Confused and shy

[Roxie86]

Hi all, I'm new here just looking for guidance. There is a lot to unpack but I'll try to simplify.

I am 35, single and have avoided dating and relationships for a very long time. Following a lot of unfortunate toxic flings and struggles trying to date as a plus size woman with background trauma, I made a promise to myself that I would stop looking for love because the pain is worse than the loneliness.

Last year I learned that my first love committed suicide. Without realizing, I became obsessed with his death and feeling that he is with me, or at least waiting for me to join him in heaven. 2 months ago it hit me how unhealthy this is, and I have been going for therapy.

In the midst of unpacking suppressed emotions and desires with my therapist, I quickly came to realize that I have feelings for one of my very long term friends.

At my age, with so little healthy dating experience, I feel very lost. I have noticed him and I becoming a lot closer recently, and a lot of signs of mutual interest are there. However, i may just be seeing what i want to see.. He told me last night, in a round about way, that he doesn't want to date within the circle of friends based on past negative experience and damaged friendships. 

I have not told him how I feel, so I don't know if he has an idea and tried to let me down gently.. or if he was looking for some reassurance.. or if this was just a benign statement in a conversation between friends.

At the end of the day, we are both too shy and damaged to make a move.. what should I do? 

He is genuinely an amazing man and do not want to miss any possible opportinity.. I'm just absolutely terrified of being rejected at the same time.

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, Roxie86 said:

He told me last night, in a round about way, that he doesn't want to date within the circle of friends based on past negative experience and damaged friendships. 

Welcome to LoveShack Roxie.   What were you talking about before he made that statement?

[Roxie86]

3 hours ago, stillafool said:

Welcome to LoveShack Roxie.   What were you talking about before he made that statement?

Thanks 😊 

Three years ago I tried to set him up with a girlfriend of mine. He wasn't interested at the time, and ended up getting back together with his ex instead. That ended horribly, so he mentioned "I realize I could have dated ____ instead," but after his last two girlfriends tried to destroy all his friendships, he doesn't think it's a good idea to date in the circle.

We were having a long, general conversation about our friends and the past.

I did tell him I am sorry that he was dealt two bad cards, and said "I wouldn't limit yourself if there's someone you're interested in who acts maturely and doesn't leave a path of destruction behind all of their relationships." He agreed but the conversation moved on.

[glows]

Respect what he says and leave the friendship as it is. He doesn’t sound anywhere close to dating again. I think you’ve picked him because he’s easy to like and is someone you’ve known. He’s not ok to date. 

Toying with the idea of romance with him is an extension of avoiding dating for real.

Let go of your insecurities, get some fresh air, meet new people and gain more perspective in the process. If this friendship buds into something fruitful later on, that’s fine. Right now, it seems forced and strange. Avoid gossiping about mutual friends or talking about other people. Move on out and explore what’s out there. 

[Roxie86]

5 hours ago, glows said:

Respect what he says and leave the friendship as it is. He doesn’t sound anywhere close to dating again. I think you’ve picked him because he’s easy to like and is someone you’ve known. He’s not ok to date. 

Toying with the idea of romance with him is an extension of avoiding dating for real.

Let go of your insecurities, get some fresh air, meet new people and gain more perspective in the process. If this friendship buds into something fruitful later on, that’s fine. Right now, it seems forced and strange. Avoid gossiping about mutual friends or talking about other people. Move on out and explore what’s out there. 

Thank you for your reply, but there is some context I likely should have included in the original post.

I am not an insecure person. My fear of rejection comes from a place of not wanting to damage the friendship or create distance, not in fear of feeling unworthly (although no one wants to feel that way.) And he is actively on dating sites and looking to date again, he has been single for almost 2 years now.

And lastly, his ex's made up a ton of ugly lies in an effort to destroy his friendships when they broke up. I absolutely respect this boundary but if there is any mutual interest, I want to make it known that I'm not evil like that, and therefore would not want to be painted with the same brush.

Hope that gives some better info, I just tried to keep my original post as short as possible 

[SincereOnlineGuy]

On 12/20/2021 at 3:18 AM, Roxie86 said:

Hi all, I'm new here just looking for guidance. There is a lot to unpack but I'll try to simplify.

I am 35, single and have avoided dating and relationships for a very long time. Following a lot of unfortunate toxic flings and struggles trying to date as a plus size woman with background trauma, I made a promise to myself that I would stop looking for love because the pain is worse than the loneliness.

Last year I learned that my first love committed suicide. Without realizing, I became obsessed with his death and feeling that he is with me, or at least waiting for me to join him in heaven. 2 months ago it hit me how unhealthy this is, and I have been going for therapy.

In the midst of unpacking suppressed emotions and desires with my therapist, I quickly came to realize that I have feelings for one of my very long term friends.

At my age, with so little healthy dating experience, I feel very lost. I have noticed him and I becoming a lot closer recently, and a lot of signs of mutual interest are there. However, i may just be seeing what i want to see.. He told me last night, in a round about way, that he doesn't want to date within the circle of friends based on past negative experience and damaged friendships. 

I have not told him how I feel, so I don't know if he has an idea and tried to let me down gently.. or if he was looking for some reassurance.. or if this was just a benign statement in a conversation between friends.

At the end of the day, we are both too shy and damaged to make a move.. what should I do? 

He is genuinely an amazing man and do not want to miss any possible opportinity.. I'm just absolutely terrified of being rejected at the same time.

 

Men...  just simply don't engage in the way that you are perceiving.

 

UNLESS you are his

 

neighbor

coworker at the water cooler each day

friend of a close family member of his, etc.

 

MEN have zero interest in being mere "friends" with women whom they would not rather be  banging.

 

 

Now unless "THE circle of friends" is   Monica, Phoebe, Rachel, Ross, Chandler, Joey and sometimes "Janice" ...    (and it includes both of you) then don't even contemplate what he said that way.

 

IF  you were a puzzle for me to somehow complete, I would first have you unpack a LOT more during therapy so that you are potentially at your very best as somebody who might wish to pursue something with this male friend.

 

That might even include...  some directness under the umbrella OF that therapy  where you boldly ask the therapist:

 

"What and how much do you think I need to do therapy-wise before I could pursue a romantic relationship with this man and BE/seem 'healthy' while so doing?? "

 

 

Edited December 22, 2021 by SincereOnlineGuy

[glows]

On 12/20/2021 at 2:11 PM, Roxie86 said:

Thank you for your reply, but there is some context I likely should have included in the original post.

I am not an insecure person. My fear of rejection comes from a place of not wanting to damage the friendship or create distance, not in fear of feeling unworthly (although no one wants to feel that way.) And he is actively on dating sites and looking to date again, he has been single for almost 2 years now.

And lastly, his ex's made up a ton of ugly lies in an effort to destroy his friendships when they broke up. I absolutely respect this boundary but if there is any mutual interest, I want to make it known that I'm not evil like that, and therefore would not want to be painted with the same brush.

Hope that gives some better info, I just tried to keep my original post as short as possible 

You wouldn't need to make anything known or even draw attention to your goodness/positive traits/character however with a man who is ok to date. He'd recognize that in an instant if he knows what he's looking for. If there is even a slight chance that he perceives you as evil or paints you with the same brush, that's on him. You know what you are and if he can't recognize that, it's his loss entirely. Him being active on dating sites doesn't necessarily mean that he's ok to date either. There are plenty of people roaming around out there presenting themselves as dating or relationship material when they are not. 

Either way, it doesn't sound like he's interested if he's pursuing other women and not asking you out. Don't put your life on hold in the meantime. Limit contact with him if you're feeling unable to move forward or see/meet with other men.

 

Edited December 23, 2021 by glows