Lost my girlfriend, stepson and daughter

[ExpatInItaly]

15 hours ago, Lewis321 said:

By this time in the relationship I knew how to handle things enable her so done a good job of reassuring her

Fixed that for you. 

[salmagund1]

6 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Fixed that for you. 

Yeah I did this too...worst mistake ever unless your goal is to totally emasculate yourself... 🙄

[Lewis321]

So I have already posted my whole story but this is something that has been bugging me. 

So due to my daughters violent and aggressive behaviour my ex said at the time that she didn't want her in her house anymore or wasn't comfortable getting in the car with her. 

My daughter would jump all over her furniture, attack in extreme cases and would destroy things. In the car she would try to escape out of the seat. 

So I respected her decision and we continued to try and make the relationship work for the next few weeks, one evening her son had a sleep over which meant she would be home alone, this never happens. 

So once her son had gone she suggested we all go out for a drive in the car, I went along with this because I was trying to get things to go back to normal. My daughter was good on this occasion and I thought nothing of it. 

The following week it was her parents anniversary. She has a sister and brother who have partners of their own. 

So the day prior to their anniversary she rang me to say we were all invited to a meal and to the zoo the following day and that we can stay over for the night and see how things go as a one off. 

We went to the meal, zoo, stayed overnight without any issues and even stayed a further 2 nights. 

Just so I'm making sense I have full time care of my daughter so she is with me 24/7. 

I felt we had a great time and left happy. 

So a few days later we were talking over the phone and I just asked what's the plan for the weekend with regards to staying over hers. 

She got angry at this and said she doesn't know because of my daughters behaviour to which I said I don't see the problem if she is behaving. 

On reflection I'm thinking that she only came in the car because she didn't want to be alone at home and we were only invited out with her family because she didn't want to be the only one there without a partner. 

She was a insecure person with many of the common signs there. 

[Wiseman2]

39 minutes ago, Lewis321 said:

due to my daughters violent and aggressive behaviour my ex said at the time that she didn't want her in her house anymore or wasn't comfortable getting in the car with her. My daughter would jump all over her furniture, attack in extreme cases and would destroy things. In the car she would try to escape out of the seat. I have full time care of my daughter so she is with me 24/7. 

Sorry to hear this. What do her pediatricians think? Does she see a child psychologist? Where is her mother?

Best not to date for a while until you get a better diagnosis and doctors to understand what's happening with her and arrange a better custody and childcare situation. Other single parents do not want their children at risk if your child is having violent behaviors.

[ExpatInItaly]

3 hours ago, Lewis321 said:

On reflection I'm thinking that she only came in the car because she didn't want to be alone at home and we were only invited out with her family because she didn't want to be the only one there without a partner. 

At this point, does it really change anything if she was insecure or not on this specific occasion?

The relationship was toxic, going by your other threads. Over-analyzing every incident is futile now. 

[Daisydooks]

On 10/7/2021 at 10:38 AM, Lewis321 said:

My ex gf broke up with me and I am trying to figure out if I am better off without her. 

The things she saud/done that I go over and over in my head are. 

She was very full on and dived into the relationship straight away. 

Right at the start of the relationship she was basically showing me off to her friend but afterwards was asking things like what do I think about her friend and what do I think about her friends body. 

If I accidentally cut my neck after shaving she would question where it came from and voice her concerns about it might have come from being with another girl. 

One night while getting into bed she randomly said I had a bunch of scram marks on my back and again was questioning where they came from. This one caused a big argument as to this day I have no idea what she was talking about 

On one occasion my phone had multiple notifications at the same time, I could tell this made her uncomfortable and she made a small remark about it. 

When we spent nights at hers I would leave my phone downstairs next to my daughter as she likes listening to music on YouTube while falling asleep. This again made her uncomfortable and I was accused of hiding things. 

I friend requested a old school friend and for some reason it went to follow. It was a girl of course. This happened before we were in a relationship so I forgot all about it until she noticed it while I was on fb one day. This one also caused a big argument and eventually she persuaded me to remove it. 

We were out at the fair once and I happened to pass a friends sister who noticed me and called my name to say hi. My ex was clearly upset by this saying things like who the f*** is she and putting her appearance down. By this time in the relationship I knew how to handle things so done a good job of reassuring her otherwise things woukd have gone south very quickly. 

In the beginning of the relationship she made a comment about she is impressed that I don't get hard while watching sexy movie scenes together. 

Then right at the end of the relationship I told her I'm going for a shave before leaving for work and I could tell she didn't like this. 

Am I over thinking things or was she just plain bad for me. 

She was the most caring, kindest and loving woman I've met and would have done anything for me but this behaviour was a concern for me considering I was going to propose in December. 

One last point once she got comfortable with me in the relationship this type of behaviour wasn't as frequent but still was happening. She also admitted to going through ex boyfriends phones without them knowing but said she had been to therapy for that. I don't think she ever done this to me as I woukd regularly give her my phone when she doubted me but she never took up my offer to look through it. 

She sounds completely unhinged. You are so much better off without her. Wow. She needs more therapy than she got and needs to return to therapy because if this is her behaviour AFTER therapy, she needs more or a different therapist entirely.  

Thank GOD she ended it before you proposed, got married or had children with her. This woman would have been a life ruiner. You dodged an insanely big bullet here. Run, dont walk

This is not how grown woman think, act or behave. I promise 

Edited October 13, 2021 by Daisydooks

[Lewis321]

Daisydooks thankyou. 

Best thing I've heard all say. 

[Lewis321]

I can't get my ex gf off my mind and its so frustrating. I've gone over and over the relationship many times in my head and know I gave it my best shot. 

I realise and understand that her actions were determental to the relationship but I can't stop thinking of her visually and physically. 

I know men are very visual, i can't stop thinking of how amazing she looked, her eyes, her smile, the way she moved. She was very attractive and sexy to me but I accept that her actions are damaging and unhealthy. 

I just want to stop thinking of her like this and become emotionally unattached to her. 

I have no interest in reconciliation I just want to detach from her. 

Any advice on this please. 

[glows]

Observe other women? Diversify, baby. 

I'm only half joking. Give yourself more time and be involved with other things, go out and hang out with friends. 

[Ishmael V]

22 hours ago, Lewis321 said:

I can't get my ex gf off my mind and its so frustrating. I've gone over and over the relationship many times in my head and know I gave it my best shot. 

I realise and understand that her actions were determental to the relationship but I can't stop thinking of her visually and physically. 

I know men are very visual, i can't stop thinking of how amazing she looked, her eyes, her smile, the way she moved. She was very attractive and sexy to me but I accept that her actions are damaging and unhealthy. 

I just want to stop thinking of her like this and become emotionally unattached to her. 

I have no interest in reconciliation I just want to detach from her. 

Any advice on this please. 

I'm kinda struggling myself too with those feelings. I know my ex gf wasn't the prettiest or sexiest woman I've ever met  (for my own standards) but we tend to exaggerate their attributes because we still are in love with them. What bothers me is that she has plenty of guys looking after her, better looking than me. I know it's not that easy to meet new girls right now, our confidence is somehow damaged when we leave a toxic relationship. But I can tell you that if you have a job, or maybe you're still in school and have some friends you'll probably have better chances to move on and meet other people. Don't aim to get a new relationship right away, just talk, hang out, travel alone if you can. Get emotional support from your friends and if you can't do those things, take care of your mental health and find some professional therapist. 

And this comes from someone who already have lost 4 years of his life living someone else's dreams. I knew from the beginning that I wasn't in a healthy relationship but as you probably would know, we tend to let bad things away and we found ourselves attached emotionally to people who doesn't deserve our attention. You probably think you've lost the most beautiful girl in your life, but c'mon, you can be the most beautiful person she have lost. Take care of yourself, workout hard, hang out with your friends, challenge you every day and the sooner you start, the sooner you'll forget about anyone

Edited October 14, 2021 by Ishmael V

[Lewis321]

Hi all, I'm starting to realise that I may have been love bombed in my relationship that has recently ended. 

It's tough for me to figure out because we started dating a matter of days before my birthday. She made a birthday cake for me, brought me a bag of gifts, ordered takeaway and even bought a bag of gifts for my daughters. At the time I thought this was unusual but was so overjoyed I overlooked it. As mentioned in previous posts the relationship was rushed on her part, she invited us to spend Xmas at hers after only being in a relationship for 2 months, was talking about kids and marriage guite soon. Again all this at the time made me feel great but only now I'm realising these signs. 

I think she loved me because she put up with a lot of abusive behaviour from my daughter and I think she was attracted to me from the way she would act around me, she was a submissive girl saying things like she's never met anyone like me or she's never been loved the way I love her. 

I'm just struggling with the idea of did she ever want me for me or did she just want validation as she was very insecure. We lived in the same neighbourhood and she stated she never normally dates men from the same neighbourhood but she wanted me enough. She said later in the relationship that she loved me and knew I was the one from the first date. My ego and confidence is taking a battering right now. 

I considered myself quite good at dating, building and maintaining attraction and being a loving partner sending random flowers etc. I just don't know what to think. Did she rush things because she wanted me or because she just wanted someone, she said she was quite happy being on her own before she met me. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Lewis321 said:

 I think she loved me because she put up with a lot of abusive behaviour from my daughter 

It seems like it started out good and with good intentions on both sides.

The phrase "love bombing" indicates that you think she was insincere or had some ulterior motives. But that makes no sense.

However the obvious reason is your daughters violent, unstable and untreated/undertreated medical and psychosocial problems.

That slowly eroded the relationship until this woman had to protect herself her kids and her home.

How is the co-parenting? Have you been to a pediatric psychiatrist and neurologist to help her?

Start there. Once your child is in a better place, dating will be easier especially if you refrain from trying to accelerate blending families.

[Nothanks]

 It sounds like you are “pain shopping”.  Trying to make sense of it all and going over things again and again in your mind. It won’t lead to a different conclusion and it keeps you in an unhealthy loop.  You have probably heard people here talk about going “no contact” with an ex.  In addition to shutting down all avenues of communication with an ex, you should also try to exercise mental “no contact”.  That means identifying when your thoughts wander to thinking of her, recognizing it is not productive to go there and then refocusing your thoughts on other things.. It sounds like you have a lot of other matters to attend to in your life. Make your children your focus of your thoughts for now.

[Lewis321]

You are spot on. I have gone no contact, got rid of any reminders etc but no matter how hard I try I cannot stop thinking about her or the relationship. 

[Nothanks]

I don’t know if this helps but I’ve heard that some people wear a rubber band around their wrist and when the negative thoughts come, snap the band to bring them out of it and help them refocus. I don’t think that is necessary myself but whatever works for you.