He's so inconsistent

[chicken_and_quaffles]

Back in September, I met this guy at a party. He’s the best friend of my friend’s boyfriend (I hope that makes sense lol). We hit it off and he asked me out. He came on pretty strong at first and the chemistry was pretty instant. We had some great dates! However, things have shifted a little and I think I need outside perspective. 

So it’s been almost two months exactly since our first date. Since then the most we see each other is once a week. Things have definitely slowed. As of today, I haven’t even seen him in two weeks. We still talk each day, but it’s pretty inconsistent. Sometimes it’ll be a handful of texts, and other times I’ll ask how his day was and get one answer and nothing again for 12 hours. I know he’s a busy person— he works two jobs and we have opposite schedules as he’s a bartender. But I have always felt like you make time for what you want to make time for. 

I finally asked him what we were doing and where it was going because I wanted to make sure we were on the same page about eventually moving towards a relationship. His answer was: 

“I enjoy spending time with you. I think we could have potential. I know it’s hard because we haven’t seen each other a lot but I do take our time together seriously. I do move slow because I’ve rushed into things before. But I like ya!”

Maybe I’m just a stickler for details but “could have potential” stuck out to me. Not that we DO have potential. And also I like ya just sounds almost patronizing. I probably wouldn’t feel this way if his actions matched his words. 

He did invite me to a friend’s Christmas party with him Friday night but I’m up in the air about going. I feel about ready to just call off the whole thing for someone who can be more consistent. I do think he likes me. I’m just not sure he actually does want a relationship. I’ve gotten a lot of mixed advice and perspective from friends, but want the thoughts of people who don’t know either of us. 

Edited December 15, 2021 by chicken_and_quaffles
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[Calmandfocused]

Totally understand your confusion. This is what’s happening IMO:

He’s managing your expectations by gently (and successfully) redefined the boundaries of your relationship. Trouble is you didn’t know anything about it .. you had no say. 
 

Ignore what he saying about “potential”. He’s tossing this out there to give you hope so you’ll merrily dance along to his tune.  

However what you’re actually doing by your compliance is giving him a clear message that you’re happy to go along with whatever he wants.
 

But are you really? is this “relationship” giving you what you want and need? 
 

If not you are going to have to clearly communicate that you do not accept the terms and conditions of his barely there relationship. If you can reach a compromise great, if you can’t then at least you know pretty quickly. 
 

Never settle for a situation that you don’t want simply to accommodate another person. That’s not how it works. Your job is to think about you first and foremost. 

[glows]

The interest may be there but his lifestyle or work schedule doesn’t leave room for dating someone consistently.

Turn within and ask yourself if what he brings into your life is something that you enjoy.

That you’re offended and feel patronized by him at all speaks volumes. There’s distrust there and resentment. Look at him also overall as a person. He may have good looks, have a good heart but his life is in disarray or he’s just not at that point where he’s ready to let anyone in. If you’re not feeling valued or getting as much as out of it as you’re putting in, then move on. Trust your instincts.

 

 

[Blind-Sided]

35 minutes ago, chicken_and_quaffles said:

1) he works two jobs and we have opposite schedules as he’s a bartender.

1a) But I have always felt like you make time for what you want to make time for. 

2) “I enjoy spending time with you. I think we could have potential. I know it’s hard because we haven’t seen each other a lot but I do take our time together seriously. I do move slow because I’ve rushed into things before. But I like ya!”

3) Maybe I’m just a stickler for details but “could have potential” stuck out to me.

4) He did invite me to a friend’s Christmas party with him Friday night but I’m up in the air about going. I feel about ready to just call off the whole thing for someone who can be more consistent. 

Obviously... it's all up to you. But to me... it sounds like you need to be more realistic, and you need to slow down.  Let me reflect by the numbers....

1 and 1a) He works 2 jobs!!  That takes a lot out of a person, so he will need some down time to rest, and not have to entertain someone.  Not to mention... he has to do laundry, clean things, and get groceries.  Sure... if you are just starting to see someone you like... "You make time" to build that relationship.  But that means putting hobbies, and maybe other friends aside.  You can't put "Life" aside.  Well.... not for long anyway. 

2) This quote from you makes it sound like he's being very realistic.  He's an adult with a life, and he's not going to lie to you by just saying "I love you" or "I want to spend my life with you" when he is just getting to know you.  I know you are seeing it from the side of wanting a solid answer... but after 2 months, and a hand full of dates... he can't say that and be honest.   AND... from the guy's side... if I had a girl that was trying to push for that, after only a couple months... I would label her as needy, and probably break it off. 

3) You are looking for more than what is really there.  You need to slow down.  It takes a year to really get to know someone.  Heck... after 2 months... I wouldn't even expect someone to be exclusive yet. 

4) Here again... this is obviously your choice... but he did make time for you, and wants YOU to go to a party with him, where you will be seen by his friends.  TO me... that's a start. But, if you feel like throwing it away because he's not infatuated with you... and lives is life only for you after a couple months... then that's what you need to do. 

With all that said... I really think you need to take a step back and realize he probably does like you, and that he is just being an adult, and being realistic, and being honest. Isn't that a set of qualities you want in someone? 

I wish you happyness in moving forward. 

[chicken_and_quaffles]

10 minutes ago, Blind-Sided said:

Obviously... it's all up to you. But to me... it sounds like you need to be more realistic, and you need to slow down.  Let me reflect by the numbers....

1 and 1a) He works 2 jobs!!  That takes a lot out of a person, so he will need some down time to rest, and not have to entertain someone.  Not to mention... he has to do laundry, clean things, and get groceries.  Sure... if you are just starting to see someone you like... "You make time" to build that relationship.  But that means putting hobbies, and maybe other friends aside.  You can't put "Life" aside.  Well.... not for long anyway. 

2) This quote from you makes it sound like he's being very realistic.  He's an adult with a life, and he's not going to lie to you by just saying "I love you" or "I want to spend my life with you" when he is just getting to know you.  I know you are seeing it from the side of wanting a solid answer... but after 2 months, and a hand full of dates... he can't say that and be honest.   AND... from the guy's side... if I had a girl that was trying to push for that, after only a couple months... I would label her as needy, and probably break it off. 

3) You are looking for more than what is really there.  You need to slow down.  It takes a year to really get to know someone.  Heck... after 2 months... I wouldn't even expect someone to be exclusive yet. 

4) Here again... this is obviously your choice... but he did make time for you, and wants YOU to go to a party with him, where you will be seen by his friends.  TO me... that's a start. But, if you feel like throwing it away because he's not infatuated with you... and lives is life only for you after a couple months... then that's what you need to do. 

With all that said... I really think you need to take a step back and realize he probably does like you, and that he is just being an adult, and being realistic, and being honest. Isn't that a set of qualities you want in someone? 

I wish you happyness in moving forward. 

 

1. Yes but I also work 40 hours a week and am in grad school and still make time to see my friends, family, do my hobbies, grocery shop etc. I'm not asking him to entertain me. I'm asking to maybe have dinner one night a week. I don't think my expectations are too high to expect to see the person I'm dating one evening a week. How are you supposed to get to know someone otherwise? Dedicating one night a week doesn't really seem like a lot to ask. 

2. I know I'm here to ask opinions, but again I don't see how I'm being needy. I'm asking to have my needs met, yes. But I'm not demanding we talk on the phone every single day, or he spend all his weekends with me, etc. I'm literally asking for the bare minimum lol. I'm not asking him to marry me lol. By asking him where this was headed, I was saying 'hey are we moving towards the same thing' because if we aren't, I don't want to waste either of our time." I don't want to waste time with someone who doesn't want a relationship. I'm fine moving slow, but I do want to know I'm moving towards something. Two months isn't nothing...that's two months of my life and my time I'm devoting to someone. 

3. I don't know how this could go more slowly, If we slowed down anymore, we'd be seeing each other once a month and checking in once a week. I do not badger him to see each other more. I don't demand more of his time. But I don't think it's wrong to feel frustrated that I'm not getting any consistency from him.  

I guess what would you expect after seeing someone for two months? I'm honestly asking and not being combative...do you really think expecting seeing each other once a week is being needy?? Because if so, maybe I'm misunderstanding what it means to date. 

[chicken_and_quaffles]

41 minutes ago, glows said:

The interest may be there but his lifestyle or work schedule doesn’t leave room for dating someone consistently.

Turn within and ask yourself if what he brings into your life is something that you enjoy.

That you’re offended and feel patronized by him at all speaks volumes. There’s distrust there and resentment. Look at him also overall as a person. He may have good looks, have a good heart but his life is in disarray or he’s just not at that point where he’s ready to let anyone in. If you’re not feeling valued or getting as much as out of it as you’re putting in, then move on. Trust your instincts.

 

 

I think this is what it is...the interest is there, but his life really isn't in a place for more. 

I guess I am feeling a little unvalued. I guess I would expect more interest from someone I've been seeing for two months. I really don't need much. I just would like to see each other maybe once a week. I feel like it's been really hard to get to know each other, considering we haven't been able to regularly spend that much time together. 

I think I do need to communicate my needs better, though. 

To quote a good friend of mine "having needs isn't needy!"

[chicken_and_quaffles]

50 minutes ago, Calmandfocused said:

Totally understand your confusion. This is what’s happening IMO:

He’s managing your expectations by gently (and successfully) redefined the boundaries of your relationship. Trouble is you didn’t know anything about it .. you had no say. 
 

Ignore what he saying about “potential”. He’s tossing this out there to give you hope so you’ll merrily dance along to his tune.  

However what you’re actually doing by your compliance is giving him a clear message that you’re happy to go along with whatever he wants.
 

But are you really? is this “relationship” giving you what you want and need? 
 

If not you are going to have to clearly communicate that you do not accept the terms and conditions of his barely there relationship. If you can reach a compromise great, if you can’t then at least you know pretty quickly. 
 

Never settle for a situation that you don’t want simply to accommodate another person. That’s not how it works. Your job is to think about you first and foremost. 

This is very insightful, so thank you! Barely there relationship seems like a good way to describe it. I think I'm going to definitely talk to him and let him know this is how I'm feeling and see if we can either come to a compromise or maybe just need to move on.