Inconsistent intensity

[brownygoldy]

Hi Guys,

I can't believe I've suddenly got the courage and inspiration to write out my sorrows out onto here after such a long time not revealing anything about the nature of this relationship that unexpectedly entered and transformed my whole life, my whole being, in so many varying and complex ways.

There's a lot to this story, I'll try to keep it as short and succinct as possible.

Like all of us in our own ways, I've always deemed myself to be unique. I'm the eldest in my generation of a large and very united Indian family so have always been regarded as and taken the role of the "Leader", organising things, keeping the family together and having fun. But I've also always been fiercely independent, a very free spirit, spontaneous, had boyfriends from other cultures, went to live in China for a year after uni at 21, then on coming back to the UK moved to London where I pursued my passion of a career in investigations, working hard but also visiting bars and drinking cocktails equally as hard. But alongside work, social activities and my family commitments, I enjoyed volunteering, and also keeping my intrigue of philosophy (what I studied at uni) alive by attending regular philosophy courses. Seeing and catching up with my different friends circles around the world was also a regular fixture. So basically, I had a very rich and full life. But I always felt pretty 'misunderstood', in that I wasn't able to share my 'real self' with anyone, I loved life, was in no way depressed, but an inner part of me felt alone, like nobody saw and appreciated the true me, I felt that I had so much depth to offer and share with somebody, so much to experience. I've had lots of boyfriends, all fun and great in their own way, but not an all-encompassing and complete love or relationship.

Until, I went to a Hindu philosophy course (I'm Hindu) a little over 2 years ago, Sept 2019, and I instantly fell a magnetic allure to one of the teachers there. I felt like I'd seen him before, but in actuality we had never met before. The course content lit me up, delving into ancient scriptures on abstract concepts of existence and human nature, and during the whole weekend of the course my whole body was tingling in the presence of the teacher (M), someone who shared the same 'weird' and esoteric interests I always have, someone who got it, someone who relished in it, someone who got emotional speaking about these things, like me. Everything I'd felt for years and thought I'd never find in anybody else.

He felt the same attraction and intrigue towards me. We connected fast and deep, but over messages only, our conversations were layered, deep, sexual, in his words, I fulfilled him like nobody else ever had, 'intellectually, emotionally, psychologically, mentally, physically, sexually'. He's a doctor, a surgeon, a few years younger than me, I'm 31, and he's in demand, professionally and personally, he's highly intelligent, but he wanted me, and it finally felt like someone saw me, but not just someone, someone on my level. But, he never took it into real life, we'd almost get there (meeting up) but he'd suddenly abandon, stop talking, block me suddenly. The best orgasms (apologies for the explicitness!) I've ever had are with him and we've not even been together physically! This connection felt  powerful, intense, all-encompassing, absorbing, palpable, cosmic. But he'd randomly block me, then weeks or sometimes months later return, saying he'd blocked me because 'I derail him', 'he got scared', 'he thought out of sight out of mind but it never worked'. At times he'd also deny feeling anything for me, contradictory to the poetic language he'd have used to describe me the day before. Anyway, through all this I held on, and always allowed him to return, welcoming him back with love, understanding and passion lol.

Let me explain why - my whole life, I've been searching for answers, and through deep spiritual practice and philosophical examination I had found complete inner peace, stability, knowing of myself and regulation. I was at this place when I met M. Nothing angered me, bothered me, upset me, I was able to extend understanding to others, and this allowed me to thrive in my professional life in my career in investigations and my voluntary work with the homeless and vulnerable. And so when M left and returned time and time again, I extended patience, understanding, I didn't want to pressure him, he'd take the step with me when ready, our connection was undeniable, we both knew and said it, I'd even 'therapy' him out at times and he'd say I know him more than he knows himself. This was still all taking place online. 

Pertinent point to mention: he has a colleague who he calls his work wife. M is Hindu like me, a religious one, his colleague is an Arab Muslim, a very gorgeous woman but culturally it isn't easy for either of them to be together, if they wanted to be. So I've always felt like his loyalty has lied towards her, they study together, work together, brunch together, and so I felt that she met most of his everyday needs while I was the online presence he could come to when he needed fulfilling or connecting with on a deeper level. 

Anyway, I still allowed it all. I had decided I didn't want to marry or have kids after meeting M as he fulfilled me enough through our online interactions (stupid, I know) and someone else suddenly validated my desire (that I had before meeting him) to live a simple life in the future serving doing charity work and meditating in India. The thought of a mundane marriage with the usual dramas of life and kids seemed like a burden. Whereas M met me on every inner level it felt like. Furthermore, since I met M no other guy came anywhere NEAR his level of divine presence. I also always felt incredibly sexed up since he came into my life, like he lit me up from the inside. This was all the case for 16 months. Until I got a mild traumatic brain injury - a concussion. And suddenly my whole life changed. I became numb to everything I cared about, my work, my family, my friends, and even M. Suddenly I felt nothing except emptiness, and constant headaches, and tinnitus, and eye floaters, and dizziness, and many many other symptoms. I became a shell. My identity was lost. I even had some psychotic hallucinations. I went from being somebody people came to for help to struggling to get through the day. This happened in January 2021 and since then it's been a long process to regain some sense of sanity and pursue healing, which is still ongoing. At the beginning of this journey, I reached out to M, sending him voice notes explaining the sheer terror I was feeling, he's worked in mental health as a doctor and raised money for it personally, he was close to my heart and I thought he'd care. He chose not to listen to any of the voicenotes and blocked me. 

It obviously shocked me but I had bigger things to worry about, my survival, my brain, so for the months ahead I focussed on my healing. A few months ago, he got back in touch, quite casually, telling me he's been dreaming about me. I was pretty cold towards him, he apologised for his previous behaviour, and I made it clear that after being made to feel like a burden when reaching out when I was at my worst, any affection I had towards him has gone. Since then, in his words he's been trying to 'build bridges', but in reality it's a case of the same to me - coming on strong, getting close (on messages), emotionally intimate and touching messages, to then going cold or disappearing the next day, or not replying for days, or ghosting, with no explanation. I HATE ghosting with a passion, it leaves so much unknown and unsaid and my current unstable brain cannot deal with it. So I've told him all of this - that I'm going through a tough time now, I need peace, I need support, consistency and I understand that he can't provide this, he has his own pressures. But he just doesn't communicate. I've even gone through phases of blocking him now myself, something I don't like to do, but to protect myself.

So same patterns occurring and repeating.

Two days ago, after not speaking for a while, he came back saying what I've wanted to hear all this time, asking me what he can do to help me, asking me for coffee and cuddles, just being there for me. In recent times, when we don't talk, I feel more stable as I'm not constantly ruminating and questioning and worrying about why he hasn't replied, and I don't feel the pressure to be 'perfect' or 'beautiful' or 'intelligent' or 'sophisticated' or 'like a goddess' - all words he used to describe me, the me he met at the course and knew until this injury happened. But equally, when he returns, my heart melts, I care for him and see him so much. And the hope in me hopes that he can be consistent this time, and follow through with meeting up, and cares about me like I care about him, enough to want to talk consistently and show me his love like he says he feels. But anyway, the same pattern keeps on repeating, yesterday he wanted cuddles, now it's been a day since he's replied back. My inner abandonment fears are so triggered, my emotional anxieties take over my rational mind; he may be busy yes, he has a busy life, but he's done this so many times now, it's been a theme through our relationship that when he doesn't reply I can't seem to settle myself, he starts appearing in my nightmares, I can't sleep through the night and I wake up and check my phone, I haven't drank alcohol since this injury as I've been completely committed to healing in the best way possible but I'm sitting with a glass of red wine today, a month ago when this happened I went for a walk at 11pm at night just because I could not calm or soothe myself. All I wanted was for him to talk to me to provide clarity, have a conversation out of mutual respect. He initiates the returning, he gets deep, he talks about feelings, about love he feels for me. how he hasn't felt what he feels for me before or since, and we have great chats about everything, but then he'll go quiet or cold suddenly and when I address this to have an adult conversation, a heart to heart, he'll ghost completely.

Anyway, I've written in my diary how it's up to me to close the door on this now, and how he CANNOT provide what I need, he doesn't have the capacity, he doesn't feel what I feel, that I may never know his motivations and that's fine because it is what it is, and that I'm in no place for a relationship atm anyway, I've written things to try and hype myself up and make myself strong and averse to this now, but I need your advice now. On it all please! Please tell me what I am missing and doing wrong. What I need to hear, but in a gentle way please.

Thank you so much all ♡

 

[Calmandfocused]

Admittedly I skim read a lot of this. 
 

The reason being that despite the reams of information you write, one thing is leaping out at me: 

Nothing is happening with this guy. Nothing whatsoever. 
 

You’ve made a fatal error here: assuming that your online relationship with this man means something special. I’m very sorry to tell you this but I’m afraid it doesn’t.

You need to face reality here: he is not trying to see you. He has no interest in taking this further. He just wants to text you. This is not a relationship. 
 

You’d be doing yourself a massive favour if you got your heads out the clouds, stop romanticising every word he texts you, and see it for what it is: which is nothing. 
 

Every time he says he’s going to see you he ghosts right? Then he comes back until the next time he’s due to see you, right? ….
 

Stop doing this to yourself please. 

[ExpatInItaly]

12 hours ago, brownygoldy said:

he has a colleague who he calls his work wife. M is Hindu like me, a religious one, his colleague is an Arab Muslim, a very gorgeous woman but culturally it isn't easy for either of them to be together, if they wanted to be. So I've always felt like his loyalty has lied towards her, they study together, work together, brunch together, and so I felt that she met most of his everyday needs

I am quite sure this is his girlfriend, OP. Not just a "work wife." 

He blocks you and refuses to meet you because he is actually in a relationship with her. I would put money on it. He is messing with you and not serious about this. You got duped, unfortunately.

Please, for your own good, put this man in your past. This is not going anywhere and it's very unhealthy for you to attach yourself to someone like this. Do yourself a favour and block him forever. 

 

[Wiseman2]

Follow up closely with your neurologist, psychiatrist, therapist and support groups.

Steer clear of Svengalis, gurus and charlatans like this guy.

Talk to trusted friends and family and get support there as well.

[Veronica73]

What he is doing is called intermittent reinforcement. Look it up. Block him. Get a therapist (probably a woman would be best).