Divorced and being manipulated

[StormCloud]

Just now, stillafool said:

Other than living under the roof with your kids what other benefit is this arrangement for you?  

None and it’s actually detrimental for me moving on and fixing myself. 

[stillafool]

58 minutes ago, StormCloud said:

She said “basically live together and coparent and what happens happens”. I said “what about him?” Her reply was “obviously we would break up”. Then she said “nothing is for certain this all hypothetical right now”. 

Tell her what is "for certain" is you are going to improve your health and life in order to find happiness.  Whether that includes her is what is uncertain at this point.

[StormCloud]

Just now, stillafool said:

Tell her what is "for certain" is you are going to improve your health and life in order to find happiness.  Whether that includes her is what is uncertain at this point.

I’ve told her that before and I honestly don’t think she believes me. 

Sometimes she tells me she’s done with me and the only reason she says she isn’t is because “she’s afraid I’ll try to take the kids from her” if she’s honest. 

Then I’ll start avoiding her and she will act crazy until I talk to her and then it’s “I just tell you that so you won’t be pushy about getting back together” or “I was just mad over this”. 

Then she will say “I want something temporary right now and not permanent - you’re permanent and he’s not”. 

That’s the kind of stuff that really screws with your mental health. 

 

[notbroken]

You are divorced.  Your wife has a boyfriend.  It really doesn't matter what her relationship with him is like other than how it affects your kids.  Move on.  All you are doing is wallowing in the pain.  It won't help your recovery, your wallet, or your family.   Your wife is done.  You should be.  As painful as it is, you need to move on as quickly and as best you can.  Don't give her one cent that is not court ordered.  If you want to do more then give something directly to your kids - not her.  Cut her off as much as possible.  Get in the gym.  Be the best you that you can be.  Do it for you - not her.  Your relationship with her is over - except the coparenting part.   Accepting that is hard but necessary for you to move on.   It is done.  Over.  Complete.  Finished.  

[StormCloud]

So she has been telling me over and over how she’s gonna end the relationship soon but she’s not gonna be “pressured” into it. Said it will likely end before summer. 

My son was complaining about her to me being a liar and said she tells this guy all the time that she loves him and acts very into him. I asked her about it and she said she only has said that to him joking when he does something for her and has never meant it. She also got mad at me for my son telling me this and is now saying “I’m only gonna talk to you about the kids” blah blah doing her usual projecting. 

She has told me repeatedly today she doesn’t love him nor want things to work long term but is happy with a short term relationship with him. Everything she’s told me prior to this has been lies so it makes me think she is lying about this too. 

It’s like she threatens me with not wanting to get back together “later” to get her way all the time. She knows she drained me financially and destroyed my car so I’m in no position to date and THANKS TO ME she is and she uses that to her advantage. 

Im thinking about avoiding her again because she repeatedly wished death on me today and told me she wishes she could watch me jump off a bridge… all because I told her she needed to be honest with me if she does love him because it’s a clear indicator for me to move on. She follows up with “move on if you want but I don’t love him”. She has also told me she’s not gonna admit if she’s being honest or not because “the unknown hurts me worse than what’s known”. 

I am starting to feel like she is making up him being into her so much and he’s just there to sleep with her and not pay bills. I think she’s the one in love and is trying every way possible to make him love her back but it’s not working like she thinks. I think she’s content with saying she won’t marry him because maybe he’s mentioned at some point he doesn’t want to marry her. I think she’s using me as a competition for him to make him want her more. She likes the attention I give her and honestly not being conceited but I’m a better looking guy than he is and way better off financially plus I’m the father to her children. She uses this to intimidate him into wanting her more, IMO. 

What do you guys think about this? 

[basil67]

36 minutes ago, StormCloud said:

all because I told her she needed to be honest with me if she does love him because it’s a clear indicator for me to move on.

She's your ex-wife.  She doesn't owe you any information about her personal life or feelings and you were out of line for asking.

The fact that you are divorced is reason enough for you to move on.

[StormCloud]

Just now, basil67 said:

She's your ex-wife.  She doesn't owe you any information about her personal life or feelings and you were out of line for asking.

The fact that you are divorced is reason enough for you to move on.

She comes to me with this stuff without me asking often. 

She also brings up reconciling “but not right now” as an option. If I’m not something she wants to work things out with eventually I’d just like to know that. She needs to stop pretending we are trying to rebuild something if that’s not her intent. 

[basil67]

Again, she's your ex wife.  She doesn't need to do anything with regards to what she says to you.

It's you who needs to make changes.  Stop engaging.  Move on.  If she raises the topic, tell her that you don't want to hear it.

[Estes]

27 minutes ago, StormCloud said:

 She needs to stop pretending we are trying to rebuild something if that’s not her intent. 

She doesn't need to do anything. Clearly her keeping you on the hook is working great for her so as long as you keep jumping every time she pulls your strings, there's absolutely no reason for her to do anything differently. Right now she's got two guys who want her, she gets sex from one guy, attention and money from the other, without making any promises to either one of them. I'd say she's got both of you exactly where she wants the two of you.

 

[StormCloud]

4 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Again, she's your ex wife.  She doesn't need to do anything with regards to what she says to you.

It's you who needs to make changes.  Stop engaging.  Move on.  If she raises the topic, tell her that you don't want to hear it.

So when this thread was created I deleted her from snap. She wants to talk to me on there over everywhere else for obvious reasons. I deleted her and the next morning she was texting asking me to add her back on there because has something she wants to ask in private. It was about moving together and “seeing where it goes”. I know it’s wrong for me to keep meddling, but she’s the one continually making me think there’s a chance as long as I don’t ghost her. 

[StormCloud]

Just now, Estes said:

She doesn't need to do anything. Clearly her keeping you on the hook is working great for her so as long as you keep jumping every time she pulls your strings, there's absolutely no reason for her to do anything differently. Right now she's got two guys who want her, she gets sex from one guy, attention and money from the other, without making any promises to either one of them. I'd say she's got both of you exactly where she wants the two of you.

 

I asked her which of us she’s lying to and she said both. Her and I don’t have sex but she does initiate little things like making me grab her butt or kissing me from time to time. I told her she’s confusing the children. Our four year old daughter tells everyone mommy has two boyfriends and one is daddy. The more I talk about this out loud the more I realize just how terrible she really is to be honest. 

[basil67]

8 minutes ago, StormCloud said:

So when this thread was created I deleted her from snap. She wants to talk to me on there over everywhere else for obvious reasons. I deleted her and the next morning she was texting asking me to add her back on there because has something she wants to ask in private. It was about moving together and “seeing where it goes”. I know it’s wrong for me to keep meddling, but she’s the one continually making me think there’s a chance as long as I don’t ghost her. 

No.  You're the one who keeps giving her power.   

You have the ability to stop all of this today if you choose to do so.

[StormCloud]

Just now, basil67 said:

No.  You're the one who keeps giving her power.   

You have the ability to stop all of this today if you choose to do so.

But what happens then? 

She’s the type that likes to feel like she’s in charge. She told me she would have already dumped the guy but me talking to her about it “keeps delaying it”. She said when I’m not “pressuring her” she starts to see clearly but she stays with him at this point more to spite me than anything to prove I have no control. 

Obviously I believe she just enjoys manipulating me. He doesn’t realize it and doesn’t care but she’s doing the same to him. He was her side piece before; now she’s hinting that she wants me to be as soon as I get out of my own way. 

I think she will get engaged to marry him if I walk away just to see my reaction. She’s that type. 

[basil67]

1 minute ago, StormCloud said:

I think she will get engaged to marry him if I walk away just to see my reaction. She’s that type. 

So let her do that.

Further, if she's "that type" why do you want her back?   I say this kindly, you are your own worst enemy here.   You've got all this opportunity to walk away from her mess and you won't take it.

 

 

[StormCloud]

Just now, basil67 said:

So let her do that.

Further, if she's "that type" why do you want her back?   I say this kindly, you are your own worst enemy here.   You've got all this opportunity to walk away from her mess and you won't take it.

 

 

Because I saw the side of her before all this and I miss that. She was perfect before. I feel like my only hope of winning her back is to move on, but I also feel like if I move on I’m risking her no longer viewing me as something she wants. Does that make sense? 

[S2B]

On 12/27/2021 at 6:21 AM, StormCloud said:

Can anyone explain to me what’s so special about Snapchat? 

I like it because there’s less drama and fake images versus Facebook or Instagram but she is texting me asking me to add her back to snap.

If she can text me why do I need to be on her snap? Even when I did talk to her on there it showed I was like the only person she talked to on there.

Both times she’s cheated on me she has done so on snap. This makes me uncomfortable to think maybe she is trying to set it up so that I’m her new side piece?

I’m a bit confused by all of this and I’m apparently blind when it comes so her so can somebody help me out here? 

Don’t do one single thing she asks.

and don’t give her one more penny! 
 

if she asks for anything beyond the support money she gets your standard answer is NO.

stop being her doormat. 

[StormCloud]

Just now, S2B said:

Don’t do one single thing she asks.

and don’t give her one more penny! 
 

if she asks for anything beyond the support money she gets your standard answer is NO.

stop being her doormat. 

And when she texts/calls/snaps? 

[S2B]

Do NOT respond! Just don’t!

unless your kids are in the hospital - there is no reason to communicate!

[glows]

23 minutes ago, StormCloud said:

Because I saw the side of her before all this and I miss that. She was perfect before. I feel like my only hope of winning her back is to move on, but I also feel like if I move on I’m risking her no longer viewing me as something she wants. Does that make sense? 

This statement here resonated quite a lot with me. I think you're living in the past and remembering who you both were as a couple and who she was to you as your wife, an earlier part of your life. 

You're still grieving and each time you stay in contact or are sexual and overly friendly with each other it's a constant reminder of what the both of you used to be. As someone else pointed out it's a perpetual cycle and you're traveling in a circle. 

For as long as you keep in contact you'll long for her and what you used to have. For as long as you feel that you miss her, you'll keep contacting her reliving this.

[StormCloud]

Just now, glows said:

This statement here resonated quite a lot with me. I think you're living in the past and remembering who you both were as a couple and who she was to you as your wife, an earlier part of your life. 

You're still grieving and each time you stay in contact or are sexual and overly friendly with each other it's a constant reminder of what the both of you used to be. As someone else pointed out it's a perpetual cycle and you're traveling in a circle. 

For as long as you keep in contact you'll long for her and what you used to have. For as long as you feel that you miss her, you'll keep contacting her reliving this.

Well when I cut off contact with her she calls me childish and immature and claims I don’t know how to find middle ground. She says “you’re either pestering me about getting back together or you completely ghost me”. Both apparently bother her, but I’m not sure why she can’t understand. 

[glows]

Just now, StormCloud said:

Well when I cut off contact with her she calls me childish and immature and claims I don’t know how to find middle ground. She says “you’re either pestering me about getting back together or you completely ghost me”. Both apparently bother her, but I’m not sure why she can’t understand. 

A divorce is usually based on two individuals not understanding each other or disagreeing on some/many aspects. You're still in denial about the divorce and living as if locked in time, as when you were married, trying to reach an understanding with her. 

Sadly this is part of letting go. You haven't done that yet.

[StormCloud]

10 minutes ago, glows said:

A divorce is usually based on two individuals not understanding each other or disagreeing on some/many aspects. You're still in denial about the divorce and living as if locked in time, as when you were married, trying to reach an understanding with her. 

Sadly this is part of letting go. You haven't done that yet.

She won’t accept anything less. She is constantly basically telling me to prove myself so we can work things out later. Telling me there’s hope if I can do this and that. 

[glows]

1 minute ago, StormCloud said:

She won’t accept anything less. She is constantly basically telling me to prove myself so we can work things out later. Telling me there’s hope if I can do this and that. 

Does it matter what she accepts? It's what you decide for yourself going forward. The marriage ended. She's with someone else. 

If you'd like to reconcile later on, try for something a bit more mutually respectful between the both of you.

Reconciliations are more reasonable after a good time has passed and both individuals have worked out their differences with ability and willingness to compromise. Nothing is really happening here except that all three of you are in a situation that isn't changing. There is also no mutual respect at all if one of you or all of you or some of you are not happy with what's going on.

Do you like what's happening? If so carry on. Otherwise, try to change it and move on. What she says matters less and less with time but you'll have to actively create that new reality. It doesn't just drop on a person's lap. Heal and move on from the break up. 

 

[StormCloud]

9 minutes ago, glows said:

Does it matter what she accepts? It's what you decide for yourself going forward. The marriage ended. She's with someone else. 

If you'd like to reconcile later on, try for something a bit more mutually respectful between the both of you.

Reconciliations are more reasonable after a good time has passed and both individuals have worked out their differences with ability and willingness to compromise. Nothing is really happening here except that all three of you are in a situation that isn't changing. There is also no mutual respect at all if one of you or all of you or some of you are not happy with what's going on.

Do you like what's happening? If so carry on. Otherwise, try to change it and move on. What she says matters less and less with time but you'll have to actively create that new reality. It doesn't just drop on a person's lap. Heal and move on from the break up. 

 

Her man doesn’t care what her and I do and it’s obvious. He’s in it for the wrong reasons. He is either completely delusional or uncaringly aware of what is going on. 

She wants me when I’m gone and him while I’m there. 

I just want honesty so I can cope with it. I’m tired of being torn between her daily personalities 

[glows]

7 minutes ago, StormCloud said:

Her man doesn’t care what her and I do and it’s obvious. He’s in it for the wrong reasons. He is either completely delusional or uncaringly aware of what is going on. 

She wants me when I’m gone and him while I’m there. 

I just want honesty so I can cope with it. I’m tired of being torn between her daily personalities 

I hate to be the one to break it to you but all's fair in love and divorce. Honesty is relative at this point. As I said you're still behaving and listening and hoping for something out of this based on what you felt for her many eons ago when you both used to love and respect one another in an entirely different way (perhaps early days in your relationship and marriage). 

In a divorce or break up you'll have to carve out your own sense of reality, what's honest and not honest, what's true and not true to you any longer. It's a painful transition period but it doesn't last forever as long as you realize that it's on you to do. No one hands it to you, and least of all the person you're divorcing from.