I tell her I'm not interested in her job when she wants to talk about it and in the later months leading up to the epiphany, how very DARE I criticise her as a parent! I think it is this that has changed and needs to continue to change and evolve. I will never ever make her feel like she anything but an amazing mum, and amazing nurse and an amazing wife/partner.

I think the training was never really the problem, it was the attitudes surrounding it, the selfishness to expect my wife to look after the kids and then once I had finished to then say well it's family time now. What about what she wanted to do for herself??

I will still train and surf, but absolutely not to the extent I was and to the detriment of the family or of my wife, I'd rather lie with my wife on a lazy Sunday than jump out of bed to go on a long ride. Again I can't explain why I would choose this over my actually very sexy wife, i have explored on reflection and can only come up with my dad was exactly like this and i used it as an identity thing, poor excuse, especially as it was at the expense of my wife. The balance was completely wrong and my attitudes were even more wrong, but going forward these would both change massively.

In regards to the debt, yes it's substantial amount of money, I have sold my car already and bought a lesser car and paid a lot off, I have also sold my tri bike and mountain bike previously and have kept an old road bike to trian on and an off road bike to be able to go out with the kids. I'm going to sell more "stuff" to whittle it down. As I said, I'm not struggling to pay the loan, I have no outstanding credit card debt anymore and have quite a lot of disposable so my action plan is to overpay the loan, each month and still save a little to be able to contribute to the family leisure time, holidays etc. I am in the process of closing all credit card accounts, I've also given my wife my bank account/credit card/loan login details and will be upfront/discuss any purchases. I am seeing counselling for myself, my wife can't beleive a change can happen like this and would like me to ensure this is actually what I'm thinking. And I have also contacted a UK charity to discuss this overspending addiction which it must obviously be. Again I don't think it's about the money, but more about the trust behind it all. This will take a huge rebuild! 

We had started counselling as a couple, but my wife realised she is not ready and we have paused the sessions while she wants me to work on myself and while she tries to figure out if she wants to try or not. All understandable, previous me would have probably gone in the huff and taken it personally, I now understand and constantly put myself in her shoes. 

Thanks again S2B, with your epiphany was it a change too late or did yoy manage to turn things around? 

 

Cheers, John.

 

 

 

Edited January 11, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language

[S2B]

Wait, first you said you have closed all credit cards and cut them up.

now you said you are in the process of closing cards - so which is it?

closing cards takes one phone call - why the wait? And why deceive those of us reading?

you know those activities took tons of your time - that left your wife alone as if she was a single gal. She likely thinks she’s single. You have major work to do to rebuild the relationship. Maybe she likes being without someone to answer to. Maybe she’s not used to you. Have you asked her what she wants from you?

[John farraway]

I have zero reason to dupe anyone, especially on here as I need an upfront honest answers and input.  Two have been closed and the third one that had the balance on it has had the balance cleared a few days ago and due to this couldn't be closed, hence in the process of closing accounts. 

I have asked her, she is unsure of what she wants, I don't want to push and pressure and push her further away. I want to give her time, create an environment she can trust and work from there. And you know what, if I'm not for her, i will be absolutely devasted but I will totally understand and make the moves to make sure the kids are good we can be friends. That's how I knew the change was genuine, I realised its not about me anymore, it's about her and about what makes her happier, and if that's without me, then so be it.

Cheers again, although I am not trying to dupe you, but you are holding me accountable and I thank you for that.

[Wiseman2]

This woman complains of her husband running up debt and squandering money on his triathlon hobbies.

Is this your wife?:

 

[glows]

12 hours ago, John farraway said:

Also has anyone been in a similar position with their wife, and how have you managed to show them you have changed without smothering or pushing them further away.

 

More action, less talking and controlling her moves. Help out around the home. Be intuitive, helpful, don’t ask what needs to be done every second. Just do it when you see that things need doing such as dishes, laundry, bathing the kids, feeding, cooking or putting them to bed. Take out the trash, budget date nights instead of letting training overtake your free time. 

You mentioned seeing your behaviours mirroring your father’s in the way he expected others to fit around him. Break that mould and do more than what your father ever did. Be a better one and a much better husband. When you feel your mind drifting come back to the present. 

I think you also ought to be realistic about your triathlete goals. If that ship has sailed find identity and meaning in life through other means. Cultivate new hobbies and interests and find things you can share with your wife. If she chooses not to be with you, do it for yourself. 

[John farraway]

Hi Wiseman2 and Glow,

 

Thanks for this,  I beleive it probably is,  my wife had told me she had posted on here and recommended I do the same as she had gleamed a lot from the replies. Almost like free counselling, so much so we had actually sat and discussed some of the replies to her post. I have never read her post on here until now. 

I think my main aim is to try and get feedback in reference to the epiphany moment, I have read a lot about it and it is very real, my wife had been concerned about "hysterical bonding" and how the change won't last, I disagree, the vast majority I read about this points to it happening after an affair, I had this epiphany 2/3 weeks prior to finding out about the affair . I have never felt more calm, focused and I think I used the word "serene" to describe it the other night to my wife. There is no irritability or anger, I know it may sound a bit out there but I genuinly feel there is a sort of Vale that had been lifted, I can't really explain it. I do have a little anxiety and knots in my stomach thinking of a life without her, which I presume would be totally natural anyway, but like you said Glow, I've realised more the priorities in life rather than worrying about my next session and this I will take forward regardless of the outcome of our relationship.

As my previous reply intimated, I do actually do quite a bit around the house, but yes your right, it needs to be done WITHOUT highlighting it and then making my wife feel bad about it. On reflection, the criticism and contempt was never about her, it was about an inner struggle with me for some crazy reason.

I am/we are working toward a better relationship, this includes everything you mentioned Glow as well as honesty and openness about the finance side, we are looking at doing more together and already picking hobbies we can do together.

You mention controlling, I genuinly beleived I wasn't that guy, it wasn't until my wife and I discussed certain things that she highlighted some of my behavior and wow, yup I am actually controlling!! Again my dad is very controlling and I thought I had done everything not to be!

The mould will/has been fully broken and I will do everything in my powers to ensure I am the best husband and father I can be, but also the best version of me also. 

In regards to the controlling side of things, I only found out about the affair through putting something on her phone literqlly for a day, as I just KNEW in the pit of my stomach, not my proudest moment, I took it off her phone that very night in front of her. Long story short, he came to see her at work the other week to see if she was OK and declaring his undying love for her and he'd leave his wife and kids for her. I found out about this through a message on messenger which is on our home ipad, the message was there I should have just switched it off but I couldn't for some reason! I didn't see the good stuff in the message like she had told him it was over etc and to be with him would be horrific, I only seen there had been another meeting with the guy she'd had an affair with and she had not told me.

I'm not looking for who's wrong or right but she had said i was quite controlling for telling her that she should have told me about the encounter? I genuinly do not know what to think, I've read quite a bit on this but it would be really interesting on people's take on this, especially if they have been in similar situations. Again not to go to her and say, TOLD YOU SO, but to take it either way and use it to evolve a bit more.

Thanks again for your replies, it does really help.

 

 

 

 

[pepperbird2]

All i can say to you is that your wife is not a child. stop making excuses for her. I don't care if you were the worst husband ever-she had choices that didn't involve cheating.
You also can not trust her, not right now.

I know that sounds like I'm placing the blame of the affair on her, and you know what/ i'm fine with that. Just as it's not her fault u blew through a  lot of money with your hobbies, it; not your fault she made the decision to go outside your marriage.

Just my opinion, but if you want to save your marriage, you have to start holding her accountable for her choices, just as she has done with you. That means no excuses on her part. Jut as you ave accepted your responsibility, she needs to do the same.

[mark clemson]

It sounds like you may have had a sort of addiction to being a triathlete, perhaps similar to workaholism. It occluded most other things out of your life including what many might feel are basic responsibilities such as financial responsibility and caring for your children?  And/or you were following an example (your dad) that you were unconsciously "comfortable with" due to your experience growing up. Maybe a bit of both.

Perhaps your "epiphany" was your personal version of "hitting rock bottom" and turning around - this is something that some alcoholics and other types of addicts sometimes report experiencing.

Whether or not you that is correct, consider that you need to be realistic about whether your marriage can be salvaged. Perhaps it can, but the damage that both you and your wife have done to your marriage is substantial and probably can't be turned around in a short timeframe (if at all). Rebuilding trust is not a one-time event and breaking through entrenched approaches takes sustained effort.

Ultimately continuing a marriage/relationship boils down to two people making a choice - to continue it. If you both genuinely want it to work that will be helpful - but that is a "necessary" condition but not "sufficient" to actually make it happen. As a (former) triathlete you are also familiar with and capable of sustained effort, so that is also a positive element.

I'm going to guess I suggested marriage counseling to your wife in her thread, and I think I'll echo that here as well as it sometimes helps to have a "referee" who is familiar with lots of the details and can help you both find your way back to a situation where both your needs are being met in the marriage.

[John farraway]

Thanks pepper,

I do beleive she has accountability although somewhat clouded by the fact she thought our marriage was done, although didn't, I also take accountability for my actions in pushing her away and down that road of thinking it was over.  In no way do I condon the affair,  I just see it from her pov.  What I struggle with is not the affair itself,  but the lies surrounding it.

Thanks Mark, 

You make a lot of sense, I think the rock bottom thing could be right,  I hadn't been right for years,  irritable etc as I said my wife's a nurse and both of us talking had queried some kind of depression. I'm unsure,  but I remember the night of my epiphany thinking "she's serious this time" and it was the straw that broke the camels back/catalyst for my complete u turn in a lot of things in my life!

Your right, it needs to be genuine and from us both,  my wife is very much a people pleaser and I have reiterated along with the counsellor time and time again it needs to be what she wants as we'll be starting off on the wrong foot.

Unfortunately I think it may be too late for my wife to turn it around,  it is a huge ask and was always going to be hard, but I get the feeling she has decided but just can't say. Although I want this to work so so badly,  I hate to see her in turmoil and have moved into the spare room for now to try and give her as much space as possible. Where we live there is very limited renting properties and I couldn't really move in with my mum and dad as they are mid 70's and would be unfair.

Has anyone had any experience of co-habitating whilst going through a similar experience? What is the best course of action to give space? The spare room is not bad but dunno if I could head up there every night after dinner to stay out her way. 

Thanks again all. 

 

[beentheredonethat77]

John i believe you are fighting for our marriage here and no doubt have and are ready to make a lot of changes.

Posting on here with the idea that your wife will read it and see your earnest efforts may backfire though if you have a history of manipulation.  I know my ex did something similar to this and it ended up causing more issues as he had a history of orchestrating and strategizing everything with me. 

 

I think your wife putting counseling on hold is excellent (and its great you support her) as i think the real triage is the work you do on yourself for sure -- Only in time can she begin to heal and decide if she can trust you again.  There are long-term resentments (neglect with 2nd baby) and fairly current deceipt (with finances) for her to overcome -- its a lot.  Hopefully, she is also seeking individual therapy for her own journey to heal. 

[John farraway]

Hi beenthere,

Thanks very much for feedback, no there's no alterior motive posting in here other than gleaming genuine anecdotal evidence from people who have been there and done it, my wife actually asked me to post in here to see what could be offered up as she thinks its a great source of feedback, and there is nothing I have said on here I have not said to her face.

I don't think I'm manipulating??, but who knows, I didn't think I was controlling until I started this journey and sat down with her to actually listen and talk, but I am concurrently doing personal counselling while running with this thread. 

Your spot on in terms of personal time, im the happiest and most content I've been in years, although I'm knotted with anxiety at the thought of losing her, we both need to breath, grow and see where it goes, it's hard not to smother her (I'm not talking pillow!!) and not be impatient. 

If you don't mind me asking, how was your ex manipulating? 

Thanks very much again.

 

 

 

[Wiseman2]

9 minutes ago, John farraway said:

I am concurrently doing personal counselling while running with this thread. 

Unfortunately random 'anecdotal' internet musings are not a judge and jury in your divorce trial.

Nor is the internet a substitute for professional advice.

You two need to consult professional help. An attorney. A CPA and a financial advisor and cease this go-nowhere DIY approach.

[John farraway]

Wiseman2,

Thanks for your input, we have sought professional counselling, my wife wanted to pause the counselling while she takes a breath and wants me to pursue personal counselling, I am,  to ensure this is exactly what I want, it is but I can really see why it is a shock of a u turn.

In regards to random Internet musings, the advice has been invaluable including yours although you do like to throw divorce around quite a bit, as it is from people who have been there and done it. And in regards to divorce trials etc (I can't get judge Judy out of my head for some reason!) although we are going through this very tough period, we are very amicable and have never been more open, honest and kind to each other. Hopefully we will start MC again if and when my wife wishes, so for the foreseeable this "go nowhere DIY approach" will suffice, and it has, it has us discussing things and the dialogue has never been better. If MC doesn't start again,  then I can 100% be straight up and say it will only end amicably and with the best interests of the kids as our main goal.

Thanks again.

John

[glows]

I'd hope the both of you are able to work through this in your marriage but that involves a shift in identity as you see yourself grow new facets in your home life. It's no longer about your needs or only fulfilling your career. Plenty of people have to juggle career demands, family life, raise kids and keep peace or harmony in a marriage and continue to be active members in their community. And then there is the ongoing care and support for aging parents and multiple other issues that come up in life. 

Your wife was starting to tune out because she might have felt invisible for a while. I'm also curious but might have missed it earlier in either of the threads - who brought up sleeping separately? Unless one of you wants that I'd revisit that thought or reconsider. It's good that you're both rebuilding and starting to do more activities together as a couple. 

[S2B]

Why did you think it was ok to mistreat and demean your wife?

how do you intend to change that for the long term? 

that kind of abuse is tough to rectify…the one who was abused takes years (if ever) to recover from those put downs/maltreatment. 

but I can’t understand why you thought you would obtain a loving  marriage when you spent so much free time away from her - then treated her so poorly when you were with her? 

what was your thought process? Why did you think she should stay with you when you essentially ignored her/then abused her with control, manipulation and mean/critical words?

she may never trust you to be kind…kind of like kicking a dog and expecting it to be a loving dog - you can’t have both - even if you change. 

you’ve created the history - her trust is gone.

[understand50]

John,

It looks like both you and Sophie wont to change.  This trick will be to keep to your changes and not fall back into old habits.  Also, keep in mind that we humans do better with small changes, that build to larger ones.  You did not start out running a marathon, but a mile or so to begin.  So, start with date night each week.  As money is tight, it can be just going for coffee, and then a walk in the park.  Lot of cheap easy things to do so you are  both dating each other again.  Next spend time with your children by yourself, take the kids with you on a outing.  Give her a break, get to know your kids when they want to be with you.  There will be a time when they get old, they will want  nothing to do with you.  Establish a relationship now, or you will regret it later.  Time with kids really pass so fast.  The small toddler, changes before you know it,  to the teenager asking about sex and "can they borrow the car". 

Learn to communicate.  Start by asking her how her day was, each day.  Tell her you lover her each day, even if you do not feel it.  Active listen, and set a time aside to talk about hard stuff.  (never during date night, as that is reserved for FUN only) Also, do not bring things up outside of the "hard talk" sessions, and limit them to once a week.  Let her know,  she will be safe  with you, and she will only have to deal with hard thing during a set time, when you both have privacy, and time to speak to each other comely.  No one wants to live with someone who is pissed off 24/7 and if they have to walk on egg shells all the time. 

OK, condensed, but I hope  this give you both some ideas.  This is 50 years of experience, and learning talking.  Do not let it take as long for you and Sophie. 

I wish you luck.

 

 

 

[John farraway]

Thanks Glow, 

Aye you make perfect sense, it is a shift in identity, a total shift in fact, I think this was why I ended up in a pretty deep hole after I had the epiphany, it was a realisation the majority of what I thought was right was wrong, which had been confirmed after seeing a professional Councillor. We are now back in the bed.

Thanks S2B,

You ask the right raw questions to keep me accountable! 

After seeing the counsellor, emotional session,  without going into too much personal detail, I've normalised the abnormal because this had been my normal growing up. I've basically become my dad, although I would always say I hadn't. I thought this was a relationship, I thought this was what love was! This was further backed up by my relationships previous to my marriages!! So much so even when my wife was crying I was so adamant I was right, nothing registered, I thought she was overeacting most of the time. She had become my mum and I my dad and I couldn't understand why she shouldn't just put up, exactly like my mum had!! There was no malice or hatred in it, it's just what I thought was right!!! Years amd years before I was more like my mum, empathetic but a people pleaser, someway along the line that balance shifted because my mums ID was safe but I aspired to be my dad; international athlete, solid guy who showed no emotion and was bulletproof! I became him but also with his really bad traits, and I couldn't see it because I was living it and thought it was right!!

My irritability, my anger, my thoughts I had lost my identity as a surfer/triathlete/military man was an internal struggle with my subconscious identity, my deep deep identity, which for years and years had been whispering this is wrong. 23 years in the Army didn't help either, surrounded by testosterone and male ego which further validated these thoughts and values!

My epiphany came at a time of a perfect storm; I was questioning my identity, my habits my values, I had for years and I was on a downward spiral, this was combined with my wife leaving, BOOM,  breakdown, and hence complete and utter shift in values and identity!!

Now don't get me wrong, I wasn't all bad! I think using the analogy of kicking a dog is super harsh, we had good times and I don't think I was manipulating, we've discussed this.  yes I was controlling, not to the extreme, only thing I would try and control was her working weekends so I could do races, although controlling nonetheless!

Going forward, I see and know all this now and I will never ever drop back in these old routines. One of the exercises given is for both my wife and I to define the word love, what does it mean for us both giving and receiving! Almost so we know what the expectations from each of us are and continue to communicate this if we head forward together.

EVERYTHING has changed, it feels natural and feels amazing to want to do things for my wife, to want to show her everyday what she means to me! Before I would have seen this as a weakness 🤦

If I can't gain the trust of my wife back, I'll be absolutely gutted knowing she was right in front of me the whole time, however, I have changed for the better and I have changed also for me also and I can take this with me going forward, constantly evolving for the better.

Thanks Understand50,

Your posts always give us hope and really do hit home, especially the part of the toddler growing and suddenly then asking for the car keys 😭

Communication was our big downfall, especially as I thought I was constantly right! I do/we do want to change, only time will tell although I think we will try everything to head forward together.

Thanks again everyone for taking the time.

 

 

[Anthonys]

Hi, 

My wife and I  have been married for 10 years,  without going into it all, I had been a real shitty husband and partner for years. so much so at the end of this year my Wife had a foot out the marriage, was in the spare room and we where living separate lives to a certain extent. We have 2 small amazing kids who are our world.

Long story short, I had a complete change of heart a couple months ago and made the decision to completely change me and really try to be the husband and partner my wife deserved. My wife was very wary and wasn't sure what she wanted and asked for a little space to decide. Totally understandable but I really wanted her to come on the journey with me.

Two weeks into this change I found out my wife was a few weeks into an affair with our ex next door neighbour. it was essentially an emotional affair, coffees, meetings, a shoulder to cry on. Which then one night they met for a meal at a hotel and it became physical, I was told no sex but she said would have if they could.

 I found out through a phone app and seen her messages, not my proudest moment but I knew something was just not quite right, she denied everything until I showed her the messages.

I accepted I had some part to play in this affair, I had pushed her away so much. It was totally out of character for her.

Fast forward a few weeks, we are trying, she ended everything with the guy, we are seeing a counsellor once a week. She is still unsure of what she wants and how genuine my change of heart is, but I thought/think we are making progress although it's has its highs and lows.

I took the app off the phone the day I found out about the affair but a couple weeks ago a pure fluke I found out on the shared ipad messenger he had come to see her at work, she told him to go. She didn't tell me but I don't think it was that bad although I would have preferred to know purely for the trust building.

On Friday I felt there was something wrong, especially from the previous day, she was a little colder, more distant and had a go about my behaviour over the years. Again understandable and part of the process I beleive. However I felt there was something a miss and the next day I checked her work phone as I was upstairs, the call log had 2 calls on it, one outgoing to the guy she had the affair with.

I confronted her, she told me straight away she had phoned him and had met him purely because she needed printing done as an extreme emergency, she's a nurse and involved with vaccinations, she needed the work done as quick as. She assures me it was purely to pick up printing although the call was 32 minutes long, I don't know how long they met, she said it was purely to pick up the printing and she was pretty much using him to get the job done as the printers had gone down at work and the local hospital.

My question is, am I overeacting here? The trust is pretty much gone at the moment because of it but she said she never thought about it, just needed to get the printing done! I do beleive her to a certain extent.

She assures me she hasn't been in contact until then or since.

Any similar experiences would be much appreciated.

 

Thanks 

 

 

 

[Cersei]

Well your comment about "without going into it" leads me to believe there is more to this story.  You are choosing only to tell us parts of what's really happened.  From what I am reading here this marriage is doomed. Overreaction or not there is way too mistrust from both parties. I could mot be in any relationship or marriage like this.

 

[Wiseman2]

24 minutes ago, Anthonys said:

Wife had a foot out the marriage, was in the spare room and we where living separate lives to a certain extent. 

we are seeing a counsellor once a week. She is still unsure of what she wants and how genuine my change of heart is

She assures me she hasn't been in contact until then or since.

Sorry this is happening. Does she want to divorce? Do you? What is being discussed in marriage therapy? Are both of you open about her affair and the spy apps as well as the preexisting marital problems?

[Anthonys]

Hi cersei,

Thanks for your reply,  I really hope your not a counsellor  😂😂and don't worry I'm not going to ask you into the relationship.

The "without going into it" statement is about the marriage, I haven't gone into the marriage as I dont think it holds any bearing on my question? 

However as a summary the marriage from my side; I was not available,  my wife was not a priority, we never put time aside for us, there was never any violence, addiction and I had never had an affair,  although I had committed financial infidelity. The marriage spiralled into a contemptuous one and we almost went our separate ways.

I have seen a counsellor and as I said we are seeing a couples therapist and are ongoing. 

My question is about whether or not I am overeacting with regards to this new incident not whether my marriage is salvageable. 

Thanks

[Anthonys]

Hi wiseman,

Thanks for taking the time.

We have been open about the possibility of divorce, the app (it was genuinly taken off the day i found out and the truth eventually came out) and the affair. I don't want to pursue divorce purely as I see now what's in front of me and has been for years, I would like the best version of our marriage we can achieve. My Wife has been open and says she does not know what she currently wants but is going to give it all a try, at least until summer. She has explicitly said she doesn't want the other guy and it was purely to get work done.

We are currently going through communication in therapy and I think we need to next concentrate on forgiveness, especially from my wife. We seem to make progress and then my wife will think of the past and how she had been treated and get really angry. I understand it and will let her lead throughout from now on with no pressure.

Thanks again

[glows]

If she’s still angry with you she’s not on the same page as you. Working things out doesn’t register as being truthful and honest at all times because resentment blinds people. 

You will have to make peace with the fact that she cannot let go of that anger while around you. It’s unknown why she’s chosen to stay with you at all unless she isn’t financially prepared to leave. Be prepared for her to leave. 

How does she know that you have changed? And what are your motivations for doing so? Did you just run out of money to be dishonest about? She must sense in some way whether you’re sincere. It’s true that it’ll take a long time to rebuild that. 

During your therapy bring up the issue of calls and help from this neighbour. He went to her workplace which demonstrates he’s probably invested emotionally. She went to him apparently for a printing issue that could have been resolved at a local print shop or Staples for a few dollars or cents. She views him as an option for help which seems inappropriate if you’re trying to rebuild trust as well as boundaries. 

My sense is that she likely is extremely angry and that anger is trapped under the surface, she can’t leave you perhaps due to financial reasons and she also doesn’t know what to do with you. The marriage seems finished from my view but you can choose to stay to try to work things out. I think you are wasting your time and it’s better to take a good look at your motivations for staying. They may seem a too little too late and her dependency on someone else has severed trust between the two of you.

 

Edited January 30, 2022 by glows