Girlfriend turned friend. turned girlfriend again. questions about the next step

[JAdams]

Hello all - so to make a long story short - in the early 1990s I met a girl (let's call her M) who I had mutual friends with for a short while. (We also went to HS together but we really didn't know each other well...just know who each other were etc) We started seeing each other - it lasted a little under a year...at which point she was offered a job that required her to relocate across the country. It was a REALLY good offer and I didn't have the option to move with her, so we thought it would be easier to end things and just stay friends. It was hard to make that decision, but we handled it very adult like (even though we were just 21). It did stay on my mind for many years after though, her too, I later found out. And I often wondered..."what if....." 

M eventually started dating someone else there - I started dating someone also that I ended up marrying a few years later. All the while, we stayed friendly and talked often. She also got married a handful of years after I did. Whenever each of us had a problem or needed someone to talk to, we pretty much always called each other. Over the years, we saw each other a number of times at mutual friends' weddings, funerals, birth of babies, etc and it was always platonic. We are both friendly, outgoing people who are both somewhat naturally flirty - that said, we would occasionally flirt during a phone call or something like that but it was harmless and in fun - we were both very respectful of the fact that we were married and not to each other. Around 5-6 years ago we both got divorced - ironically within a couple of months of each other. Both were rather acrimonious and ugly and we really, really leaned on each other then for support. 

In the time after that, I started dating someone else and so did she...and both relationships had some significant challenges where it was pretty much impossible for either relationship to move forward. I broke up with my ex first, and she broke up with hers around 2 weeks later. Now...in that time that we were both dating other people post divorce, our conversations turned a little more flirtatious than before & I will admit that the thought of us giving a relationship another try entered my mind a few times, but I didn't say anything to her because I was afraid it would ruin our friendship if she didn't feel the same.....and I honestly could not tell. Despite a lot of clues that I didn't know were clues at the time. 

Fast forward to earlier this year where just the 2 of us met up and sparks absolutely flew - all the chemistry and attraction that we had came back with a vengeance. We have been dating since and it's been just great - our intimacy way more than just physical (though we have that too) - M & I have a lot of the same interests, we are both really good communicators etc. I'm sure most of this is because we have been friends for SO long and know each other really really well. 

We live far from each other at the moment - almost 1,000 miles. But in the last 10 months we have seen each other at least once a month - sometimes more - for anywhere from 3-4 days together to over a week. We are both fortunate enough to have good jobs with a ton of flexibility so we can work from anywhere. Up until now, we have briefly discussed the subject of one of us relocating to be closer to the other physically...which we both agree we want to do, but we are not sure on the timeline to do this. Because while yes, we have know each other for almost 3 decades, we have only formally been dating since March...so the relationship is kinda new...even though it isn't...and here's why I'm here talking about this lol. 

Some opinions, please. Is it too soon to make a move like this? Some days I feel like it is...and M feels the same...but then other days I feel like we probably already knew all there is to know about each other...why waste anymore time? I am asking strangers because our friends all seem to have the same opinion, and I'm looking for some opinions that are less biased. 

Thanks in advance!

Edited December 27, 2021 by JAdams
missed a word

[glows]

A more logical concept is to consider the one moving finding his/her own place so that you date each other locally without jumping straight into living together.

Whatever either of you do, see to it that you can also undo without a lot of struggle. Don’t create hassles and headache living a miserable life either of you may struggle to change. 

Why not take your time and simply date within the same city/town? 

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, JAdams said:

 our friends all seem to have the same opinion, and I'm looking for some opinions that are less biased.

What are your friends advising? Is it to slow down and think things out rather than make rash decisions and life altering changes this soon and while rebounding?

Take your time. If it's meant to be it will happen.

LDRs are difficult because you don't know each other's lives that well and these multiday visits serve as a vacation rather than real life logistics.

[JAdams]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

What are your friends advising? Is it to slow down and think things out rather than make rash decisions and life altering changes this soon and while rebounding?

Take your time. If it's meant to be it will happen.

LDRs are difficult because you don't know each other's lives that well and these multiday visits serve as a vacation rather than real life logistics.

Thank you. Lately we have had a lot of conversations about the future.....and while we both agree that we do want to take the relationship to this step, the timeline is what we are trying to figure out and I've sought outside opinions on. Because when we talk about "Well, when?" I just don't know. Nothing to do with her and the way I feel about her.....just afraid to make a mistake I guess. 

Most of our mutual friends are asking "So when are you guys moving in together?" probably because we have known each other for so many years etc. And that is a point.......we do know each other's lives fairly well at this point since we have been good friends for so long. But at the same time......being someone's friend and being in a relationship with them are 2 diff. things. 

[JAdams]

7 hours ago, glows said:

A more logical concept is to consider the one moving finding his/her own place so that you date each other locally without jumping straight into living together.

Whatever either of you do, see to it that you can also undo without a lot of struggle. Don’t create hassles and headache living a miserable life either of you may struggle to change. 

Why not take your time and simply date within the same city/town? 

thank you. We considered this too - and I offered it to be the one to relocate because it would be easier for me to do than for her. She said she felt like if I were going to move then we should just live together since we would likely be together all the time anyway, so it would be a waste of a mortgage/rent payment......but it was ultimately up to me to make the decision. (I own a home at my current location, she owns one at her current location.....I am unsure if I would sell my house or rent it out just yet......but am leaning towards renting it out)  

[glows]

2 minutes ago, JAdams said:

thank you. We considered this too - and I offered it to be the one to relocate because it would be easier for me to do than for her. She said she felt like if I were going to move then we should just live together since we would likely be together all the time anyway, so it would be a waste of a mortgage/rent payment......but it was ultimately up to me to make the decision. (I own a home at my current location, she owns one at her current location.....I am unsure if I would sell my house or rent it out just yet......but am leaning towards renting it out)

Selling and moving in with her right off the bat is an option but not something I’d do, personally. It sounds rushed and too impulsive. I would treat the gesture as a generous offer but it’s not appealing or acceptable. Note that you’d be moving into her space and there is an established way of doing things around her house that you would need to conform to. Compounded with the pressure of having sold your home, the pressure increases and tensions may escalate very quickly. Your friends are being supportive especially given your backgrounds. Make a decision that you can live with. They aren’t living your life.

Another thing to consider is whether you want to relocate to the place she is at.

What is there for you? Have you looked into a social or personal life outside of your relationship? Do you take part in sports or are you a part of any groups/associations in your current area? Does the new city provide that or align with your lifestyle? Don’t move there and realize it’s a wasteland or run the risk of feeling like you’ve suddenly stalled and aren’t able to learn and grow as you otherwise would. 

[JAdams]

1 hour ago, glows said:

Selling and moving in with her right off the bat is an option but not something I’d do, personally. It sounds rushed and too impulsive. I would treat the gesture as a generous offer but it’s not appealing or acceptable. Note that you’d be moving into her space and there is an established way of doing things around her house that you would need to conform to. Compounded with the pressure of having sold your home, the pressure increases and tensions may escalate very quickly. Your friends are being supportive especially given your backgrounds. Make a decision that you can live with. They aren’t living your life.

Another thing to consider is whether you want to relocate to the place she is at.

What is there for you? Have you looked into a social or personal life outside of your relationship? Do you take part in sports or are you a part of any groups/associations in your current area? Does the new city provide that or align with your lifestyle? Don’t move there and realize it’s a wasteland or run the risk of feeling like you’ve suddenly stalled and aren’t able to learn and grow as you otherwise would. 

I am leaning very heavily on keeping my house and just renting it out more so than selling for sure. I am mindful of the domestic stuff too - at this point we have spent some time at each other's homes and we have a lot of compatibilities in "how we do things" as well, but I'm aware that there are still things to learn and so that's something I am doing as we go.

As for location, I actually really like the area she lives quite a bit - more so than my current location, and not because she happens to live there (it's a place I have taken short vacations to in the past, before we started a relationship). I do know a couple of people who live in a reasonable distance of her (an hour or less) and one of my best friends and his wife/family live two hours away as well. So that part is probably the thing I am worried about the least. I have lived in my current location for quite a while - I have some friends here and some family (mostly my ex wife's family, who I am still close with) and an adult child (who lives on his own) in the area...he will possibly be moving in a few months to a different city several hours away for a job opportunity...waiting for that plan to get firmed up right now. 

Thank you for your response and these good questions!

[glows]

It sounds like you’ve given it quite some thought. If it seems ok for you then I say go for it. Have a plan to fall back on (which you do) and enjoy your life together if you both are open to that.