To still go on a first date when guy doesn't seem interested in you?

[Gaeta]

On 10/28/2021 at 12:21 PM, babybrowns said:

Yes but that is because I’ve been doing online dating for a number of years and have had heaps of different experiences on the way. One learns how to identify patterns.

Everything about this guy’s behaviour so far is consistent with my previous experiences of men who were just looking for sex and had zero interest in getting to know me as an individual.

The way that this guy is displaying a high level of self-display and a low level of interpersonal interest has been demotivating me. It has made me take longer before replying to him, it’s making my replies get less enthusiastic as well. I mean how much investment can you sustain when there’s zero interest from someone, zero back-and-forth, zero connection?

Despite what I perceive to be clear signs of shallow intentions, I am giving it the benefit of the doubt and trying to keep it going until our date which will be the real test to see whether he is truly interested in building a connection or just trying to seduce.

If you've done online dating for years you should welcome a man that doesn't try to feed you a bunch of fake romance on phone/text before meeting.

I came across men just wanting sex plenty of times and they didn't act the way this guy was acting. The men wanting sex text you all the time, shower you with compliments, to create this fake connection/familiarity. If this man's MO is to seduce women for sex...he has no clue what he's doing.

First you've got to decide what you want out of OLD? You mentionned you don't want a relationship so why do you filter men as if you're looking for a boyfriend? What do you want exactly?

[dramafreezone]

7 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

If you've done online dating for years you should welcome a man that doesn't try to feed you a bunch of fake romance on phone/text before meeting.

I came across men just wanting sex plenty of times and they didn't act the way this guy was acting. The men wanting sex text you all the time, shower you with compliments, to create this fake connection/familiarity. If this man's MO is to seduce women for sex...he has no clue what he's doing.

First you've got to decide what you want out of OLD? You mentionned you don't want a relationship so why do you filter men as if you're looking for a boyfriend? What do you want exactly?

Yes, for as much experience as she has, she seems to not have a very strong idea of what she's looking for.

She wants the guy to show strong interest, so that she can date him casually?  It sounds more as if she just wants total control over the situation.  She wants to call the shots.

[Fox Sake]

5 hours ago, poppyfields said:

Not surprised, it's what I had been saying all along.....  

Next time, follow your own intuition BB, what ended up happening proves it's pretty darn spot on. 

This board can be awesome, but when your intuition is this strong and you sense such bad vibes from the getgo, no need to create a thread, trust your OWN intuition and feelings and simply next.

Which you did but you were ready to meet this guy based on the advice you received, which I have no doubt would have been a massive waste of time and energy.

Anyway, everything happens for a reason.  All we can do is learn from it and move on.

All the best moving forward!! 

I agree about the intuition. I do like to play devils advocate sometimes in posts, but as far as anyone’s own intuition goes on their own situation , there isn’t a thread of a thousand opinions that can be more accurate. Intuition is there to save you from making a mistake. 

[Alpacalia]

49 minutes ago, Fox Sake said:

I agree about the intuition. I do like to play devils advocate sometimes in posts, but as far as anyone’s own intuition goes on their own situation , there isn’t a thread of a thousand opinions that can be more accurate. Intuition is there to save you from making a mistake. 

I agree with you, but we disagree on which is more important: the OP's gut instincts or anxiousness, which are two very different things. When someone is anxious, they can't always trust their instincts. The OP has had some bad luck so she's somewhat guarded, which could be a factor.

That, I believe, is what some individuals (myself included) have been attempting to emphasize as best they can.

Edited October 30, 2021 by Alpaca

[Pumpernickel]

@Fox SakeOK yes that might be generally true - but intuition does not mean that the potential date that you haven’t even MET yet has a flaw. It may mean that you yourself have a flaw, as in you’re holding yourself back with all your intuition, because - because of ALL your intuition - you are too insecure to meet somebody in person, which would enable you to have a real convo and form a valid opinion. (Or you’re just not interested in dating yet, but you haven’t figured that one out quite yet…..happens, too)

 

And before y’all get all hung up on the term “insecure” (“no, no I’m not insecure, nooo, that’s not it”), hear me out: you either don’t want to date at all, which is completely fine and I can totally relate because I’m the same way - but if you do OLD and you have a text conversation with somebody who doesn’t click with you right away, and there are some hiccups, I’m still gonna meet them, if I like their pictures, let’s say, or their profile description - Because there’s no way in hell I can judge that person based on a few text conversations and voice messages. That’s just ludicrous. 

Then you just shouldn’t (online) date at all. 

 

Now - If you’re new to online dating, just trying it out and stuff … you might develop that gut feeling over a few days or weeks, that knowledge about yourself, that you’re actually not ready for a relationship or for dating, you may have just signed up out of curiosity and what not. But honestly if you’ve been doing it for a while you should know better. Those initial back-and-forth conversations, they literally mean squat. Everybody who thinks they mean something and that these shallow non-conversations “resonate” with your intuition - yeah, these people are just naïve. It’s like judging a book by its cover - has nothing to do with “intuition”. Sorry. 

Edited October 30, 2021 by Pumpernickel

[Fox Sake]

8 hours ago, Alpaca said:

I agree with you, but we disagree on which is more important: the OP's gut instincts or anxiousness, which are two very different things. When someone is anxious, they can't always trust their instincts. The OP has had some bad luck so she's somewhat guarded, which could be a factor.

That, I believe, is what some individuals (myself included) have been attempting to emphasize as best they can.

I hadn’t actually taken that into account! That’s a very valid point about how anxiety can effect instincts. Personally, I have always trusted my instincts but I look back at times when anxiety has made me question that. 

 

@Pumpernickel That is the reason I played devils advocate and tried to come up with a far fetched but possible alternative. Because until you actually go on the date - who knows. Generally speaking tho , those who use their intuition regularly and have a solid track record with it being accurate, should definitely listen to themselves! Just my opinion though as that’s what has worked for me. Doesn’t mean it will work for everyone else. 
The only people that judge a book by it’s cover, is every one of us who post on others situations. All we have is what is told to us. So probably 50% of the information required to pass a fair judgment. Sometimes everyone is right, and sometimes everyone is blindsided by an outcome 

[Gaeta]

@babybrowns: Did you end up meeting? How did it go?

[Girl Fade Away]

On 10/29/2021 at 7:37 AM, babybrowns said:

His reply was, “Lol you’re saying we have to rush the date! I want to have a date with you and you not going off after an hour” I reinforced that I have to leave at Y time. His response, “let’s postpone then ”

Hello Loveshack.  Just had a read of this thread, found it fascinating, all the different replies.  To the OP,  I think you did the right thing nexting him based on the above. 

Postponing a couple of hours is fine but his comment emboldened, wow, what an arse.  He sounds very controlling and you haven't even met!   And first meets should be somewhat short anyway, you are there to get a feel for each other in person, gauge the chemistry.  

I am a little bit surprised at the replies from others posters, it should be your decision to meet or not based on how YOU feel.  And here, you didn't have good feelings from the beginning which turned out to becorrect  based on his arrogant comment above.

My opinion is feel free to be as picky and choosy as you like.  I always was too but ended up meeting a great guy and in a relationship now.. 

I also read a post from another female poster saying she has been quick with the block button too.  And she nexted a couple of men whose words didn't match actions w/r/t meeting this weekend.

On line is difficult, good luck with it.

 

Edited October 31, 2021 by Girl Fade Away

[Lisa]

Closed as per OP's post that she's done with the thread 

Edited October 31, 2021 by Lisa