Post First Date Confusion

[Emmylou_H]

Yesterday I went on a first date with a guy I had been chatting with for about a week. I met him on a dating site and right away I could tell he was my type just by our conversations. Physically, I thought he doesn’t look like my type but he looked appealing to me nonetheless. So when I started getting feelings for him I was a little taken off guard. Most men I have went on dates with or talked with over the app haven’t really done it for me. So the date we had went really well. Before we went separate ways he asked if I wanted to make out with him. I really wasn’t expecting that and I felt chemistry there when we kissed. So now I’m just confused because he seemed to leave kind of abruptly and was like “I’m going to go now” and he said “I’ll talk to you” or something like that. He seemed to enjoy making out but also I’m upset because he hasn’t reached out to me-not that night and not today, either. I’m starting to feel like he doesn’t want to pursue things and I’m actually pretty sad about it. I’m not sure what to do.

[jdesey]

for the love of God.... reach out to him!  that is allowed.  Let him know you are interested. 

[Emmylou_H]

I should add that I have been rejected a lot in the past and I have a lot of hang ups about rejection. So I already feel like he is rejecting me so that’s what I have come to expect. Plus, he said he would reach out to me so I don’t want to push it. And I already told him I like him when we made out so he should know I’m interested. 

[chillii]

Ahhh , well for a start ummm, so it's only been what , 1 day , and maybe not even 24hrs yet . holy patience batwoman.

But he says wanna make out , how old is he , 10 , who says that is that for real. Anyway , getting the not so interested vibe here but eh , give it a day or two.

[Speedy79]

Please don't take this as being snarky because it's not the case, but people have their lives, too.  Maybe he doesn't want to appear overzealous...the same night?  At the same time maybe he was really busy the next day.  Maybe he doesn't want to rush things.  Maybe it's all of the above. 

Just call or text him! 

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, Emmylou_H said:

. So the date we had went really well. he asked if I wanted to make out with him. he seemed to leave kind of abruptly and was like “I’m going to go now” and he said “I’ll talk to you” or something like that. 

Relax. The date went well. He doesn't have to send a flurry of texts. However if you had a good time, it's ok to text that to him.

However if you think he's rude or abrupt, reconsider...if he asks you out again.

Keep in mind, one and done first meetings are unfortunately more common than not. If you don't hear anything in a couple of days just move forward. 

Also keep in mind that you're both still talking to and meeting others, anything can happen.

 

[stillafool]

10 hours ago, Emmylou_H said:

I should add that I have been rejected a lot in the past and I have a lot of hang ups about rejection.

He's probably been rejected more than you.  Most men have been rejected more than women.

[glows]

12 hours ago, Emmylou_H said:

Yesterday I went on a first date with a guy I had been chatting with for about a week. I met him on a dating site and right away I could tell he was my type just by our conversations. Physically, I thought he doesn’t look like my type but he looked appealing to me nonetheless. So when I started getting feelings for him I was a little taken off guard. Most men I have went on dates with or talked with over the app haven’t really done it for me. So the date we had went really well. Before we went separate ways he asked if I wanted to make out with him. I really wasn’t expecting that and I felt chemistry there when we kissed. So now I’m just confused because he seemed to leave kind of abruptly and was like “I’m going to go now” and he said “I’ll talk to you” or something like that. He seemed to enjoy making out but also I’m upset because he hasn’t reached out to me-not that night and not today, either. I’m starting to feel like he doesn’t want to pursue things and I’m actually pretty sad about it. I’m not sure what to do.

I am a bit unsettled that you seemed to get so attached via conversations only before having met him first in that week prior to meeting for the first time. Take that down a little and slow your roll. 

He seems to lack finesse. If you don’t like that or it confuses you, put aside the “type” or any preconceived assumptions you seem to have built up around him. He’s not your guy. 

Did you feel comfortable at all with his suggestion to make out like that?

[Emmylou_H]

@glows I tend to be really selective with guys so once I start getting feelings for a guy I do tend to fall hard. I’m not sure why that happens to me but it’s something I’m working on in therapy. I’m just frustrated because it seems like the only guys I like end up not liking me in return. As far as the part about feeling comfortable making out. I really wanted to and it felt good in the moment but I felt empty right after he left. So in the moment I guess I just said yes impulsively without thinking about protecting my feelings.

[glows]

16 minutes ago, Emmylou_H said:

@glows I tend to be really selective with guys so once I start getting feelings for a guy I do tend to fall hard. I’m not sure why that happens to me but it’s something I’m working on in therapy. I’m just frustrated because it seems like the only guys I like end up not liking me in return. As far as the part about feeling comfortable making out. I really wanted to and it felt good in the moment but I felt empty right after he left. So in the moment I guess I just said yes impulsively without thinking about protecting my feelings.

Ok take your own sweet time next time and no need to rush. If you like him then reach out. Otherwise, don't. Try not to complicate this too much. Is there anything about this that tells you you'd like to see him again? Leave the preconceived thoughts behind. He may not be that great. Think about what he is or how he treated you on the date and go from there.

[Emmylou_H]

@glows yes I would like to see him again and I didn’t really notice any red flags when we hung out. He seemed respectful and all only maybe he was slightly apprehensive but maybe that’s a false perception on my behalf because he did ask to make out. So overall there is nothing telling me I shouldn’t reach out except for my ever-present fear of rejection. I did just message him thanking him for coming up with the idea of where to go and that I enjoyed the conversation and I asked him how his weekend went. I figure I have nothing to lose. I really do need to take my time going forward. I am a bit rusty with dating after coming out of a 8 year-long relationship about 9 months ago. Maybe I’m not mentally ready to date.  

[Kamille]

Did you write to him to thank him for the date? In my experience, men respond really well to this, as it shows that you're interested, easy-going and confident. It also puts the ball in their court ;-). It's not too late to reach out if you haven't. What I would do is bring up something that he talked about on the date and take advantage to thank him for the date. 

 

About rejection: my love life improved once I resolved my issues around it. Rejection doesn't mean you are unworthy or unlovable. It usually means the person on the other end knows something about themselves that you don't. For instance, I was once rejected by a man who later told me he was then struggling with a severe undiagnosed mental health disorder. Learn to be more comfortable with rejection and to accept that it is very rarely about you. 

[glows]

50 minutes ago, Emmylou_H said:

@glows yes I would like to see him again and I didn’t really notice any red flags when we hung out. He seemed respectful and all only maybe he was slightly apprehensive but maybe that’s a false perception on my behalf because he did ask to make out. So overall there is nothing telling me I shouldn’t reach out except for my ever-present fear of rejection. I did just message him thanking him for coming up with the idea of where to go and that I enjoyed the conversation and I asked him how his weekend went. I figure I have nothing to lose. I really do need to take my time going forward. I am a bit rusty with dating after coming out of a 8 year-long relationship about 9 months ago. Maybe I’m not mentally ready to date.  

Wonderful! See how it goes then. I'm glad you thanked him and are engaging in some conversation. Put away those negative thoughts if you like his company. Go one step at a time, one date at a time and let him show you who he is as a person. 

[Ami1uwant]

15 hours ago, Emmylou_H said:

I should add that I have been rejected a lot in the past and I have a lot of hang ups about rejection. So I already feel like he is rejecting me so that’s what I have come to expect. Plus, he said he would reach out to me so I don’t want to push it. And I already told him I like him when we made out so he should know I’m interested. 

When he asked that make out question…how did he say it and what was your reaction?

some rules i have

 

1. never assume you are only one they are dating

2. even if the date went well they have you on sone rank/ score list. These might not match. Thry May be various reasons suck as looks/ attraction or things said don’tmatch to what they are looking for.

 

I have my share of dates yo thought went well then nothing.

 

[Emmylou_H]

Well he said he didn’t feel romantically interested in me so there’s that. I should always follow my intuition.

[Kamille]

11 minutes ago, Emmylou_H said:

Well he said he didn’t feel romantically interested in me so there’s that. I should always follow my intuition.

Or, now you have your answer and can stop wondering. Congrats. This is information you needed. 

Again, do not take this personally. He clearly found you attractive, else he wouldn't have kissed you. Him not wanting something romantic with you is about his preferences, not about you. There's a man out there who will feel romantically interested in you. 

Dust yourself off and onwards!

Edited December 13, 2021 by Kamille

[Wiseman2]

10 minutes ago, Emmylou_H said:

Well he said he didn’t feel romantically interested in me so there’s that. I should always follow my intuition.

Yes trust your instincts. If things got uncomfortable for whatever reason, you're just not a match. Just start talking to and meeting others.

[glows]

14 minutes ago, Emmylou_H said:

Well he said he didn’t feel romantically interested in me so there’s that. I should always follow my intuition.

Nevermind him then. Onwards!

[Lotsgoingon]

You got your answer and I will point out that you SURVIVED! You mentioned some fear of rejection ... don't mean to be dismissive, but almost everyone has fear of rejection ... But her you have survived. And you say your intuition picked up something was off? ....

To back up, your attachment to people too soon is probably leading to feeling such pain over someone's lack of interest. You gotta fix that. You want to get attacked ... after a month ... you have to remind yourself that you do NOT know the person based on one day ... and it doesn't matter if you did ten hours of texting.