To still go on a first date when guy doesn't seem interested in you?

[babybrowns]

40 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

Well ok, the other side of that is, she's stuck in this perpetual stage of dating where she's eliminating prospects left and right.

So maybe she's looking in the wrong places.  You go and date after date and say "next, next, next" the dating pool probably isn't the problem.

If she were dating in the right pool, she wouldn't see dating as a waste of her time.

Yes but that is because I’ve been doing online dating for a number of years and have had heaps of different experiences on the way. One learns how to identify patterns.

Everything about this guy’s behaviour so far is consistent with my previous experiences of men who were just looking for sex and had zero interest in getting to know me as an individual.

The way that this guy is displaying a high level of self-display and a low level of interpersonal interest has been demotivating me. It has made me take longer before replying to him, it’s making my replies get less enthusiastic as well. I mean how much investment can you sustain when there’s zero interest from someone, zero back-and-forth, zero connection?

Despite what I perceive to be clear signs of shallow intentions, I am giving it the benefit of the doubt and trying to keep it going until our date which will be the real test to see whether he is truly interested in building a connection or just trying to seduce.

Edited October 28, 2021 by babybrowns

[poppyfields]

BB, why not simply base whether or not to meet on how YOU feel?  

You said you don't think he is all that interested, how does that make you feel?  

How does him talking about himself and not asking questions make YOU feel?  

You spend so much time trying to determine how HE feels, how interested HE is, what his messages mean, asking others what you should do, to me it's so simple.

Judge by how you feel, if you feel good and positive about him, then go meet him.

If you don't, then don't meet him.

It doesn't even matter whether he is interested or not, what's important is how these initial text exchanges/ interactions make you feel. 

When I did OLD years ago, I talked to around 50 men, but chose to meet only two.  The second became my bf of three years. 

I based my decision to meet on how I felt.  I didn't analyze his messages or behavior, it didn't matter.  All that mattered was how I felt, how interacting with him made ME feel.

What I am sensing is you do NOT have good feelings about him.  

That is your right. No need to be doing backflips attempting to make these negative feelings OK when they're NOT okay.

They are your own feelings, to which you are entitled, feelings are never right or wrong, they simply "are." 

Another women may feel differently.  That's HER.  You're YOU. 

Do what you feel is best for you and again if you don't feel good or positive, then don't meet.  

I didn't feel good or positive about 48 (approx.) of the men I talked to for one reason or another.  It didn't matter.  

I did feel good about two, and the second became a long term boyfriend.

Try to have more faith and trust in your own judgment.  Your own feelings.

You don't need anyone else's approval.  

 

 

 

 

Edited October 28, 2021 by poppyfields

[ShyViolet]

You shouldn't judge him based on some text messages.  Texting is not the same thing as interacting in real life.  I suggest that you go on the date and see whether you have chemistry in person.  If your concerns about him are also true when you meet him in person, then don't go out with him again.

[Pumpernickel]

15 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

You shouldn't judge him based on some text messages.  Texting is not the same thing as interacting in real life.  I suggest that you go on the date and see whether you have chemistry in person.  If your concerns about him are also true when you meet him in person, then don't go out with him again.

This is the most sensible advice and I think you should follow it @babybrowns

[glows]

1 hour ago, babybrowns said:

Despite what I perceive to be clear signs of shallow intentions, I am giving it the benefit of the doubt and trying to keep it going until our date which will be the real test to see whether he is truly interested in building a connection or just trying to seduce.

Isn't everyone trying to seduce.. try not to take it as an affront but a compliment. Be a little more positive about your interactions. Otherwise, it's not a match. I hope the meet up/date goes well.

[poppyfields]

2 hours ago, babybrowns said:

The way that this guy is displaying a high level of self-display and a low level of interpersonal interest has been demotivating me. It has made me take longer before replying to him, it’s making my replies get less enthusiastic as well. I mean how much investment can you sustain when there’s zero interest from someone, zero back-and-forth, zero connection?

See my previous post, but I can almost guarantee with the way you are feeling NOW based on the above, this meet is NOT going to go down well. 

You will walk away shaking your head asking yourself "why the hell did I waste my time, and his"?

Like I said, I felt this way with 99.9% of the men I talked to when I did OLDing.  And don't regret my decision not to meet either!

I have good intuition and there was no way in hell I was going to click with any of those men in person.  Not saying they would not be right for someone else, but they weren't right for me.  Nor I for them most likely.  It's takes two to "click" after all.

And contrary to what many think, you can sense A LOT about a person via messaging and texting.   It's just another form of communicating, and if he's this self-absorbed and you don't have good positive feelings about him and your text exchanges before the in-person meet, it's doubtful that will change during the meet.

He's the same person as he was over text, the same man who talks only about himself, doesn't seem to give a * about you. 

I dunno BB, there is such an abundance of men, why bother with those you don't feel good about?  That was always my philosophy anyway.

That said, it's your call, good luck.  Let us know how it goes.

 

Edited October 28, 2021 by poppyfields

[spiderowl]

21 hours ago, babybrowns said:

Hello all,

I matched with a guy online a few days ago. We got texting, but very soon he started sending me voice messages instead of texting. These voice messages were about him and his life. He sounds relatively decent from first impressions. I also sent him voice notes too. 
He asked me out and we have a first date at the end of the week. We’re going to a bar which his friends owns.

However, a concern I have is that he has so far expressed very little interest in me. He’s not asked me many questions about myself, won’t follow up on information I volunteer, yet he tells me a lot about himself. 

He has also said that he is excited about our first date but he is frank and has said it is “because he’s so excited about checking out that bar that his friend kept telling him about”.

I have floated the question with him on, what is he looking for? His reply was that he wants to get to know someone first and then if things go well, think about taking it further.

My question really is this: even though pre-date interest isn’t there from him, can it build during the date? Can he get interested in me during the date? Or if someone goes in with secretly strong casual intentions, do they just not care about getting to know the other person at all even during the date?

I have been in the latter situation a few times and now at 32, I don’t have anymore motivation to be audience to someone who has no interest in you whatsoever but is just after your body. Not to mention it is boring as hell to sit through a one-sided conversation and I could be doing other things with that evening.

It honestly feels to me like I could be anyone: any anonymous woman with a pretty face and this guy is simply seeking to go out and check out his friend’s bar, possibly with sexual intentions.

Do I give this one the benefit of the doubt? 

Would really appreciate your thoughts   

I would go on one date with him and see if things are any better in person.  He hasn't said or done anything that would be a major red flag, so as long as you take the usual precautions to meet in a public place, take care when you are leaving the venue, park your car somewhere safe and well-lit, etc., there is no harm in seeing how you get on.

However ...

It sounds to me like he is very focused on himself and that dating him could end up being 'all about him'.  There are people like this.  I am sure some of them just haven't learned basic social skills, for some reason, but others are really only interested in holding forth and having an audience.  I guess you will find out.

I would not assume he is just out to seduce you if he only talks about himself.  The two are not necessarily connected: being utterly self-centred just means that he is not interested in other people as much as himself.  It does not necessarily mean he is a lothario, just socially incompetent and egotistical.

Edited October 28, 2021 by spiderowl

[vla1120]

Meet him in person and see if there is any interest. Trust your instincts once you meet. As far as him only talking about himself, maybe he's just clueless as to how to express interest. If he still talks about only himself when you are in person, there is your answer. Best of luck!

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, babybrowns said:

Everything about this guy’s behaviour so far is consistent with my previous experiences of men who were just looking for sex and had zero interest in getting to know me as an individual.

If you don't hook up on the meet no harm, no foul. No one want to "get to know you" through being your textbuddy. No one wants to invest in someone who plays 20 questions, interrogates, wants banal tv chitchat etc. Before meeting. 

 It's actually the other way around. The men may feel jerked men around with this interrogating, stalling, chitchatting, textbuddy thing so much so that they simply 'next' you.

Edited October 29, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
civility

[Alpacalia]

On the date, see how the two of you interact.

You might try to volunteer information about yourself and see if he is interested in learning more.

He may eventually want to know more about you, your likes and dislikes, and so on.

Dating is premised on both people wanting to get to know each other better, at least for an hour or two.

If not, you're simply dating an unsolicited manuscript.

Edited October 28, 2021 by Alpaca

[dramafreezone]

4 hours ago, babybrowns said:

Yes but that is because I’ve been doing online dating for a number of years and have had heaps of different experiences on the way. One learns how to identify patterns.

Everything about this guy’s behaviour so far is consistent with my previous experiences of men who were just looking for sex and had zero interest in getting to know me as an individual.

The way that this guy is displaying a high level of self-display and a low level of interpersonal interest has been demotivating me. It has made me take longer before replying to him, it’s making my replies get less enthusiastic as well. I mean how much investment can you sustain when there’s zero interest from someone, zero back-and-forth, zero connection?

Despite what I perceive to be clear signs of shallow intentions, I am giving it the benefit of the doubt and trying to keep it going until our date which will be the real test to see whether he is truly interested in building a connection or just trying to seduce.

If you're going in with apprehension, then I say it's best to not even go, as it would be a waste of *his* time.  It sounds like you already have your mind made up about him.

Did it ever occur to you that you're showing up in a way that elicits a certain approach from men?  I have to be honest you don't sound like the warmest and most inviting person.  From what you've told me it sounds like it's all about you.  I don't sense much projecting of positive energy that men want to be around.  I and other men want to be around positive, warm, happy women that enjoy life and don't take themselves too seriously.

Closed off women invite one type of guy more often than any other type, and that's the type of guy that sees you as a challenge.  That's not what you want.

Also, maybe online dating isn't for you.  Why not meet people in real life, go out, do things you like to do and meet men that way?  That way you're meeting like-minded people, and you're not starting off in such a guarded posture.

Edited October 28, 2021 by dramafreezone

[poppyfields]

3 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

If you're going in with apprehension, then I say it's best to not even go, as it would be a waste of *his* time.  It sounds like you already have your mind made up about him.

Did it ever occur to you that you're showing up in a way that elicits a certain approach from men?  I have to be honest you don't sound like the warmest and most inviting person.  From what you've told me it sounds like it's all about you.  I don't sense much projecting of positive energy that men want to be around.

I agree with first paragraph.

Second paragraph, I didn't want to be the one to say it, but this is very possible.  

Positive people attract positive experiences.

Negative people attract negative experiences.

There are always exceptions, for example yesterday I unknowingly attracted an extremely negative experience, despite my positive energy.  I mean like really nasty and toxic, so there are people like that in the world.

But for the most part, I would say possessing positive energy, I attract positive people and experiences and have been know to turn a negative experience into a positive as well.

Sadly, I don't see that happening here BB, so again my advice would be to not meet this particular man. 

No matter how you slice and dice, you're not feeling good or positive and that negative energy will follow you into your date, that is typically how these things go.

 

 

[dramafreezone]

There's definitely no sure things no matter how you show up.  Heard a great quote today, something to the effect of "our greatest strengths are interwoven with our weaknesses." 

Even if you're an extremely positive person, that can be a weakness when it comes to meeting men as some unscrupulous types can take advantage of your good nature.

Conversely you can have a very good eye for negative people, but the disadvantage can be that you see negativity in places where it doesn't really exist. 

Having a gut feeling is instinct.  Instinct is necessary for survival, but we shouldn't rely on it exclusively.  Same goes with logic.  Instinct *with* logic helps us to make much better decisions than either one by itself.

Say all of that to say, if her gut feeling is backed by lived experiences, then probably better than she just passes on this guy.  But OP, if you're consistently attracting the wrong type of guy, then at some point you have to consider that there's some weakness in how you're representing yourself that you can work on to improve your results.  Can't continue to do the same thing and expect different results.

[introverted1]

OP said earlier that she is not in a place where she wants a serious relationship.  Yet she seems to be screen men to ascertain their intentions. If what she's after is FWB or casual dating, then why is there so much worry about what the guy's interest level is?  Her  behavior doesn't align with her stated expectations.

[poppyfields]

27 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

There's definitely no sure things no matter how you show up.  Heard a great quote today, something to the effect of "our greatest strengths are interwoven with our weaknesses." 

Even if you're an extremely positive person, that can be a weakness when it comes to meeting men as some unscrupulous types can take advantage of your good nature.

Bolded, I have heard that quote too and it's a great quote!!  Quite profound.   A lot of truth in it.

Second paragraph, agree.  The key is a possessing positive energy tempered with pragmatism/intuition and applying both as one deems appropriate and necessary.  Or even simultaneously.

Having and gaining experience will help one through those hurdles.

 

 

Edited October 28, 2021 by poppyfields

[poppyfields]

8 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

OP said earlier that she is not in a place where she wants a serious relationship.  Yet she seems to be screen men to ascertain their intentions. If what she's after is FWB or casual dating, then why is there so much worry about what the guy's interest level is?  Her  behavior doesn't align with her stated expectations.

EGO.   She wants to be the one to call the shots -- to either accept or reject.

Edited October 28, 2021 by poppyfields

[Alpacalia]

1 hour ago, dramafreezone said:

Heard a great quote today, something to the effect of "our greatest strengths are interwoven with our weaknesses." 

That's nice.

I also like the proverb "listen or your tongue will keep you deaf."

1 hour ago, dramafreezone said:

That way you're meeting like-minded people, and you're not starting off in such a guarded posture.

This I agree with too.

1 hour ago, dramafreezone said:

I mean how much investment can you sustain when there’s zero interest from someone, zero back-and-forth, zero connection?

Okay, so see how it goes on the date OP.

But if you're not feeling it, don't force yourself either.

[Gaeta]

I've been to plenty of dates with men l was half interested and suddenly became interested after meeting them.

The real test is meeting. Don't try to gadge people without meeting them.

I agree you expect a lot from men you don't even want a relationship from.

[babybrowns]

Hello everyone 

Whilst I very much appreciate all your guidance, I would just like to point something out. Since all of us members on here tend to only come on here when needing help from a difficult situation, it would not be deemed accurate or fair to judge one’s personality from when they are expressing a problem and starting a thread on here. That would for one, give a very skewed impression and make everyone on LS seem negative and withdrawn.

I am a little surprised by some of the recent comments on this thread, since my personality when around friends and family is in fact the opposite of what some are saying on this thread.  

However, when I am getting bad vibes from a man, vibes concurrent with previous experiences that I have gone into blindly with my default ‘good-naturedness’, I have been bitten. In one case, literally.

This has made me hold back a lot when I sense that a man isn’t actually interested in me, or isn’t there for the right reasons. I don’t want to give myself away and lower my (once upon a time consistently low) guard  to someone who doesn’t even care about me or who I am/ represent.

At present, due to this man’s apparent self-absorption, yes it is making me hold back from giving my energies too much in that direction. Seeing him in person on a date might change that, if he gives me reason to open up more and express myself. If it ends up being a one-man show for 2 hours, that’ll indeed stop me from seeing him again. But it’ll not stop me from being polite and gracious on the date, just not motivating enough for me to be my real self around him when he genuinely doesn’t care about who I am but rather just wants an audience.

I have dated this category of men before, politely sat through hours of self-absorbed talk with little interest thrown back in my direction, and the agenda from these specific men had been the same: let’s big ourselves up enough to get in to bed with her and then call it quits.

That is why, I came on here for help. I’m aware that i have recently cancelled a few first dates based on bad vibes I have got through pre-date communication. Poppyfields you are absolutely right that it is about our feelings. If we don’t feel good before a situation, we might not go in with the right vibe anyway.

Have previous bad experiences amplified my screening process before a date, yes, have they made it too rigid, in some cases yes.

But for this situation, which I was on the fence about cancelling, I wanted to float it with members on here as to take more time and reflect more before making a decision.

My final decision is, I will go on the date. His voice messages, although very one-track about him mostly, do have signs that a frank, decent, guy is behind them. I have hope that a frank, decent guy might get interested in getting to know someone he is out with. I will try to go in with an open heart rather than a feeling of anticipation of being merely a piece of furniture! 

Edited October 29, 2021 by babybrowns

[Gaeta]

You don't have to stay 2 hours on a date if it's not enjoyable. Give it 30-45 mins. Only go for a coffee, don't get into dinner or anything that would keep you there.

[babybrowns]

3 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

You don't have to stay 2 hours on a date if it's not enjoyable. Give it 30-45 mins. Only go for a coffee, don't get into dinner or anything that would keep you there.

Yes, you see I just find it difficult/ impolite sometimes to leave a date early unless it’s *really* bad!

[poppyfields]

26 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

I've been to plenty of dates with men l was half interested and suddenly became interested after meeting them.

The real test is meeting. Don't try to gadge people without meeting them.

I agree you expect a lot from men you don't even want a relationship from.

Not invalidating your experience Gaeta, but way back when before I became more discerning with OLDing, I did same as you, I met men even when not interested, got a bad vibe or whatever.

In literally ALL those cases, I walked away shaking my head saying to myself "why didn't I just listen to my intuition"?

Mine is highly tuned, I can literally feel when a man and I will click from simply gauging how we interact via messaging. 

Some people have that ability, some don't.  I get the sense from BB that SHE does which is why she appears so picky but perhaps she is picking something up, a bad vibe or energy, like I always did.

I think we should encourage BB to use her own judgment and trust her own intuition. 

From everything I have read on this thread, there is so much disinterest from her about this guy, I cannot imagine that changing when meeting in person.

In fact, enough of these negative experiences may not only turn her off to OLDing altogether like it did me, but it will negatively affect her own energy, which I sense is happening now, or beginning to.  Causing bitterness and resentment.   NOT GOOD.

Weed 'em out early BB, focus on the men you feel good about, who you are looking forward to meeting!

Not men you feel such bad vibes with, huge waste of time and energy, both yours and his.

Edited October 29, 2021 by poppyfields

[dramafreezone]

32 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

48 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

 

Not invalidating your experience Gaeta, but way back when before I became more discerning with OLDing, I did same as you, I met men even when not interested, got a bad vibe or whatever.

In literally ALL those cases, I walked away shaking my head saying to myself "why didn't I just listen to my intuition"?

Mine is highly tuned, I can literally feel when a man and I will click from simply gauging how we interact via messaging. 

Some people have that ability, some don't.  I get the sense from BB that SHE does which is why she appears so picky but perhaps she is picking something up, a bad vibe or energy, like I always did.

I think we should encourage BB to use her own judgment and trust her own intuition. 

I agree, if you go into a date with a bad feeling, then you might as well not do it at all, but not for the same reasons.  I think she shouldn't do it because she's going in with a bias.  It's only natural for us to look for clues to confirm what we want to believe.  The guy is starting off with two strikes before they even sit down to talk.  He's got to do everything perfect to overcome her "bad feeling."  One shoelace is a bit longer than the other, he's out of there.

Our intuition is wrong all the time, but we tend to only remember when it's right.  We have hundreds of microdecisions to make every day and every week, and many times our expectations of what to expect were not met by reality.  Also our intuition has no interest in finding a life long partner or a healthy relationship.  It's only interested in our most immediate needs and urges.

That's one reason why I like to keep pre-date chatter to a minimum, best to go in with no expectations.

Edited October 29, 2021 by dramafreezone

[poppyfields]

12 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

I agree, if you go into a date with a bad feeling, then you might as well not do it at all, but not for the same reasons.  I think she shouldn't do it because she's going in with a bias.  It's only natural for us to look for clues to confirm what we want to believe.  The guy is starting off with two strikes before they even sit down to talk.  He's got to do everything perfect to overcome her "bad feeling."  One shoelace is a bit longer than the other, he's out of there.

Our intuition is wrong all the time, but we tend to only remember when it's right.  We have hundreds of microdecisions to make every day and every week, and many times our expectations of what to expect were not met by reality.  Also our intuition has no interest in finding a life long partner or a healthy relationship.  It's only interested in our most immediate needs and urges.

That's one reason why I like to keep pre-date chatter to a minimum, best to go in with no expectations.

I actually think we agree on the reasons.  Yes she has a bias like you said and thus will unconsciously look for things to confirm that bias.

But also because walking in with such negative energy, SHE won't be at her best either.  How could she possibly expect to click with a man and develop a mutual attraction carrying such negative energy?

Her negative energy will shine through loud and clear, he will sense it, it will affect HIS own energy; there is nothing good or positive that could possibly result from that.

Edited October 29, 2021 by poppyfields

[Versacehottie]

9 hours ago, JRabbit said:

Yeah I guess, personally I don't think I would be happy wasting an hr of my life to hang out with someone who is only interested in themselves.

OP has a history of imagining those things though..in her fear of dating/anxiety about it.  She could talk herself out of almost any date. 

IMO, she'd be best served to go as a personal challenge to herself.  She's certainly wasted many hours on here complaining about these guys that she never goes out with so might as well go and grow her dating experience because her internal mechanisms are failing her.  It doesn't mean this guy is perfect but she's certainly not going to fall in love with anyone sitting on her couch, repeatedly matching with guys on the apps only to subsequently find any and every reason to dismiss them, and simultaneously be stuck in limbo for her life choices.  Anyone who's gone through psych 101 can see what she is doing. Sorry, bb but it's a wake up call.