Iwaskangz Posted October 3, 2021 Share Posted October 3, 2021 (edited) I understand how stupid this question sounds because it's kind of asking how to have my cake and eat it too but I just feel like having a whine on the internet if that's cool with you guys. Basically I've only had a couple of girlfriends over the years. The start of the relationships I quite enjoyed but after a few months I just find them anxiety inducing and crave being alone again. After my second girlfriend (which was really just a fling that lasted a couple of months and ended badly) I just gave up on looking for someone new and started seeing escorts to get my needs met. I don't really want to spend any more money on escorts. I think it's basically a waste of money. I'll feel satisfied for a day or so and then just start feeling not great again. I like cuddling with someone and having the feeling that there's someone thinking about you when you're away from them. That part of relationship is a good feeling. The bad aspects I don't like are the arguing over nothing, the increasing demands and basically the lack of freedom I have to do what I want whenever I want. It's kind of like I'm not happy being single or in a relationship because neither is totally satisfactory to me. On the one hand you have peace and loneliness and on the other you have Drama with affection and companionship. I don't really know what's better. I think I would rather cultivate being lonely than being with someone who makes my life difficult but I'm not really happy in either situation. Before you guys start saying I just need to find the right person who doesn't introduce drama into my life I'm very skeptical that's a thing that exists. I think there's a honeymoon stage to relationships and I think after that ends the realities of male and female incompatibility just start to naturally happen. Some men can deal with it and some men can't. Edited October 3, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator language Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted October 4, 2021 Share Posted October 4, 2021 There are many people in this world who want to casually date but who don't want a long term relationship. It sounds like you are one of them, and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that, as long as you are honest about it from the beginning. You can put yourself out there and date, and be clear with people that you're not looking for a serious relationship. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted October 4, 2021 Share Posted October 4, 2021 4 hours ago, Iwaskangz said: Before you guys start saying I just need to find the right person who doesn't introduce drama into my life I'm very skeptical that's a thing that exists. I think there's a honeymoon stage to relationships and I think after that ends the realities of male and female incompatibility just start to naturally happen. Some men can deal with it and some men can't. Did you know that same sex couples also bicker and disagree? It's not about gender incompatibility, it's about partner incompatibility. And while some degree of bickering is, to a certain extent 'normal', other bickering and fighting just points to incompatibility between the two people. Or one of the partners having poor skills with solving disagreements. That said, there is more than one option to you: As ShyViolet said, you could just be upfront about only wanting to date casually. Or perhaps find a partner who has a super busy life, doesn't want to co-habit and, like you, wants a partner who's happy to catch up only when it suits both of you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted October 4, 2021 Share Posted October 4, 2021 Unfortunately it seems you have trouble getting along with people. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Iwaskangz Posted October 4, 2021 Author Share Posted October 4, 2021 7 hours ago, basil67 said: Did you know that same sex couples also bicker and disagree? It's not about gender incompatibility, it's about partner incompatibility. And while some degree of bickering is, to a certain extent 'normal', other bickering and fighting just points to incompatibility between the two people. Or one of the partners having poor skills with solving disagreements. That said, there is more than one option to you: As ShyViolet said, you could just be upfront about only wanting to date casually. Or perhaps find a partner who has a super busy life, doesn't want to co-habit and, like you, wants a partner who's happy to catch up only when it suits both of you. Yeah I would agree. Incompatibility isn't just a gender thing but I am one of those people who think that men and women are different so I think some conflict is always going to happen. It just comes down to how much people can handle. Yeah casual dating seems like the best option. It's a lot of work though. It eats up a lot of time. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Iwaskangz Posted October 4, 2021 Author Share Posted October 4, 2021 3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: Unfortunately it seems you have trouble getting along with people. Not really. I get on with people fine. I get on fine with my parents. I get on fine with my brothers and sisters. I get on fine with my friends. I just find relationships difficult so I don't think it's fair to say I have trouble getting on with people. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted October 4, 2021 Share Posted October 4, 2021 (edited) Being in a good relationship is like being on a team. You need to do what's best for the team, not just you as an individual. Learn to stop arguing over nothing. You need better conflict resolution skills to do that. I always liked getting into relationships but there always came a point when things got annoying & stressful. In the beginning I would be so focused on the relationship that I would let things slide, like laundry, grocery shopping etc. to focus on the new person. Then life would get in the way & I would have to address the mundane but because we hadn't established the relationship exactly it was tough. At that point you bail. Instead of finding a balance you just run away & then you are alone again. You need to do the work to find the right balance between having the alone time you need / want & being a good partner. It's a tough time as you work through that but once you find that sweet spot you get both -- some time to yourself & a healthy relationship. Edited October 4, 2021 by d0nnivain 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted October 4, 2021 Share Posted October 4, 2021 (edited) 19 hours ago, Iwaskangz said: The bad aspects I don't like are the arguing over nothing, the increasing demands and basically the lack of freedom I have to do what I want whenever I want. Been with H for over 12 years, we rarely argue or make "demands" of each other. We are free to do pretty much whatever we want. If by "freedom" you mean "freedom to flirt and sleep with other people" or "freedom to spend all day watching TV while the partner handles all the responsibilities of living" or "freedom to basically ignore your partner for a week", then no we don't have that... but neither of us wants to do that, so the point is moot. Quote It's kind of like I'm not happy being single or in a relationship because neither is totally satisfactory to me. On the one hand you have peace and loneliness and on the other you have Drama with affection and companionship. I don't really know what's better. I think I would rather cultivate being lonely than being with someone who makes my life difficult but I'm not really happy in either situation. Before you guys start saying I just need to find the right person who doesn't introduce drama into my life I'm very skeptical that's a thing that exists. Possibly doesn't exist for you, if you're not a LTR sort of person. I assure you it does exist for some of us. Quote the realities of male and female incompatibility just start to naturally happen. Uhh... what? Maybe this is why you're having problems, lol. 7 hours ago, Iwaskangz said: Yeah casual dating seems like the best option. It's a lot of work though. It eats up a lot of time. Do you always expect to get the things you want in life without putting in work and time? Of course nobody is going to want to have affection and companionship with a person who wants to put no work or time into their relationship or dates (unless they're a hooker - but you don't want to pay money either). Would YOU want to have "affection" with a woman who showed up at your place completely ungroomed, wearing sweatpants with stains on them, and proceeded to spend all night using your Playstation and ignoring you? Edited October 4, 2021 by Elswyth Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted October 4, 2021 Share Posted October 4, 2021 A great relationship or marriage can truly be a wonderful thing but finding that is like winning the lottery. Some of us such as myself are lucky enough to have won the relationship lottery but most of the time it is people who barely tolerate each other trying to make something work and failing miserably. Look around and ask yourself how many couples together for more than five years are truly happy and genuinely like and love each other. It is better to just keep it casual with people and enjoy that honeymoon stage until it expires unless you get lucky enough to win the love lottery. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Iwaskangz Posted October 4, 2021 Author Share Posted October 4, 2021 2 hours ago, Elswyth said: Been with H for over 12 years, we rarely argue or make "demands" of each other. We are free to do pretty much whatever we want. If by "freedom" you mean "freedom to flirt and sleep with other people" or "freedom to spend all day watching TV while the partner handles all the responsibilities of living" or "freedom to basically ignore your partner for a week", then no we don't have that... but neither of us wants to do that, so the point is moot. Possibly doesn't exist for you, if you're not a LTR sort of person. I assure you it does exist for some of us. Uhh... what? Maybe this is why you're having problems, lol. Do you always expect to get the things you want in life without putting in work and time? Of course nobody is going to want to have affection and companionship with a person who wants to put no work or time into their relationship or dates (unless they're a hooker - but you don't want to pay money either). Would YOU want to have "affection" with a woman who showed up at your place completely ungroomed, wearing sweatpants with stains on them, and proceeded to spend all night using your Playstation and ignoring you? That sounds good. Maybe you just agree with her all the time and that's why you never argue or maybe she has pretty good temperment. Who knows. No I don't expect the things I want in life without work and effort. I mean dating costs a lot of money over the long term and takes up a lot of time. Time I would probably rather probably spend doing something else. Dating can be very awkward and a large waste of time too. Uh, you're wrong about hookers. They expect their clients to be showered well groomed and nicely dressed usually. Can't say I'm always nicely dressed but hygiene and being in shape is important to me. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Iwaskangz Posted October 4, 2021 Author Share Posted October 4, 2021 2 hours ago, Woggle said: A great relationship or marriage can truly be a wonderful thing but finding that is like winning the lottery. Some of us such as myself are lucky enough to have won the relationship lottery but most of the time it is people who barely tolerate each other trying to make something work and failing miserably. Look around and ask yourself how many couples together for more than five years are truly happy and genuinely like and love each other. It is better to just keep it casual with people and enjoy that honeymoon stage until it expires unless you get lucky enough to win the love lottery. I agree full heartedly. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Iwaskangz Posted October 4, 2021 Author Share Posted October 4, 2021 7 hours ago, d0nnivain said: Being in a good relationship is like being on a team. You need to do what's best for the team, not just you as an individual. Learn to stop arguing over nothing. You need better conflict resolution skills to do that. I always liked getting into relationships but there always came a point when things got annoying & stressful. In the beginning I would be so focused on the relationship that I would let things slide, like laundry, grocery shopping etc. to focus on the new person. Then life would get in the way & I would have to address the mundane but because we hadn't established the relationship exactly it was tough. At that point you bail. Instead of finding a balance you just run away & then you are alone again. You need to do the work to find the right balance between having the alone time you need / want & being a good partner. It's a tough time as you work through that but once you find that sweet spot you get both -- some time to yourself & a healthy relationship. Yeah. Would be great to find that sweet spot. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted October 4, 2021 Share Posted October 4, 2021 It's about give & take. But you can't just cut & run. You have to make the effort. You do things for your partner that are not your favorite & they do things for you. My husband calls it partici-hating (instead of participating). For instance he went shopping with me this weekend but I shopped fast & was OK with him walking ahead to stores he was more interested in. Balance. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Weezy1973 Posted October 5, 2021 Share Posted October 5, 2021 I remember reading once that the majority of “marriage problems” are actually living together problems. How about a relationship where you never life together? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Redpilled Posted October 5, 2021 Share Posted October 5, 2021 On 10/3/2021 at 11:36 PM, Iwaskangz said: I think there's a honeymoon stage to relationships and I think after that ends the realities of male and female incompatibility just start to naturally happen. Some men can deal with it and some men can't. No that's just not true and escorts aren't a waste of money either. Frivolous relationships are. You would gain a lot by reading about the "Big 5" personality model and its implications for compatibility. Lot's of men and women are highly compatible, but your dating criteria is probably skewed because you don't understand this stuff. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted October 5, 2021 Share Posted October 5, 2021 You are opting out of relationships, Why you are doing it, I don't really know, but suffice to say people who for one reason or another "opt out" of forming close relationships usually live to regret it. The escorts fill the void somewhat but they do not really care about you, and if you continue down this path, you will ultimately find no-one does and that is a very lonely place to be. As you age friends and family disperse and get on with their own lives, older relatives start dying off. With no partner or family of your own you become the spare wheel, the oddity... Yes you may be the happy loner, but you need to think carefully before writing something off which you hardly experienced. A sum total of one plus a short fling is not enough evidence to make potentially life changing decisions on Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted October 5, 2021 Share Posted October 5, 2021 15 hours ago, Weezy1973 said: I remember reading once that the majority of “marriage problems” are actually living together problems. How about a relationship where you never life together? I second that this might be something for you to consider. "Living Apart Together" is a thing for some. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted October 5, 2021 Share Posted October 5, 2021 4 minutes ago, mark clemson said: I second that this might be something for you to consider. "Living Apart Together" is a thing for some. Yes it can be, but he actually needs to get into a relationship first... and sort out his thinking as regards "natural" male/female incompatibility... Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted October 5, 2021 Share Posted October 5, 2021 ^^ perhaps you're right. I'm not interested in exploring OP's personal views and/or having him justify them, but perhaps that would be helpful for him if there are those who do have the inclination. I'm not sure that it's actually wrong, at least at a high level - it seems humans are designed for serial monogamy; so we tend to be very attracted at the start, but then that "wears off" and frictions often arise. Thus LTRs need "work" etc, etc. A certain level of incompatibility may be part of that, although I tend to agree it's the specific male and female involved that determine just how extensive the incompatibilities may be and/or what coping strategies are used to ameliorate them. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
vla1120 Posted October 7, 2021 Share Posted October 7, 2021 It sounds like your best type of relationship would be a friends with benefits relationship, where she wants to remain as detached as you, but doesn't mind having a Netflix and chill night here and there. The danger in that is if/when one of you catches feelings for the other or develops expectations for the other (wanting to know where you are, what you're doing, etc.) While you are in this single stage, maybe you would consider talking to someone about why you have no interest in a long-term relationship. You might change your mind about relationships once you figure out your aversion to them. Until then, there is nothing wrong with not wanting to go along with the societal expections of marriage, babies, a house in the suburbs, etc. You just need to remain very upfront with anyone you are seeing about what you're looking for (or not looking for) and at the first sign that they are not taking you seriously, swipe left. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
dramafreezone Posted October 7, 2021 Share Posted October 7, 2021 (edited) On 10/3/2021 at 3:36 PM, Iwaskangz said: I understand how stupid this question sounds because it's kind of asking how to have my cake and eat it too but I just feel like having a whine on the internet if that's cool with you guys. Basically I've only had a couple of girlfriends over the years. The start of the relationships I quite enjoyed but after a few months I just find them anxiety inducing and crave being alone again. After my second girlfriend (which was really just a fling that lasted a couple of months and ended badly) I just gave up on looking for someone new and started seeing escorts to get my needs met. I don't really want to spend any more money on escorts. I think it's basically a waste of money. I'll feel satisfied for a day or so and then just start feeling not great again. I like cuddling with someone and having the feeling that there's someone thinking about you when you're away from them. That part of relationship is a good feeling. The bad aspects I don't like are the arguing over nothing, the increasing demands and basically the lack of freedom I have to do what I want whenever I want. It's kind of like I'm not happy being single or in a relationship because neither is totally satisfactory to me. On the one hand you have peace and loneliness and on the other you have Drama with affection and companionship. I don't really know what's better. I think I would rather cultivate being lonely than being with someone who makes my life difficult but I'm not really happy in either situation. Before you guys start saying I just need to find the right person who doesn't introduce drama into my life I'm very skeptical that's a thing that exists. I think there's a honeymoon stage to relationships and I think after that ends the realities of male and female incompatibility just start to naturally happen. Some men can deal with it and some men can't. There are more options than escorts or exclusive relationships. How about meeting women that just like to date without exclusivity? Not every woman is looking to lock a man down. But you have to understand that the "friends with benefits" women are going to be more common in certain age groups. You can't just expect any woman to go along with your plan, just be clear as to what you want. Maybe you're doing things to attract relationship-minded women. Edited October 7, 2021 by dramafreezone 1 Link to post Share on other sites
poppyfields Posted October 7, 2021 Share Posted October 7, 2021 (edited) 1 hour ago, vla1120 said: It sounds like your best type of relationship would be a friends with benefits relationship, where she wants to remain as detached as you, but doesn't mind having a Netflix and chill night here and there. The danger in that is if/when one of you catches feelings for the other or develops expectations for the other (wanting to know where you are, what you're doing, etc.) If you are familiar with certain aspects of eastern philosophy/Buddhism, one can remain "detached" but still develop romantic feelings for another person, those two things are not mutually exclusive. By detached, I am referring to outcome independent, less expectations, less demands, less restrictions, less dependency, more freedom, more pure love. OP, what you have described and averse to are "traditional" relationships within which codependency, expectations, restrictions and drama are pretty much the norm. Personally I cannot think of anything LESS rewarding or conducive to developing a deep connection with another human being based on pure love and mutual respect. There are like-minded people in this world, I promise you. Perhaps seek out organizations that aspire to these beliefs where you can interact with like-minded women regularly and form connections naturally and organically. I can say in all honesty I abhor any type of drama and arguments. I seek harmony and peace in my relationships. I also promote a certain distance in my relationships, while still remaining close emotionally. Physical proximity and feeling emotional close are not one in the same. I believe in always feeling free and allowing my partner to feel free. If either of us wants to leave, we are free to leave. I would never wish to hold my partner back from anything he wishes to do, including another woman if he so desires. He is free to go with my blessing. Relationships are NOT prisons, yet this is what I am surrounded by it seems. People wanting to stifle their partners with all these arbitrary rules and restrictions based on their own anxieties and insecurities (fear based) that have literally zero to do with PURE LOVE for another human being that should not involve any of those things imho. Edited October 7, 2021 by poppyfields 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ZA Dater Posted October 8, 2021 Share Posted October 8, 2021 On 10/5/2021 at 12:41 PM, elaine567 said: You are opting out of relationships, Why you are doing it, I don't really know, but suffice to say people who for one reason or another "opt out" of forming close relationships usually live to regret it. The escorts fill the void somewhat but they do not really care about you, and if you continue down this path, you will ultimately find no-one does and that is a very lonely place to be. As you age friends and family disperse and get on with their own lives, older relatives start dying off. With no partner or family of your own you become the spare wheel, the oddity... Yes you may be the happy loner, but you need to think carefully before writing something off which you hardly experienced. A sum total of one plus a short fling is not enough evidence to make potentially life changing decisions on Why do they regret it? Based on the OP it would seem any relationship he has had was unrewarding, if something is not pleasant then why even bother doing it? How does opting out of something unpleasant lead to regrets? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
poppyfields Posted October 8, 2021 Share Posted October 8, 2021 (edited) 2 hours ago, ZA Dater said: Why do they regret it? Based on the OP it would seem any relationship he has had was unrewarding, if something is not pleasant then why even bother doing it? How does opting out of something unpleasant lead to regrets? I agree ZA, saying one will regret is a broad generalization, and something society promotes, but not right for everyone and that's OK. Many people regret being IN committed relationships. People can hurt us, disappoint us, cause stress, anxiety, can become burdensome on our individual freedoms and choices. In some (perhaps even many) cases, emotionally (and physically) destroy (become violent). Society should start aspiring to a different framework imo. Internal validation, self-love, self-reliance, individualism, freedom, honesty and pure love from the heart and soul. Free from neediness, co-dependency, petty jealously, possessiveness, restrictions, deception. Ironically, and this has been proven and true in many relationships, the more individual freedom you allow someone, less restrictions and dependency, the LESS likely they are to cheat, lie and deceive in other ways, and thus love each other purely and organically from their hearts. I realize this is an idealistic stance, but it's one I strive for in my relationships and life. My dad and step mom had this type of relationship and they became the loves of each other's lives! It was beautiful and I'm glad I was able to witness it, and my dad so happy before he died. Contrast to that, my dad and bio mom. Lying cheating, deception, neediness, dependency, rules, restrictions, my dad actually fell into depression during their marriage! Society and all its "shoulds" and "rules" with respect to romantic relationships has become a poison imo, toxic and completely unnatural to the human spirit. Edited October 8, 2021 by poppyfields 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted October 8, 2021 Share Posted October 8, 2021 3 hours ago, ZA Dater said: Why do they regret it? Based on the OP it would seem any relationship he has had was unrewarding, if something is not pleasant then why even bother doing it? How does opting out of something unpleasant lead to regrets? He has had one and a half relationships and you have had none. Hardly speaking from experience are you? Of course when you are lonely old bachelors you will live to regret opting out of relationships when you were young and in your prime... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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