Second Chance for BF- parents disprove

[vansaddict00]

I had been with my boyfriend for a few years but he was initially a rebound. He eventually left to another state for work and had told me once he leaves we are done. We still kept in touch but In the time we were apart, I went to visit him and really fell head over heels for him. At that time I didn’t realize he was sleeping with me but was interested in someone else a decade younger- I found out the hard way of him telling me after a month of visiting he wants to see other people. They got together after I left and I was broken into pieces. During that time I was able to do some healing work from a lot of trauma and he had then come back to me after finding out the girl used him. I was initially really repulsed and didn’t want to get back together due to betrayal. I had reached out back after a year as I was still in touch with his mother and she implored me to reach out to him. I was only interested in friendship due to being able to discuss a shared interest but we spoke to each other and cleared our past baggage. He understood I initially didn’t love him and was a rebound. I understood why he had moved on when he had left the states but he just didn’t handle it the right way by telling me we shouldn’t be acting like a couple if we weren’t. We put everything on the table and took accountability for our actions to reconcile and make amends. 

On the other hand, my parents do not like the fact that he left me for someone else and then I decided to accept him back. They are looking down on me but I told them I have forgiven him. I have left the past behind but my parents cannot forgive him for his actions. He is not a narc and we both made mistakes. How can I move forward because I cannot make my parents happy in this but I know they will not be able to live this down. Is there any way I can help ease tensions? My bf doesn't know my parents do not want anything to do with him, so I still have to break the news to him as well. 

Any advice would be appreciated. Thank you!

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, vansaddict00 said:

On the other hand, my parents do not like the fact that he left me for someone else and then I decided to accept him back. 

Did he "leave you for someone else" or did he start dating after you broke up and he moved?

Why are your parents involved in your dating life? How old is he? 

It's not working out. You're long distance, he would rather date other local women. 

Why not end this saga and do the same? Get a good profile and pics on quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting local, interested men who want what you want.

[vansaddict00]

21 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Did he "leave you for someone else" or did he start dating after you broke up and he moved?

Why are your parents involved in your dating life? How old is he? 

It's not working out. You're long distance, he would rather date other local women. 

Why not end this saga and do the same? Get a good profile and pics on quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting local, interested men who want what you want.

Well, we will make it work since we are both committed and hopefully I can move to his state soon. It's just my parents aren't on board with me being with him, which is the main issue I am having. I am just standing my ground right now in hopes they will come through later on. I realize I can't expect them to be on board and that is fine. 

[ShyViolet]

Why does your parents' opinion even matter?  How old are you?  If you're an adult then your parents shouldn't be so involved in your dating life.  It's your decision, not theirs.

[glows]

On 1/13/2022 at 11:50 PM, vansaddict00 said:

Well, we will make it work since we are both committed and hopefully I can move to his state soon. It's just my parents aren't on board with me being with him, which is the main issue I am having. I am just standing my ground right now in hopes they will come through later on. I realize I can't expect them to be on board and that is fine. 

Before you move have a back up plan and try not to rely on your parents if the ship sinks and the relationship or move doesn't work. I suggest you do not move until you have all your ducks lined up and double that or the finances required to recover or restart your life in your home state. 

The decision to move may be yours but so are all the consequences of a possible falling out so own that and prepare for the worst while you hope for the best. Take care of yourself.

[vla1120]

On 1/13/2022 at 1:40 AM, vansaddict00 said:

On the other hand, my parents do not like the fact that he left me for someone else and then I decided to accept him back. They are looking down on me but I told them I have forgiven him.

Being a mom myself with a daughter who has an alcoholic boyfriend (currently in recovery), I can understand your parents' concern. Parents don't want to see their kids hurt, so they give their opinion when they think their daughter/son can do better. While I like my daughter's boyfriend, I worry that she does not realize the extent of how hard it is to be (and to be with) an alcoholic in recovery.

Your parents know that he cast you aside to be with another woman, then came back to you when that one did not work out. No parent wants their kid to settle for being the second choice. That being said, the final decision is yours and your parents have to respect your decision. If you care about what they think, you should have an open discussion with them. Allow them to voice their concerns, but let them know that you are going to make your own decision. Then, it's up to your boyfriend to prove himself to them again, unless this is just going to be a casual relationship and is not expected to turn into anything more serious. If that is the case, let your parents know there is no danger they'll be expected to foot the bill on a wedding to someone they don't like/respect for their daughter.

[vansaddict00]

On 1/20/2022 at 11:01 AM, ShyViolet said:

Why does your parents' opinion even matter?  How old are you?  If you're an adult then your parents shouldn't be so involved in your dating life.  It's your decision, not theirs.

I guess the main reason its bothering me is that I'm trying to move forward but their grudges are a constant reminder of what happened in the past between my bf & I. It feels like they are opening up old wounds. They are stuck in the past- but you're right that they shouldn't be involved but my family is very protective and nosy so I can understand their concerns and frustrations. I guess it just hurts that they cannot accept him. You're right that they shouldn't be involved but all I can do is stand my ground and be hopeful that they turn around in the future. 

 

[vansaddict00]

On 1/20/2022 at 11:33 AM, glows said:

Before you move have a back up plan and try not to rely on your parents if the ship sinks and the relationship or move doesn't work. I suggest you do not move until you have all your ducks lined up and double that or the finances required to recover or restart your life in your home state. 

The decision to move may be yours but so are all the consequences of a possible falling out so own that and prepare for the worst while you hope for the best. Take care of yourself.

I resonate with your stance on thinking ahead. It is certainly a lot to think about and thank you for bringing this to my attention. My worry is that my folks may need help with caregiving in the near future possibly within the next few years, so I often feel I am being selfish if I put myself first. I also feel that leaving now is my last chance for us to spend quality time together before I assume obligations to take care of my parents. 

I'm close to my parents so it is in fact hard to leave them but they without a doubt would have no problem accommodating me if I wanted to move back. My bf has no problem with accommodations as well, so it's nice to have those worries alleviated. It's hard to choose between people and I cannot make everyone happy but this is the only middle ground I can think of at the moment.  My bf knows I will likely be helping out my family in the future so he's accepting of the notion of having to toggle back and forth between neighboring states. 

[Wiseman2]

2 minutes ago, vansaddict00 said:

 My bf knows I will likely be helping out my family in the future so he's accepting of the notion of having to toggle back and forth between neighboring states. 

Ok. If you need to live near your parents, don't move to him. 

What do you mean "toggle back and forth"?

You seem torn between attachment and obligations to your parents.

Perhaps this distance on/off BF represents an escape from this?

[glows]

2 hours ago, vansaddict00 said:

I resonate with your stance on thinking ahead. It is certainly a lot to think about and thank you for bringing this to my attention. My worry is that my folks may need help with caregiving in the near future possibly within the next few years, so I often feel I am being selfish if I put myself first. I also feel that leaving now is my last chance for us to spend quality time together before I assume obligations to take care of my parents. 

I'm close to my parents so it is in fact hard to leave them but they without a doubt would have no problem accommodating me if I wanted to move back. My bf has no problem with accommodations as well, so it's nice to have those worries alleviated. It's hard to choose between people and I cannot make everyone happy but this is the only middle ground I can think of at the moment.  My bf knows I will likely be helping out my family in the future so he's accepting of the notion of having to toggle back and forth between neighboring states. 

And that’s where your parents still worry. While you are willing to make these decisions you’re still considering them an option to fall back on. Plan not to depend on them at all or have them care for YOU should your heart be broken and you’re needing a stepping stone. Create your own back up plan and stick to it without inconveniencing anyone else. 

If you have to go back and forth between different states to care for ailing family in the future be mindful that this man has the capacity and willingness to both date you and find interest in someone else. He’s also described an inability to date long distance because he told you it would be over if he moved once. I’d keep these things in mind and have that back up /exit plan bulletproofed and ready to go in case you need to call on it. 

[Sun Seeker]

Whilst I'm all for parents not being involved in your dating life and you should make your own decisions and if they don't like it, tough, I agree with your parent's opinion.

The fact you are getting back together and willing to move to him is crazy. The guy did not want to put any effort when he left, then found another woman, and now has come running back to you. Where is your self respect?

If you were meant to be, you would not have broken up in the first place. This 'relationship' is going nowhere and it's only a matter of time until it ends again.