Lost my girlfriend, stepson and daughter

[Lewis321]

Hi all, really feeling low and looking for some comfort. I will make my story as simple as possible then expand on things later if needs be. 

So I have 2 daughters, the youngest has had challenging behaviour since she was 3 and a half, she is now 7. Their mum abruptly left the family home March 2020. No contact or support atol until recently. 

I spent 5 months recovering and met a girl that I had my eye on and really liked for a while, went on a date and she was super into me. In hindsight she rushed the relationship a lot. Spending Xmas together as a 'family' only 2 months into the relationship. Embracing each others kids immediately even before we were officially together spending nights over hers, days out etc. Yes I know I went along with it but I was on cloud 9 at the time. So we get into the new year and things start to get abit tricky, she was very insecure and would imply that I was cheating when I gave her no reason to at the time. At the same time the novelty of the relationship was wearing off for the kids and my youngest daughters behaviour started to become a problem for us. I woukd say I was a really good bf overall, helped out, supported her, was patient, knew how to turn her on. I believe I had it all covered and that she was in the palm of my hand. She was insecure about her weight and at one point told me she resented me because of my size, I am a thim lad. She would question silly things like if I missed a call or if my phone pinged a few times in succession. My only real mistake was casually talking to this woman who she pre warned me she wasn't comfortable with but it was only platonic, she refused to see it that way. 

So we get into the summer and my daughter behaviour is so bad we are not welcome in her home anymore but we're still together and trying to make it work. I eventually decided to get social services and her mother involved as I felt I've done everything I could for her. 

My gf was supportive of this but at the same time changing her mind regularly about what she wanted. One minute she would say if we can get her behaviour sorted we can go back to normal then the next stating she never wants anything to do with her ever again. Once social services and her mother were involved we were arguing more often as social were inconsistant and her jealousy and anxiety towards their mum being back on the scene was obvious. I feel I done all i could in reassuring her she is the only one for me. So a few weeks back the 3 of us were invited to her parents anniversary dinner and to stay at hers overnight, no bad behaviour from my daughter and we stayed a further 2 nights and went out to the zoo and fair, again no bad behaviour. 

So a few days went by and I was under the impression that things were kind of back to normal, we were messaging in the week and I asked what's happening about coming down on the weekend. 

She said she doesn't know as it's complicated with my daughter to which I replied I don't see the issue if she's behaving. We argued about it she said I'm forcing things and I just don't listen. I lost my cool abit and snapped saying I don't want a phone relationship to which she said don't then. I rang the next day when I'd calmed down, we spoke but she was adamant we should split. Over the next 3 weeks I done some pleading the first week but then went no contact. She gave all my stuff back on the third week and I haven't heard from her since. I realise she probably doesn't want to take on my struggles and I also realise some things about her that I didnt like, mainly the insecureities but I do really love and miss her and am having a hard time coping. Shortly after this it was agreed that my youngest daughter should live with mum and I have some access but as soon as she moved in with her she is refusing all contact and now I have to ho through court to try and get some access. She is being assessed for adhd but I am starting to think she could be a physcopath, yes a horrible thing to say but I do really believe it. 

Her mum has a lot of narssasistic trait which I believe she inherits also. I truly love my dauter but if I'm totally honest she isn't a very nice person. 

I am so lost, confused and lonely. It is only me and my eldest daughter left, she refuses to see her mum atol. 

[vla1120]

You've had a lot of major changes in a short period of time. Is it her mother, or the child that is refusing access? If it is the mother, definitely pursue it in court. If it is the 7 year old daughter, someone needs to put their foot down with her and set some strict boundaries and expectations. 

I am glad social services is involved. I hope they are providing services to help your daughter and her mother. I know that scenario can be very difficult, especially if she is dealing with a personality disorder, for which all the medication and therapy in the world will probably not help. 

On to your relationship with the girlfriend - You cannot control her so all you can do is accept that she seems to be done with the relationship. Have you reached out and let her know that your youngest is now living with her mother? Have you explained to her that dealing with a 7 year old child that has such debilitating issues that you need to get social services involved in itself is a very stressful situation? Maybe she is not the one for you if she cannot understand that you still need to have a relationship with your daughter, and your children need to be your priority. You also do not want to ignore those red flags - not only the insecurity, but (most importantly) her unwillingness to be supportive of your situation with your young child. 

There are many, MANY fish in the sea, my friend.

 

 

 

 

[Lewis321]

vla1120

Things got worse between me and my ex once social were involved, she could see I was stressed by it all. I explained to her that I had arranged for my daughter to move in with mum but she wasn't convinced. She said I kept putting things off and didn't do it soon enough. Daughters mum is saying that she doesn't want to see me but I believe she is trying to alienate her against me. I already have a court date but she is under safeguarding so not sure how that will go. 

I am just so conflicted because my ex was a lovely person and would have done anything for me but yes her jealousy and insecurities were a concern. 

[vla1120]

The jealousy and insecurities are understandably a concern. Also, at no point in time should a significant other say or do anything in a negative manner that would interfere with the relationship between a parent and a child (meaning that your relationship should NOT have soured once you were taking steps to involve social services to help you with your daughter.) The fact that your daughter was not welcome in her home is concerning, if she wants a serious relationship with you. Basically, in my mind, that's asking you to pick between her and your daughter. In that case, the kids always win and should be the first priority. 

Your daughter is 7 years old and needs as much of a support system as possible. If your ex-gf is not strong enough to offer you the support you will need moving forward, well then, you probably dodged a bullet. Parental alienation with your ex-wife is a totally different issue, and I am glad you are going to court. 

[Lewis321]

Her son has autism so it was affecting his emotional well being as he was copying some of my daughters negative behaviours so I understand that she wasn't welcome there. What annoyed me is the next week she was then it went back to not beng allowed again. I said to her I understand but you need to decide something and stick to it. I think she started to think about leaving me once social were involved and our argument was the tipping point. I have no idea when or if I can see or speak to my daughter and it is ruining me. 

[vla1120]

13 minutes ago, Lewis321 said:

Her son has autism so it was affecting his emotional well being as he was copying some of my daughters negative behaviours so I understand that she wasn't welcome there. What annoyed me is the next week she was then it went back to not beng allowed again. I said to her I understand but you need to decide something and stick to it. I think she started to think about leaving me once social were involved and our argument was the tipping point. I have no idea when or if I can see or speak to my daughter and it is ruining me. 

Hang in there. You have a court date. Keep social services involved, as (hopefully) an advocate for you. I am sure they will recommend it is best for your daughter to have visitation with you. Do you have a lawyer? I am not sure where you live. We have lawyers in our area that specialize in parental alienation, if it looks like that is what is happening. 

I can see where her son having autism would make it difficult. She also has to advocate for her own child. I understand that. Honestly, I am sorry you find yourself in this position. While it would be nice to have your girlfriend to lean on, maybe this time alone will help you concentrate on your daughter's needs. Do as much research as you can online (and with the input of professionals) about what conditions your daughter may have, and how best to parent those conditions. This will take your mind off your girlfriend. Who knows? Maybe when some time has passed, the two of you can reconnect. If not, though, don't let it derail you. 

[Lewis321]

Thankyou

A lawyer is going to he too expensive for me so I will have to represent myself. I strongly believe my daughter will get a adhd diagnosis but also believe she has phsycotic traits. As for my ex yes it hurts immensely but I will not reconcile. I just want to not pine for her anymore.

[Lewis321]

Fun topic everyone. 

I want to see all your weirdest forms of breadcrumbs that you've received from a ex. 

I had one from my ex recently which was x2 automated sos messages, x2 photos one of her son and a pic of her looking sad and a short voicenote made out as if she sent it all by mistake. At the same time she text apologising for sending them as her and her son were fighting over the phone. 

[vla1120]

3 minutes ago, Lewis321 said:

I just want to not pine for her anymore.

That will take time. Throw yourself into time with your kids, projects around the house, exercise and activities. For me, the exercise was great because it helped me sleep well at night!

[Lewis321]

Thanks again

[glows]

Given that this was a whirlwind and quick romance that progressed quickly only five months after the children's mother left home, I can see why your most recent ex is insecure. It's better to be respectful of your ex's reasons and focus on being a good father to your children. If your daughter refuses to speak with you, you will have to respect that. Don't jump to conclusions about her having narcissistic traits from her mother for example or being psychotic. That's damaging to your relationship and you're already expecting the worst out of her. To be frank I think your ex realized some things about you and decided that you are not the right man for her. 

Keep focusing on your obligations as a dad and being there for your kids. It'll keep your mind off of this until the edge wears off. Break ups hurt so give it more time and don't jump into any other relationships too soon.

Edited October 6, 2021 by glows

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Lewis321 said:

Fun topic everyone. 

I want to see all your weirdest forms of breadcrumbs that you've received from a ex. 

I had one from my ex recently which was x2 automated sos messages, x2 photos one of her son and a pic of her looking sad and a short voicenote made out as if she sent it all by mistake. At the same time she text apologising for sending them as her and her son were fighting over the phone. 

Funny. This is why deleting and blocking exes is the best course of action.

[mark clemson]

I suspect that one piece of the puzzle here is that both you and the exGF have an "insecure attachment style". This explains a lot - why you (both) "moved so fast," her trust issues, why you're still pining for her, and why you tolerated your wife if she is a narcissist, etc.

You are probably right that the exGF doesn't want to deal with your daughter's behavioral issues long term. I strongly suspect that part of her adamant refusal to restart things is that she has simply devoted herself to chasing her next romantic prospect (quite quickly).

Consider seeing a therapist so that you can get to the point where you feel emotionally secure being on your own. A good one may be able to provide some coping mechanisms for you for your daughter (and to a certain extent your Ex as well). In time you should be in a place to start a more emotionally healthy, and presumably longer-lasting, relationship.

Edited October 6, 2021 by mark clemson

[Wiseman2]

12 hours ago, Lewis321 said:

. I strongly believe my daughter will get a adhd diagnosis but also believe she has phsycotic traits. 

The best thing to do is get an excellent pediatrician's evaluation. That way you can get appropriate treatment and management for your child.

Your focus needs to be on appropriate co-parenting with your kids'mother.

Not battles with women you are dating regarding your child's behavioral health.

Get rid of this woman. You're not ready to date. You're still legally married and you have a special needs child to worry about first.

[Blind-Sided]

I just ignore ex's.  Makes life easier. 

[Lewis321]

My ex gf broke up with me and I am trying to figure out if I am better off without her. 

The things she saud/done that I go over and over in my head are. 

She was very full on and dived into the relationship straight away. 

Right at the start of the relationship she was basically showing me off to her friend but afterwards was asking things like what do I think about her friend and what do I think about her friends body. 

If I accidentally cut my neck after shaving she would question where it came from and voice her concerns about it might have come from being with another girl. 

One night while getting into bed she randomly said I had a bunch of scram marks on my back and again was questioning where they came from. This one caused a big argument as to this day I have no idea what she was talking about 

On one occasion my phone had multiple notifications at the same time, I could tell this made her uncomfortable and she made a small remark about it. 

When we spent nights at hers I would leave my phone downstairs next to my daughter as she likes listening to music on YouTube while falling asleep. This again made her uncomfortable and I was accused of hiding things. 

I friend requested a old school friend and for some reason it went to follow. It was a girl of course. This happened before we were in a relationship so I forgot all about it until she noticed it while I was on fb one day. This one also caused a big argument and eventually she persuaded me to remove it. 

We were out at the fair once and I happened to pass a friends sister who noticed me and called my name to say hi. My ex was clearly upset by this saying things like who the f*** is she and putting her appearance down. By this time in the relationship I knew how to handle things so done a good job of reassuring her otherwise things woukd have gone south very quickly. 

In the beginning of the relationship she made a comment about she is impressed that I don't get hard while watching sexy movie scenes together. 

Then right at the end of the relationship I told her I'm going for a shave before leaving for work and I could tell she didn't like this. 

Am I over thinking things or was she just plain bad for me. 

She was the most caring, kindest and loving woman I've met and would have done anything for me but this behaviour was a concern for me considering I was going to propose in December. 

One last point once she got comfortable with me in the relationship this type of behaviour wasn't as frequent but still was happening. She also admitted to going through ex boyfriends phones without them knowing but said she had been to therapy for that. I don't think she ever done this to me as I woukd regularly give her my phone when she doubted me but she never took up my offer to look through it. 

[elaine567]

39 minutes ago, Lewis321 said:

My ex gf broke up with me and I am trying to figure out if I am better off without her. 

Why?
SHE dumped YOU. I guess from what you say, because she couldn't trust you
You will have to be better off without her as I highly doubt she will be back...
Stop obsessing about her and her problems, she is gone. 
Start thinking about you and make plans to move on without her.

[Lewis321]

If you read my other post she left because of other issues regarding my daughter. Easier said than done to stop obsessing over someone you loved. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Lewis321 said:

I accidentally cut my neck after shaving she would question where it came from and voice her concerns about it might have come from being with another girl. 

Sounds like you dodged a bullet. 

[ShyViolet]

I think you are definitely better off without her.  This bad relationship needed to end.  Behavior like this only gets worse.

[salmagund1]

I can relate to this pretty well.    You can read my posts if you like but I recently learned that when a woman is pushing hard and fast to be in a relationship with you, and is impatient for things to progress...its a really bad sign.  

 

In my case it was because of someone with a great deal of insecurity who needed to be in a relationship to get some kind of external validation.   The thing is, I realize now that she was much more in love with love than she was with me.   

Jealousy is also a problem when it is to this degree.   It leads her to be emotionally abusive and controlling.   

This was never going to turn out well in my opinion and I think in a few months you will agree that you were lucky this ended when it did.   In my opinion anyway...

[Lewis321]

Unfortunately this was my situation, very sad to read but also very true. I thought I was killing it because of how into me she was. 

[glows]

She doesn't trust you and is insecure also in the relationship. Best to move on and it's a good thing that she ended it. 

[salmagund1]

34 minutes ago, Lewis321 said:

Unfortunately this was my situation, very sad to read but also very true. I thought I was killing it because of how into me she was. 

I know that feeling.   I felt the same way when I was up on the pedestal and everything was going great.   It didn't last...

[kendahke]

Quote

Was my ex gf insecure and too sensetive

Well, given the laundry list you posted, does that really matter now that she's quit the relationship?

I mean... yes... and?

Edited October 8, 2021 by kendahke