Best guy friend suddenly ended our friendship

[LostHeart17]

Hi everyone,

I created an account to have someone to talk to about this. I’ll try to keep it short.

 
I’ve been divorced for a year and a half. A few months ago, I began sleeping with my best friend, friends with benefits thing. I ended up getting a little attached to him, he knows-we talked about it. Despite the feelings, I don’t want to be in a “relationship” and he agreed with me. 
We wouldn’t only have sex, we hung out together, went out for dinner, even something as simple as going to the store together. He knows everything about me. He’s the one I go to when something happens, good or bad. It was fine until last week when he called me and said he has been dating (and sleeping with) someone. It turns out this someone is a friend of his that he told me twice “wasn’t his type.”  He even admitted to waiting to tell me in case things weren’t going to work out with her. So basically, whether he should keep me around or not. He called himself a bad friend for not telling me sooner. I get that we’re just friends and he is allowed to get a girlfriend (though bc of the feelings, I was a little jealous 😊) but I couldn’t believe he waited so long to tell me. He claims that we didn’t sexually overlap. 
 

I cried when I heard this and we haven’t spoken since. I can’t believe I lost my best friend. I’m doing a pretty good job of moving on, but part of me still misses him (and can’t stop thinking about them being intimate!) I just wanted some advice from people about how to fully move on, stop the visions I keep having of them. Like I saw a bra that was bigger than my size and I thought “so and so’s boobs are probably that big.” I’m just torturing myself. Help! Thank you for reading if you got all the way through that, I tremendously appreciate it. 

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear that. Unfortunately nebulous arrangements like FWB, often end with one person having a heartache.

Give yourself a break. You were post-divorce and it seemed like a good idea at the time.

Let the dust settle, don't beat yourself up and take a deep breath.

What you can do after this type of wobble, is get a good profile and pics on quality paid dating apps and start talking to and meeting men.

This time you'll know to be clear and more precise in what you ultimately want.

[ExpatInItaly]

This was not likely to end well, no matter how you sliced it. 

Having sex with your best friend was bound to forever change the goalposts. The dynamic would never quite be the same. Either you would wind up dating each other, nor one of you would move on. It was a significant risk to take, but you both took it. And unfortunately, you are the one who got burned. 

I think only time and distance is going to help. You'll need time to adjust to the idea that he's with someone else and won't be your best friend anymore. It will get easier, as you re-adjust to being on your own. Maybe taking the time to be single will be just what you need to embark on the next phase of your life. 

[stillafool]

Yeah it's never a good idea to have sex with a close friend.  You end up losing the friend which tends to be more valuable than a relationship.

[LostHeart17]

3 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Yeah it's never a good idea to have sex with a close friend.  You end up losing the friend which tends to be more valuable than a relationship.

I even wrote in my journal that this feels worse than a breakup. This hurts! All three of you are right though, this was just not a good idea. Thank you for all of your replies!

[salparadise]

Just out of curiosity, how did this friendship turn into FWB? Whose idea was it, or who initiated the physical part? Did the two of you discuss it or did it just happen spontaneously? Did neither of you realize it would be the end of the valuable friendship as you had known it?

The only way opposite sex friendships can endure if if both have strong boundaries. And even if that's the case, it's not at all unusual for one or the other to catch feelings, which fundamentally changes the relationship (friendship is also a relationship). It only works if there is no sexual attraction on either side, or if it's very slight and stays entirely behind the boundary. Obviously this was not the case with the two of you, so it seems to me that the outcome was inevitable, even if you had not started having sex.

[LostHeart17]

He was the one who brought it up and I guess my hormones decided it was a good idea. I just never saw the end of our friendship coming. I’m not sure how now.  I’m very impulsive so if something sounds ok, I’m in. I thought “How would we ever not be friends anymore?” I have to learn to quit doing that bc now I don’t have him at all. He probably just wanted sex and didn’t care if our friendship ended, although he would claim he wouldn’t know what he would do without me. Probably all lies 😔 You know what they say about hindsight....

what you say about opposite sex friendships is totally true. I do have a male friend who really is just a friend, no attraction on either end and it’s working out great. Thank you for your input!

[spiderowl]

I am sorry to hear what happened, OP.  Regardless of the arrangement with your FWB and friend, in your heart this will feel like a true break-up and you will go through the same feelings.

I am not surprised you feel betrayed if you felt he was hanging onto you until he was sure of her.  I think now is the time to make yourself scarce and pull the rug out from under his feet - do not text or message him or respond to any messaging.  He will probably be expecting you to be around in the background waiting for him.  It is important not to let that happen.  This guy will not appreciate your true value until he has experienced losing you.

Yes, the other girl might be "the one" - who knows?  But you are also special and need to realise that.  Deprive him of your company and time.  This will help you to come to terms with things and will also force him to realise what he has lost. If you weaken and message him or respond, he will lose respect and feel he has you on a string.  You don't need that.

I do not know what the final outcome will be but the best way forward for you is to assume he has gone from your life, grieve and then build yourself up.  Whatever happens thereafter, you will have protected yourself and built something new for yourself.

You are far more than this guy realises and he won't respect you unless you do draw a complete line.  Respect comes first, then attraction, attachment and love.  The same applies to any other future relationship.  Avoid fuzzy relationships unless you really don't care how they go.  If you do care and feel you are starting to get attached, mention your basic requirements for a relationship and then see if they decide to stay or go.  Anyone who goes was not meant to be with you in the first place.  People in general know when someone values themselves and is prepared to give up on them if necessary.

 

 

[LostHeart17]

This kind of long, sorry

I met my best guy friend earlier this year. I had a crush on him since I met him, I told him. He made it clear that he just wants us to be friends. I was ok with that. We did everything together. We spent a lot of time together doing things, going places and we have a ton of inside jokes. 
 

This was probably a bad idea, but we were also sleeping together on and off throughout our friendship. Anyway, also throughout our friendship, he would tell me that I should join dating sites or date a guy from work (work is where we met.)

He made a dating profile on a site, so I knew he really had no feelings for me. A couple of weeks ago, I ended up making a dating profile. I told him and he said it was great and I’d have a boyfriend in no time. A couple of days later, I told him that I had a date and he said that was awesome. However, he didn’t really talk to me the next few days and I asked him about it. He said he was taking some time for himself and it was good for me too bc I could get to know my matches on the dating site. I told him to text me when he was ready. He said, “I’m going to be focusing on myself going forward. Thank you for everything. Take care.”

what the heck happened?? I would say jealousy, but he never showed interest in dating me. Thank you for reading

[basil67]

Broadly speaking, nobody that either of you dates in future will want the ex FWB hanging around, so moving on is wise.    

[LostHeart17]

32 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Broadly speaking, nobody that either of you dates in future will want the ex FWB hanging around, so moving on is wise.    

That is true! 

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, LostHeart17 said:

He said, “I’m going to be focusing on myself going forward. Thank you for everything. Take care

Excellent. Good you got a good profile and pics on some dating apps.

You need to let go of this nebulous FWB security blanket in order to move on.

Delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps. Clear out dead weight.

Start fresh in the new year. Get rid of postdivorce reminders like this.

[Jonttu]

On 12/14/2021 at 4:52 AM, basil67 said:

Broadly speaking, nobody that either of you dates in future will want the ex FWB hanging around, so moving on is wise.    

Wise words!

Based upon what I was taught and what I had experienced in the past, you should never hang around if a friend of the opposite gender starts to date.

If I have a male friend, he knows what the deal is. The second he starts to date, I disappear out of respect for their relationship, for his female partner, no matter what the guy says or claims. I am out. Period.

It is about safeguarding their relationship and loving both of them.

Once I was professional and non-personal with a married man. We talked on the phone, he called daily, and he said his wife knows and understands. Then one morning he calls about having some romantical feelings for me, I explained to him that it is all platonical, he is like a brother to me, nothing more, and end the relationship right there and then.

After that I called his wife, innocently asking if she is bothered by our friendship. She said 'yes' and I replied that out of respect for her wishes the friendship is now over. Without mentioning what her husband had told me.

I went NC after that. They used to be friends, both of them. But it went too far with the husband, I didn't even see it coming and wanted to give her the 'power' to end it. I wish both of them the best life has to offer. It was years ago and I have not seen or heard from them.

If a female friend starts to date and brings her new love over to meet me, then I only talk to her and make sure there is ZERO eye contact with the guy. When both are present I tell the same every time: "He is always welcomed with his girlfriend, but not alone. I will not open the door if he stands there alone. Period."

That is my way of setting the boundaries while she is present. Because many of them have tried to visit me on their own. It is also my way of showing how much I appreciate and respect my female friend. I am not a danger to her, I want her to be happy and without a worry in the world.

Even more dangerous if these 'friends' have had sex. That is a huge NO-NO to be around one of them dating.

Sorry if I come on as too strongly opiniated, life has taught me these lessons.

- Never date a guy your sister or friend has dated in the past.

- Never interfere in anyone's relationship.

- Never start dating a married or committed man. The relationship has to be respected to the last. It is sacred.

- Never date a guy your sister or friend has the hots for.

I wish friends of the opposite gender would think twice before continuing their relationship with a committed friend.  It is a recipe for disaster. Real friends are constructive, false friends are destructive. Please make sure that the new love never has to be suspicious or jealous of the partner's friends of the opposite gender.

Guys who are in love do not often see the need to break up with female friends, especially close female friends. That is why the female friends have to take charge and remove themself from his new life. Guys are often completely unaware of how a 'female friend' is sabotaging his romantical relationship. She will start to whisper in his ear about how bad his girlfriend/wife is, make up stories about how she has been disrespected by her, how he has to defend and protect her... in short blow up the relationship and make the male friend defend her. That is when the relationship is over. Either he dumps his gf/wife or she dumps him, in which case the guy can't understand what happened.

Give each other the space and peace to build separate romantical relationships. Friends don't have to be in contact, not even for decades. Sacrifice your happiness for your friend's relationship, for the happiness of them. That is what friends are for.

[glows]

How are you doing after the friendship ended last year? Are you still in contact with him?

Based on your December 13 2021 post he is politely letting you go to find your happiness.