Working on REALLY Letting Go. Finally

[vla1120]

A brief synopsis - I was married for 32 years. We divorced 8 years ago. He did a number on me. When I told him I was leaving in July 8 years ago, he asked me to stay until December to give him time to save money for his own place. When he started spending the night at his gf's house, I decided I wasn't giving him until December. I left. They've been together for 8 years now. During that time, I married a man with terminal cancer. He passed last year. That experience was a whole set of threads by itself. 

Now, I am single and I am happily not dating. I've taken this year + to do some self-care, bought a house, adopted a dog, started volunteering to help kids again, all in all, I feel fine, but I have realized I jumped into a tumultuous relationship and was distracted by taking care of my ill husband. Therefore, maybe I never really took the time to look for closure in the case of my 32-year marriage. The ex's gf is very insecure and jealous and he is not allowed to have contact with me. When there has been contact - for our grown daughters, one of whom has some mental health issues, it has caused problems for him. He decided recently there will be no more contact, ever, because any contact with me creates problems in his relationship with the gf. That's fine. The only way he ever knew what was going on with our daughters was because of me. Two of them refuse contact with him because of her. While I would like my daughters to have a healthy relationship with their father, I have no control over that. They are grown women. It just frustrates me. 

Recently, his boss at a local weather office asked if I would be interested in working there part time.  He knows I am a Navy trained meteorological technician (though I haven't done it for 40 years). I jumped at the opportunity because it's a great paying part time job and I am getting ready to retire. Since the ex gets half my pension, this will help make up for it. He and I will rarely, if ever, see one another because of the different shifts we work, and I only work on the weekends, at this point. 

I've known the guys he works with for decades, as long as he has worked there. When I was relieving one of them the other night, he started telling me things that my ex has said. Some of them were about me (and rolled right off my back), but some of them are just these bizarre stories he's told to make himself look better. For example, when he was stationed on a ship, supposedly Navy Seal snipers that were on the ship for a mission asked him to join them because they heard he was a good sniper. You don't have to know much of anything about Navy policy to know that's a bunch of malarkey. That was the most egregious story. He also could have been a professional bowler, football and baseball player. He was a good athlete, but I don't remember him getting scouted by pro teams. I don't understand why a grown 65-yr-old man needs to make up stories.

Anyways, all of it just drives me nuts. It drives me nuts that he allows his insecure girlfriend to control him (she's thrilled he has no contact with two of his daughters because she wants him all to herself.) It drives me nuts that he was such a loving, involved father (coached their teams, performed as Drosselmeyer in the annual Nutcracker performance with them, etc.) and now he has no relationship with two of our daughters. It drives me nuts to know that he has to make up stories about his life. I wonder if he'll curtail those fantasy stories at work, now that he knows they can verify them with me. Don't tell me to leave that job. No way. It pays too well and it will help me make up for 1/2 the pension he and his girlfriend will be living on when I retire.

What I need to do is learn to get over the past. I'm filling my time with two jobs, plus volunteering in my spare time, and yet, I still have time to lay awake at night and stew about all of this. Ugh. 

I've done research and I am trying to employ some (most) of the recommendations for getting over the past. I think it is in my nature to want to revisit a situation until I feel I have closure, and I do not, in this case. (But I need to get over it.)

What are some things you've done that have helped you get over a failed relationship?

[glows]

He may come to regret his decisions later on as a father but that is out of your hands. Your daughters seem very mature and have accepted that their father is the way he is. I can't speak for anyone else but I began to shift my attention elsewhere to things that matter to me. Your volunteering and new work opportunity will help you with that. So will maintaining your friendships and being a good friend to those who have helped you through your divorce. I'd limit time spent with the employee/individual who likes to storytell. Remember that information comes at a price and I'd wonder why he's offering those stories about your ex or able to wag his tongue so loosely. It shows no discretion at all or integrity telling random stories at work like that of someone else, gossiping. 

Keep working on your life and cultivating more and more things that you enjoy doing. Share it with the ones you love.

[healing light]

Okay, so I don't know how out there you are willing to go, but I find EFT (emotional freedom technique) to be incredibly helpful. You can find free videos online to figure out how to do it and learn in about 10-15 minutes. You will essentially be tapping a series of acupressure points while thinking about the trauma or irritations you've been through and I've personally found it to be helpful to let go of some of the visceral tension around an issue. There are slight variations of it, some that incorporate eye movements similar to EMDR, but I recommend checking out Brad Yates in particular. I've read EFT has been used by the VA to help vets with PTSD, so there's that, too. 

And yeah, sorry, I find controlling partners to be one of my biggest pet peeves, especially being on the receiving end of many friendships lost to possessive women when I wouldn't have even conceived of their man in that way. So I can only imagine if it were the father of my children being subjected to this ridiculousness. 

[vla1120]

On 11/8/2021 at 7:52 PM, healing light said:

Okay, so I don't know how out there you are willing to go, but I find EFT (emotional freedom technique) to be incredibly helpful. You can find free videos online to figure out how to do it and learn in about 10-15 minutes. You will essentially be tapping a series of acupressure points while thinking about the trauma or irritations you've been through and I've personally found it to be helpful to let go of some of the visceral tension around an issue. There are slight variations of it, some that incorporate eye movements similar to EMDR, but I recommend checking out Brad Yates in particular. I've read EFT has been used by the VA to help vets with PTSD, so there's that, too. 

And yeah, sorry, I find controlling partners to be one of my biggest pet peeves, especially being on the receiving end of many friendships lost to possessive women when I wouldn't have even conceived of their man in that way. So I can only imagine if it were the father of my children being subjected to this ridiculousness. 

Thank you for the suggestion @healing light. I will be trying this. It's been almost a month and I still find myself thinking about this issue too much. I know it's because the holiday season is upon us and it bothers me that my girls will not be spending time with their father. My own father left the family when I was three. I was always happy that I chose a man who was very involved in the daily lives and upbringing of our daughters, so to have this estrangement between them now frustrates me. I realize it is 100% between them. I just need to stop thinking about it! I hope EFT helps.  I've recommended it to my own daughter when she is struggling with PTSD, so I know its value.

[stillafool]

On 10/25/2021 at 11:56 AM, vla1120 said:

What are some things you've done that have helped you get over a failed relationship?

Exactly what you're doing.  Moving on with life and staying very busy.