My boss keeps asking my gf/co-worker, instead of asking me this.

[ironpony]

But he's gay though and has a husband, so I don't think that is likely the case.

[Uruktopi]

2 hours ago, ironpony said:

But he's gay though and has a husband, so I don't think that is likely the case.

"All is about sex except sex that is about power"

There you have a tyical power game. And your gf is having a conflict of loyalties.

Your boss haves only a functional authority when it´s formally work related.

Don´t let him think otherwise.

If he haves an unwise use of informal channels you don´t have the need to play his game.

And your gf...........

You are having an excess of bosses right now.

If she don´t take her place in the relationship as seriously as her career,  promote her to ex gf, so she can better focus on the valid scope of her job.

Edited December 3, 2021 by Uruktopi

[Alvi]

3 hours ago, ironpony said:

But he's gay though and has a husband, so I don't think that is likely the case.

How do you know all this? Do people at your workplace just go around blabbing about their personal lives?

[Alvi]

You GF should tell your boss that he should ask you directly because she has no idea when and if you are available for any extra shifts.

[Fox Sake]

6 hours ago, vla1120 said:

My daughter and her boyfriend worked at the same place for awhile. They had the same issue. The owner would go to my daughter to ask her if her boyfriend was available to work this day or that day. My daughter told him "I don't know. You'll have to ask "said boyfriend."" This is what your girlfriend should be saying, too. Your boss should not be asking her in the first place. You could also go to him and ask him to talk to you directly from now on, and that you do not expect to be held to any agreements your girlfriend makes on your behalf.

Yeah I agree about him going to see his boss directly. 
Otherwise he’s just using his gf to pass messages the same as his boss is! Defeats the whole purpose of it all! 

@ironpony your boss sounds like a bit a of creep…If you want to be the man then be the man and speak to him. You be the boss of your own life ,  not your girlfriend. 
 

oh and your girlfriend needs to have some boundaries too, because I would be pissed if work calls or personal calls were even being answered during a date unless it was an emergency, or you’re staff literally can’t manage without you. She clearly respects authority in him tho, so make of that what you will. Maybe she needs that in the relationship? Big stab in the dark there! 

Edited December 3, 2021 by Fox Sake
To say that your title was like one of those YouTube videos that clickbaited me ! Excellent.

[ShyViolet]

Your boss should not be asking your gf when you can work certain shifts and asking her to pass messages along to you instead of just asking you directly.  That's completely unprofessional.  You were 100% in the right to ask her to just say "you need to talk to him directly, I don't speak for him."  And the fact that she got "offended" by that and is unwilling to do that is just bizarre.  Honestly I feel that it's yet another indication that she's immature.  Many of your past posts about her have had other examples.

[ironpony]

Well I had a talk with her and I told her she has a tendency to be too much of a 'yes person', and she feels it's her job to solve other people's problems when it's not; in this case it's not her job to take phone calls on our time, so the boss can ask her questions about me when we are not at work...  But it's not just this situation as there are others, where she lets people walk on her too much.  I don't know if this was too harsh, but she later on agreed, and that she wants to stop being that way.  Not sure if that was too harsh, but I am just trying to help her. 

And she's called me out on flaws of mine too, which is fine, so I don't understand why it's harsh of me to call her out on hers.  Can't we just both do it to each other, and not be so weak about it, unless that's fine for us to do and that's good?

Edited December 3, 2021 by ironpony

[basil67]

If you're both fine with criticising each other, then keep it up.  Personally, I wouldn't do it, but this is your relationship and not mine.

[basil67]

3 hours ago, Alvi said:

How do you know all this? Do people at your workplace just go around blabbing about their personal lives?

It's been completely normal to know a little about each other's personal lives at every workplace I've been.  I see nothing unusual here.  

[ironpony]

23 minutes ago, basil67 said:

If you're both fine with criticising each other, then keep it up.  Personally, I wouldn't do it, but this is your relationship and not mine.

Well do I tell someone that they are too much of a yes person and that they let others walk on them too much in an effort to try to help that person, without criticizing them?  How do you point out that someone let's people walk on them without it being criticizing?

Do I have too much of a thick skin compared to some people and is that a problem with me?

Edited December 3, 2021 by ironpony

[elaine567]

She must be doing something right, she is a supervisor, you are not.
Leave her alone 

[basil67]

3 hours ago, ironpony said:

Well do I tell someone that they are too much of a yes person and that they let others walk on them too much in an effort to try to help that person, without criticizing them?  How do you point out that someone let's people walk on them without it being criticizing?

Do I have too much of a thick skin compared to some people and is that a problem with me?

You said that both of you are fine criticising each other's behaviour.  So if you're fine then you're fine and it's OK.   

Why are you asking advice if both of you are apparently comfortable with the dynamic?

[Uruktopi]

3 hours ago, elaine567 said:

She must be doing something right, she is a supervisor, you are not.
Leave her alone 

Probably true about her job (though I have some reserves about it). Certainly not true at all regarding her relationship.

That´s why I agree with you in the same conclusion for the opposite reasons.

"Leave her alone" for every and all times and puposes.  

[vla1120]

7 hours ago, ironpony said:

Well do I tell someone that they are too much of a yes person and that they let others walk on them too much in an effort to try to help that person, without criticizing them?  How do you point out that someone let's people walk on them without it being criticizing?

Do I have too much of a thick skin compared to some people and is that a problem with me?

@ironpony I like that you come out here for advice on your relationship. I am of the mindset that the partner you are with should make you want to be a better person. The fact that you seek advice for your relationship shows me you are trying to do the right thing. You might have a thicker skin than most, especially someone like your girlfriend, who seems to be a people pleaser. There is nothing wrong with encouraging her to stand up for herself if you are doing it out of concern for her. One bit of advice I have would be to turn any possible "negatives" into "positives."

For example, instead of saying "You are too much of a yes person and you need to stop letting people walk all over you." Perhaps you could say "I think if you set some healthy boundaries, your boss and other people will be more respectful of you and of your time." Then maybe you can have a gentle, calm discussion about what healthy boundaries look like (she doesn't answer her phone after hours. Let her boss leave a message, and if it is a critical issue, she can decide whether to call back. If your boss asks her a question about your availability, she refers him to you, etc.)

[spiderowl]

22 hours ago, ironpony said:

Okay thanks, I won't ask him to do so then.  But I want my gf to not answer any more questions on my behalf then and ask her that whenever he asks her, do not say anything else, other than tell him to ask me directly instead.  Is that the best thing to do?

You need to tell your girlfriend not to speak on your behalf. It is unacceptable for a manager to go through her about your availability for work just because she is your girlfriend, unless that is ok with you - and it clearly isn’t.

You should not ask your girlfriend to lie to anyone on your behalf. Neither should your girlfriend be telling your bosses what you are doing on your time off.  It is your private time and you should not have to account to your employers about it unless you are breaking your employment contract - for example if you are supposed to be within a certain distance of work on certain days and ‘on call’.

If anyone asks what you are doing on your time off - and you feel they are not just being friendly and naturally curious -then just say you are are busy and do not elaborate. They should take the hint.

Obviously, there are tactful ways of dealing with this. You can tell your girlfriend to refer managers to you if they want to ask about your availability or time off. If she is unwilling to do this, then your girlfriend has boundary problems along with the managers. She can easily say ‘You’ll need to ask ironpony; he doesn’t like me to make arrangements for him.’

Managers or their deputies (and your superiors at work) should be the ones to approach you about such matters. I suspect this is something that started out as being an informal way to find out if you were free, but you don’t like it and so your girlfriend should refer them to you.

[ironpony]

26 minutes ago, spiderowl said:

You need to tell your girlfriend not to speak on your behalf. It is unacceptable for a manager to go through her about your availability for work just because she is your girlfriend, unless that is ok with you - and it clearly isn’t.

You should not ask your girlfriend to lie to anyone on your behalf. Neither should your girlfriend be telling your bosses what you are doing on your time off.  It is your private time and you should not have to account to your employers about it unless you are breaking your employment contract - for example if you are supposed to be within a certain distance of work on certain days and ‘on call’.

If anyone asks what you are doing on your time off - and you feel they are not just being friendly and naturally curious -then just say you are are busy and do not elaborate. They should take the hint.

Obviously, there are tactful ways of dealing with this. You can tell your girlfriend to refer managers to you if they want to ask about your availability or time off. If she is unwilling to do this, then your girlfriend has boundary problems along with the managers. She can easily say ‘You’ll need to ask ironpony; he doesn’t like me to make arrangements for him.’

Managers or their deputies (and your superiors at work) should be the ones to approach you about such matters. I suspect this is something that started out as being an informal way to find out if you were free, but you don’t like it and so your girlfriend should refer them to you.

Oh okay thanks.  This is how I feel and I feel she does have boundary problems in this situation, but when I tell her this, I am told it is criticizing her and it's not good.  So I am not sure how to bring it to her attention without her taking it as criticizing.  She also got defensive about it, saying  what can I do, he's my boss, etc. so I guess she is taking it that way.

[ironpony]

19 hours ago, Alvi said:

How do you know all this? Do people at your workplace just go around blabbing about their personal lives?

He talks about his husband in conversation in the lunch room sometimes, but either way, it's irrelevant to this issue though?

[spiderowl]

1 hour ago, ironpony said:

Oh okay thanks.  This is how I feel and I feel she does have boundary problems in this situation, but when I tell her this, I am told it is criticizing her and it's not good.  So I am not sure how to bring it to her attention without her taking it as criticizing.  She also got defensive about it, saying  what can I do, he's my boss, etc. so I guess she is taking it that way.

I think it depends how you speak to your girlfriend, ironpony. Just ask her nicely to refer them to you if they want to ask about availability for work. 

It sounds like she is being defensive because she feels you are criticising her for what she’s done and she is not happy about suddenly changing things with her boss. She has been put in the position of piggy-in-the-middle. Tell her you don’t blame her for what she’s said or done but could she refer them to you in future. Any decent boss would understand.

Edited December 3, 2021 by spiderowl

[ironpony]

2 minutes ago, spiderowl said:

I think it depends how you speak to your girlfriend, ironpony. Just ask her nicely to refer them to you if they want to ask about availability for work. 

It sounds like she is being defensive because she feels you are criticising her for what she’s done and she is not happy about suddenly changing things with her boss. She has been put in the position of piggy-in-the-middle. Tell her you don’t blame her for what she’s said or done but could she refer them to you in future. Any decent boss would understand.

Oh okay.  I think I spoke to her nicely about it, but then when it kept happening, I felt I had to point out that she is a yes person, just out of tough love though, and was meaning it to help her.

I realize that she has been put in this piggy in the middle position, but she is agreeing to be the piggy, by doing what the boss asks, no if ands or buts.  So she is agreeing to be the piggy that is asked of her by doing that though, isn't she?

[Lotsgoingon]

Your thinking is sound and clear. And yes, your gf should say "I don't know." And your boss shouldn't be asking her about your availability.

But you don't have to confront this issue now. Let yourself cool down a bit ... Then the next time you see your boss, first of all make sure you are in a good mood ... don't do this when upset ... But when you next see your boss, you can say, "Hey I couldn't work on X and Y days. I'm sure A (gf's name) told you. If you're looking for workers to do extra hours, you can contact me directly because A (gf) doesn't always know my schedule."

The boss will get (without you explicity saying so) that you are telling him to quit askig your gf about your hours. 

And here's a key point. Since your boss is asking your gf about your hours, it is understood that she will convey this info to you. Boss knows gf is passing on boss's question.

Therefore you are then allowed (etiquette wise) to tell your boss that you know he's been asking gf and that he can ask you directly. So it's not weird for you to bring this up with boss. He'll likely apologize and say, "oh sure. Sorry."

 

 

[ironpony]

Oh okay, I can do that.  I feel that if I don't quash this now, my gf is going to tell my boss I can work on so and so, when I cannot, or something like that, and it will get more challenging.  That is why I felt I needed to do something about this write away, but maybe I do not.

But it was said before that since my gf is a supervisor there, if I go to the boss and say what you suggested, that it might come off like I am trying to go over her head, if she is a supervisor.  Will it?

[Lotsgoingon]

But gf is not your supervisor, right? Arranging and keeping track of your hours is not her job, right?

Therefore you are not stepping out of the chain of command. 

[ironpony]

Yes she is a supervisor in the shipping recieving department, and I run the company website and do their online works, and have my own supervisor there I report to.

[ironpony]

Well one reason why he may go to her instead to ask me instead of asking me, is because him and her work a different shift time then me, so could this likely be why?  But I guess this doesn't account for when he tries to ask her to ask me, when we are not working.

Edited December 4, 2021 by ironpony

[ironpony]

So something else happened.  The boss started asking her questions about our relationship which I felt were kind of personal, how our sleeping arrangements were effecting my insomnia and some things related to that.  That's what she told him when he asked some questions.  He then told her that he felt I had some insecurities as a boyfriend.  I got frustrated at her telling him this when she told me later, and I told her why does she have to talk thim about those things.  She broke down and started crying and said what was I suppose to say, and that she can't lie and that she doesn't have it in her to refuse to answer questions from her boss.

She also said that I am not use to an office environment and that in offices, people who work together talk about their relatonships, much more openly compared to where I worked before, a factory environment.  She says that I am just not use this environment and that's normal.  she also has a lot of trouble making friends because she is autistic and that when people are friendly towards her it's hard for her not to be as a result.  But is the boss caring for her, and wanting to be her friend when he asks her these questions about our relationship and then tells her I have insecurities, or does he have ulterior motives, rather than being a good friendly boss/co-worker?

But she got upset and said that maybe am insecure because I care too much about what other people think when it comes to me being so private about us all the time and who cares?  Does she have a point?

Edited December 5, 2021 by ironpony