Claire00 Posted October 11, 2021 Share Posted October 11, 2021 My relationship started 2 years ago with me having feelings and being affectionate and him not having feelings and being distant in any way. We were trying to make long distance work as I was playing with other guys without guilt because I knew I really loved that one and he didn’t love me back. After one lie by him I was so disappointed, I said I cheated and I broke him up. Feelings from him got us back together after a couple of days and with two month effort we are having a super strong relationship, perfect communication and deep love. Is it possible that feeling we lost each other made us change? Or are these situations just really unhealthy and behaviours will be repeated? Link to post Share on other sites
chillii Posted October 11, 2021 Share Posted October 11, 2021 (edited) 20 minutes ago, Claire00 said: We were trying to make long distance work as I was playing with other guys without guilt because I knew I really loved that one and he didn’t love me back. How could you possibly be trying to make "anything " , work , while your playing with other guys as you put it , whatever that means . You need to go see someone. And he told you some lie so you tell him you cheated on him , were you were all through anyway. Sorry but this whole thing is ridiculous . Edited October 11, 2021 by chillii 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Claire00 Posted October 11, 2021 Author Share Posted October 11, 2021 24 minutes ago, chillii said: How could you possibly be trying to make "anything " , work , while your playing with other guys as you put it , whatever that means . You need to go see someone. And he told you some lie so you tell him you cheated on him , were you were all through anyway. Sorry but this whole thing is ridiculous . It sounds weird but imagine I was being with someone that didn’t even ask a simple where are you and if I said I was hanging with a boy in my house he was saying ok. Obviously I was trying in the beginning, at some point I stopped trying. However playing around was just flirting nothing more. Also I have to make clear I cheated after breakup I just let him know because I was hoping for one reaction for once Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted October 11, 2021 Share Posted October 11, 2021 I'm confused. Going by your correction, should your first post have read "I was dating a guy long distance but he wasn't trying to make it work. So I broke up with him and saw other people for a while. After a while, he decided he cared so we go back together" This then begs the questions: If you were broken up, then you didn't cheat.....so why would you deliberately lie to hurt a guy who you'd already broken up with? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted October 11, 2021 Share Posted October 11, 2021 1 hour ago, Claire00 said: My relationship started 2 years ago We were trying to make long distance work Have you met in person? How old is he? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted October 11, 2021 Share Posted October 11, 2021 2 hours ago, Claire00 said: After one lie by him I was so disappointed What was that lie about? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Claire00 Posted October 11, 2021 Author Share Posted October 11, 2021 3 hours ago, basil67 said: I'm confused. Going by your correction, should your first post have read "I was dating a guy long distance but he wasn't trying to make it work. So I broke up with him and saw other people for a while. After a while, he decided he cared so we go back together" This then begs the questions: If you were broken up, then you didn't cheat.....so why would you deliberately lie to hurt a guy who you'd already broken up with? Just making clear it didn’t start as long distance, distance happened because of corona and as we had only communication things got harder. Also we broke up for couple of days and there was just one time sex with another person. Even if we broke up two days ago it is still cheating I don’t see why you think I lied for that. And I didn’t have the intention to tell I cheated to hurt him obviously he found out Link to post Share on other sites
Author Claire00 Posted October 11, 2021 Author Share Posted October 11, 2021 2 hours ago, elaine567 said: What was that lie about? He tried to convince me he went for business trip with one co worker instead of telling me they were going vacation with his co worker and friends somewhere else. All these to avoid possible fight because I was always suggesting trips and we never went til that time Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted October 11, 2021 Share Posted October 11, 2021 Just now, Claire00 said: He tried to convince me he went for business trip with one co worker instead of telling me they were going vacation with his co worker and friends somewhere else. All these to avoid possible fight because I was always suggesting trips and we never went til that time Ok so that was quite a big lie, you are excusing. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Claire00 Posted October 11, 2021 Author Share Posted October 11, 2021 3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: Have you met in person? How old is he? Yes we started living really close, then moving a bit far but still we can meet by driving. Long distance was not about real distance actually it was not allowed to move between these cities during lockdown Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted October 11, 2021 Share Posted October 11, 2021 9 minutes ago, Claire00 said: they were going vacation with his co worker and friends somewhere else. Why not save yourself a lot of headaches and heartaches and end it. You're both with others, distance isn't working and it's on/off. When you free yourself from this by deleting and blocking him from all your social media and messaging apps, you'll feel a lot better. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Claire00 Posted October 16, 2021 Author Share Posted October 16, 2021 On 10/11/2021 at 1:33 PM, Wiseman2 said: Why not save yourself a lot of headaches and heartaches and end it. You're both with others, distance isn't working and it's on/off. When you free yourself from this by deleting and blocking him from all your social media and messaging apps, you'll feel a lot better. Do you really believe that deleting and blocking someone is a mature and healthy move? Because avoiding a problem or a situation has never brought me any solutions Link to post Share on other sites
Nothanks Posted October 16, 2021 Share Posted October 16, 2021 38 minutes ago, Claire00 said: Do you really believe that deleting and blocking someone is a mature and healthy move? Because avoiding a problem or a situation has never brought me any solutions Yes. If you end the relationship it is completely mature and healthy to delete and block. What isn’t healthy is lying and cheating or constantly trying to make something work that is broken. Your relationship is messed up. There is a lot to work through for two people who are not married, no kids, no shared life…. At some point, there is too much to overcome. Only you or he can make that decision though. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted October 16, 2021 Share Posted October 16, 2021 It sounds like you're still a couple by your accounts but you're doubting his feelings for you because he scarcely showed he cared in the beginning. If you take a leap of faith reconciling with an ex, do so with your whole heart or don't. Do not even try. Why live like this doubting every moment? There's no trust there and from the sounds if it, not enough interest on his part. He's hot/cold with you and you're starving of attention. Is this something you actually want for yourself? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted October 16, 2021 Share Posted October 16, 2021 6 hours ago, Claire00 said: Do you really believe that deleting and blocking someone is a mature and healthy move? Absolutely having boundaries and self respect is mature and heathy. What's unhealthy is accpting liars or others who cause hurt. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Claire00 Posted October 16, 2021 Author Share Posted October 16, 2021 3 hours ago, glows said: It sounds like you're still a couple by your accounts but you're doubting his feelings for you because he scarcely showed he cared in the beginning. If you take a leap of faith reconciling with an ex, do so with your whole heart or don't. Do not even try. Why live like this doubting every moment? There's no trust there and from the sounds if it, not enough interest on his part. He's hot/cold with you and you're starving of attention. Is this something you actually want for yourself? Firstly we were broken up for about 5 days so it’s not like getting back when no one really moved on. I am full in now and we became a couple everyone admires now. But people who cheat or lie they always do and they can’t change like that, specially after we forgave each other. So what I’m questioning is, can I really stop being a cheater and can he really stop being a liar and start being that loving? He felt cheating was because of him being distant and lying and I agree but did he change or he is being different until his guilt and ego are healed? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Claire00 Posted October 16, 2021 Author Share Posted October 16, 2021 15 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Absolutely having boundaries and self respect is mature and heathy. What's unhealthy is accpting liars or others who cause hurt. Lie is something I have dealt with a lot and from everyone and I chose to forgive this one and tried hard trusting him again. And I don’t believe it’s unhealthy forgiving when they ask you for forgiveness. Also it made me realise that he is an unskilled liar because he got revealed hours later Link to post Share on other sites
Author Claire00 Posted October 16, 2021 Author Share Posted October 16, 2021 44 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Absolutely having boundaries and self respect is mature and heathy. What's unhealthy is accpting liars or others who cause hurt. I feel like we are completely different minds. I am a person working and growing my relationships with everyone, I have my friends since preschool, shortest boyfriend relationship was 9 months and most 7 years. Every mind of yours was just too off for me. However you are judging my decisions (I stand by them still) while I was asking for an opinion. I get you believe people don’t change after unhealthy situations, they are unhealthy so leaving is the option. And that should be your answer Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted October 16, 2021 Share Posted October 16, 2021 6 hours ago, Claire00 said: Firstly we were broken up for about 5 days so it’s not like getting back when no one really moved on. I am full in now and we became a couple everyone admires now. But people who cheat or lie they always do and they can’t change like that, specially after we forgave each other. So what I’m questioning is, can I really stop being a cheater and can he really stop being a liar and start being that loving? He felt cheating was because of him being distant and lying and I agree but did he change or he is being different until his guilt and ego are healed? Thanks for clarifying. Use the time now to observe him then and gauge whether you can trust him after the lies and cheating prior. It's difficult when you are emotionally attached to someone but be more honest with yourself. I think that you are looking for people to tell you everything will be fine and he is a changed person, don't worry etc etc. That would be wrong because it would give you false hope. Be careful with all your time. Your time and your life are precious and you get one life to live. If you are worried, mistrustful and uneasy, what kind of life is that? You may not have the answers for yourself now but you will need them soon. I am reading what you are writing and you sound tortured and torn. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted October 16, 2021 Share Posted October 16, 2021 On 10/11/2021 at 6:16 AM, Claire00 said: Also we broke up for couple of days and there was just one time sex with another person. Even if we broke up two days ago it is still cheating I don’t see why you think I lied for that. Even if you were just broken up 2 hours you are broken up and can do what you want within that 2 hours. You didn't cheat. Link to post Share on other sites
Nothanks Posted October 16, 2021 Share Posted October 16, 2021 6 hours ago, Claire00 said: So what I’m questioning is, can I really stop being a cheater and can he really stop being a liar and start being that loving? Yes for sure that is possible. But you do not change behaviour and fix the problems by sweeping them under the carpet and moving on. It takes some effort to face your issues, understand why you act in that way and a commitment to continually working on changing your thinking and patterns of behaviour (I m referring to both of you). That is a lot of work that few married people are willing to go through. Again though only you can decide if it is worth that effort. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted October 16, 2021 Share Posted October 16, 2021 On 10/11/2021 at 1:14 AM, Claire00 said: My relationship started 2 years ago with me having feelings and being affectionate and him not having feelings and being distant in any way. We were trying to make long distance work as I was playing with other guys without guilt because I knew I really loved that one and he didn’t love me back. If he wasn't being affectionate or having feelings for you as well as being distant you two were never in a relationship. You just liked him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Claire00 Posted October 18, 2021 Author Share Posted October 18, 2021 On 10/16/2021 at 4:39 PM, glows said: Thanks for clarifying. Use the time now to observe him then and gauge whether you can trust him after the lies and cheating prior. It's difficult when you are emotionally attached to someone but be more honest with yourself. I think that you are looking for people to tell you everything will be fine and he is a changed person, don't worry etc etc. That would be wrong because it would give you false hope. Be careful with all your time. Your time and your life are precious and you get one life to live. If you are worried, mistrustful and uneasy, what kind of life is that? You may not have the answers for yourself now but you will need them soon. I am reading what you are writing and you sound tortured and torn. That’s true I’m looking for hope here not from my own experience only but watching other people around me having fake relationships, liars never stop lying. I really don’t believe anyone can change that way and watching it happening to me seems weird, even though there is no actual sign to make me doubt us other than my own minds On 10/16/2021 at 4:50 PM, stillafool said: Even if you were just broken up 2 hours you are broken up and can do what you want within that 2 hours. You didn't cheat. When you are done yes you can do whatever you want but it feels inappropriate being totally attached to someone and having sex with someone else. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Claire00 Posted October 18, 2021 Author Share Posted October 18, 2021 On 10/16/2021 at 4:53 PM, stillafool said: If he wasn't being affectionate or having feelings for you as well as being distant you two were never in a relationship. You just liked him. Well I was not feeling I am in a relationship but he was clear to me that if it is not serious for me he is not in. Now he knows he was acting wrong but back then there was 0 sense of a relationship Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted October 18, 2021 Share Posted October 18, 2021 5 minutes ago, Claire00 said: Now he knows he was acting wrong but back then there was 0 sense of a relationship If this was his mindset back then - again, You did not cheat. Link to post Share on other sites
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