Long affair now getting married

[Sareenaa122]

I have been with my partner for 17 years and I’m now 34. I love him. I had an emotional affair with a man for 3 years when I was 24 then he moved to Italy and I went to see him and slept with him for three weeks as I missed him. He was single. We agreed I would go back to break off my relationship and then return to him. But I couldn’t do it as I was terrified. 3 years later my partner proposed. I cried when he did as I was scared to commit. But I said yes. 2 years after that I met a guy at work and fell deeply in love with him. Like really in love. He was married with a young daughter. We had the most intense affair seeing, talking, messaging each other every day. For 5 years now. I love him intensely. Three years into the affair, he left his wife for me. My mum was diagnosed with terminal cancer at the same time. And Covid hit. I couldn’t cope. My world feels upside down. I want kids. Now they won’t grow up to see their grandmother. I want to be with my affair partner but I love my partner and can’t cope the thought of hurting people and people finding out. They would hate me and I would be alone. It would also take time before it looked as though we had met naturally. Though people would always work it out. And I’m jealous that my affair partner has been married (now divorced), has a daughter, has done things I wished I’d done. At least my affair partner has his daughter. I don’t have any joy in my life. I love my partner and he wants kids. My relationship with him isn’t enough but maybe with kids it will be. My affair partner and I broke up two weeks ago as I need to get a move on and start a family as I’m getting old. So I’m now going to plan a wedding and try and have children as soon as possible. I don’t know what I’m doing…advice?

Edited December 18, 2021 by Sareenaa122
Question added

[Wiseman2]

21 minutes ago, Sareenaa122 said:

I have been with my partner for 17 years and I’m now 34.  I’m now going to plan a wedding and try and have children as soon as possible.

Who are you marrying? Your lover or your partner?

Why after 17 years are you now thinking about marriage and family?

Why did your lover end things?

You seem depressed and misguided. Children don't save bad relationships.

See a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

Edited December 18, 2021 by Wiseman2

[Sareenaa122]

5 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Who are you marrying? Why after 17 years are you now thinking about marriage and family?

Why did your lover end things?

I’m marrying my partner of 17 years who I’ve cheated on twice over nearly 8 years of our relationship.

I am thinking of marriage and family because my body clock is running out and im worried I will miss out on being a mother.

It ended with my lover because im too scared to change and leave my partner and have my world crash down around me. 

Edited December 18, 2021 by Sareenaa122
Spelling

[glows]

Is there something terrible that you associate with being “alone”? I think your fears are deeply rooted in being alone or what that means for you so you surround yourself with a collection of individuals who all seem at odds with each other. Fiancé versus AP, losing your mother versus gaining a child.

Losing your mother might have sped up your desire to be a mother yourself and you may be seeking to give someone else a complete sense of family that you might not have had when you were little. Was your dad present when you were growing up? 

Where is your self doubt coming from? Since you’ve broken things off with your affair partners do you doubt you’ll be a good wife and mother? Or do you doubt your fiancé is the man for you? 

[Sareenaa122]

2 minutes ago, glows said:

Is there something terrible that you associate with being “alone”? I think your fears are deeply rooted in being alone or what that means for you so you surround yourself with a collection of individuals who all seem at odds with each other. Fiancé versus AP, losing your mother versus gaining a child.

Losing your mother might have sped up your desire to be a mother yourself and you may be seeking to give someone else a complete sense of family that you might not have had when you were little. Was your dad present when you were growing up? 

Where is your self doubt coming from? Since you’ve broken things off with your affair partners do you doubt you’ll be a good wife and mother? Or do you doubt your fiancé is the man for you? 

I want to be a mother. I doubt myself as a good one. My fiancé will be a good father. He is a good man. But I love my AP. He has had a life before me and I’m jealous of that.

My parents are together. I don’t like loss.

[glows]

3 minutes ago, Sareenaa122 said:

I want to be a mother. I doubt myself as a good one. My fiancé will be a good father. He is a good man. But I love my AP. He has had a life before me and I’m jealous of that.

My parents are together. I don’t like loss.

Yet you don’t have to live with your AP. You only have to see your fiancé. Forget the AP. He may inspire you to have your own family but he offers nothing in terms of deeper fulfilment.

Do you love your fiancé? Using someone solely for having a family or ignoring that you don’t share any other intimate or strong feelings and getting married seems like a recipe for disaster.

[Sareenaa122]

20 minutes ago, glows said:

Yet you don’t have to live with your AP. You only have to see your fiancé. Forget the AP. He may inspire you to have your own family but he offers nothing in terms of deeper fulfilment.

Do you love your fiancé? Using someone solely for having a family or ignoring that you don’t share any other intimate or strong feelings and getting married seems like a recipe for disaster.

I love my fiancé. He provides my stability. I love how I feel with my AP. I want children with him. But he has a child.

[pepperbird2]

OP,

You sound like you're all over the place, ,like you're drowning and desperately hoping for a lifeline.

Please, just stop. Take some time, sit down, centre yourself and really think all this through.

Why are you considering marrying this man? Do you love him, is it for comfort, you just don't want to say "no" and hurt him, you think he's your last chance for a family?
If you really think it through and it;s not because you love him and want to be with just him, please stop. You owe it to him (and yourself) to pull the plug. I can guarantee you it's going to be a lot less painful for him (and you) than if you get married and cheat on him down the road.

If I were in your shoes, I woudl call of the wedding. Yes, that will be hard, but it sounds like it what woudl be best for you and your fiancee. After that, get yourself into some therapy so that you can sort through all this and come out a happier woman who knows what she wants and won't settle for less. Think of this as being a gift to your potential future children. They'll start out life with a mom who is well grounded, happy and doesn't bring  whole lot of excess baggage to the table.

[RebeccaR]

4 hours ago, Sareenaa122 said:

3 years later my partner proposed. I cried when he did as I was scared to commit.

This was your gut speaking. You don’t want to marry him and that’s why you had the physical reaction of crying.

[Bryanp]

Have you ever thought of being honest with your partner? Don't you think he deserves to know that you have been cheating on him for 10 years with two different men before you marry him? Don't you think he deserves all the information about you before he commits to marrying you? 

How would you feel if your partner was betraying you for the past 10 years behind your back and putting your health at risk for STD's? I guess the only thing that matters to you is that everything is only about you and be damned what may be best for your partner. How do you not see how cruel you are being to your partner by withholding the truth from him?

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, Sareenaa122 said:

I am thinking of marriage and family because my body clock is running out and im worried I will miss out on being a mother.

It ended with my lover because im too scared to change and leave my partner and have my world crash down around me. 

Does your partner own the house or support you? What do you mean by "world crashing down"?

Does he even want to get married to you or have kids with you? Have you recently spoken about trying to conceive?

Edited December 18, 2021 by Wiseman2

[Sareenaa122]

1 hour ago, Bryanp said:

Have you ever thought of being honest with your partner? Don't you think he deserves to know that you have been cheating on him for 10 years with two different men before you marry him? Don't you think he deserves all the information about you before he commits to marrying you? 

How would you feel if your partner was betraying you for the past 10 years behind your back and putting your health at risk for STD's? I guess the only thing that matters to you is that everything is only about you and be damned what may be best for your partner. How do you not see how cruel you are being to your partner by withholding the truth from him?

He wants to marry me and have a family with me. I just don’t know if a relationship with him and no children is enough. He is successful. And I owe it to him.

[Sareenaa122]

49 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Does your partner own the house or support you? What do you mean by "world crashing down"?

Does he even want to get married to you or have kids with you? Have you recently spoken about trying to conceive?

My world crashing down is him knowing, the world knowing I cheated, and I being alone and not having a family.

Yes he wants to marry me and have a family with me. Yes we have spoke about conceiving. He won’t have a family unless we are married.

[Sareenaa122]

3 hours ago, RebeccaR said:

This was your gut speaking. You don’t want to marry him and that’s why you had the physical reaction of crying.

Our relationship isn’t enough. But he deserves a family and I want one.

[Sareenaa122]

5 hours ago, pepperbird2 said:

OP,

You sound like you're all over the place, ,like you're drowning and desperately hoping for a lifeline.

Please, just stop. Take some time, sit down, centre yourself and really think all this through.

Why are you considering marrying this man? Do you love him, is it for comfort, you just don't want to say "no" and hurt him, you think he's your last chance for a family?
If you really think it through and it;s not because you love him and want to be with just him, please stop. You owe it to him (and yourself) to pull the plug. I can guarantee you it's going to be a lot less painful for him (and you) than if you get married and cheat on him down the road.

If I were in your shoes, I woudl call of the wedding. Yes, that will be hard, but it sounds like it what woudl be best for you and your fiancee. After that, get yourself into some therapy so that you can sort through all this and come out a happier woman who knows what she wants and won't settle for less. Think of this as being a gift to your potential future children. They'll start out life with a mom who is well grounded, happy and doesn't bring  whole lot of excess baggage to the table.

But if I stop I will be too old to have what I want and start a family.

[elaine567]

15 minutes ago, Sareenaa122 said:

Our relationship isn’t enough.

You have two lovers because neither is actually "enough".
That is the main problem.
Both men are "lacking" in some way.
You are now getting desperate, your biological clock is ticking and you have decided your fiancé is the better  bet,  but you are still in a quandary as you know he is not really "the one", he is just the best you can do at present.
 

[Wiseman2]

16 minutes ago, Sareenaa122 said:

I don’t know if I want to marry him. But marrying him will make him happy and we can try to have a family as he needs to be married before children.

What , exactly precipitated this? Did the married lover refuse to divorce? Did your partner threaten to leave?

You seem very reluctant to marry this man and somehow believe having children will  make you happy and fill the void your departed lover left.

Your clock has been ticking for a while now so it's best to be honest with yourself why you feel forced to marry .

Clearly this is not an arranged marriage situation, so what is the driving force staying with this partner?

 Do you work? Does he support you? Why do you feel forced to stay with him?

[Sareenaa122]

40 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

What , exactly precipitated this? Did the married lover refuse to divorce? Did your partner threaten to leave?

You seem very reluctant to marry this man and somehow believe having children will  make you happy and fill the void your departed lover left.

Your clock has been ticking for a while now so it's best to be honest with yourself why you feel forced to marry .

Clearly this is not an arranged marriage situation, so what is the driving force staying with this partner?

 Do you work? Does he support you? Why do you feel forced to stay with him?

I’m not forced to marry. I just feel I owe it to him and he is a good man and wants to marry me and have a family. We have been together for 17 years. We have a business together and we have money and stability at home. I have my own money. We have friends and family all around us. I just feel sad all the time. I’m depressed all the time and compartmentalise everything in my life.

I don’t want to hurt him and see him angry and upset with me. I don’t want the world to know I’ve cheated on him as I would be outcast. And I want a family. I’m just really sad and hate myself.

I miss my AP and thinking about him always.

[Sareenaa122]

49 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

What , exactly precipitated this? Did the married lover refuse to divorce? Did your partner threaten to leave?

It happened at work. I met him while I was planning my wedding to my fiancé. I fell completely in love with him and we saw each other and spoke every day and had the most amazing sexual and physical and emotional chemistry. We had so much sex and even went away together a few times every year. Now 5 years later I am here and time is running out to have a family.

My married AP separated from his wife to be with me 3 years into our 5 year affair. He is now divorced and wants to be with me still.

I am too scared to leave my fiance, and for him to be angry and hurt with me, and all the uncertainty of how I will be perceived by our friends and family as a home wrecker.

I love how I feel with my AP. I’m jealous of his daughter though. And don’t know how it would work.

[LynneVicious]

You’ve made bad decisions that affect everyone.  You cant marry your partner while In Love with someone else. I have a feeling you don’t love yourself though. You cant truly love without loving yourself. 
 

Marrying your partner would be selfish and disastrous - especially if he found out about your double life - which he deserves to know about by the way so he can make his own decisions  

Being with your ap will result in hurting your fiancé and people finding out - plus your jealousy of his daughter. No way should youbsubject an innocent child to jealousy like that.

You always have the option to freeze some eggs if motherhood is a priority to you. But you’ve got to get your life straightened out first  please don’t bring a child into this m. 

Get into therapy stat. 

[Sareenaa122]

3 hours ago, LynneVicious said:

You’ve made bad decisions that affect everyone.  You cant marry your partner while In Love with someone else. I have a feeling you don’t love yourself though. You cant truly love without loving yourself. 
 

Marrying your partner would be selfish and disastrous - especially if he found out about your double life - which he deserves to know about by the way so he can make his own decisions  

Being with your ap will result in hurting your fiancé and people finding out - plus your jealousy of his daughter. No way should youbsubject an innocent child to jealousy like that.

You always have the option to freeze some eggs if motherhood is a priority to you. But you’ve got to get your life straightened out first  please don’t bring a child into this m. 

Get into therapy stat. 

Would he stay with someone like me after I’ve cheated on him for so long? I compartmentalise a lot.

What happens if he finds out?

Would anyone stay with someone knowing this had gone on? Let alone marry them…

I am sad all the time

Edited December 19, 2021 by Sareenaa122
Spelling

[Lotsgoingon]

The affairs you've had show that you either don't like your partner or aren't really attracted to him or that you don't like marriage for yourself.

Closing your eyes and holding your breath and diving into marriage to simply have children--spectacularly dumb idea. Can't think more dumb than that. Better to have your kids on your own through some artificial means than to purposely marry someone you are not into. BTW: you think your attitude towards your partner is going to escape your kids' notice?  Absolutely not.

Marry him, but know that you are off the bat damaging your children. They will have to sort through the confusion of realizing that mom didn't really like dad. d

[glows]

6 minutes ago, Sareenaa122 said:

Would he stay with someone like me after I’ve cheated on him for so long? I compartmentalise a lot.

What happens if he finds out?

Would anyone stay with someone knobs this had gone on? Let alone marry them…

This is more than likely your guilt speaking. 

Frankly the sensible thing would be to end the relationship, do therapy, freeze your eggs and come clean with yourself and all that buried pain instead of piling on layer after layer of distress and lies. 

Choosing to actively continue that which is self-destructive doesn’t mean this nightmare ends. You will continue to relive this fear and anxiety in a loop.

Edited December 19, 2021 by glows

[mark clemson]

If you really want kids with your husband, then I think the only sensible thing to do is end the affair fully and forever and focus on being a better, safer wife/partner and on raising your kids.

IF you tell your husband about it (or if he finds out on his own), there is a VERY wide spectrum of responses that range from essentially shrugging it off, through attempting to cope with the information and reconcile, through an instant and irrevocable decision to divorce, and all the way up to (in rare cases) abuse, violence and even murder.

10 years is a long time, so I doubt he's going to be emotionally "unharmed" by the news; he may feel like much of his life "has been a lie" and have difficulty coping with that.

I would say that IF you decide to tell your husband, you should consider doing it BEFORE having any kids so they wouldn't be impacted by some of the more negative possible reactions. Ending the affair and covering all your tracks VERY well is also a possibility to consider that might make sense.

Edited December 19, 2021 by mark clemson

[Sareenaa122]

34 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

If you really want kids with your husband, then I think the only sensible thing to do is end the affair fully and forever and focus on being a better, safer wife/partner and on raising your kids.

IF you tell your husband about it (or if he finds out on his own), there is a VERY wide spectrum of responses that range from essentially shrugging it off, through attempting to cope with the information and reconcile, through an instant and irrevocable decision to divorce, and all the way up to (in rare cases) abuse, violence and even murder.

10 years is a long time, so I doubt he's going to be emotionally "unharmed" by the news; he may feel like much of his life "has been a lie" and have difficulty coping with that.

I would say that IF you decide to tell your husband, you should consider doing it BEFORE having any kids so they wouldn't be impacted by some of the more negative possible reactions. Ending the affair and covering all your tracks VERY well is also a possibility to consider that might make sense.

I can’t tell him. He would be heartbroken and I fear he would leave me. I planned on leaving him for years but couldn’t.

I have covered my tracks. My AP came clean with his wife and friends and family and is now divorced and alone. Everyone important to him knows about our affair. And his family knows my partner.

I’m trying to move on and just focus on work and eventually planning a wedding and trying to have kids if I can and waiting for things to get better.