zouzd Posted October 3, 2021 Share Posted October 3, 2021 (edited) Am I the only male being the bread winner , feeling that i am just an ATM machine ? While I support female(s) in my house and in general including my wife , and adult daughters, to be equally treated in society and enjoy equal opportunity I feel abused by all for their evaluation toward me based on what I give financially . I am sure they love me , but Love given to Kids , Wife ,Daughters is unconditional , while love when given back to me it is conditional to how much I sacrifice especial my income and wealth. To give an example , any of those listed above would not give me love back if I don't sacrifice services or money [ ] Talking about the scope here of the same house , personally i fell abused and depressed ; because the moment I give less services or money , I get less love from kids/daughters and less feelings and intimate moments from wife ... I am depressed. Edited October 3, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator removed off topic material Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted October 3, 2021 Share Posted October 3, 2021 (edited) If your wife is working less/no hours by joint decision so that she can better support the family, it is up to you to support her in a reasonable manner. Question is, whether or not she's living in a manner which would be deemed reasonable. If your definition of reasonable is different to her definition, there will be resentment likely on both sides. And I'm not guessing which way it goes - for every partner who is deemed spend thrift, there's another who deemed to spend like world is about to end - but its all just personal opinion. With your daughters, you may have raised them to be equally treated in society, but did you raise them to be responsible for themselves? Now that they are adults why do you give them any money at all? Truth be told, they sound spoiled...and this goes back to how they were parented. When they were 12yo, how often did they hear the words "No, I will not buy that - you have to save up for it if you want it". Edited October 3, 2021 by basil67 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted October 3, 2021 Share Posted October 3, 2021 (edited) 2 hours ago, zouzd said: While I support female(s) in my house and in general including my wife , and adult daughters, Make an appointment with your physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Get a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support. You're simply not happy and that's not your wife's or family's fault. You're depressed and your physical and mental health are your responsibility to take care of. As a married couple marital assets are shared, not a bargaining tool for sex or love. As far as resentment toward your adult children, how old are they? If they are under 18, you're legally responsible for supporting them. If they are over 18, make sure they're working and contributing and doing appropriate chores and responsibilities around the house. The problem is not money. It's your unhappiness and feeling trapped. Edited October 3, 2021 by Wiseman2 Link to post Share on other sites
GeorgiaPeach1 Posted October 12, 2021 Share Posted October 12, 2021 People tend to focus on what they do and sacrifice for the family, not what others contribute. Are you saying your clothes are not being washed and stored, your meals are not being prepared and served to you, your home is not being kept clean and fresh, any pets you have are not being properly cared for, you're not receiving any affection or intimacy, no one is doing the shopping or other errands, that no one would show up to the hospital if you had a health emergency, no one is there with you to celebrate holidays and special occasions, etc? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
dramafreezone Posted October 21, 2021 Share Posted October 21, 2021 (edited) On 10/3/2021 at 2:15 AM, Wiseman2 said: Make an appointment with your physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Get a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support. You're simply not happy and that's not your wife's or family's fault. You're depressed and your physical and mental health are your responsibility to take care of. As a married couple marital assets are shared, not a bargaining tool for sex or love. As far as resentment toward your adult children, how old are they? If they are under 18, you're legally responsible for supporting them. If they are over 18, make sure they're working and contributing and doing appropriate chores and responsibilities around the house. The problem is not money. It's your unhappiness and feeling trapped. Yes, but I find it hard to believe that this is all in his head. The reality is some spouses see the breadwinner as a source of resources first and foremost. Ultimately yes his health is his responsibility but family members are supposed to be a support system. He feels like he's alone here, and that's a problem if those around him simply don't care enough to even ask how he's doing. It's more of this misguided idea that the man is supposed to be stoic and not complain or show weakness. Edited October 21, 2021 by dramafreezone Link to post Share on other sites
Author zouzd Posted November 5, 2021 Author Share Posted November 5, 2021 True , my health is my responsibility and I am trying my best to take care of it , though it is being affected much by being unhappy ,... I am 51 years old , went through a lot in my life , from wars to financial crisis in my youth; i have never been depressed because of any circumstance and fought and still. I don't want to blame them , but I believe it is a cultural fact that being the bread winner expectations are high. I even help at home , while girls and wife try their best to keep things fine , but they even count on me on a lot . maybe it is my fault , as I spoiled them and spoiled my wife ; expecting that when I am tired they will sacrifice the same way i do ;my wife is not a giver , not even to her kids ; and we she does she gets affection from them immediately . I am just venting maybe , I don't care about money spent , but I feel I am more now convinced that it is a contradictory thing when in some cultures it is the responsibility of the man to be the bread winner , and still in this culture the women wants equality with man in everything ; if you are a wife and rely on your husband in every burden in life , then be just a Mom and a pleasant wife taking care of him and family ... It is just hard to br not appreciated when you do everything... Link to post Share on other sites
Happy Lemming Posted November 5, 2021 Share Posted November 5, 2021 @zouzd Do you keep a written budget for each month?? If not, sit down with your wife and do a written budget, so you both can see where the money goes (and stick to it). Maybe you'll feel better if you increase your savings or retirement contributions?? Do you feel that a lot of money is being wasted?? If so, correct the situation and funnel those wasted funds into some type of long term savings. If you don't feel appreciated, back off on the "fun" things and just pay for the necessities. Save the those "fun" funds until you feel you are not being treated like an "ATM machine". As far as the "adult" daughters in the household, do they have jobs?? If not, why not?? If they are working, charge them rent to stay in the home. You should not be expected to support adults that can work and make their own way in the world. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted November 5, 2021 Share Posted November 5, 2021 6 hours ago, zouzd said: I even help at home , while girls and wife try their best to keep things fine , but they even count on me on a lot . It sounds like you feel unappreciated because you have a tendency to just fade in the distance in a passive withdrawn sort of way. Talk to your wife about sex/affection and doing more things as husband/wife and getting out of perpetual "family time" mode. Plan dates. Get away from the kids. Act like when you were first married. Link to post Share on other sites
Author zouzd Posted March 2, 2023 Author Share Posted March 2, 2023 (edited) Well, I just would like to comment after more than a year to this topic, From situation perspective it is worse, And my perception is now worse The only Good thing is that I built ove time the defense Wall Edited March 2, 2023 by zouzd Link to post Share on other sites
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