He Said He Loved Me, but THEN.

[Jamie Lynn84]

Ive been telling my best guy friend I love him for about a year now (we've been best friends for about 3). He just told me today after a fight and almost a friend break up about communication and how I felt like we just arent on the same page "caring" wise and how I feel he doesnt care as much as I do, etc etc.. he finally said he loved me too.. of course, in a Id do anything for you sort of way, not a romantic way, and I text him and said, listen you have no idea how much that means to me, it makes a huge difference just knowing how you feel, etc etc.. I said, I hope that wasnt the first and last time you say it (because I am what you call a "word affirmation" type of love language" where in almost any type of relationship, be it romantic or platonic, I like words over anything, so I said please dont let it be the last time you tell me for reassurance we are putting the same effort in and his response was " I dont use the words or that phrase often, as it decreases its value".. so what does that mean? does that mean he was just BS'ing me? I mean, I dont honestly feel he would have said he loved me if he didnt mean it, but now I feel like he's just like, well, I said it once, thats all you get, now f*** off, I dont give AF about your feelings from now on... any thoughts?

Edited October 8, 2021 by Jamie Lynn84
spelling

[Jamie Lynn84]

Ive been telling my best guy friend I love him for about a year now (we've been best friends for about 3). He just told me today after a fight and almost a friend break up about communication and how I felt like we just arent on the same page "caring" wise and how I feel he doesnt care as much as I do, etc etc.. he finally said he loved me too.. of course, in a Id do anything for you sort of way, not a romantic way, and I text him and said, listen you have no idea how much that means to me, it makes a huge difference just knowing how you feel, etc etc.. I said, I hope that wasnt the first and last time you say it (because I am what you call a "word affirmation" type of love language" where in almost any type of relationship, be it romantic or platonic, I like words over anything, so I said please dont let it be the last time you tell me for reassurance we are putting the same effort in and his response was " I dont use the words or that phrase often, as it decreases its value".. so what does that mean? does that mean he was just BS'ing me? I mean, I dont honestly feel he would have said he loved me if he didnt mean it, but now I feel like he's just like, well, I said it once, thats all you get, now f*** off, I dont give AF about your feelings from now on... any thoughts?

 

I posted this in Friends and Lovers.. Im new.. It didnt have any new posts, so I posted here.. I dont know if thats ok...?

[Gaeta]

He's telling you he's not like you and even if you threaten this friendship he cannot change who he is. He is not a man who easily expresses his feelings. What's the problem with you respecting that? If you cannot respect who you are as individual human beings than I don't see the point of this friendship. 

And honestly you're handling this as a romantic relationship. I'm not sure you're honest about your feelings here. I have no clue what my 'friends' love language is, we're friends. We spend time together, we laugh, we confine in each other, support each other, there is no 'love language' needed..... only friendship language. 

[poppyfields]

No he wasn't BSing you, what it means is that HIS love language is not "words of affirmation,"  his LL might be "quality time" or "acts of service," meaning he expresses his affection/love through actions/deeds, NOT words.

I agree with him, words are often meaningless when not backed up by action, and when spoken too often, they can come off as contrived and "going through the motions" and lose their value versus genuine emotions coming from within one's heart.  

If me feeling the way you do, I would introspect to determine why it is you seek so much reassurance and external validation.   Strive to achieve these things internally.   

If he does not behave like a caring loving friend, then dump him but what I am sensing is that he does act like a good caring friend, but doesn't place the same value on "words of affirmation" the way you do and that is OKAY.

We all express affection in our own way and style, and it's wrong to impose OUR style on someone else just because it makes you feel unloved or insecure.

This is a "you" issue imo, not a "him" issue.

Love yourself.  Value yourself.  Validate yourself.   From within.

Once you do, you will manifest wonderful things and attract many people to you without even trying.

Edited October 8, 2021 by poppyfields

[elaine567]

It means he says it when he means it but if you expect him to tell you he loves you all the time he isn't going to do that.
He is saying that over use of such words can render them meaningless and he is probably right.

[ExpatInItaly]

10 minutes ago, Jamie Lynn84 said:

but now I feel like he's just like, well, I said it once, thats all you get, now f*** off, I dont give AF about your feelings from now on... any thoughts?

Yes, your expectations are way too high and unreasonable.  

This guy sees you as a friend. You're not dating, but you seem to attach the same emotional expectations to him that one would do with a romantic partner. Your near-demand that he tells you again that he loves you is too much, and not fair. He is not obligated to tell you that, and it's clearly making him uncomfortable that you are being pushy about it and getting upset that he does not feel the way you do. He also probably doesn't want to fuel your crush any further. 

I think you need to take a deep breath, and a big step back from him. You're being over-bearing and you're too attached. He evidently cares about you but he doesn't have those feelings for you. You're treating this like a romantic relationship, but you're just friends. 

 

Edited October 8, 2021 by ExpatInItaly

[ASG]

It means that, unlike you, he's not a "word affirmation" person. And you can't make him be one. 
He's not BSing you. You are demanding of him something he can't give you. I definitely don't go around telling my friends I love them all the time. 

He cares about you. That should be enough. He doesn't need to keep on saying it, even if you'd like him to.

[Jamie Lynn84]

1 minute ago, poppyfields said:

No he wasn't BSing you, what it means is that HIS love language is not "words of affirmation,"  his LL might be "quality time" or "acts of service," meaning he expresses his affection/love through actions NOT words.

I agree with him, words are often meaningless when not backed up by action, and when spoken too often, they can come off as contrived and "going through the motions" versus genuine emotions coming from within one's heart.

If me feeling the way you do, I would introspect to determine why it is you seek so much reassurance and external validation.   Strive to achieve these things internally.   

If he does not behave like a caring loving friend, then dump him but what I am sensing is that he does act like a good caring friend, but doesn't place the same value on "words of affirmation" the way you do and that is OKAY.

We all express affection in our own way and style, and it's wrong to impose OUR style on someone else just because it makes you feel unloved or insecure.

This is a "you" issue imo, not a "him" issue.

Yes, you are absolutely right, as a matter of fact, he and I .. well HE in fact found the 5 love languages, and he IS acts of service, because we were having so many issues with communication.. and you are right, I do project a lot onto him because of my own issues with needing reassurance, and yes, I am aware I have issues from childhood I need to work on, which he is great, lol he is totally patient with my neuroticness?, so yeah.. I just heard this today and thought, maybe I will google it, before I decide to like, question his intentions, because I am trying to learn more about him to be a better friend.. I couldn't really find anything and found this forum.. so maybe your advice is spot on, maybe he's not just telling me what I want to hear to get me to shut up. It's just hard for me to understand not everyone thinks like me.. and people don't show love like I do yknow?

[Jamie Lynn84]

7 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

He's telling you he's not like you and even if you threaten this friendship he cannot change who he is. He is not a man who easily expresses his feelings. What's the problem with you respecting that? If you cannot respect who you are as individual human beings than I don't see the point of this friendship. 

And honestly you're handling this as a romantic relationship. I'm not sure you're honest about your feelings here. I have no clue what my 'friends' love language is, we're friends. We spend time together, we laugh, we confine in each other, support each other, there is no 'love language' needed..... only friendship language. 

You might be right.. something I should ponder more about

[Jamie Lynn84]

6 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

It means he says it when he means it but if you expect him to tell you he loves you all the time he isn't going to do that.
He is saying that over use of such words can render them meaningless and he is probably right.

Yeah, thank you for the advice.

[poppyfields]

You have two separate threads with the same title, I just responded on your other thread but will cut and paste it here as well.

---

No he wasn't BSing you, what it means is that HIS love language is not "words of affirmation,"  his LL might be "quality time" or "acts of service," meaning he expresses his affection/love through actions/deeds, NOT words.

I agree with him, words are often meaningless when not backed up by action, and when spoken too often, they can come off as contrived and "going through the motions" and lose their value versus genuine emotions coming from within one's heart.  

If me feeling the way you do, I would introspect to determine why it is you seek so much reassurance and external validation.   Strive to achieve these things internally.   

If he does not behave like a caring loving friend, then dump him but what I am sensing is that he does act like a good caring friend, but doesn't place the same value on "words of affirmation" the way you do and that is OKAY.

We all express affection in our own way and style, and it's wrong to impose OUR style on someone else just because it makes you feel unloved or insecure.

This is a "you" issue imo, not a "him" issue.

Love yourself.  Value yourself.  Validate yourself.   From within.

Once you do, you will manifest wonderful things and attract many people to you without even trying.

[Jamie Lynn84]

7 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Yes, your expectations are way too high and unreasonable.  

This guy sees you as a friend. You're not dating, but you seem to attach the same emotional expectations to him that one would do with a romantic partner. Your near-demand that he tells you again that he loves you is too much, and not fair. He is not obligated to tell you that, and it's clearly making him uncomfortable that you are being pushy about it and getting upset that he does not feel the way you do. He also probably doesn't want to fuel your crush any further. 

I think you need to take a deep breath, and a big step back from him. You're being over-bearing and you're too attached. He evidently cares about you but he doesn't have those feelings for you. You're treating this like a romantic relationship, but you're just friends. 

 

Yes, you may be right. Thank you

[Jamie Lynn84]

Just now, poppyfields said:

You have two separate threads with the same title, I just responded on your other thread but will cut and paste it here as well.

---

No he wasn't BSing you, what it means is that HIS love language is not "words of affirmation,"  his LL might be "quality time" or "acts of service," meaning he expresses his affection/love through actions/deeds, NOT words.

I agree with him, words are often meaningless when not backed up by action, and when spoken too often, they can come off as contrived and "going through the motions" and lose their value versus genuine emotions coming from within one's heart.  

If me feeling the way you do, I would introspect to determine why it is you seek so much reassurance and external validation.   Strive to achieve these things internally.   

If he does not behave like a caring loving friend, then dump him but what I am sensing is that he does act like a good caring friend, but doesn't place the same value on "words of affirmation" the way you do and that is OKAY.

We all express affection in our own way and style, and it's wrong to impose OUR style on someone else just because it makes you feel unloved or insecure.

This is a "you" issue imo, not a "him" issue.

Love yourself.  Value yourself.  Validate yourself.   From within.

Once you do, you will manifest wonderful things and attract many people to you without even trying.

Yes! I was not sure what to do!! I saw that there were no recent posts to the other and wasnt sure if I should post there.

[poppyfields]

Jamie Lynn, ask Admin to merge your two threads, it's confusing when you have two of the same exact thread running and receiving different responses on each.

Edited October 8, 2021 by poppyfields

[Jamie Lynn84]

1 minute ago, poppyfields said:

Jamie Lynn, ask Admin to merge your two threads, it's confusing when you have two of the same exact thread running and receiving different responses on each.

Ok, I am so sorry, how do I do that?

[Jamie Lynn84]

ok, I think I did it, I flagged it as duplicate

[Jamie Lynn84]

So I know you all seem to think my expectations are high, and maybe they are, BUT it was he who found the 5 love languages and asked me to read about them, so we could maybe better communicate because we seem to have an issue with communication and we do fight like a married couple..  we both deeply care about each other and would take a bullet for each other. I just had this recent thing happen today that made me question it.. I mean, I am not sure what I am questioning, other than the fact that I think I like reassurance, and he knows that, and he knows that him telling me this today made a HUGE differnce, and although it isnt his job to validate me, he knows that this helped tremendously how I perceived the balance of our friendship, BECAUSE of our communication styles, so I guess by him saying what he did about possibly not saying it again was hurtful.. maybe more of a sting to my ego that was high from getting to hear what I wanted..? if any of that makes sense, so maybe my brain was like, woah, wait.. maybe he didnt mean it.

[ExpatInItaly]

Friendships are generally not this complicated unless there are romantic feelings involved, OP. 

It seems you are really into him, but he's not into you the same way - and that's where the real problem is. 

[stillafool]

Once I was in love with a male friend of mine.  I told him one day because I was going to burst "I love you" and he said "I love you too" then we carried on friends as usual until he met this girl several months later.  He told me "I told her I loved her and she said I love you too, then I said to her "No. I'm in love with you."  That broke my heart.  See the difference.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Jamie Lynn84 said:

Ive been telling my best guy friend I love him for about a year now. He just told me today after a fight and almost a friend break up about communication and how I felt like we just arent on the same page "caring" wise and how I feel he doesnt care as much as I do, etc etc

How old is he? Does he have a GF?

It may be best to step back from this unrequited situation .

It's frustrating to be in the friendzone if you want a real BF.

Get on some quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting men for a lowkey coffee.

Don't use this friendship as a security blanket to avoid real dating/relationships.

 

[stillafool]

2 hours ago, poppyfields said:

If he does not behave like a caring loving friend, then dump him but what I am sensing is that he does act like a good caring friend, but doesn't place the same value on "words of affirmation" the way you do and that is OKAY.

This is just it I think.  She wants him to want her the way she wants him but he sees her only as a friend and I think she wants more.

[stillafool]

If this guy is just a platonic friend let me ask you, do require this type of language from your female friends as well?

[glows]

8 hours ago, Jamie Lynn84 said:

So I know you all seem to think my expectations are high, and maybe they are, BUT it was he who found the 5 love languages and asked me to read about them, so we could maybe better communicate because we seem to have an issue with communication and we do fight like a married couple..  we both deeply care about each other and would take a bullet for each other. I just had this recent thing happen today that made me question it.. I mean, I am not sure what I am questioning, other than the fact that I think I like reassurance, and he knows that, and he knows that him telling me this today made a HUGE differnce, and although it isnt his job to validate me, he knows that this helped tremendously how I perceived the balance of our friendship, BECAUSE of our communication styles, so I guess by him saying what he did about possibly not saying it again was hurtful.. maybe more of a sting to my ego that was high from getting to hear what I wanted..? if any of that makes sense, so maybe my brain was like, woah, wait.. maybe he didnt mean it.

You're going a mile a minute.. slow down. You both care about each other as friends so can you not feel it? Be still for awhile and just rest assured in that knowledge that you mentioned above. You might keep telling yourself that you need to hear it but maybe that is not true at all. You already know all the above so be confident in that and let it be. 

There's no need to pick apart everything he says. Let him be who he is too. 

[Dis]

Tbh, I think you might have killed the friendship

 

You said you've been telling him you love him for a YEAR now? Why? You knew he didn't feel the same way yet you kept disrespecting his boundaries AND you're treating him and imposing on him like you're his gf when he's made it very clear he doesn't feel that way about you. Do you not see this as embarrassing? 

 

That has to be a very, very uncomfortable position for him

 

As @poppyfieldssaid, you need to work on your sense of self worth. You need to love yourself much more than to pine after a man who doesn't feel the same way about you for an entire year

Edited October 9, 2021 by Dis

[ExpatInItaly]

22 hours ago, Dis said:

You said you've been telling him you love him for a YEAR now? Why? You knew he didn't feel the same way yet you kept disrespecting his boundaries

Yes, that was cringey to read in OP's post. 

I would be very uncomfortable if a friend kept telling me they loved me, while my lack of a similar response made it clear I did not enjoy hearing it.