emerald86 Posted October 23, 2021 Posted October 23, 2021 About 5 months ago, I met a guy through OLD. I was actually out of town when we started messaging, so we texted/video chatted for nearly 4 months before meeting in person, which is when I moved back. My interest at the beginning was pretty minimal to be honest, but he kept texting me, asked to video chat, etc. He was the one who initiated most of the conversations. The more we talked over text, phone, and video, the more I started to like him. Of course, because we hadn't met in person yet, I hadn't developed any strong feelings or anything - but I did enjoy talking to him. Fast forward 4 months, he continued to text me pretty repeatedly, asking how I liked being back in town and kept telling me that it would be great to meet in person. We didn't end up meeting in person until 3 weeks after I moved back, because every week something seemed to come up for him - he had to work late, had some family obligation, etc. But he kept letting me know that he was interested in meeting me and really wanted to meet in person. I'm naturally a skeptical person, so I came to the conclusion that his interest in me wasn't as strong and so I decided not to initiate any more texts or calls - but if I didn't initiate, he always would. The last time we met in person was 4 weeks ago. He told me that he had gotten sick and was feeling miserable, and that's why he couldn't meet up with me. He texted me everyday explaining what was going on with him and how everyone in his family had gotten sick too. I suppose it's possible that he genuinely was sick for this long, but I have a hard time believing that he just doesn't want to see me. Once again, I told myself that I would forget him and not reach out anymore. But the problem is, if I don't reach out for a day or two, he always reaches out to me. He'll ask me what's going on, how's my day been, what I've been up to, etc. He does this almost everyday, yet he never makes any plans to meet up, and I'm not sure whether I should ask, given that he's still supposedly sick. Our in person dates have been wonderful. I've felt the chemistry, and conversation with him was so much fun. He asks me a lot of questions about myself and really seems to care. After getting dinner or whatever, he'd always ask if I wanted to do something else afterwards and when it was time to leave, he'd ask if I was free to meet up some time in the next few days. But somehow, it always ends up being weeks between dates even though we text every single day. This is frustrating to me, because I would love to see him more often. I'm sort of concluding that if he were more interested in me, we'd meet up in person way more often, and so I tell myself that I'm just going to forget him and move on - but it's hard to move on when he's reaching out to me over text nearly everyday. What should I do about this? Would it be worth it to have a conversation with him explaining how I feel, or is it really better to just forget him and move on?
Wiseman2 Posted October 23, 2021 Posted October 23, 2021 5 hours ago, emerald86 said: . We didn't end up meeting in person until 3 weeks after I moved back, because every week something seemed to come up for him - Sorry this is happening. So many red flags from communicating for months to seeking out a distance thing to being perpetually too busy. Is he married/in another relationship? Basically he's a timewaster. Why be frustrated? Delete and block him so you can move forward to someone who is into you. No one is too busy for what's important to them. 2
Author emerald86 Posted October 23, 2021 Author Posted October 23, 2021 7 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: Sorry this is happening. So many red flags from communicating for months to seeking out a distance thing to being perpetually too busy. Is he married/in another relationship? Basically he's a timewaster. Why be frustrated? Delete and block him so you can move forward to someone who is into you. No one is too busy for what's important to them. Yeah, this is also what I'm thinking. But not really sure what to do since he keeps texting me. Does it make sense to ask him what he's looking for, or have some sort of conversation with him? If he wasn't texting me so often, I'd be able let this go more easily. 1
stillafool Posted October 23, 2021 Posted October 23, 2021 I don't understand why you can't simply tell him that you would like to see him more often. If not, and this isn't working for you, then tell him so and end it. 2
Wiseman2 Posted October 23, 2021 Posted October 23, 2021 (edited) 1 hour ago, emerald86 said: not really sure what to do since he keeps texting me. It's lazy, doesn't cost anything and he may be texting on the toilet. So no real investment from him, right? Next time he texts ask him if he's on the toilet, see how he responds. Edited October 23, 2021 by Wiseman2 1
Alvi Posted October 24, 2021 Posted October 24, 2021 19 hours ago, emerald86 said: Fast forward 4 months, he continued to text me pretty repeatedly, asking how I liked being back in town and kept telling me that it would be great to meet in person. We didn't end up meeting in person until 3 weeks after I moved back, because every week something seemed to come up for him - he had to work late, had some family obligation, etc. But he kept letting me know that he was interested in meeting me and really wanted to meet in person. I'm naturally a skeptical person, so I came to the conclusion that his interest in me wasn't as strong and so I decided not to initiate any more texts or calls - but if I didn't initiate, he always would. The last time we met in person was 4 weeks ago. He told me that he had gotten sick and was feeling miserable, and that's why he couldn't meet up with me. He texted me everyday explaining what was going on with him and how everyone in his family had gotten sick too. I suppose it's possible that he genuinely was sick for this long, but I have a hard time believing that he just doesn't want to see me. Once again, I told myself that I would forget him and not reach out anymore. But the problem is, if I don't reach out for a day or two, he always reaches out to me. He'll ask me what's going on, how's my day been, what I've been up to, etc. He does this almost everyday, yet he never makes any plans to meet up, and I'm not sure whether I should ask, given that he's still supposedly sick. Excuse after excuse after excuse. lol Nobody is THAT busy. Are you sure he is actually single? Or maybe he just seeks a companionship and wants to date casually. Maybe he just wants to keep you on the shelf ready and available just in case. Texting doesn't really mean that much. It is pretty easy and lazy. Words and promises are cheap. Look at his actions or rather lack of any actions as in your case. 19 hours ago, emerald86 said: This is frustrating to me, because I would love to see him more often. That's understandable. It's like you are living in some sort of a limbo. No clarity whatsoever about your situation. You are very patient to let it go on for so long. But wait no more. Tell him that you would like to meet more often and see what he says and most importantly what he does. If he is still all about text and no meet after you tell him about how you feel, move on. Seriously, block him and never look back if things don't improve. 1
chillii Posted October 24, 2021 Posted October 24, 2021 9 hours ago, emerald86 said: Yeah, this is also what I'm thinking. But not really sure what to do since he keeps texting me. Does it make sense to ask him what he's looking for, or have some sort of conversation with him? If he wasn't texting me so often, I'd be able let this go more easily. Op , of course it makes sense, makes no sense not to. Just talk about things you've talked about here and wth is he doing in all of this, somethings not right. Especially the way he does all the question and convo stuff the way you describe, that sounds straight out of a script. He's stringing it along for some weird reason maybe he's married or with someone or something but no one really wanting a relationship is going to think this is what that is, they'd want more, of course!
ExpatInItaly Posted October 24, 2021 Posted October 24, 2021 I would have little interest in trying to date someone who is evidently not really available to date. Next.
ShyViolet Posted October 24, 2021 Posted October 24, 2021 This guy is either married, in a relationship, extremely lazy, or not that interested in you. No one is that busy. I would grow tired of his excuses REAL fast. 3
spiderowl Posted October 25, 2021 Posted October 25, 2021 (edited) On 10/23/2021 at 5:30 AM, emerald86 said: This is frustrating to me, because I would love to see him more often. I'm sort of concluding that if he were more interested in me, we'd meet up in person way more often, and so I tell myself that I'm just going to forget him and move on - but it's hard to move on when he's reaching out to me over text nearly everyday. What should I do about this? Would it be worth it to have a conversation with him explaining how I feel, or is it really better to just forget him and move on? I agree with you, OP, it would be best for you to say goodbye to him and block him and move on. I don't usually say things like that but I get the feeling this guy has got 'something' going on and he is keeping you on the hook but not translating it into real life much for a reason. It could be that he is ill, very ill, but four weeks of illness is quite extreme. Have you asked him what he is sick with? You cannot assess how reasonable his actions are otherwise. I think if he is keeping you on the hook like this and implying he is very interested in you, he owes you an explanation. I think it is more likely he is married or otherwise attached. He could be a fantasist, someone who is living a fantasy life through you but who cannot actually meet you very often because his partner would get suspicious. Have you noticed when he is available to talk to you - any particularly times? Does he call you randomly? Do you phone him out of the blue? Do you know where he lives or know where he works? Anything that could verify whether or not he is attached? Is he messaging using WhatsApp or something? While that is not necessarily suspicious in itself, people do use WhatsApp to hide messages from their partner. I cannot see that he has given you any sustainable reason why you and he cannot meet up more regularly. I think he is keeping you on the hook for his own purposes. If you are interested in him at all, you need to challenge what he is doing. If you are not interested, cut him off because he is preventing you from moving on emotionally. Edited October 25, 2021 by spiderowl 1
Author emerald86 Posted October 25, 2021 Author Posted October 25, 2021 2 hours ago, spiderowl said: I agree with you, OP, it would be best for you to say goodbye to him and block him and move on. I don't usually say things like that but I get the feeling this guy has got 'something' going on and he is keeping you on the hook but not translating it into real life much for a reason. It could be that he is ill, very ill, but four weeks of illness is quite extreme. Have you asked him what he is sick with? You cannot assess how reasonable his actions are otherwise. I think if he is keeping you on the hook like this and implying he is very interested in you, he owes you an explanation. I think it is more likely he is married or otherwise attached. He could be a fantasist, someone who is living a fantasy life through you but who cannot actually meet you very often because his partner would get suspicious. Have you noticed when he is available to talk to you - any particularly times? Does he call you randomly? Do you phone him out of the blue? Do you know where he lives or know where he works? Anything that could verify whether or not he is attached? Is he messaging using WhatsApp or something? While that is not necessarily suspicious in itself, people do use WhatsApp to hide messages from their partner. I cannot see that he has given you any sustainable reason why you and he cannot meet up more regularly. I think he is keeping you on the hook for his own purposes. If you are interested in him at all, you need to challenge what he is doing. If you are not interested, cut him off because he is preventing you from moving on emotionally. Thanks for the replies everyone. Yeah, I agree. Four weeks of being sick doesn't sound entirely believable to me, and I'm very skeptical. He told me that he's not even sure what he's sick with, just that he thinks it's an extreme case of the flu or the common cold. The fact that he supposedly doesn't even know what he's sick with is just crazy to me. I've never tried calling him out of the blue, but I remember that it was a bit difficult to get him on the phone in the past. I do know where he lives, and never got the idea that he could be attached, but maybe it's a possibility. We don't communicate through WhatsApp, just regular text. The texts just keep coming though. Today, he told me that he feels bad that he can't see me, that he had all these things planned out for us, that he's just so bummed out, etc. etc. I feel like if he was really that eager to meet up, we would have made some plans for the future, but so far, everything is still completely up in the air. I'm quite annoyed at this point, but at the same time, I'm still finding it difficult to just cut him out of my life and move on. I'm looking for a serious relationship, and it seems very very unlikely that I'll ever get that from this guy. I do plan to have a conversation with him. Just need to figure out the right time. I'm debating whether to just break this off completely and wish him the best of luck, or actually ask him about what's going on and try to talk it out.
Wiseman2 Posted October 25, 2021 Posted October 25, 2021 4 hours ago, emerald86 said: I'm debating whether to just break this off completely and wish him the best of luck, or actually ask him about what's going on and try to talk it out. Neither. You don't need a relationship talk with someone you're not in a relationship with and on the same token, you don't need a breakup talk. Why let him decide? You already know he's a timewaster and has low interest. Just stop answering nonsense texts. He won't set up dates or see you and that's all you need to know.
stillafool Posted October 25, 2021 Posted October 25, 2021 6 hours ago, emerald86 said: I'm looking for a serious relationship, and it seems very very unlikely that I'll ever get that from this guy. Then why the hesitation to end it?
Pumpernickel Posted October 25, 2021 Posted October 25, 2021 On 10/23/2021 at 12:30 AM, emerald86 said: The last time we met in person was 4 weeks ago. Reading your OP and doing the math, that was the one and only in-person meet, right? All others were video chats? One meeting in 5 months is nothing. He doesn't make an effort. Have you had sex yet? If not - maybe he's trying to get into your pants at least once before he completely stops all communication. I wouldn't block him, as he hasn't done anything bad to you, but stop ruminating & date others. Just let him talk..... (& maybe he'll come up with something tangible soon, like another date, as he's been mentioning) – but don't put ANY eggs in his basket......like zero eggs ......... just be indifferent 1
smackie9 Posted October 25, 2021 Posted October 25, 2021 (edited) Instead of texting, call him. If he can't talk on the phone, he's hiding something. Edited October 25, 2021 by smackie9 2
poppyfields Posted October 25, 2021 Posted October 25, 2021 (edited) 15 hours ago, emerald86 said: Thanks for the replies everyone. Yeah, I agree. Four weeks of being sick doesn't sound entirely believable to me, and I'm very skeptical. He told me that he's not even sure what he's sick with, just that he thinks it's an extreme case of the flu or the common cold. The fact that he supposedly doesn't even know what he's sick with is just crazy to me. I've never tried calling him out of the blue, but I remember that it was a bit difficult to get him on the phone in the past. I do know where he lives, and never got the idea that he could be attached, but maybe it's a possibility. We don't communicate through WhatsApp, just regular text. The texts just keep coming though. Today, he told me that he feels bad that he can't see me, that he had all these things planned out for us, that he's just so bummed out, etc. etc. I feel like if he was really that eager to meet up, we would have made some plans for the future, but so far, everything is still completely up in the air. I'm quite annoyed at this point, but at the same time, I'm still finding it difficult to just cut him out of my life and move on. I'm looking for a serious relationship, and it seems very very unlikely that I'll ever get that from this guy. I do plan to have a conversation with him. Just need to figure out the right time. I'm debating whether to just break this off completely and wish him the best of luck, or actually ask him about what's going on and try to talk it out. I don't think you need to have any sort of conversation with him, I mean what would that accomplish? Anything he says are just "words" and words not followed up with action (making an effort to spend time together IN PERSON) don't mean a damn thing imo. IMO, the writing is on the wall here, there is no need to clarify anything. The guy is full of ****. It doesn't matter why, he just is. His excuses simply don't pass the smell test. If this were me, and it HAS been me a couple of times, I would simply stop responding to his texts. You don't owe him an "explanation," he's not stupid, he'll figure it out. Just move on, and focus on men who give a * and make an effort to spend time with you is my advice. Good luck. Edited October 25, 2021 by poppyfields 2
notbroken Posted October 25, 2021 Posted October 25, 2021 Best guess is he is either married or has a serious girlfriend. In either case, if he won't see you then 'hard next'. Tell him you'd like to drive by and just see him throught the window to wish him good health. I'll bet he has an excuse as to why he can't do it (really because his wife wouldn't like it). Regardless of the reason, he's not available. Don't waste more of your time. 4
Pumpernickel Posted October 25, 2021 Posted October 25, 2021 4 minutes ago, notbroken said: Tell him you'd like to drive by and just see him throught the window to wish him good health. I'll bet he has an excuse ........ love this – I'd do this just for the fun of it
Author emerald86 Posted October 25, 2021 Author Posted October 25, 2021 17 minutes ago, notbroken said: Tell him you'd like to drive by and just see him throught the window to wish him good health. Hahaha this is great I'm almost thinking of doing this, just to see what he says! And yes, I totally agree with all the replies so far. I know the best thing to do is to just completely ignore his texts and move on - I guess I'm just having a hard time accepting it because I really liked him. And also holding onto a little bit of hope that he might actually ask to meet in person some time, especially since he has been talking about it. But even if that did happen, I'm not sure what I'd actually feel like doing. A part of me might be happy, but I know the other part of me would be very bitter.
Author emerald86 Posted October 25, 2021 Author Posted October 25, 2021 5 hours ago, Pumpernickel said: Reading your OP and doing the math, that was the one and only in-person meet, right? All others were video chats? One meeting in 5 months is nothing. He doesn't make an effort. Have you had sex yet? If not - maybe he's trying to get into your pants at least once before he completely stops all communication. I wouldn't block him, as he hasn't done anything bad to you, but stop ruminating & date others. Just let him talk..... (& maybe he'll come up with something tangible soon, like another date, as he's been mentioning) – but don't put ANY eggs in his basket......like zero eggs ......... just be indifferent We met twice in person, but yeah either way, that's nothing at all. I'm making a real effort to forget him and date others, but it hasn't been easy. I'm not even sure how I got so attached to him in the first place - we've only met twice. Better to end it now before it gets worse. 2
Pumpernickel Posted October 25, 2021 Posted October 25, 2021 2 minutes ago, emerald86 said: But even if that did happen, I'm not sure what I'd actually feel like Just do nothing. Keep your options open & only answer him if he comes up with something tangible. 3 minutes ago, emerald86 said: Hahaha this is great I'm almost thinking of doing this, just to see what he says! Yes, please! 1
healing light Posted October 25, 2021 Posted October 25, 2021 18 hours ago, emerald86 said: Yeah, I agree. Four weeks of being sick doesn't sound entirely believable to me, and I'm very skeptical. He told me that he's not even sure what he's sick with, just that he thinks it's an extreme case of the flu or the common cold. The fact that he supposedly doesn't even know what he's sick with is just crazy to me. Gosh, I think there was this thing that started with a c... if only I could think of it. But it rearranged the whole world, basically. Haha, do you think he wants you to suspect he has covid without saying it? Certainly would make a great excuse to put someone off unless you actually had it and it wasn't an excuse. I'd love to hear you report back if you take that one poster up on their suggestion of a drive-by window check-in.
poppyfields Posted October 25, 2021 Posted October 25, 2021 (edited) 12 minutes ago, S2B said: Just tell him to contact you when he can see you in person. I wouldn't. That leaves him with the impression you have no other options, are waiting around and will be available should he ever have a change of heart. Don't tell him anything, simply stop responding. Let him think you have moved on, which you should be! No telling him to contact you when he wants to see you, no waiting around. You're done, BYE. He's jerking you around, enough is enough. That should be the attitude, imho. Going forward, raise standards. Edited October 25, 2021 by poppyfields 1
Wiseman2 Posted October 26, 2021 Posted October 26, 2021 9 hours ago, poppyfields said: . That leaves him with the impression you have no other options. Agree. Identify timewasters and uninterested people early and cut your losses. Yes just stop replying. Have you read the book "He's Just Not That Into You"? It may help you identify who to delete and block sooner rather than later.
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