Thoughts on this situation?

[James Smithy]

My ex and I started seeing each other again back towards the beginning of the year. We had a great time, but I have cancer and don't know how long I have left but it could be just months.

I love her and want us to commit to each other for whatever time we have left together.

She badly wants children (I have two from a previous relationship).

She has said that she feels like she needs to start finding someone to have a family with as she's 32. She recently told me that she wants to start dating other people.

However she also said she isn't ready to let me go. She has suggested dating other people on the weekends I have my children and seeing me (and still sleeping with each other) the weekends I don't. In other words seeing me while dating other people.

She apparently told her friends that she wants to be my friend but also date other people, and keep me as a lover. (She has previously suggested she wouldn't tell her dates about us, but I guess if it got serious she would, and would stop sleeping with me.)

Her friends have said this is the "best way" and if I cared about her, I'd understand, as it means she can still be there to support me, but allows her to still have a future. 

She says that by asking her to commit, I'm being selfish and using her. I just love her, and she says she loves me, and I want us to be together.

What do people think about this situation?

 

 

 

 

 

Edited October 15, 2021 by James Smithy

[DKT3]

I dont know what your answer is, I will say, in your position I would ask her to exit stage right and spend as much time as I could with my children.  That time is invaluable for them, even if they don't know it yet.

Edited October 15, 2021 by DKT3

[James Smithy]

The children spend quite a bit of time with their mother, so I have plenty of time when they are not with me.

I guess I more wonder what people think about her doing that? She is dating to find someone to marry, yet would start their relationship off by sleeping with me at the same time, and not telling them about it.

[glows]

2 hours ago, James Smithy said:

She apparently told her friends that she wants to be my friend but also date other people, and keep me as a lover. (She has previously suggested she wouldn't tell her dates about us, but I guess if it got serious she would, and would stop sleeping with me.)

Quote

I love her and want us to commit to each other for whatever time we have left together.

It doesn't matter what her friends think or what other people think. What matters, sadly, is that she doesn't want what you want. There's nothing wrong with what she's proposing above except that it's selfish in light of the circumstances (you both aren't even married or in a relationship), disrespectful to you if you've told her you want otherwise and cowardly/besides the point for her to bring up children as a reason at age 32 when you have mere months to live. You have a terminal illness and a bit of time left. Do you really want to spend that precious time with someone who doesn't see eye to eye with you or doesn't want to be exclusively with you in your time remaining? She can do whatever she wants but please don't let this woman cause you to worry in your last moments on this earth nor let any of her cohorts and cronies cloud your thoughts. A person who does that doesn't love you. She just loves having company and is afraid to be alone. 

Then again, if this is what you want and choose and prefer to have intimacy in this form that is entirely your choice and of course that would be fine. I'd personally be more concerned about end of life decisions, making sure my family is provided for and making every single moment of what's remaining count. There would be no room for confusion and feeling bad about someone or something. I wish you so much peace in whatever you decide.

 

[Nothanks]

I think you should spend your time doing what makes you happy.  If her dating other men is a problem for you, cut her out and enjoy life. Don’t waste one minute thinking about her. And Forget about what her friends think.  You should not be supporting her, she should be supporting you!   If she did really care about you, she would be doing everything she could to make sure you are enjoying the time you have left…..not putting you through some guilt laced emotional heartache. 

[elaine567]

4 hours ago, James Smithy said:

She apparently told her friends that she wants to be my friend but also date other people, and keep me as a lover. (She has previously suggested she wouldn't tell her dates about us, but I guess if it got serious she would, and would stop sleeping with me.)

Her friends have said this is the "best way" and if I cared about her, I'd understand, as it means she can still be there to support me, but allows her to still have a future

It is a pretty selfish and heartless way. You are dying of cancer and she can't stop dating others for a few months to support you???
BUT she is an ex and she has obviously disconnected from you enough in order for her to suggest such an notion.
You would always be plan B and it seems she would cut you off in an instant if she met someone she liked.
That puts you in a terrible situation, never really knowing when she could cut you off and you would be left lonely and upset....
You love her, but I don't really think she loves you unfortunately...

[James Smithy]

"BUT she is an ex and she has obviously disconnected from you enough in order for her to suggest such an notion."

This is the thing - she is giving mixed messages. Since we started seeing each other, she's always maintained that we're not actually together, and that some day she would leave to start dating. However, what she is saying now is that she wants to date other people, but also keep seeing me. I've said I don't want to be a back up plan, and she's said "you're never the backup" but it feels like that. How can she possibly start a relationship with someone else that she hopes will go on to be her husband and father her children, if she's still seeing me and sleeping with me? They will be starting on a dishonest foot, and that can't be good? 

She says she doesn't understand my views on this, and that I'm being selfish by expecting her to stay. She's free to leave, but she keeps dangling carrots. So far, she has said we can go on holiday together, as long as it's soon and not too far in the future. She asked if I wanted to join her for a spa weekend. She seems to want me to be her support and her partner, until yes, she cuts me off in an instant (as she has done in the past)...

I love her, and it's hard to leave. I don't think I will be open to meeting anyone else in the time I have left. So my options are her on her conditions, or being alone for whatever time I have left. 

She has a right to leave. But staying with her only to be dumped at an even worse time is just an awful thought. 

[Nothanks]

Oh you deserve so much better than this!!  I do think you need to prioritize your life and decide what makes you happy. If there was anytime to put yourself first, it is now.  Stop thinking of what she wants. What do you want?  You can’t control her and she has said she will date others.  Is that acceptable to you?  If so, have fun with her but don’t get further invested. View it as dating and just fun. If you love her and it is too much to see her with other men, cut it off NOW.  Refocus on the people who truly love you including your kids.  Don’t waste your time on her. If she did love you, she wouldn’t be so selfish. 
 

I’m sorry but your situation hits close to home. I had a friend in a similar situation. Divorced with kids and diagnosed with less than 3 years.  He had just started dating someone when he was diagnosed. She was in her 30s, had no kids and could have walked ….she didn’t and they got married 6 months before he passed away.  She loved him and did not regret any second she spent with him. That is love.  What your girlfriend is doing is not.  Please do not spend your days thinking about her needs and going through heartache. If she is causing you pain, end it now and refocus.

[ExpatInItaly]

19 hours ago, James Smithy said:

How can she possibly start a relationship with someone else that she hopes will go on to be her husband and father her children, if she's still seeing me and sleeping with me?

She probably won't, when push comes to shove. Meaning, she will leave you high and dry when she meets another man and not continue seeing and sleeping with you. 

I am really sorry about your situation, OP. This woman is not someone I would want to spend any more precious moments of my life with. It won't be worth it. 

[Wiseman2]

End it. She wants commitment, so is going to keep dating others until she finds the husband/family type.

There's no carrots here. Just someone who's willing to be FWB until she finds someone more suitable for her.

Try dating single moms. Then you may not have these pressures and head games.

Edited October 16, 2021 by Wiseman2

[elaine567]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

End it. She wants commitment, so is going to keep dating others until she finds the husband/family type.

There's no carrots here. Just someone who's willing to be FWB until she finds someone more suitable for her.

Try dating single moms. Then you may not have these pressures and head games.

The man has months to live, how is he going to date others?
A whole lot of strangers is not going to provide the support he seeks. 

[Nothanks]

5 hours ago, elaine567 said:

A whole lot of strangers is not going to provide the support he seeks. 

 And his girlfriend is providing the support he seeks?  By putting him through an emotional shredder wasting the time he has left?  Her telling him she wants to be with him and date other men is hardly being supportive.  It is being unbelievably selfish.   Who says he should be looking for support from other women anyway?  He can get support from family, friends, and even support groups.  He may just enjoy casually dating new women for the fun of it and there is nothing wrong with that. And how he does that is just like any other man on this planet who casually dates other women.  OP if dating other women makes you happy, I say “go for it”.  Just be honest with the women you date.  
 

I stress again though that you need decide how you want to spend your remaining time.  It does not sound like dating your girlfriend while she plays the field makes you happy.  If that is true, end it with her and focus on your happiness.  Her happiness should not be your concern.

 

Edited October 16, 2021 by Nothanks

[glows]

On 10/15/2021 at 2:45 AM, James Smithy said:

How can she possibly start a relationship with someone else that she hopes will go on to be her husband and father her children, if she's still seeing me and sleeping with me? They will be starting on a dishonest foot, and that can't be good? 

She says she doesn't understand my views on this, and that I'm being selfish by expecting her to stay. She's free to leave, but she keeps dangling carrots. So far, she has said we can go on holiday together, as long as it's soon and not too far in the future. She asked if I wanted to join her for a spa weekend. She seems to want me to be her support and her partner, until yes, she cuts me off in an instant (as she has done in the past)...

I love her, and it's hard to leave. I don't think I will be open to meeting anyone else in the time I have left. So my options are her on her conditions, or being alone for whatever time I have left. 

She has a right to leave. But staying with her only to be dumped at an even worse time is just an awful thought. 

She's coping with the loss of a friend/lover by finding your replacement and you are coping with it by hanging on to anything you can get in the remaining time you have left even if it's dribs and drabs or when you feel like you are second place. She's not going to change the way she thinks or feels because that is how she copes with the present situation. I suspect she thinks that she's being supportive to you by not leaving you completely and she's also taking care of her own needs not being alone when you're gone by finding someone new. 

You are just someone in transition to her while you alive but she is offering her support to you. I would not get hung up on how she starts a relationship with someone else. That's something she's been clear she needs to do. If you can't understand it or it bothers you, you are infinitely better off not worrying about something in your last days. You both disagree in the way you view relationships and yet are hobbling along trying to maintain some sort of relationship situation. 

Be kinder to yourself and let her go if this doesn't seem right to you. Love also means having the strength to let go. Do you have family or friends close to you that support you also? 

 

[James Smithy]

Since I told her that I wasn't happy with her suggestion, she has basically stopped replying to any messages. For several days now.

If she's "coping with the idea of loss" how come she's so happy just to walk away now and have no contact? That's the no different from someone dying... You still have zero contact from them.

I'm sorry, but I agree with the posters that say she simply doesn't care and was just trying to have someone to support her until she found someone else because she's afraid of being alone. I think she wants control and likes guys chasing her. Even her ex before me she still had hanging around until very recently. She'd meet him for dinner, apparently to talk about issues he has with his gf. She said she was "helping him" but then he'd get upset with her for not seeing him more often, and ended up calling her selfish and a user.

If 2 of us now feel this way, chances are it's probably her.

I've decided to let her get on with her life. And actually, your responses have made me realise that she isn't a nice person. At all. So while I still love her (that doesn't go away just because I realise she's not a nice person, unfortunately) I am better off without the chaos in my life. 

I'd have preferred to spend my last months with someone that I loved and cared about, and that I thought loved and cared about me. But that isn't going to happen. I don't want to date other people. I wanted something meaningful. I chose to spend my recent years trying to believe the things this person said to me were true. She said she wanted to be with me. At one point, just over a year ago, we got engaged. It was a spur-of-the-moment thing, so I didn't plan it, and didn't have a ring. I then went in for major surgery just 2 weeks later. And to this day, she's still said it wasn't a real engagement because she didn't have a ring. 

I have tried. She hasn't. And I have to accept that I love someone who doesn't, and probably never did, love me. So why did she stay? Well, I can only guess. But I think it's a power/control thing. 

Whatever, I'm done with it. 

Thanks for your responses all, and yes, the relationships I have with my kids, family and friends are solid. I'll be ok. I wanted that special someone too, of course I did. And I tried. And I picked the wrong person. But that is what it is. I'm proud of what I have done.

 

[glows]

I’m proud of you too. This is so much less baggage and worry you don’t have to carry around with you any longer. She seems disingenuous and very selfish. Wishing you lots of peace, love and courage. 💛

[Nothanks]

5 hours ago, James Smithy said:

 I am better off without the chaos in my life. 

100% true. You are better off.  You sound very strong and grounded. Enjoy spending your time with the people who love you and who matter most.  I wish you peace and happiness.  

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, James Smithy said:

the relationships I have with my kids, family and friends are solid. I'll be ok. I wanted that special someone too, of course I did. 

Focus on quality of life. That may include not dealing with selfish people. 

[James Smithy]

I just found a recent whatsapp message from her that hopefully clarifies a few things:

"I do love you. That’s why I am so scared what should I do when you are gone . So I am thinking about my escape route. If I fall in love with someone else before you are gone, I will be okay"

I think that sums it up a bit better, no?

[basil67]

15 minutes ago, James Smithy said:

I just found a recent whatsapp message from her that hopefully clarifies a few things:

"I do love you. That’s why I am so scared what should I do when you are gone . So I am thinking about my escape route. If I fall in love with someone else before you are gone, I will be okay"

I think that sums it up a bit better, no?

Her attitude is appalling.  

[Alpacalia]

3 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Her attitude is appalling.  

Agree.

That has to be the most heartbreaking thing to hear from someone you care about.

I can't fathom how upsetting that must have been for you.

[Nothanks]

5 hours ago, James Smithy said:

"I do love you. That’s why I am so scared what should I do when you are gone . So I am thinking about my escape route. If I fall in love with someone else before you are gone, I will be okay"

Geez that is some straight up narcissism right there. Block her from all avenues of contact.  Cut her completely out of your life. She is toxic.