Classicfiction Posted January 6, 2022 Posted January 6, 2022 Welp, that didn't work. I tried an open mindset with my ex who does not want a traditional relationship with me. I thought that if I could change my thinking about it and accept what he could offer while at the same time being open to other relationships, that it wouldnt hurt... Unfortunately, it ended up with him telling me how much he respects my married friends and insinuation of disrespect for me. I did tell him that I was reading up on compersion and was he willing to try. He said he was but then it just became about me being trashy and not worthy of respect. He came, got what he wanted and left without staying the night. I just can't. So, my opinion of the concept now is that in order for it to work, I think you'd need to probably start out with a monogamous relationship. That relationship would have to be so grounded in respect and deep emotional love that the sexual aspect would be secondary. My guess is this conversation and decision would come after many years in a committed monogamous relationship and even then come with a promise that any extraneous sexual relationship would be cut off if either partner became uncomfortable. I really was hopeful that this would work but I think I was just lonely and grasping at straws with a man who has no respect for me. Big let down guys. My heart just feels raw at the moment. Back to square one
ExpatInItaly Posted January 6, 2022 Posted January 6, 2022 4 minutes ago, Classicfiction said: I really was hopeful that this would work but I think I was just lonely and grasping at straws with a man who has no respect for me. This is the core issue. Compersion does not even factor into it. You're trying to hang on to man who does not want to be with you anymore. Compersion is not going to change that or make it work. You're only hurting yourself here. It's time to let go. 1
Author Classicfiction Posted January 6, 2022 Author Posted January 6, 2022 8 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: This is the core issue. Compersion does not even factor into it. You're trying to hang on to man who does not want to be with you anymore. Compersion is not going to change that or make it work. You're only hurting yourself here. It's time to let go. Yeah I know. He was a man that I had been completely in love with who left me after two months of marriage. For some reason that injury kept me coming back to him. Probably because Im used to being treated like that from my upbringing. The entire relationship I was compared to other women. Thats why I thought compersion would get rid of the jealousy he inspired in me... but you're totally right, it was just a desperate move on my part. The man sees no worth in me and I need to start respecting myself more.
central Posted January 6, 2022 Posted January 6, 2022 That's one way - starting out with a lasting monogamous relationship. It's far from the only way, but of course it REALLY depends on the individuals involved, their attitudes, and what they can learn to handle gracefully. My relationship started with us both dating others as well. When we decided to become serious, we talked about our other lovers, and decided to ask them if they wanted to continue with those relationships with certain limits. They did! My wife's other relationship lasted for another year. Mine lasted for about 8 more years. We are still friends with them, but they've moved on to other relationships. Since then, we've both had a number of other relationships and shorter term lovers. Compersion is difficult at times, but it isn't necessary for such relationships to succeed. It's really only necessary to manage jealousy so it doesn't create insurmountable problems.
Author Classicfiction Posted January 6, 2022 Author Posted January 6, 2022 2 minutes ago, central said: That's one way - starting out with a lasting monogamous relationship. It's far from the only way, but of course it REALLY depends on the individuals involved, their attitudes, and what they can learn to handle gracefully. My relationship started with us both dating others as well. When we decided to become serious, we talked about our other lovers, and decided to ask them if they wanted to continue with those relationships with certain limits. They did! My wife's other relationship lasted for another year. Mine lasted for about 8 more years. We are still friends with them, but they've moved on to other relationships. Since then, we've both had a number of other relationships and shorter term lovers. Compersion is difficult at times, but it isn't necessary for such relationships to succeed. It's really only necessary to manage jealousy so it doesn't create insurmountable problems. I can see how it could work with a great amount of respect between the two primary partners but respect does have to be involved. Personally, I'm not sure if it will be an avenue I'll persue because I feel rather scarred by this experience. Of course his agreement to trying it was with a certain amount of glibness. He just kind of chuckles and says sure, I know you still need sex.
ExpatInItaly Posted January 6, 2022 Posted January 6, 2022 5 minutes ago, Classicfiction said: The entire relationship I was compared to other women. Thats why I thought compersion would get rid of the jealousy he inspired in me... I think compersion was just your last-ditch attempt to keep him in your life, but you can see, it isn't working. You two don't have the basis for something like that, and it's better to acknowledge and respect your own feelings rather than try to talk yourself out of them or apply relationsip models that you are not naturally inclined towards. Learn to respect yourself more, and focus on finding a man who doesn't need any convincing to be with you. 2
Author Classicfiction Posted January 6, 2022 Author Posted January 6, 2022 5 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: I think compersion was just your last-ditch attempt to keep him in your life, but you can see, it isn't working. You two don't have the basis for something like that, and it's better to acknowledge and respect your own feelings rather than try to talk yourself out of them or apply relationsip models that you are not naturally inclined towards. Learn to respect yourself more, and focus on finding a man who doesn't need any convincing to be with you. For sure! I've been struggling with self esteem since this particular relationship ended. It really bulldozed my life and brought me to an all time low.. so I was trying to prove myself as worthy and get him to see me. But yeah, Im walking away from it now.
princessaurora Posted January 6, 2022 Posted January 6, 2022 Never sacrifice who you are to hold onto someone. You will only make yourself miserable if you live to please others. 2
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