Should I be worried (some LGBT stuff too)

[glamtran]

Hi all, been dating this guy for a few months now and I do like him and there are a lot of positives in the relationship. 

However I do have some concerns about a potentially addictive personality. Mainly with his cannabis use and video games. He also smokes cigarettes and drinks 3 to four XL coffees per day. He doesn’t drink but he has partied hard in his 20s and went thru a phase where he felt it was getting excessive so he did stop. 

Cannabis is legal in our country and so there is not much of a legal issue here. 

When him and I aren’t together he is usually at his friends playing video games and smoking. He has been getting more and more vocal about being “baked” and playing games and how much he enjoys both. He is injured and he implied when we first met he smokes cause of his back and knee but this clearly isn’t the case. But his injury also caused him to lose his job and move back in with his parents. But his parents are both old and disabled so he helps them out too by living there  

When he is with his buddies it is not uncommon for him to stay until 1230 -430 AM especially when he doesn’t work the next day. He does work full time and he always shows up but a few times he went to work or came to my house looking like he got hit by a truck. And in visible pain. 

I’m all for having fun and being social and letting loose but not almost every night almost all night. Not when you are in your mid 30s. I think he has it too good at home. 

He says he wants to go back to school, and he should be using some of his time for self care and healing such as massages and going to a chiropractor. And it wouldn’t cost him anything with his benefits from work!

Also, I’m LGBT and for a straight guy to accept me, which he does, means a lot. So shouldn’t I accept him for him? I don’t want to be too judgy but I’m concerned about his maturity, health and priorities. 

Am I being too harsh too soon? This hasn’t really caused any direct disrespect or abuse (yet?) 

Thank you all! 

 

[Taramere]

On 11/25/2021 at 4:11 AM, glamtran said:

Also, I’m LGBT and for a straight guy to accept me, which he does, means a lot. So shouldn’t I accept him for him? I don’t want to be too judgy but I’m concerned about his maturity, health and priorities. 

Am I being too harsh too soon? This hasn’t really caused any direct disrespect or abuse (yet?) 

Thank you all! 

Accepting somebody for who they are (in your case, LGBT) isn't the same as accepting behaviours a person is engaging in.  

Years ago I was involved with a guy who also spent an inordinate amount of time being stoned and, from my perspective, wasting the day.  I mean, I enjoyed the late night intense discussions and the laughs that came with being stoned, but at 10am on a sunny day I wanted to be out and about doing things, not staring vacuously into space while slowly digesting, then rejecting, the news that the sun was well and truly up and that it was time to get out and about.

He wasn't obviously disrespectful and abusive either, but conducting a relationship with somebody who's wedded to adolescence in that way can slowly eat at your self esteem.  Self absorption often comes with that very adolescent mindset, and if you're in a relationship with somebody like that you can start to get that unpleasant nagging sensation that you're becoming more like their mum than their girlfriend.

I'd resent seeing him snoring away in my bed at noon on a beautiful sunny weekend when I was working all week and had been looking forward to doing something fun at the weekend. I'm not sure how anybody manages to have a fulfilling relationship with somebody who habitually gets stoned and wastes even the most beautiful of days in that way.  It's unfulfilling, it eats away at your self esteem (because it's hard not to feel "I'm obviously not worth getting out of bed for").  Like you, I had my own reasons for feeling "well, this guy accepts me...so I shouldn't judge him"."  But it was the same deal.  Him accepting something about me that was inherently "me" rather than having anything to do with behaviour or choices.   Me feeling that I must reciprocate by accepting behaviour and choices he made that I didn't really think very much of.

When you feel that that's the sort of unwritten contract with somebody, it's going to start eating away at you - even though the other person almost certainly doesn't intend for you to feel that way.  I think the best approach is to address that with them sooner rather than later.  It's scary to do, when you like somebody and are afraid of jeopardising the relationship by being "difficult", "drama" or "not fun any more " or any of the things that we're likely to worry about being when we try to address self absorbed, adolescent behaviour in a partner.  However if you don't address it early, the likelihood is that all sorts of existing doubts and insecurities about the other person, the relationship and yourself are going to start building up.

I might be wrong about this, but to me the core thing here is that you feel in that "deal" I'm talking about.  Where you believe that because he accepts who you are, you must accept what he is doing....and I think that's probably the issue you need to tackle head on.  

[SumGuy]

Being LGBT you are likely aware of all the assumptions people make about you based on that and the character traits they infer from that life style and what it says about your mental state and judgment.  It's called stereotyping and prejudice and it is powerful indeed.  It causes selection bias and seeing only (or giving the most weight to) the actions that agree with our preconceptions and prejudice.   

I'd look at his life objectively and trying to separate prejudice and judgment from just incompatibility.  Getting stoned and play video games, not any less productive or time consuming than get drunk and attending a hockey game, or spending all Saturday playing 18 holes...and the latter two likely cost a lot more money.   Now on doing the things of daily living, roof over ones head, food on the table, etc. he appears to have that somewhat going on and he helps his parents it appears.   

[glows]

This was weeks ago so I don’t know if you’re still reading, OP.

For what it’s worth, you both seem incompatible. I don’t think it’s going to work. The main concern is that you are afraid to judge or discern when a person doesn’t align with you or what you’re about. Don’t hesitate or be afraid to say “this is not for me”.

Be strong and find someone more similar to you.