To still go on a first date when guy doesn't seem interested in you?

[babybrowns]

Hello all,

I matched with a guy online a few days ago. We got texting, but very soon he started sending me voice messages instead of texting. These voice messages were about him and his life. He sounds relatively decent from first impressions. I also sent him voice notes too. 
He asked me out and we have a first date at the end of the week. We’re going to a bar which his friends owns.

However, a concern I have is that he has so far expressed very little interest in me. He’s not asked me many questions about myself, won’t follow up on information I volunteer, yet he tells me a lot about himself. 

He has also said that he is excited about our first date but he is frank and has said it is “because he’s so excited about checking out that bar that his friend kept telling him about”.

I have floated the question with him on, what is he looking for? His reply was that he wants to get to know someone first and then if things go well, think about taking it further.

My question really is this: even though pre-date interest isn’t there from him, can it build during the date? Can he get interested in me during the date? Or if someone goes in with secretly strong casual intentions, do they just not care about getting to know the other person at all even during the date?

I have been in the latter situation a few times and now at 32, I don’t have anymore motivation to be audience to someone who has no interest in you whatsoever but is just after your body. Not to mention it is boring as hell to sit through a one-sided conversation and I could be doing other things with that evening.

It honestly feels to me like I could be anyone: any anonymous woman with a pretty face and this guy is simply seeking to go out and check out his friend’s bar, possibly with sexual intentions.

Do I give this one the benefit of the doubt? 

Would really appreciate your thoughts   

[Wiseman2]

6 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

We got texting, but very soon he started sending me voice messages instead of texting. These voice messages were about him and his life.

Were they canned bios that he sends to everyone? Voice notes are a lateral move as far as texting goes. Go meet.

Otherwise you'll get stuck trying to deliberate if you like him from texts and VMs, when the point is moot unless you meet and see if you have chemistry.

Interviewing people this much before meeting doesn't yield much except the kind of vague responses you're getting . Why? Because he hasn't met you..

[babybrowns]

10 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Were they canned bios that he sends to everyone? Voice notes are a lateral move as far as texting goes. Go meet.

Otherwise you'll get stuck trying to deliberate if you like him from texts and VMs, when the point is moot unless you meet and see if you have chemistry.

Interviewing people this much before meeting doesn't yield much except the kind of vague responses you're getting . Why? Because he hasn't met you..

Thanks for your post. The point though is that, when I’m asking him something, he is giving expansive responses. He is just not topping that off with putting the question back on me.

And when I volunteer something about myself, he doesn’t go into it, rather flips it back onto him and something similar/better that he has done.

His only question to me is “what are you up to?”

And an example of a conversation:

Him: “What are you up to this evening?”

Me: “Well luckily,  Monday night is the night that all my favourite shows are on so gonna have a TV night tonight! {Plus I ask him a question about himself}.

His reply: Only answers the question and goes into a ramble about himself, doesn’t even ask me about ‘what’ those favourite shows of mine that I refer to are. 

I’m not sure whether he is genuinely looking forward to meeting me or literally he just wants to go out and have some company. From the texting and voice messages, there is little flirting, no compliments, and he’s not addressing me in the slightest.

If I’m honest, I’m not at a time in my life that I want to get into a serious relationship. However, I do want to spend an evening with someone whom I can have a 2-way conversation with, this guy just doesn’t seem like someone I will have a fun evening with. It’s almost like he just wants an audience to ramble/offload to.

He does seem like a decent guy though, and he seems very frank, the issue is he’s just not interested in me. What’s on my mind is whether a date will change that or whether it’ll be an unenjoyable waste of time and we’ll just be friends on the date. 

Edited October 27, 2021 by babybrowns

[stillafool]

Can't you just go on the date and try to have fun without talking about where "this" is going and "what" is he looking for.  His answer was right because you have to date someone first, get to know them and then decide if you're compatible physically and emotonally before you decide to make it exclusive.  You wear yourself out with all of these questons before you even meet a guy and decide whether you even like him or not.  Just relax and enjoy the ride.  Maybe when you meet in person you can lead the conversation by talking about yourself.

[babybrowns]

5 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Can't you just go on the date and try to have fun without talking about where "this" is going and "what" is he looking for.  His answer was right because you have to date someone first, get to know them and then decide if you're compatible physically and emotonally before you decide to make it exclusive.  You wear yourself out with all of these questons before you even meet a guy and decide whether you even like him or not.  Just relax and enjoy the ride.  Maybe when you meet in person you can lead the conversation by talking about yourself.

Sure and I am working on taking things more light-heartedly in the early stages of dating. I am just someone who values my time a lot and having wasted it on guys who were just looking to mess around with many women on the go in the past, I’d rather not dedicate an evening to that. Hence I’d just like to hear what others have to say on this before I decide to go ahead/ cancel.

[stillafool]

1 minute ago, babybrowns said:

I’d rather not dedicate an evening to that.

Well if your time is so filled up that you can't sacrifice an evening with this guy just cancel the date.  You already sound sour about it anyway.

[Foxhall]

Yes you are quite intuitive I guess, it could be called overthinking but I suspect your not far off the mark either most times!

Sure no harm to meet him anyway for an hour, see how it goes,

have an escape route planned , but go with an open mind.

[Gaeta]

Maybe it's nervousness on his part. After a drink he may loosen up a bit and become fun.

 

[babybrowns]

I guess a good way to judge his intentions is, if he frequently chats to his friend who works in the bar instead of me during the evening 

[princessaurora]

Some people are much better conversers in person rather than on text messages. Just stick with a date and see how it goes.

[Pumpernickel]

You already said that he is or sounds like a decent guy so give him a chance in person. I mean this guy doesn’t know you from Adam, so what do you expect from him? I think it’s cool that he invites you out to a bar that his friend owns. It sounds like a fun evening - look forward to it!

I do hear you on the issue of him talking about himself all the time l, and not asking many questions. That would turn me off a little bit as well. But I feel like he’s making an effort to communicate, as he sends voice messages rather than plain texts. Maybe by doing this he wants to establish some closeness before your date?!? We obviously don’t know this, but I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt and then I judge them later after I have met them in person. Look at it that way: most people are jerks and idiots and bores online anyway, so with him you have a guy who does things differently. At least he’s got something to say. 
Yes, it’s about him most of the time, but at least he’s not debilitatingly boring. He keeps the communication flowing. And he might be even better in person.

[dramafreezone]

2 hours ago, babybrowns said:

He has also said that he is excited about our first date but he is frank and has said it is “because he’s so excited about checking out that bar that his friend kept telling him about”.

I have floated the question with him on, what is he looking for? His reply was that he wants to get to know someone first and then if things go well, think about taking it further.

My question really is this: even though pre-date interest isn’t there from him, can it build during the date? Can he get interested in me during the date? Or if someone goes in with secretly strong casual intentions, do they just not care about getting to know the other person at all even during the date?

I have been in the latter situation a few times and now at 32, I don’t have anymore motivation to be audience to someone who has no interest in you whatsoever but is just after your body. Not to mention it is boring as hell to sit through a one-sided conversation and I could be doing other things with that evening.

It honestly feels to me like I could be anyone: any anonymous woman with a pretty face and this guy is simply seeking to go out and check out his friend’s bar, possibly with sexual intentions.

I think that due to your negative experiences in the past you're approaching this with far too much of an apprehensive mindset.

I think his mindset is 100% the way it should be.  I approach dates with a "let's see what happens."  If you approach the date like a job interview, you're looking for red flags, that energy is going to be apparent and you'll sabatoge yourself.

He doesn't know you, why should he be doing backflips already?  You get to know each other on the date.  What's wrong with just going on the date, having fun and seeing what happens?  30 minutes, if the chemistry is not there just say that and be on your way.  You don't have 30 minutes?

Dating is supposed to be FUN, not a race to get into a relationship.  You don't want to date, look into arranged marriages.  Until then, the possibility of bad dates is the cost of doing business.

Edited October 27, 2021 by dramafreezone

[introverted1]

2 hours ago, babybrowns said:

If I’m honest, I’m not at a time in my life that I want to get into a serious relationship.

Have you told him this? 

 

[Fox Sake]

3 hours ago, babybrowns said:

Hello all,

I matched with a guy online a few days ago. We got texting, but very soon he started sending me voice messages instead of texting. These voice messages were about him and his life. He sounds relatively decent from first impressions. I also sent him voice notes too. 
He asked me out and we have a first date at the end of the week. We’re going to a bar which his friends owns.

However, a concern I have is that he has so far expressed very little interest in me. He’s not asked me many questions about myself, won’t follow up on information I volunteer, yet he tells me a lot about himself. 

He has also said that he is excited about our first date but he is frank and has said it is “because he’s so excited about checking out that bar that his friend kept telling him about”.

I have floated the question with him on, what is he looking for? His reply was that he wants to get to know someone first and then if things go well, think about taking it further.

My question really is this: even though pre-date interest isn’t there from him, can it build during the date? Can he get interested in me during the date? Or if someone goes in with secretly strong casual intentions, do they just not care about getting to know the other person at all even during the date?

I have been in the latter situation a few times and now at 32, I don’t have anymore motivation to be audience to someone who has no interest in you whatsoever but is just after your body. Not to mention it is boring as hell to sit through a one-sided conversation and I could be doing other things with that evening.

It honestly feels to me like I could be anyone: any anonymous woman with a pretty face and this guy is simply seeking to go out and check out his friend’s bar, possibly with sexual intentions.

Do I give this one the benefit of the doubt? 

Would really appreciate your thoughts   

Just food for thought. It’s entirely possible that he is a decent person but his confidence towards you is a front. He could be trying to sell himself because he has been hurt before , made to feel low value. Therefor he’s not asking anything about you. He wants to know that you are actually interested in him or will accept or are interested in things about him. I can’t help but feel the whole “can’t wait to check the friends bar out” part could have been some stupid childish advice from a friend…”treat em mean keep em keeen” sort of thing. 
 

of course , all just speculation though. You really won’t know unless you go on the date- which I say why hell wouldn’t you?! It’s a first date! Go and find out who he is and what he’s actually all about. I hope his bravado bs doesn’t continue through the date . If it does you should call out that behaviour immediately and then see. You never know what’s under the outer layer unless you peel it off. 

[Alvi]

4 hours ago, babybrowns said:

We got texting, but very soon he started sending me voice messages instead of texting. These voice messages were about him and his life.

I am not sure how you actually send someone a voice message but it is probably too much. Next time keep texting to a minimum  and maybe have a phone call before arranging a meeting. Anything else is just not necessary and actually might give you a wrong impression about what a person is actually like and about his or her level of interest. I had plenty of misunderstanding on both sides with texting, phoning, etc... Nothing is real till you meet. Just remember that.

Yeah, go meet with him. What the worst that can happen, right? lol

 Since you are not looking for anything serious for now so why are you bothered that he might not be into you?

4 hours ago, babybrowns said:

My question really is this: even though pre-date interest isn’t there from him, can it build during the date?

You have no idea what his level of interest is till you actually meet in person. 

[Versacehottie]

4 hours ago, stillafool said:

Can't you just go on the date and try to have fun without talking about where "this" is going and "what" is he looking for.  His answer was right because you have to date someone first, get to know them and then decide if you're compatible physically and emotonally before you decide to make it exclusive.  You wear yourself out with all of these questons before you even meet a guy and decide whether you even like him or not.  Just relax and enjoy the ride.  Maybe when you meet in person you can lead the conversation by talking about yourself.

yeah, you are doing it again......

at a bare minimum, you need to accept that not everyone will approach these initial conversations just like you do or like you think they should...I'd imagine if we were to grill you, you don't even have a singular expectation of what that would be exactly...only the need to analyze and nitpick beginning stages to death in a futile attempt to remove all risk. 

Just go on the date.  He is probably saving good chatting for the date (IMO, as he should/you should)...and even if he doesn't and is boring or not interesting to you on the date then you just don't accept the second date....it really is that simple.

Edited October 28, 2021 by Versacehottie

[chillii]

l think he'll turn out to be exactly what he's shown to be so far. There's nothing intuitive about someone so self centered and showing no interest in you , that's just in your face, pretty simple.

But eh , if your not after a relationship then maybe that;s all you need anyway, some shallow chump to entertain you.

Edited October 28, 2021 by chillii

[glows]

8 hours ago, babybrowns said:

I have floated the question with him on, what is he looking for? His reply was that he wants to get to know someone first and then if things go well, think about taking it further.

My question really is this: even though pre-date interest isn’t there from him, can it build during the date? Can he get interested in me during the date? Or if someone goes in with secretly strong casual intentions, do they just not care about getting to know the other person at all even during the date?

His response seems fine. You'll find out more in person. You seem nervous and trying to convince yourself not to meet with him or burnt out. Go on the date and keep it within a reasonable time span. 

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, babybrowns said:

 He asked me out and we have a first date at the end of the week. 

Step back from the interviewing. Speak in person. Texting is not dating. Dating is dating. Have fun on the date.

[ajequals]

It sounds to me that dating has made you very impatient.  You want to know every piece of information  first to decide if you even want to go out . Try and make this about having fun instead of meeting a checklist on the first date. This guy sound to me like he is doing his best to paint a good picture of himself which tells me he's trying his best not to sabotage the prospect before it even begins..questions should be saved till you see if there's an interest . enjoy yourself. 

[Blind-Sided]

"Modern" communication is not for everyone.  AND... not everyone is good at communication in every form.   Give him the benefit of the doubt... and have a drink with him. Don't judge until you are face-to-face.  If nothing else... it gets you out of the house. 

[JRabbit]

9 hours ago, chillii said:

l think he'll turn out to be exactly what he's shown to be so far. There's nothing intuitive about someone so self centered and showing no interest in you , that's just in your face, pretty simple.

But eh , if your not after a relationship then maybe that;s all you need anyway, some shallow chump to entertain you.

I agree...why waste your time when the signs are all there? You shouldn't have to peel back layers to see someone for who are they when they present it right in front of you.

A good question to ask yourself is - does he seem genuine? IMO your description tells me no, he isn't. He can't even be bothered to ask you anything about yourself.  It's not like its because of modern communication as suggested, he is just fine to text you long rambling replies about himself. He is selfish and not worried about your life details. When people show you who they are, believe them.

[Alvi]

38 minutes ago, JRabbit said:

I agree...why waste your time when the signs are all there? You shouldn't have to peel back layers to see someone for who are they when they present it right in front of you.

A good question to ask yourself is - does he seem genuine? IMO your description tells me no, he isn't. He can't even be bothered to ask you anything about yourself.  It's not like its because of modern communication as suggested, he is just fine to text you long rambling replies about himself. He is selfish and not worried about your life details. When people show you who they are, believe them.

It's not like she is going to marry him. Going on s single date is not going to do much harm as long as she is going to meet him in a safe public place. Even if they don't click, she can learn about this new person and about his way of life. 

[JRabbit]

9 minutes ago, Alvi said:

It's not like she is going to marry him. Going on s single date is not going to do much harm as long as she is going to meet him in a safe public place. Even if they don't click, she can learn about this new person and about his way of life. 

Yeah I guess, personally I don't think I would be happy wasting an hr of my life to hang out with someone who is only interested in themselves.

[dramafreezone]

52 minutes ago, JRabbit said:

I agree...why waste your time when the signs are all there? You shouldn't have to peel back layers to see someone for who are they when they present it right in front of you.

A good question to ask yourself is - does he seem genuine? IMO your description tells me no, he isn't. He can't even be bothered to ask you anything about yourself.  It's not like its because of modern communication as suggested, he is just fine to text you long rambling replies about himself. He is selfish and not worried about your life details. When people show you who they are, believe them.

Well ok, the other side of that is, she's stuck in this perpetual stage of dating where she's eliminating prospects left and right.

So maybe she's looking in the wrong places.  You go and date after date and say "next, next, next" the dating pool probably isn't the problem.

If she were dating in the right pool, she wouldn't see dating as a waste of her time.