Divorced and being manipulated

[StormCloud]

The summary is I got married young. Her and I started dating in 2008 and got married in 2010. I was 20 and she was 18. We kind of rushed into marriage but I always felt we did love each other. Fast forward and we have three kids today. Last year in 2021, she started seeing someone behind my back and told me she wanted a divorce. She did her best to hide him from me but eventually the truth came out. Before I filed for the divorce, she had moved him into my house while we were just not living together. He didn’t even have a damn job during this time. She wasn’t working a lot either so she told me if I helped her with bills until she got on her feet that we may be able to work it out later. 

Now her and I did fight a lot, but mostly over silly things. I put on a lot of weight during the end of our marriage and it developed things like sleep apnea and hypertension. I think this is when she lost interest because when we got married I was very lean and muscular but the stress of a long hours and parenting caused me to lose myself. I put her through college and she graduated in 2021 and it was only a few months later she started cheating. She even told me one time she needed to graduate so she could be financially able to leave me.

I’ve been a complete idiot since all of this and I’ve given her tons of money, been there for her, gave her anything she asked for, etc. and no sooner than our divorce was final she posts in a relationship on Facebook with the guy she cheated on me with. The kids do not like him and feel she pushed him in on them while the scent of my cologne was still in the hallways of our house. They want their dad back and she gets extremely angry when that is mentioned. “I’m not going back to being miserable. I don’t think we could ever work but I don’t know how I’ll feel later on” she says.

She tells me sometimes she doesn’t see their relationship being long term but “things can change” and I feel like it’s mostly over money since he doesn’t make much at all and it seems to her top complaint. He doesn’t need to make much though I guess considering I give her money all the time and she makes good money herself.

My son complains constantly when he’s with me about “mom screaming” when they go into the bedroom together. This is a huge sting because I was never allowed to sleep next to her and she says it’s because of the sleep apnea. During the early part of our marriage, she and I had sex a lot but the last few years it slowed down a lot even though some of it was my porn addiction. It sounds from what the kids say and what she says like they have sex constantly. Their relationship is barely a month old “officially” even though they were sneaking around since April.

She tells me she wants to be with him right now and not me but “doesn’t know how she’s going to feel in the future”. She gives me hope one minute of getting back together someday and the next tells me she only says that so I won’t try to take the kids from her… then a few days will go by and she will say “I only say hurtful things to you because you get pushy when I say things that make you think there’s a chance”.

She tells me she’s not looking for long-term and doesn’t love him. She tells me she doesn’t know what’s going to happen in the future with her and I or him either. We have three kids and he has two. She tells me she would never marry him or anyone else again.

She was literally the perfect woman minus the attitude. She loved working out, tanning, great body, hot blonde, good career, wonderful cook. I don’t see any single guy in the world not drooling over her. She tells me she likes that her new man is laid back and won’t argue back with her. She said he gives her control over everything where when her and I were married she basically depended on me for everything. I think he’s being fake so he can sleep with her and show her off.

Sorry this was so long but now that she’s with him the kids say when he’s there she’s really nice and happy, keeps the house spotless, is a better mom, etc but when he’s gone she’s the same hateful bitter person she was when I was married to her. When her and I are around each other she’s still that person too.

I guess what I’m afraid of is that she actually loves him and wants to be a better person for him OR maybe shes just disguising herself for the time being because she’s more concerned with impressing him than being her true self.

For some reason though, if I go a few days without talking to her she gets upset and says she starts missing me. She found out I had a girl at the house the other night and got really mad and told me “we could never work things out now” and “well you’ve moved on so why should we talk?” I could tell it bothered her but if she’s so happy with her new life why would it?

Another thing is… she still comes to me when she needs something. She comes to me when she needs comfort with something. It’s like she’s more comfortable around me. But even though the kids have expressed their discomfort with the guy she says she’s not ending anything “right now” unless it’s on “her terms or his”.

The whole thing is confusing to me. Right now I just want to work on myself and get back in shape and get financially right again since I let her drain me. But she didn’t even let the seat get cold before she let him sit down.

One thing I do that I know I shouldn’t and she says pushes her away is I question her constantly. I question where their relationship is going, basically beg her back constantly, question their sex life, question how she feels him versus me, and she gets really irritated and always changes her answer which makes me even more uncertain and makes me question her even more.

What do you guys think?

[stillafool]

Welcome to LoveShack StormCloud.  I'm so sorry you and your kids are in this situation.  It sounds to me that your wife is in love with this guy while keeping you around as her security blanket when things go wrong with him.  She has lost respect for you and dangles a carrot in front of your face whenever she needs something which she knows you will be happy to provide.  For your own mental and emotinal health you need to stay away from her, squash any idea about reconciliation and get it in your head that he's the one she wants so let her have him.  Spend your time getting healthy again.  Eat right and work out which will raise your self confidence.  Don't talk to your ex about anything except the kids needs.  If the kids need something do not give her the money but take them and buy it for them.  Completely detach from her and let her see what it's like to depend on her loser boyfriend, because you are gone except for your kids.  Once you show her that you are moving on with your life and no longer want her back, it will scare her because her security blanket will be gone.  Then she will look at her lover differently.  Stop giving her money other than your court appointed child support.  Let him provide for her.  Find yourself a good woman as there are plenty out there.  Let all of this be your New Year's Resolution.

[Estes]

From what your kids have told you, she's really happy with the new guy, there's a lot of sex and when he's not around she's miserable. She apparently echos those sentiments when she has these little chats with you. You really need to stop talking to her about personal stuff.

She's totally messing with your head by saying meaningless stuff like "I don't know how I'll feel about him in the future". That's fairly obvious, none of us know how we'll feel about the other person in the future, that's why there are so many breakups and divorces. She uses nonsensical statements to keep you on the hook and extract money from you. Perhaps there are still residual feelings there but that doesn't mean she's ever going to come rushing back into your arms and begging for forgiveness as you seem to be half expecting her to do.

Don't give her any money over and above what is court ordered.

 

[StormCloud]

2 minutes ago, Estes said:

From what your kids have told you, she's really happy with the new guy, there's a lot of sex and when he's not around she's miserable. She apparently echos those sentiments when she has these little chats with you. You really need to stop talking to her about personal stuff.

She's totally messing with your head by saying meaningless stuff like "I don't know how I'll feel about him in the future". That's fairly obvious, none of us know how we'll feel about the other person in the future, that's why there are so many breakups and divorces. She uses nonsensical statements to keep you on the hook and extract money from you. Perhaps there are still residual feelings there but that doesn't mean she's ever going to come rushing back into your arms and begging for forgiveness as you seem to be half expecting her to do.

Don't give her any money over and above what is court ordered.

 

I agree with everything except that she’s happy with him and miserable when he’s not around. She tells me all the time she takes the kids and leaves him there to “get a break” which means tired of putting on a smiling face and acting normal. She prefers him there obviously, but he hasn’t seen the real side to her yet. He doesn’t know why she prefers to only communicate with me on Snapchat or over the phone. 

[Estes]

11 minutes ago, StormCloud said:

I agree with everything except that she’s happy with him and miserable when he’s not around. She tells me all the time she takes the kids and leaves him there to “get a break” which means tired of putting on a smiling face and acting normal.

You wrote  "the kids say when he’s there she’s really nice and happy, keeps the house spotless, is a better mom, etc but when he’s gone she’s the same hateful bitter person she was when I was married to her".

She probably IS happier. It shows. They're having sex all the time and they're sleeping in the same bed which is different from when the two of you were married. Nothing like the sparks flying in a new relationship. Perhaps it's not going to last, but who knows? Maybe they're a better fit. So what she wants to get away with the kids, a new relationship can be somewhat intense at times. You jump to all sorts of conclusions that the whole thing is fake and is going to implode and she'll realize she made a big mistake and come rushing back into your arms begging for forgiveness.

If I was you i wouldn't be sticking around looking for breadcrumbs and latching onto anything she says and does that might indicate trouble in paradise. Even if she leaves him, the odds are remotely small that she'll want to come back to you. She already said she's not going to get married again.

Are you still giving her money over and above what the court ordered? That's an important question which you didn't answer.

If so it explains why she continues to talk to you and explains why she might be telling you some of what you want to hear. You said it yourself in the title of your post, you are "bring manipulated". Usually it's all about the money.

Edited December 26, 2021 by Estes

[StormCloud]

1 minute ago, Estes said:

You wrote  "the kids say when he’s there she’s really nice and happy, keeps the house spotless, is a better mom, etc but when he’s gone she’s the same hateful bitter person she was when I was married to her".

She probably IS happier. It shows. They're having sex all the time and they're sleeping in the same bed which is different from when the two of you were married. Nothing like the sparks flying in a new relationship. Perhaps it's not going to last, but who knows? Maybe they're a better fit. So what she wants to get away with the kids, a new relationship can be somewhat intense at times. You jump to all sorts of conclusions that the whole thing is fake and is going to implode and she'll realize she made a big mistake and come rushing back into your arms begging for forgiveness.

If I was you i wouldn't be sticking around looking for breadcrumbs and latching onto anything she says and does that might indicate trouble in paradise. Even if she leaves him, the odds are remotely small that she'll want to come back to you. She already said she's not going to get married again.

Are you still giving her money over and above what the court ordered? That's an important question which you didn't answer.

If so it explains why she continues to talk to you and explains why she might be telling you some of what you want to hear.

Everyone is happy in new relationships, but every time I cut contact with her she’s the one begging me to talk to her. She’s made fake emails, fake text accounts, fake snaps, etc pleading with me to talk to her and even pleading with me not to move a little further away. 
 

I haven’t given her much money in the last two months honestly. I’ve given her what the court ordered and that was it. She has more money than I do actually now thanks to work bonuses and those advanced child credits. 
 

she’s happy in some aspects but refers to him as an overgrown man child with childish personality. Her keeping the house spotless around him just shows me she’s not comfortable enough to let him see her true side. I’ve known her since she was a teenager and she only does that when it’s someone she wants to impress. I can even tell when he’s around because she changes her voice in front of him. 
 

apparently she’s even threatened to breakup with him once, but you are right. I need to quit letting her drag me along. She hints to me that she doesn’t want anything long term with him and if she and I can build a new relationship and be civil with each other for a while it may change the way she sees me. Honestly, she may me telling the truth or she may be feeding more lies; either way, I think maybe it’s time to cut off any contact that does not directly relate to the significance of the kids. 

 

[Estes]

Ok, it's not about money. She's keeping you around as a friend, but what's in it for you?

You know what they say about absence and the heart growing fonder.

It's probably time to exit stage left, but not as some sort of manipulative tactic. Maybe she'll come around when she sees she's finally losing you but don't do it for that reason.

[StormCloud]

4 minutes ago, Estes said:

Ok, it's not about money. She's keeping you around as a friend, but what's in it for you?

You know what they say about absence and the heart growing fonder.

It's probably time to exit stage left, but not as some sort of manipulative tactic. Maybe she'll come around when she sees she's finally losing you but don't do it for that reason.

I said that same thing about being a friend. That’s actually how we got together. She was engaged to a guy and i was her friend and eventually she left him for me. I guess I was her security blanket then and she wants that same thing now. Just like the guy she’s with now was probably her security blanket during our marriage. For how long? Who knows. 
 

She does admit that when we go without talking she starts to miss me. I also believe you can’t miss what isn’t gone. I’m here pretty much annoying the daylights out of her about getting back together and it’s put a temporary discomfort on her toward me that she doesn’t feel with him which has only driven her closer to him… 

She said she asked him the other day why she has to talk to me on snap and she said she told him she will talk to me how she wants. Who knows if that was true. 
 

I guess I better cut contact and let her miss me til it hurts and stop giving into her. Not for that reason, but for my own mental health. 
 

I think the issue isn’t how much I loved her, but how little I loved myself and it shows. A man that respects himself doesn’t allow anyone to do these things to them. That’s the bigger problem ultimately and probably why she lost interest to begin with. 

 

Edited December 26, 2021 by StormCloud

[Estes]

19 minutes ago, StormCloud said:

 A man that respects himself doesn’t allow anyone to do these things to them. That’s the bigger problem ultimately and probably why she lost interest to begin with.

Spot on.

[StormCloud]

8 minutes ago, Estes said:

Spot on.

I’m sorry. Her words were “I don’t see this lasting” and “I doubt it will even last a year”. She even told me this morning they didn’t even get each other gifts yesterday. And she swears on everything that she likes him but doesn’t love him. 

Edited December 26, 2021 by StormCloud

[Estes]

Regardless of whether her words are sincere, or if she even KNOWS how she really feels, you should not be having these conversations with her.

Its non productive, none of your business, and you're giving her emotional support that she doesn't deserve simply by listening to her.

 

[StormCloud]

4 minutes ago, Estes said:

Regardless of whether her words are sincere, or if she even KNOWS how she really feels, you should not be having these conversations with her.

Its non productive, none of your business, and you're giving her emotional support that she doesn't deserve simply by listening to her.

 

I think by being her security blanket and financially supporting her I made it easy for her to enjoy her new life.

[Estes]

Your assistance certainly removes a lot of her stressors.

She's got her boyfriend/lover, she's got you as her good friend waiting in the wings hoping for something more, she has no money worries, and she's got full access to the kids.

Not a bad place to be.

[StormCloud]

19 minutes ago, Estes said:

Your assistance certainly removes a lot of her stressors.

She's got her boyfriend/lover, she's got you as her good friend waiting in the wings hoping for something more, she has no money worries, and she's got full access to the kids.

Not a bad place to be.

Everything that goes wrong - she blames me. He doesn’t “officially” live with her. He has an apartment, but he NEVER goes to it. He comes home from work to her place and stays there even when she works night shift on the weekends… 

With this in mind, she asks him to pay zero bills and praises him if he brings home dinner for the evening from the grocery store. 
 

I on the other hand, gave her $4,800.00 in less than seven weeks and she never even thanked me. 
 

She backed into a car the night before our divorce and came to my house to “spend the last night of our marriage together” and when the restaurant called me and told me about the hit and run and threatened to call the police, she informed me she had no insurance.

I pleaded with the owner of the car she hit and told him I would pay out of pocket for her damages if he would not report her. He came back with a huge quote on the damages. I said “if you are involved with someone and let me do this it makes me look stupid”. She swore she wasn’t. After the situation was taken care of, seven days later, she went public with her new relationship. 

 

[IrinaM]

Have either one of you filed a civil motion for the dissolution of marriage? I didn't see that anywhere in your post, but maybe I skipped over that.

I'm confused about how she manages to keep a roof over her head. You said this dude doesn't work and that you don't give her money? How does she support three children?

[Estes]

And yet here you are still waiting for her. And still giving her money.

You need to start asking yourself the really hard questions.

Start with "what's in it for me?"

 

[Estes]

1 minute ago, IrinaM said:

Have either one of you filed a civil motion for the dissolution of marriage?

Read the first post a bit more carefully.

[IrinaM]

Yeah I just saw a phrase that said, "before I filed for divorce," but then I wasn't sure if he really did or not.

I ask because there don't seem to be any boundaries in the situation. Usually a divorce decree will spell out all the money issues etc, and then you can just comply with the order and not worry about anything else.

[stillafool]

2 hours ago, StormCloud said:

she’s happy in some aspects but refers to him as an overgrown man child with childish personality. Her keeping the house spotless around him just shows me she’s not comfortable enough to let him see her true side. I’ve known her since she was a teenager and she only does that when it’s someone she wants to impress. I can even tell when he’s around because she changes her voice in front of him. 

Yes she's trying to impress him by being someone she is not in order to keep him wanting her.  She's trying to seem like the perfect little housewife, mother and sex kitten in order to keep him.  She even changes her voice to a more pleasant tone in front of him.  Why didn't she do those things to impress and keep you around?  Why did she go through with the divorce if she loved you?

[stillafool]

38 minutes ago, StormCloud said:

pleaded with the owner of the car she hit and told him I would pay out of pocket for her damages if he would not report her. He came back with a huge quote on the damages. I said “if you are involved with someone and let me do this it makes me look stupid”. She swore she wasn’t. After the situation was taken care of, seven days later, she went public with her new relationship. 

This should tell you everything you need to know about the level of love and respect she has for you.   I know love can be blind but why can't you see this?

[StormCloud]

1 minute ago, stillafool said:

Yes she's trying to impress him by being someone she is not in order to keep him wanting her.  She's trying to seem like the perfect little housewife, mother and sex kitten in order to keep him.  She even changes her voice to a more pleasant tone in front of him.  Why didn't she do those things to impress and keep you around?  Why did she go through with the divorce if she loved you?

Here’s my opinion…. 

1- I was more available than him and it shows. I filed, not her. She kept saying she needed more time to decide what she wanted. When I kept bugging her about working things out, she realized I would always be an option. 

2- She didn’t do those things around me because she could be herself around me. I knew her when she was just a teenager. I went into the marriage knowing who she was. Now, things got worse as time went on. I saw she was worse than she let on about 4 years into the marriage, but she did attempt to hide some things from me too in the beginning. 

3- I think there’s a huge difference between love and lust.. and I believe she had some people in her ear that wanted to see our marriage fail. 

I volunteered to keep her up financially through the divorce and I kept telling her the door would always be open. This made her too comfortable and she acted on her demons. 

 

 

[StormCloud]

44 minutes ago, IrinaM said:

Have either one of you filed a civil motion for the dissolution of marriage? I didn't see that anywhere in your post, but maybe I skipped over that.

I'm confused about how she manages to keep a roof over her head. You said this dude doesn't work and that you don't give her money? How does she support three children?

She works. I paid out of pocket for her to go to college. She just graduated in March. She makes good money now working night shift at the hospital. He works now too but he he doesn’t make much at all. 

[StormCloud]

46 minutes ago, Estes said:

And yet here you are still waiting for her. And still giving her money.

You need to start asking yourself the really hard questions.

Start with "what's in it for me?"

 

She says that makes me selfish. She says I make everything about me. If I say “it’s not my job to do that now” she says “if we were together you would so you’re basically saying if I don’t have sex with you then I mean nothing to you”. It’s pitiful. Yet she will tell me if I give her money, she will come over and let me rub on her and stuff. It’s sick. 

[StormCloud]

28 minutes ago, IrinaM said:

Yeah I just saw a phrase that said, "before I filed for divorce," but then I wasn't sure if he really did or not.

I ask because there don't seem to be any boundaries in the situation. Usually a divorce decree will spell out all the money issues etc, and then you can just comply with the order and not worry about anything else.

She told the judge during the hearing she did not want child support. She did this because she was in fear that I would tell them about her affair. Obviously it wouldn’t have effected child support but her concern was delaying the divorce and her man losing interest since he waited 4-5 months as is. 

[Estes]

1 minute ago, StormCloud said:

She says that makes me selfish. She says I make everything about me. If I say “it’s not my job to do that now” she says “if we were together you would so you’re basically saying if I don’t have sex with you then I mean nothing to you”. It’s pitiful. Yet she will tell me if I give her money, she will come over and let me rub on her and stuff. It’s sick. 

To sum things up.

She divorced you and has a live-in boyfriend who she has sex with all the time, and yet she says you're selfish if you don't give her more money than is court ordered, and lets you rub off on her and stuff if you give her more money.

I would say "it's sick" is an understatement.