Stay friends or cut contact?

[steelgator]

* It's important to note this took place during a 2 month span only*

This girl and I went from acquaintances to very close friends in a matter of weeks. We are both travel nurses, she recruited me to her agency so we stay in touch from time to time. Well I finally took an assignment in the same city she was in. We started hanging out and she said right away on our first Netflix and chill “date” that she just wanted to be friends and isn’t in a mental state to give anything more. I said that’s fine as that’s all I really needed anyways and I could always use more female friends.

Well we end up hanging out a couple times a week for the next couple of months and enjoying each others company. She would let me sleep in her guest bed after we would stay up watching Netflix and drinking/smoking. She would randomly say stuff like “my friends are wondering who this good looking guy I’m hanging out with is and I just say we’re friends” or “you are such a nice guy it’s crazy”

Then a few days before she moves (we are travel nurses so we move every few months) we are hanging out at a beer garden and she says “I feel like I’ve grown so close to you, I would have been depressed if you didn’t move here.” She starts telling me past traumas she has never told anyone. She then starts looking at flights to the next city I’m moving to and told me to come visit her after Christmas before I move. We also were at improv comedy and got singled out and the comedian asked if we were dating and she said “yes”

The last night she asked me if I’m an emotional guy because she thinks she attracts emotional men. I keep quiet and change the subject. When I get home she says goodnight and I say sweet dreams, she replies “I hope they’re wet dreams”. Well I took the bait and she rejected me saying she values our friendship too much to ruin it with sex and that she’s sorry she sometimes gets drunk and suggestive and is working on not doing that through therapy. She gets mad that I start replying with one word answers and calls me. I say I’m sorry but she can’t be saying suggestive stuff like that and that I find her attractive and it’s been a while for me too. She said well she already made it clear she only wanted to be friends in the beginning and she just got out of a f***ed up 6 year relationship and needs to be guarded and have clear lines in relationships.

The next day she leaves and I’m a crying wreck. I call her and tell her I’m depressed. I don’t confess my feelings. Just that I’m depressed. She said she’s here for me if I need her and gave me advice because she deals with depression and sees a therapist once a week.

I do feel depressed and not sure if this rejection is bringing it out or if it’s all it is. I want to be friends at least because she is awesome and good female friends are hard to come by. But it’s hard to separate my feelings right now when she is still texting me and checking up on my well being.

Should I tell her my true feelings and tell her I need space? Or just keep doing what I’m doing and keep it short with her but friendly? Or...I could cut all contact. It's cold and ruthless but it may force her hand if she really has any feelings for me. She has told me stuff she has not trusted anyone else to tell and I feel like that's a little crazy for just a male "friend" of 2 months.

[Foxhall]

It seems she is playing a little unfair with you in the sense of wanting the emotional support of a boyfriend/partner but at the same time saying that is a no go area in reality,

you could play the long game and hope it changes in the next number of months, keep being the good friend and hope her feelings will change,

then more ruthless guys than me will say to cut all contact now and look for a woman who will give you all, that you have no more time to be wasting on this,

I also like having female friends, but I think to enjoy them solely as friends ,well you have to be able to put the sexual agenda or romantic thoughts to one side and to be able to switch that desire off almost,

In your case Im guessing she is causing you too much grief, you are not in the state of mind to just accept friendship so distancing yourself may be the best option.

Maybe at a later stage she might even reach out again, but you will hold a stronger bargaining position in the future, if you move on now.

 

 

 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

10 hours ago, steelgator said:

she just got out of a f***ed up 6 year relationship

She's on the rebound and you're the filler guy while she heals. 

I would keep your distance, or your heart is going to get trampled on. 

[Wiseman2]

She is just a friend. Maybe it seemed like more because of the intensity. 

It this the same woman?:

 

[Blind-Sided]

It's been said above... you are the filler, and she built your hopes by skating the line of being "only friends".    In some ways... she is messing with your head.  If your tour with her is over... just end it, and stop talking to her. You will get over it faster.  

[dramafreezone]

On 11/8/2021 at 1:31 PM, steelgator said:

* It's important to note this took place during a 2 month span only*

This girl and I went from acquaintances to very close friends in a matter of weeks. We are both travel nurses, she recruited me to her agency so we stay in touch from time to time. Well I finally took an assignment in the same city she was in. We started hanging out and she said right away on our first Netflix and chill “date” that she just wanted to be friends and isn’t in a mental state to give anything more. I said that’s fine as that’s all I really needed anyways and I could always use more female friends.

Well we end up hanging out a couple times a week for the next couple of months and enjoying each others company. She would let me sleep in her guest bed after we would stay up watching Netflix and drinking/smoking. She would randomly say stuff like “my friends are wondering who this good looking guy I’m hanging out with is and I just say we’re friends” or “you are such a nice guy it’s crazy”

Then a few days before she moves (we are travel nurses so we move every few months) we are hanging out at a beer garden and she says “I feel like I’ve grown so close to you, I would have been depressed if you didn’t move here.” She starts telling me past traumas she has never told anyone. She then starts looking at flights to the next city I’m moving to and told me to come visit her after Christmas before I move. We also were at improv comedy and got singled out and the comedian asked if we were dating and she said “yes”

The last night she asked me if I’m an emotional guy because she thinks she attracts emotional men. I keep quiet and change the subject. When I get home she says goodnight and I say sweet dreams, she replies “I hope they’re wet dreams”. Well I took the bait and she rejected me saying she values our friendship too much to ruin it with sex and that she’s sorry she sometimes gets drunk and suggestive and is working on not doing that through therapy. She gets mad that I start replying with one word answers and calls me. I say I’m sorry but she can’t be saying suggestive stuff like that and that I find her attractive and it’s been a while for me too. She said well she already made it clear she only wanted to be friends in the beginning and she just got out of a f***ed up 6 year relationship and needs to be guarded and have clear lines in relationships.

The next day she leaves and I’m a crying wreck. I call her and tell her I’m depressed. I don’t confess my feelings. Just that I’m depressed. She said she’s here for me if I need her and gave me advice because she deals with depression and sees a therapist once a week.

I do feel depressed and not sure if this rejection is bringing it out or if it’s all it is. I want to be friends at least because she is awesome and good female friends are hard to come by. But it’s hard to separate my feelings right now when she is still texting me and checking up on my well being.

Should I tell her my true feelings and tell her I need space? Or just keep doing what I’m doing and keep it short with her but friendly? Or...I could cut all contact. It's cold and ruthless but it may force her hand if she really has any feelings for me. She has told me stuff she has not trusted anyone else to tell and I feel like that's a little crazy for just a male "friend" of 2 months.

Honestly I don't see anything that makes me convinced that she ever saw you in a romantic light.  I would say the telltale sign is that she had you sleep in her guest bed.  Additionally, she told you from the very beginning that she only wanted to be friends.  Just because she confides in you doesn't mean she's sexually attracted to you.  Every day people have sex with others and they don't even remember their names the next day.

She is toying with you a bit, but it's only because you reacted to it.  It's not cool on her part.  If you want to continue to be her friend you have to keep your emotions in better check.  As far as romantic future, I don't see any with her.  All of the crying and telling her that you're a wreck permanently sealed your fate if it wasn't already sealed before.  Kind of hard for a woman to be attracted to that.

No need to tell her your "true feelings."  She knows already, which is why she's said multiple times now that she only sees you as a friend.  No one goes around telling their friends that they just want to be friends, unless they get the idea that the friend wants something more when they don't share the same feelings.

Edited November 9, 2021 by dramafreezone