To still go on a first date when guy doesn't seem interested in you?

[poppyfields]

20 minutes ago, Versacehottie said:

It doesn't mean this guy is perfect but she's certainly not going to fall in love with anyone sitting on her couch, repeatedly matching with guys on the apps only to subsequently find any and every reason to dismiss them...

Well, relating back to my own experiences, many if not MOST of the men I initially matched with were easy to dismiss. 

I mean there is so much inane bs that goes on online, I could share stories of some of what I went through, but this isn't my thread.

But it was A LOT.  Like I said, before I became more discerning (okay picky), I would meet them and 2 minutes in, regret it.  Only to sit there for 30 minutes or so because I didn't want to be impolite or rude.

I don't do online dating anymore because frankly the chances of my meeting a decent man to build something with is so remote, not to mention so mentally exhausting, I am now focusing on devoting my energies to real life and have met quite a few solid men, one of whom I am dating now.

Anyway, I think there is enough here on both sides of the fence for BB to make a decision.

I don't sense anything positive happening with this man, but best of luck BB whatever you decide to do.

 

 

Edited October 29, 2021 by poppyfields

[Versacehottie]

oh caught up with all the other posts since. ohhhh no...on one hand I'm glad that you are sticking with it to go on the date.  That said, you need to go with a clean slate, at least neutral optimism about it.  like Gaeta said you are expecting too much from people.  Almost everyone has something good about them even if they don't fill you opening for a boyfriend.  If you are burned out from dating so much so that you find fault with every potential match to this extent, it's time to take a break or meet people organically. 

What I would hate is that you force yourself to go on this date, but come with the same bad attitude, negative perception of him/what it can be & all the things "wrong" with him--that would be a huge uphill battle, ie i doubt it would work. In a way, if you aren't vibing with someone why wouldn't you just decide they aren't for you???!!  It's like you are operating with a chip on your shoulder and a scarcity mentality at the same time.  

I still encourage you to go but change what you want from the date. A funny story at a minimum. Maybe dating practice. Find out if you can be your most charming and "get the second date" even if you end up declining.  It's an information gathering process--one if you do well, you learn about yourself and grow at the same time.  I mean we are just talking about would a good first date lead to a second, that's how low the stakes are really. Even if a person turns out not to be for you, you can still learn something fun, have a good time, etc.  The reality is most people are not for you (general you) so in other words lots of dates are not going to be your right person.  You can't be all bitter about any contact you get and negate it to death---and not even go on dates, you'd be regressing yourself.

The other thing i would highly caution you against, is forcing yourself to go, but changing nothing about your preconceived notions and biases, and then coming away from the date, like "see? I was right!". That is exactly what has gotten you in this mess. Conformation bias, in part. And you are on the slippery slope right to it if you go on a date with a bad attitude about being there (throwing around "waste of time, etc etc). 

[poppyfields]

@Versacehottieyour advice is solid, what I don't understand however is that there is such an abundance of men on line, I mean these dating apps are like a total validation fest for women, why must she settle for meeting a man she doesn't have good vibes or feelings about?

Like I said, no matter how hard she tries, she is gonna carry that negative energy with her, he will sense it, it will negatively impact HIS energy and the date goes downhill from there.

Why bother when there are so many others?

The vibes/energy we sense from others simply IS, we cannot force it to change or force ourselves to feel positive when we're just NOT.

Her reasoning is valid to HER, she feels like utter **** when talking/interacting with him. That's really the bottom line.

Her enthusiasm drops, she has no or very little desire to even respond back!  She admitted as such.

So what IS the point?  She does not like him, that's coming through loud and clear.

Again, I understand your point about her possibly self-sabotaging, but honestly I am not so sure, she could simply be very intuitive and perceptive about people, I am the same, so I get it.

But she questions herself, she doesn't trust these feelings, hence these threads.

I realize I am projecting somewhat, but nonetheless, that is my take anyway, again good luck BB whatever you decide.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited October 29, 2021 by poppyfields

[Alpacalia]

2 hours ago, babybrowns said:

My final decision is, I will go on the date. His voice messages, although very one-track about him mostly, do have signs that a frank, decent, guy is behind them. I have hope that a frank, decent guy might get interested in getting to know someone he is out with. I will try to go in with an open heart rather than a feeling of anticipation of being merely a piece of furniture! 

Excellent.

When meeting a new person, the one-sided monologue can be frustrating and one of the biggest turnoffs for some individuals. However, keep in mind that we're talking about a phone call, text message, or other form of electronic communication. Anxiety exposes our most vulnerable selves. We are all capable of making inaccurate assumptions.

Keep in mind that YOU have the potential too, to learn a lot in the first few dates.

You might simply find a lovely man just beneath the surface.

Please keep us posted on how things are going!

Edited October 29, 2021 by Alpaca

[jspice]

7 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

Excellent.

When meeting a new person, the one-sided monologue can be frustrating and one of the biggest turnoffs for some individuals. However, keep in mind that we're talking about a phone call, text message, or other form of electronic communication. Anxiety exposes our most vulnerable selves. We are all capable of making inaccurate assumptions.

Keep in mind that YOU have the potential to to learn a lot in the first few dates.

You might simply find a lovely man just beneath the surface.

Please keep us posted on how things are going!

Agreed. You can’t always tell what the person will be like until you actually sit down and talk. 
Some people don’t come across well by text. He could be a dud but how will you know unless you just go. 
 

[poppyfields]

9 hours ago, babybrowns said:

The way that this guy is displaying a high level of self-display and a low level of interpersonal interest has been demotivating me. It has made me take longer before replying to him, it’s making my replies get less enthusiastic as well. I mean how much investment can you sustain when there’s zero interest from someone, zero back-and-forth, zero connection?

BB, this^ is what I was basing my opinion on. 

But I have now read Alpaca's post quoting a later post from you stating you plan to meet him, you sense a frank and decent man, so just want to say that despite my posts, I do support your decision and if you can maintain that positive frame, then it might possibly work out.

Have fun and keep us posted! 

 

Edited October 29, 2021 by poppyfields

[babybrowns]

Hello all,

I am proud to say, I was right! 

This guy asked today if we could postpone our afternoon first date tomorrow by a couple of hours because his friends invited him to join them for a beer after their weekly sports club. Oh the frankness

I had an evening commitment so I said I can do X time but I’ll have to leave by Y time, which would give us an hour on the date. And by the way, the venue for the date is very close to his neighbourhood, but a bit far from mine.

His reply was, “Lol you’re saying we have to rush the date! I want to have a date with you and you not going off after an hour” I reinforced that I have to leave at Y time. His response, “let’s postpone then ”

It is clear that this guy had zero interest in me and I am so glad that I trusted my instincts- would have had a real nasty shock otherwise. The level of his self-absorption is truly unfathomable.

Thank you all for your help

Edited October 29, 2021 by babybrowns

[Wiseman2]

On 10/27/2021 at 5:35 PM, babybrowns said:

We’re going to a bar which his friends owns.

 You need to pick a few places near you where you can control the venue. If you want coffee dates, for example, then pick a few places, times and days that work for you.

Sounds like you had no intention of meeting him anyway and created a sort of self-fulfilling prophecy.

[JRabbit]

14 hours ago, Versacehottie said:

OP has a history of imagining those things though..in her fear of dating/anxiety about it.  She could talk herself out of almost any date. 

IMO, she'd be best served to go as a personal challenge to herself.  She's certainly wasted many hours on here complaining about these guys that she never goes out with so might as well go and grow her dating experience because her internal mechanisms are failing her.  It doesn't mean this guy is perfect but she's certainly not going to fall in love with anyone sitting on her couch, repeatedly matching with guys on the apps only to subsequently find any and every reason to dismiss them, and simultaneously be stuck in limbo for her life choices.  Anyone who's gone through psych 101 can see what she is doing. Sorry, bb but it's a wake up call.

ok thanks for the background info lol

[Versacehottie]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

created a sort of self-fulfilling prophecy.

yep, i would say that is exactly what I expected.  

Also, BB your "evidence" about him not caring about you is b.s evidence.  You set yourself up to fail and everyone who tries to date you are set up to fail.

[Alpacalia]

1 hour ago, babybrowns said:

This guy asked today if we could postpone our afternoon first date tomorrow by a couple of hours because his friends invited him to join them for a beer after their weekly sports club. Oh the frankness

I wouldn't say that means he's "self-absorbed."

Just that he'd want to have a beer with his mates first.

[stillafool]

47 minutes ago, Versacehottie said:

 You set yourself up to fail and everyone who tries to date you are set up to fail.

Yeah I agree.  You should just give it a break and leave men alone for a while.

[babybrowns]

[ ] 

Thank you all again for your posts, I’m going to stop looking at this thread now and move on!

Edited October 31, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
civility

[NuevoYorko]

On 10/28/2021 at 9:21 AM, babybrowns said:

 

Despite what I perceive to be clear signs of shallow intentions, I am giving it the benefit of the doubt and trying to keep it going until our date which will be the real test to see whether he is truly interested in building a connection or just trying to seduce.

He hasn't tried hard to connect with you but he's maintained contact.    That happen for many people after some experiences with OLD. The whole "false intimacy" thing is not great.  Instead they just wait until the meeting.  That seems acceptable.  I don't see any reason to think that he just wants to seduce you, more like he wants to meet you.

More important than being so concerned with how much he's into you at this point, why not think about how much you want to meet him.  If you aren't interested yourself, don't waste your time.

[dramafreezone]

16 hours ago, poppyfields said:

@Versacehottieyour advice is solid, what I don't understand however is that there is such an abundance of men on line, I mean these dating apps are like a total validation fest for women, why must she settle for meeting a man she doesn't have good vibes or feelings about?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

She doesn't have a true abundance, because she's not giving guys a chance.  If she had more abundance, she would have much more of a carefree attitude about dating.

You only have "options" amongst the ones you're willing to actually go out on a date with.  If you would never go out with someone, then they're not an option.

If say 100 guys would go out with her, but she'd only consider 5 seriously, then the 5 are her options, not the other 95.

Whereas someone who goes in with more of an open mind has a larger selection to choose from, maybe not all 100, but say 20.  This person is going to enjoy dating a lot more because they're not investing so heavily in a short pool of "candidates."

Someone in true abundance would be out there, and hey if this date doesn't work out, on to the next.

[Fox Sake]

4 hours ago, babybrowns said:

Hello all,

I am proud to say, I was right! 

This guy asked today if we could postpone our afternoon first date tomorrow by a couple of hours because his friends invited him to join them for a beer after their weekly sports club. Oh the frankness

I had an evening commitment so I said I can do X time but I’ll have to leave by Y time, which would give us an hour on the date. And by the way, the venue for the date is very close to his neighbourhood, but a bit far from mine.

His reply was, “Lol you’re saying we have to rush the date! I want to have a date with you and you not going off after an hour” I reinforced that I have to leave at Y time. His response, “let’s postpone then ”

It is clear that this guy had zero interest in me and I am so glad that I trusted my instincts- would have had a real nasty shock otherwise. The level of his self-absorption is truly unfathomable.

Thank you all for your help

Wow.. what a jerk. I’m really sorry. Sending you a big hug and an infectious smile. Keep your chin up  

[poppyfields]

4 hours ago, babybrowns said:

Hello all,

I am proud to say, I was right! 

Not surprised, it's what I had been saying all along.....  

Next time, follow your own intuition BB, what ended up happening proves it's pretty darn spot on. 

This board can be awesome, but when your intuition is this strong and you sense such bad vibes from the getgo, no need to create a thread, trust your OWN intuition and feelings and simply next.

Which you did but you were ready to meet this guy based on the advice you received, which I have no doubt would have been a massive waste of time and energy.

Anyway, everything happens for a reason.  All we can do is learn from it and move on.

All the best moving forward!! 

Edited October 29, 2021 by poppyfields

[stillafool]

5 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

This board can be awesome, but when your intuition is this strong and you sense such bad vibes from the getgo, no need to create a thread, trust your OWN intuition and feelings and simply next.

I couldn't agree more Poppy.  BB just follow your own intuition.

[Alpacalia]

2 hours ago, babybrowns said:

The cynical responses on here, I’m sorry but I laugh at..this is simply about trusting gut instincts..this isn’t about a battle of my intuition versus LS and who has ‘won’.

Those posters on here who also have strong intuition and could understand my position without jumping to cynical conclusions, let’s toast to always following our gut  

Thank you all again for your posts, I’m going to stop looking at this thread now and move on!

Sometimes I do too. 

[poppyfields]

35 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

She doesn't have a true abundance, because she's not giving guys a chance.  If she had more abundance, she would have much more of a carefree attitude about dating.

You only have "options" amongst the ones you're willing to actually go out on a date with.  If you would never go out with someone, then they're not an option.

If say 100 guys would go out with her, but she'd only consider 5 seriously, then the 5 are her options, not the other 95.

Whereas someone who goes in with more of an open mind has a larger selection to choose from, maybe not all 100, but say 20.  This person is going to enjoy dating a lot more because they're not investing so heavily in a short pool of "candidates."

Someone in true abundance would be out there, and hey if this date doesn't work out, on to the next.

Wondering if you read her recent post.   The vast majority of guys online don't deserve a chance and I base that on my OWN experience on dating sites and apps. 

Like I said, I "dismissed" 99.9% of the men I matched with and had brief conversations with, often times not even brief due to the crude and rude remarks they made in their initial message to me.  Disgusting really.  Overly sexual and the like.  Their initial message!

Straight into the trash, immediate next.

There were two I liked, felt good about and met.  The second became my boyfriend of THREE years.

By abundance I meant women in general receive 100s of messages.  That in and of itself is abundance.  There is no reason any woman should be wasting time on creeps who send crude messages, or who are as self-absorbed as BB's guy and with whom she felt extremely bad vibes.

From the beginning!

Edited October 29, 2021 by poppyfields

[poppyfields]

>>Those posters on here who also have strong intuition and could understand my position without jumping to cynical conclusions, let’s toast to always following our gut  

Cheers back at ya BB!  

[OatsAndHall]

At the end of the day, this is what first dates are for; meeting someone face to face to see if we want it to go any further. IMO, the wonders of technology have detracted from this step in the dating ritual as we tend to forget that people can be much different in person. That technological space can skew how people act and also how we perceive those actions. When I was dating, I rarely canned a first date, even when I had a good idea of how poorly it was going to go.  I knew that people could surprise me face to face and that was part of the fun. If not, it was an hour (or less with a "Save Me" text to my brother) of my time. So be it.

On an ironic note, my gf of almost two years now stated that she thought about canning our first date for various reasons. She's happy she kept that date, most of the time. 

 

[poppyfields]

BB, just for a laugh, posted below is a message I recently received from a random man (well actually I think I knew him previously but that's beside the point) who reached out to me on another site (not a dating site).  Note this was his SECOND message to me:

>> I am practically semi retired have a good social life and a harem of women (well I'll be honest that is less now with covid) but I have a chick coming from Cadiz to spend the weekend with me...

I have no idea what prompted him to write that to me.  A harem of women?  A chick coming to see him that weekend?   Was this supposed to show me what high value he is or something?  LOL

Anyway, I chuckled, and eventually ghosted him.

My point is that when you encounter this type of BS, just NEXT. 

You got this, I know you do!

 

 

Edited October 29, 2021 by poppyfields

[OatsAndHall]

7 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

BB, just for a laugh, posted below is a message I recently received from a random man (well actually I think I knew him previously but that's beside the point) who reached out to me on another site (not a dating site).  Note this was his SECOND message to me:

>> I am practically semi retired have a good social life and a harem of women (well I'll be honest that is less now with covid) but I have a chick coming from Cadiz to spend the weekend with me...

I have no idea what prompted him to write that to me.  A harem of women?  A chick coming to see him that weekend?   Was this supposed to show me what high value he is or something?  LOL

Anyway, I chuckled, and eventually ghosted him.

My point is that when you encounter this type of BS, just NEXT. 

You got this, I know you do!

 

 

Another fine male specimen that made OLD a royal PITA for me over the years...

[Gaeta]

7 hours ago, babybrowns said:

It is clear that this guy had zero interest in me

Out of curiosity, how much interest do you want from a man you have not met yet? and with whom you don't want a relationship with?

He asked to delay, I don't see that as a lack of interest. He insisted in meeting you with plenty of time and not just rush through it. 

He should have kept to himself why he needed to delay, beginners error. If your dentist call to delay your appointment are you gonna tell them 'you don't care about me' bs?

Edited October 29, 2021 by Gaeta