jdesey Posted December 11, 2021 Posted December 11, 2021 I would really like to here from women on this. for reference I am 55 years old and trying to date within 5 years of my age. I signed back on to match.com 3 weeks ago. I have been on Match before and was having no success on the free sites. I have had 4 women in a row who have stopped short of meeting. They will all message on the app, but 3 of them would not even get on the phone for a nice intro talk. One of them I had a long conversation with on the phone and then she went dark. One right now is very talkative on message app, but will not get on phone or agree to talk. Women.... what is going on and how what should I do. What really confuses me is why they express interest but will not take it any further. Why not just ignore me? If they are just looking for attention and do not want to meet,,, why be on a paid site? I am so frustrated and so confused!
Wiseman2 Posted December 11, 2021 Posted December 11, 2021 (edited) 11 minutes ago, jdesey said: I signed back on to match.com 3 weeks ago. Are you initiating the messages? Your profile is getting interest so that's good. Are you bringing up within 3 or so messages that you wish to meet for coffee/driks? Stalling meeting and lateral steps like calling are red flags these days. They may assume you're a timewaster or married . Unfortunately that's how goes now. Also there is a lot of hit and miss on dating apps where people flake at numerous points in time. Sadly, again, par for the course. Edited December 11, 2021 by Wiseman2 3
Author jdesey Posted December 11, 2021 Author Posted December 11, 2021 I never used to ask for a phone call until women started to ask for it before we meet. I am waiting 3 or so messages exchanged to ask for a casual meetup, a drink or coffee and not an official dinner date. And okay, you are right, at least my profile and initial message is getting some interest and exchange. I keep saying to myself "when the right one appears she is going to make it easy" that is exactly what happened with my last LTR which we were engaged and together for 2.5 years. 3 1
glows Posted December 11, 2021 Posted December 11, 2021 I tried online dating earlier this year. I didn’t stall meeting. I went on a few dates but they didn’t work out. There was only one person I’d have been interested seeing more of but didn’t think it would lead to anything substantial (not compatible overall) so decided to let it go. Take a break if it’s causing you to be jaded and impatient. If she won’t meet with you within a few days of introducing yourselves it’s a waste of time. Don’t be discouraged. 1
Calmandfocused Posted December 11, 2021 Posted December 11, 2021 Op I feel your pain. I’m a woman in my early 40s whose was until recently on OLD. I found the same results as yourself. Lots of matches, lots of messages, very few guys actually willing to date or even talk on the phone. Lots of “pen pal” seekers. When I did get a date, the majority looked nothing like their pics. Out of about 15 dates I only liked 2. Neither was interested in pursuing a relationship for the simple fact they’d just gotten out of one. I threw in the towel about 8 weeks ago. Like you I was frustrated… and bored. I’m taking a break. You should do the same. The key is to not take it personally. Unfortunately many people on dating sites do not want to date. Odd I know but very true. They have their reasons why they are on there, which you should not concern yourself with. Unfortunately OLD is a numbers game. If a woman is wasting your time, simply move on. Remember that you only need to find one woman out of a sea of unsuitable women. But that takes time, patience and perseverance. If you’re not there take a break. There really is no rush. 1
Author jdesey Posted December 12, 2021 Author Posted December 12, 2021 41 minutes ago, Calmandfocused said: Op I feel your pain. I’m a woman in my early 40s whose was until recently on OLD. I found the same results as yourself. Lots of matches, lots of messages, very few guys actually willing to date or even talk on the phone. Lots of “pen pal” seekers. When I did get a date, the majority looked nothing like their pics. Out of about 15 dates I only liked 2. Neither was interested in pursuing a relationship for the simple fact they’d just gotten out of one. I threw in the towel about 8 weeks ago. Like you I was frustrated… and bored. I’m taking a break. You should do the same. The key is to not take it personally. Unfortunately many people on dating sites do not want to date. Odd I know but very true. They have their reasons why they are on there, which you should not concern yourself with. Unfortunately OLD is a numbers game. If a woman is wasting your time, simply move on. Remember that you only need to find one woman out of a sea of unsuitable women. But that takes time, patience and perseverance. If you’re not there take a break. There really is no rush. Yes I get all that. But to sign up for a paid dating site and not be interested in meeting anybody. That’s like paying for a gym membership with no intention of going to work out. And yup people do that and gyms make a fortune off of them.
Weezy1973 Posted December 12, 2021 Posted December 12, 2021 Don't take it personally. Keep multiple options open. Just because you've started messaging with one woman, doesn't mean you should be just focusing on her. Keep sending out messages to other women that pique your interest. It is a numbers game until that one that "makes it easy" comes along. Don't get invested. None of this flakey stuff really matters as it's just a means to an end. However, getting frustrated / angry with it will impact your attitude in general and may end up killing your chances. So just shrug it off. Not a big deal at all. 1
Author jdesey Posted December 12, 2021 Author Posted December 12, 2021 4 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said: Don't take it personally. Keep multiple options open. Just because you've started messaging with one woman, doesn't mean you should be just focusing on her. Keep sending out messages to other women that pique your interest. It is a numbers game until that one that "makes it easy" comes along. Don't get invested. None of this flakey stuff really matters as it's just a means to an end. However, getting frustrated / angry with it will impact your attitude in general and may end up killing your chances. So just shrug it off. Not a big deal at all. Yes I agree. When the right one comes along she will make it easy for me. That’s what happened with my ex fiancé even though it didn’t work out she made it so easy right off the bat
Ami1uwant Posted December 12, 2021 Posted December 12, 2021 8 hours ago, jdesey said: I would really like to here from women on this. for reference I am 55 years old and trying to date within 5 years of my age. I signed back on to match.com 3 weeks ago. I have been on Match before and was having no success on the free sites. I have had 4 women in a row who have stopped short of meeting. They will all message on the app, but 3 of them would not even get on the phone for a nice intro talk. One of them I had a long conversation with on the phone and then she went dark. One right now is very talkative on message app, but will not get on phone or agree to talk. Women.... what is going on and how what should I do. What really confuses me is why they express interest but will not take it any further. Why not just ignore me? If they are just looking for attention and do not want to meet,,, why be on a paid site? I am so frustrated and so confused! ifthey just got out of a marriage and haven’t dated in 20+ years using online dating is foreign to them. They will be very hesitant in meeting. They also can veto erwhelmed in men courting them thst it can hinder their decision making so they can freeze
chillii Posted December 12, 2021 Posted December 12, 2021 (edited) With my very brief online stint way back when, l didn't contact many women. l was very very particular and not wasting my time and so anyone l did contact were much of the same realm. So most replied and we either continued and maybe decided to meet or we decided not too bother. There were 1 or two however that did fade away , but l wasn't feeling it either after a few emails and l'd say there in lays the issue. Paid site , they probably are mostly serious but just weren't feeling it. lt's a waste of time meeting someone if your not even feeling things through a little bit of emailing or ph calls, and l'd say any that were seriously looking , just weren't feeling it with you. lf they were they'd have met you. Edited December 12, 2021 by chillii
Calmandfocused Posted December 12, 2021 Posted December 12, 2021 10 hours ago, jdesey said: Yes I get all that. But to sign up for a paid dating site and not be interested in meeting anybody. That’s like paying for a gym membership with no intention of going to work out. And yup people do that and gyms make a fortune off of them. You’re right, Yes, but many people do sign up for a gym membership then they don’t bother going. They lose all motivation and and their hard earned money goes down the drain. Not unusual at all. The same happens with OLD, including the paid sites.
smackie9 Posted December 12, 2021 Posted December 12, 2021 Women are emotional creatures. You need to talk about the right things, in a certain way to trigger those emotions just to get your foot in the door. Playfulness, flirty, quick wit, push and pull. 3
glows Posted December 12, 2021 Posted December 12, 2021 15 hours ago, Weezy1973 said: None of this flakey stuff really matters as it's just a means to an end. However, getting frustrated / angry with it will impact your attitude in general and may end up killing your chances. So just shrug it off. Not a big deal at all. I couldn’t agree more. Also, why not join local groups with shared interests or go to events that interest you? Balance things out a little instead of placing so much emphasis on dating online. Did you just begin dating? Slow your roll. Don’t get too impatient so quickly or overinvest.
CLS63AMG Posted December 12, 2021 Posted December 12, 2021 He isn't doing anything wrong, since the V came around a lot of bored people are using dating apps as chat rooms, actually meeting is a total afterthought. OP state in your bio that you are there to actually meet and not text for weeks on end, you'll find women in the same predicament.
Wiseman2 Posted December 12, 2021 Posted December 12, 2021 3 minutes ago, CLS63AMG said: He isn't doing anything wrong, since the V came around a lot of bored people are using dating apps as chat rooms, actually meeting is a total afterthought. Are you saying dating apps are the new pandemic babysitter/penpal sites?
dramafreezone Posted December 12, 2021 Posted December 12, 2021 23 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: They may assume you're a timewaster or married . Unfortunately that's how goes now. Well that's ironic. They're the ones wasting time if they want to just be pen-pals instead of moving this to in-person dating.
CLS63AMG Posted December 12, 2021 Posted December 12, 2021 3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: Are you saying dating apps are the new pandemic babysitter/penpal sites? For me it was worse last summer/fall but now every other womans bio says "I am here to meet, not text forever, I dont want a pan pal, if you dont want to meet dont message me" so its a very widespread issue. Actually just within the hour I asked a girl to meet when she has free time after messaging each other all morning - no reply. SHOCKED!
Author jdesey Posted December 12, 2021 Author Posted December 12, 2021 4 minutes ago, CLS63AMG said: For me it was worse last summer/fall but now every other womans bio says "I am here to meet, not text forever, I dont want a pan pal, if you dont want to meet dont message me" so its a very widespread issue. Actually just within the hour I asked a girl to meet when she has free time after messaging each other all morning - no reply. SHOCKED! Nope not shocked either. While I understand the issue I have o solution. I just keep telling myself when the right one comes along she will make it easy. It is very discouraging though. When I started online dating 14 years ago I had huge success meeting in person.
CLS63AMG Posted December 12, 2021 Posted December 12, 2021 3 hours ago, Weezy1973 said: Men, on average, are perfectly content to have casual sex (although most want to be in a relationship as well) and women, on average, are looking for a relationship (although many are open to casual sex if the right situation occurs). This is why women are pickier than men. Women either consciously or subconsciously, regardless of age or desire for having a family, are looking for a man to help her raise children. And they also want a man they're attracted to. For some women (not most obviously as most women are either married or in a relationship), this can be difficult. But a disproportionate number of single women will indeed be searching for a unicorn. And unicorns of course, don't exist... Men need to approach a one nighter the same way they would approach her for potential marriage in the online world because lets face it, that's how most online "relationships" go. One nighter, 2-3 monther, LTR. LTR being the rarest.
Wiseman2 Posted December 12, 2021 Posted December 12, 2021 Perhaps it would help to look at the odds. For example say on Match, every 20 will chitchat but only one or two will meet. Then it's not so personal, just the nature of the beast.
CLS63AMG Posted December 12, 2021 Posted December 12, 2021 4 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Perhaps it would help to look at the odds. For example say on Match, every 20 will chitchat but only one or two will meet. Then it's not so personal, just the nature of the beast. Ive done match, you'll meet if you are in regular contact. When the messaging fades out, no meet. This issue is you're actively messaging someone and they wont meet for whatever reason and it all started when the lock downs did. People need human engagement
glows Posted December 12, 2021 Posted December 12, 2021 Have you tried suggesting a video call instead? Lessen the messaging and overinvesting in texts “all morning”. Suggest a call and go from there.
chillii Posted December 12, 2021 Posted December 12, 2021 Regardless of Covid , or some just fishing around and not serious , or whatever , you obviously just haven't met anyone where there's even been anything actually there yet anyway , or something with that one would've gone further.
CLS63AMG Posted December 12, 2021 Posted December 12, 2021 9 minutes ago, glows said: Have you tried suggesting a video call instead? Lessen the messaging and overinvesting in texts “all morning”. Suggest a call and go from there. I prefer to warm her up with as few texts as possible and then meet, calls are a waste of time, everything is until you meet TBH, but you need to get her going. 4 minutes ago, chillii said: Regardless of Covid , or some just fishing around and not serious , or whatever , you obviously just haven't met anyone where there's even been anything actually there yet anyway , or something with that one would've gone further. I had 8 dates last year (and that was slow). This year was only 4. Prior years has been as high as 25
glows Posted December 12, 2021 Posted December 12, 2021 7 minutes ago, CLS63AMG said: I prefer to warm her up with as few texts as possible and then meet, calls are a waste of time, everything is until you meet TBH, but you need to get her going. I’m a woman by the way. Texting is a bit cold and I don’t agree that it warms up a conversation - quite the opposite. Someone may be on the fence meeting you. If they can’t gauge your sincerity or your profile was sparse she may decline. I usually think much better of the suggestion for a call instead of texting or rushing to meet. You can also hear intonations and listen to how a person thinks (stream of thought or consciousness), getting more info about the other person in five minutes as opposed to three hours texting. You yourself may be surprised how many of these women you’d rather not meet for example if you had called them instead beforehand. I don’t think it’s any loss to you that they haven’t met you. The frustration is the amount of time you spend trying to get them to meet with you. It’s a suggestion.
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