livingalife2009 Posted January 21, 2022 Share Posted January 21, 2022 Hello LS community again! My STBX met with his attorney yesterday and changed his mind on child custody. Initially he agreed that the kids live with me and he gets generous visiting/parenting time but as soon as he saw how much child support he had to pay he wanted shared custody. 3 days with him 4 days with and his child support went down to $350. My main concern is the welfare of the kids, his main concern is the money. There are certain things he wants to keep which I would have been ok but not now since he is not letting me have full physical custody. My STBX is a 77 year old abusive narcissist....does anyone have advice what approach should I take in order to get him to agree that the kids live with me? Link to post Share on other sites
SouthernIslander Posted January 21, 2022 Share Posted January 21, 2022 How old are your kids? You could tell him that you’ll agree to the $350 a month if the kids can still live with you full time. What visitation schedule would you prefer? And how is he abusive? Does he abuse the children?? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted January 21, 2022 Share Posted January 21, 2022 If his main concern is money, then that's the card you need to play. That said, kids should be able to see both parents frequently. Why don't you want him to have the kids three nights per week? What do the kids think about 3/DPW with him? Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted January 21, 2022 Share Posted January 21, 2022 8 minutes ago, livingalife2009 said: Initially he agreed that the kids live with me and he gets generous visiting/parenting time but as soon as he saw how much child support he had to pay he wanted shared custody. 3 days with him 4 days with and his child support went down to $350. Talk to your attorney to revise the custody/visitation agreement. Discuss supervised visitation. Ultimately he can talk to his attorney all he wants, but the courts will decide. His attorney does not decide this. Just make counteroffers to your attorney. Link to post Share on other sites
Author livingalife2009 Posted January 21, 2022 Author Share Posted January 21, 2022 4 minutes ago, SouthernIslander said: How old are your kids? You could tell him that you’ll agree to the $350 a month if the kids can still live with you full time. What visitation schedule would you prefer? And how is he abusive? Does he abuse the children?? You and I think the same. I am thinking of dropping off the kids to his place 3 times each week with packed home cooked meals for all of them. I will let them spend time as much as possible with their dad but night time they sleep home with me. Kids are 11. STBX is emotionally and verbally abusive. Link to post Share on other sites
Author livingalife2009 Posted January 21, 2022 Author Share Posted January 21, 2022 1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said: Talk to your attorney to revise the custody/visitation agreement. Discuss supervised visitation. Ultimately he can talk to his attorney all he wants, but the courts will decide. His attorney does not decide this. Just make counteroffers to your attorney. I have spoken to 15 attorneys they all say that the court will not give me 7 nights physical custody. I am fine sharing legal custody. Link to post Share on other sites
Author livingalife2009 Posted January 21, 2022 Author Share Posted January 21, 2022 4 minutes ago, basil67 said: If his main concern is money, then that's the card you need to play. That said, kids should be able to see both parents frequently. Why don't you want him to have the kids three nights per week? What do the kids think about 3/DPW with him? The kids interpret him as "MEAN" in reality he is condescending, harsh, insulting and rude. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted January 21, 2022 Share Posted January 21, 2022 16 minutes ago, livingalife2009 said: I have spoken to 15 attorneys they all say that the court will not give me 7 nights physical custody. I am fine sharing legal custody. Because it's unreasonable. The children and your estranged husband have legal rights, whether he's a creep or you don't like it. . You will have to stop expecting to live as you did while a family. He is not a daycare center so your proposal is unrealistic. Make sure you don't get your children stuck in the middle no matter how much acrimony there is. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted January 21, 2022 Share Posted January 21, 2022 Why are you planning on sending packed, home cooked meals for them? When he's parenting, the feeding of the children should be his choice and responsibility. Link to post Share on other sites
Author livingalife2009 Posted January 21, 2022 Author Share Posted January 21, 2022 (edited) 14 minutes ago, basil67 said: Why are you planning on sending packed, home cooked meals for them? When he's parenting, the feeding of the children should be his choice and responsibility. Because he wants me to since he does not like to cook. He does not clean or do anything for the kids. I currently take care of the kids 100% of the time. Edited January 21, 2022 by livingalife2009 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted January 21, 2022 Share Posted January 21, 2022 (edited) 3 minutes ago, livingalife2009 said: Because he wants me to since he does not like to cook. He does not clean or do anything for the kids. I currently take care of the kids 100% of the time. If he wants custody, then he needs to sort all this out for himself. If you refused to supply food, would he refuse to take the children? You could use this to your advantage. Edited January 21, 2022 by basil67 Link to post Share on other sites
Author livingalife2009 Posted January 21, 2022 Author Share Posted January 21, 2022 Just now, basil67 said: If he wants custody, then he needs to sort all this out for himself. If you refused to supply food, would he refuse to take the children? You could use this to your advantage. He will still take the kids. They will have grilled cheese sandwiches and yogurt for every meal. My ADHD son will play mine craft and go to bed at 2 AM. My son will continue to be rude and condescending like his dad and his social life will suffer. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted January 22, 2022 Share Posted January 22, 2022 (edited) Unfortunately, short of getting evidence from the kids and taking it to court as bad parenting, there's not a lot you can do about it. But if you don't want to do that, my guess is that he will tire of being solo parent very quickly and have the kids doing full time with you before you know it. You may not get the money, but you'll know that they are well fed and happy Edited January 22, 2022 by basil67 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted January 22, 2022 Share Posted January 22, 2022 12 hours ago, livingalife2009 said: . I currently take care of the kids 100% of the time. That's ok. You're a good mother. However when you divorce, the courts will come up with a child support and custody and visitation schedule. It won't be 100%, as you want it to be but you'll have to share custody because they're his children as well. Find and engage a good attorney so you can reasonably come up with a child support and custody arrangement. Link to post Share on other sites
Blind-Sided Posted January 22, 2022 Share Posted January 22, 2022 16 hours ago, livingalife2009 said: ....My STBX is a 77 year old abusive narcissist....does anyone have advice what approach should I take in order to get him to agree that the kids live with me? First.... unless you have real proof.... this is just your opinion. You are obviously splitting for a reason... but I have real issues with accusations. My ex tried to hang an abuse tag on me, and it was 100% false. Anyway... unless you have actual proof, and live in the USA... the courts will want to try for a 50/50 custody because it is good for the kids. It may not be what you want, but please don't drag the kids through a nasty custody court trial. it will be expensive, and will not be good for anyone. BUT... if there is truth to what you are saying, let things unfold, and you may be able to change things later based off of the kids observations. In my case... the ex's efforts in trying to get my kids to see me as a monster, backfired. My oldest daughter didn't want anything to do with her mother for well over a year. I tried to get my daughter to see she needed a relationship with her mom... and then she took us to court... and made my daughter see how off center her mother was. It took about a year and a half for her to even go spend a night at her mothers house. I'm truly sorry you are going through this... but don't let emotions take away from trying to move forward with a happy kids. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted January 22, 2022 Share Posted January 22, 2022 Your lawyer should have plenty of experience with negotiating with all kinds of personalities. What does your lawyer recommend? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author livingalife2009 Posted January 22, 2022 Author Share Posted January 22, 2022 1 hour ago, Blind-Sided said: In my case... the ex's efforts in trying to get my kids to see me as a monster, backfired. This is just the opposite of how I have been raising my kids. I don't ever forget to tell the kids that their dad is a good person and how we must separate him as a person from his behavior. I teach the kids to love and respect their dad but I also tell them that they must speak up to his abuse. My kids although they experience their dad's abusive behavior, for example when he says something hurtful and insulting to me or to them and then calls it a joke, they love their father. The saddest thing for my kids is that one of them copies their dad's behavior. About a month ago, my husband, son and I were at the doctors office. My husband yelled at me in front of the doctor, but a few hours later he told me that he shouldn't have yelled. Note that he didn't apologize. I asked my son what he thought of his dad's behavior at the doctor's office, my son said that his dad did the right thing by yelling at me because I interrupted his dad:-( Note that I didn't interrupt but husband thought I did because every time he opens his mouth he gives a lecture, he has no clue what chatting and friendly conversations are. That's just how he is. Sad for him. Link to post Share on other sites
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