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despairingbuttrying

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despairingbuttrying

This month marks 6 years since my last proper relationship (which was only a few months anyhow). Just wondering if anyone else has been this unfortunate? ūüėĒ¬†

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I was single from age 39 to 48. so I beat you. I don't think it was bad luck. I was not looking so no prince charming came knocking on my door. Then at the age of 45 I started looking and it took me 3 years online to find a 'datable man'. 

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despairingbuttrying
15 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

I was single from age 39 to 48. so I beat you. I don't think it was bad luck. I was not looking so no prince charming came knocking on my door. Then at the age of 45 I started looking and it took me 3 years online to find a 'datable man'. 

Yeah interesting. I guess perhaps I need rephrase my op and ask who here has been SEARCHING /LOOKING for 6 years plus but still single? I think there will be plenty of people who are content in being on their own for years even because they just prefer it that way and that's great. Wish I could be that way to be honest but that's never been me. I've always been "looking." Not always intensely but I've seen it as a priority so plenty of time going online, socials (although less so now), first dates and so on. 

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4 hours ago, Gaeta said:

How old are you? man or woman? Why do you think it's not been working for you?

I was meant to put this thread in the dating section but nevermind. I guess it still applies here since it is what I'm "searching" for. 

I'm 38 and male. 6"2 OK looking, fairly intelligent (so I've been told), sporty, have my own flat, a job that doesn't satisfy me but provides a comfortable salary, well travelled, fairly knowledgeable etc. Doesn't seem to be enough.

I've been on many dates over these years, I can never find someone who I want to pursue and have a connection and vice versa.  All the women that are interested in me, I'm not into and the few ones I'm into, aren't into me. That's the issue. Perhaps I thought I'm being too picky so a few years ago, I dated a girl who was keen on me for a few months who I found attractive but had no real connection with and I knew that from early on but I carried on thinking that might develop as she was really into me as well. It never did.  Perhaps I thought I need to lower my standards, so I was very close friends with another lady more recently who I had an amazing connection with, many similar interests but no physical attraction.  She was very keen so I gave that a go for many months because I thought the physical attraction would develop but of course it never did.  

So yeah I know I simply need to love and embrace my singleness fully. I want to be at peace with my current situation and circumstances. I need to somehow overcome this thought that I've failed because I've barely had a relationship these past several years. I can't settle, I have to be being hopeful that one day it will happen. 

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1 hour ago, despairingbuttrying said:

I was meant to put this thread in the dating section but nevermind. I guess it still applies here since it is what I'm "searching" for. 

I'm 38 and male. 6"2 OK looking, fairly intelligent (so I've been told), sporty, have my own flat, a job that doesn't satisfy me but provides a comfortable salary, well travelled, fairly knowledgeable etc. Doesn't seem to be enough.

I've been on many dates over these years, I can never find someone who I want to pursue and have a connection and vice versa.  All the women that are interested in me, I'm not into and the few ones I'm into, aren't into me. That's the issue. Perhaps I thought I'm being too picky so a few years ago, I dated a girl who was keen on me for a few months who I found attractive but had no real connection with and I knew that from early on but I carried on thinking that might develop as she was really into me as well. It never did.  Perhaps I thought I need to lower my standards, so I was very close friends with another lady more recently who I had an amazing connection with, many similar interests but no physical attraction.  She was very keen so I gave that a go for many months because I thought the physical attraction would develop but of course it never did.  

So yeah I know I simply need to love and embrace my singleness fully. I want to be at peace with my current situation and circumstances. I need to somehow overcome this thought that I've failed because I've barely had a relationship these past several years. I can't settle, I have to be being hopeful that one day it will happen. 

I regrettably "beat" you in the sense at the age of 37 I have never had a GF. I can relate to a lot of the above though and in some respects the above gave me some comfort because I too contemplated what you did re simply dating people you do not find attractive.

My advice is really to just embrace life, when you think about it, its such a fragile concept, we were put on this earth and as much as it pains me to say this, perhaps some of us are not destined to find conventional love. Focus on things which make you happy and try not get lost in the dating world.

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3 hours ago, despairingbuttrying said:

I'm 38 and male. 6"2 OK looking, fairly intelligent (so I've been told), sporty, have my own flat, a job that doesn't satisfy me but provides a comfortable salary, well travelled, fairly knowledgeable etc. Doesn't seem to be enough.

<snip> 

 All the women that are interested in me, I'm not into and the few ones I'm into, aren't into me. That's the issue.

From what you write, there are women who are interested in you - so clearly it is enough.   The problem (bolded) seems to be that you struggle to find a woman who you're interested in.

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1 hour ago, ZA Dater said:

My advice is really to just embrace life, when you think about it, its such a fragile concept, we were put on this earth and as much as it pains me to say this, perhaps some of us are not destined to find conventional love. Focus on things which make you happy and try not get lost in the dating world.

It's so refreshing to hear you say this ZA!! 

I feel like I want to give you a big HUG, you've come a long way. ūüėā

And I hope the OP will take the advice, it's solid and spot on and will serve him well moving forward.

Once you "let go" of what society expects of you and learn to detach from any particular outcome and love yourself and your life AS IS, you will begin manifesting internal abundance which in turn will bring you closer to what it is you truly desire. 

I truly believe that, it's happening to me!  

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19 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

It's so refreshing to hear you say this ZA!! 

I feel like I want to give you a big HUG, you've come a long way. ūüėā

And I hope the OP will take the advice, it's solid and spot on and will serve him well moving forward.

Once you "let go" of what society expects of you and learn to detach from any particular outcome and love yourself and your life AS IS, you will begin manifesting internal abundance which in turn will bring you closer to what it is you truly desire. 

I truly believe that, it's happening to me!  

It is yes. I think finding these other factors and things in your life that will take away the focus for a relationship / marriage is key. I don't think I have enough of those. For men usually it's their career. I don't really have one. I've got a permanent job and it's good money but it's quite a casual one and I need to move on but I don't think I'll have the same salary with a new one. I like sport and enjoy travelling as I've spent a huge amount of time abroad but mostly on my own.

Ultimately though I want to simply be at peace with my singleness and myself regardless of what the future may hold, whether I stay single or not. 

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2 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

I regrettably "beat" you in the sense at the age of 37 I have never had a GF. I can relate to a lot of the above though and in some respects the above gave me some comfort because I too contemplated what you did re simply dating people you do not find attractive.

My advice is really to just embrace life, when you think about it, its such a fragile concept, we were put on this earth and as much as it pains me to say this, perhaps some of us are not destined to find conventional love. Focus on things which make you happy and try not get lost in the dating world.

I think we may have spoken before or perhaps you commented on my previous posts years ago where not surprisingly I was talking about this same issue. I forget the main reasons behind your singleness. Is it personal choice or bad luck it something else? 

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40 minutes ago, basil67 said:

From what you write, there are women who are interested in you - so clearly it is enough.   The problem (bolded) seems to be that you struggle to find a woman who you're interested in.

That's it exactly. I mean there have been a few who I've been interested but they're not into me. For example on the apps and online the ones I pursue usually don't respond or whatever. So yeah with this last girl recently she was the first in a long time ago I liked and hoped it would go somewhere but it wasn't to be. I hope I don't have to wait too long before that opportunity comes again...

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@despairingbuttrying it's good that you recognise this.  However, pitching yourself as 'not good enough' puts you in a victim role. Not only is this attitude going to reflect badly on you, but it's obviously not true.  

Of the women who are interested in you, what makes you not interested in them?   Would you call yourself particularly choosy? 

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15 minutes ago, basil67 said:

@despairingbuttrying it's good that you recognise this.  However, pitching yourself as 'not good enough' puts you in a victim role. Not only is this attitude going to reflect badly on you, but it's obviously not true.  

Of the women who are interested in you, what makes you not interested in them?   Would you call yourself particularly choosy? 

Yes on the second point, as I've said above in the previous post, it's either the physical attraction that's missing for me or the lack of connection. Most often it's the former I find. I'll try to overlook it and "lower my standards" as it were but you shouldn't settle. You have to find the person physically attractive. Looks do matter. It's not everything but if course it is an important aspect,at least initially. I suppose what makes it more challenging is that I have to be with another Christian, so someone who shares my faith. This narrows things down obviously but it is a non negotiable. 

Yes I am trying hard to overcome this feeling of inferiority and sense of failure because I've got to this age and I'm not even in a relationship let alone married. I have to stop being hard on myself but that frustration is difficult to deal with. 

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Dog Lover 82

Not quite that long, but I've been single for about four and a half years now and haven't even been on a date in almost that long either. I have no drive to even try anymore.

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9 hours ago, poppyfields said:

 

Once you "let go" of what society expects of you and learn to detach from any particular outcome and love yourself and your life AS IS, you will begin manifesting internal abundance which in turn will bring you closer to what it is you truly desire. 

I truly believe that, it's happening to me!  

The Law of Attraction! 

 

100% believe it! :) 

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I've been single coming up on 5 1/2 years ... and it's been a great time.  My last relationship or two were both disasters for the same reason--I dated ambivalent women. Before that I was married to woman with some borderline personality tendencies. After my last breakup, I was like, "OK, I'm missing something. And I set out to rejigger things. At first I think I was working on myself to be able to date more successfully. As time went on, I realized (and still feel) that getting healthier and building my life was its own reward. 

I grew up in a family with serious trauma, and it's funny: it's only over time that I really learned to see that trauma and the way it blocked me from forming bonds with good partners. I was pretty good with friendships, but with women I just lost all boundaries. So boundaries, learning how to stay connected to myself while with other people, has been a big project for me.

I will admit: every now and then I'll read about or hear about some young couple and I wince. The expectation that you "should" be married/partnered is definitely out there in the air we breathe. It takes effort to not to choke on all that air. But then I think about my friends and their marriages and no, I wouldn't trade their lives for mine.

I do hear you on the feeling that something is wrong, that everyone else has this thing and you don't. That hits me sometimes. 

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My husband was single for almost 10 years before he met me.  He had just started dating again & went out with 3-4 women, 1st dates only.  

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On 10/3/2021 at 12:14 AM, despairingbuttrying said:

I think we may have spoken before or perhaps you commented on my previous posts years ago where not surprisingly I was talking about this same issue. I forget the main reasons behind your singleness. Is it personal choice or bad luck it something else? 

My situation dating wise is not dissimilar to yours, the problem is it eats away at one, you need to try and stop this happening because no good comes of it. My reasons, again its just a case of never really being able to date people I find attractive, I am slowly day by day trying to make peace with this, its not easy at all, I have missed out on fundamental experiences of life and I need to reconcile that.

MY advice is really to not give up but to also not hold onto hope too tightly either.

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Yes both you guys (opener and za dater) are right to hold out for that lady that you find attractive, 

it might be different in another ten years , will you stay single or marry for companionship,

Yes its good when you meet that lady that has the wow factor as it were, you usually know early enough perhaps within the first half hour of meeting them,

Ive been on a lot of dates too over the years, possibly 150 about mostly just one date,

Id say four I felt the strong attraction with, one or two others who did not feel much connection with but kept a few dates going anyway. Those four are still in my life to an extent, though for obvious reasons I have had to distance myself now from three of them.

Id say dont be afraid of it when you do meet the right person, its hard to have supreme confidence when it has not been working out, but nonetheless believe you are good enough when the chance arises, raise your game and say to yourself well " I am definitely getting a second date here" or getting a date/phone number if its someone you meet on the street.

your confidence will rise once you gel with someone.

 

 

 

 

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14 hours ago, Foxhall said:

Yes both you guys (opener and za dater) are right to hold out for that lady that you find attractive, 

it might be different in another ten years , will you stay single or marry for companionship,

Yes its good when you meet that lady that has the wow factor as it were, you usually know early enough perhaps within the first half hour of meeting them,

Ive been on a lot of dates too over the years, possibly 150 about mostly just one date,

Id say four I felt the strong attraction with, one or two others who did not feel much connection with but kept a few dates going anyway. Those four are still in my life to an extent, though for obvious reasons I have had to distance myself now from three of them.

Id say dont be afraid of it when you do meet the right person, its hard to have supreme confidence when it has not been working out, but nonetheless believe you are good enough when the chance arises, raise your game and say to yourself well " I am definitely getting a second date here" or getting a date/phone number if its someone you meet on the street.

your confidence will rise once you gel with someone.

I think the inherent issue with the OP situation is simply not gelling with people or actually being able to attract people he finds attractive. I cant speak for him but I am resigned to simply being alone versus waking up next to someone who I knew I just settled for because I could not actually get the person I really found attractive.

The biggest thing is to not get TOO discouraged  because I liken this to an oil slick on the ocean, it can and will poison other aspects of life and that is never healthy. One of the things I do which may help OP is to see the value in everyone.

Having said all that life is really not designed to be done alone, the odd time I had someone fleetingly around as a friend I found the most boring thing was a lot more fun when shared with someone else, part of me thinks this is what we as people really chase.

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2 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

Having said all that life is really not designed to be done alone, the odd time I had someone fleetingly around as a friend I found the most boring thing was a lot more fun when shared with someone else, part of me thinks this is what we as people really chase.

Yes I do feel the same on this,

I actually prefer being alone a lot of the time but then again I dont want that all the time either.

a man probably has to sacrifice some of his personal freedom to be with a woman but yes it can feel better to have someone rather than always a lone ranger,

I notice my gf is bossy in certain ways, if we get to living together permanently, I will have to change my lifestyle,

for instance I like to watch the American golf on a sunday night, but she is already saying that will not be happening if we live together, no tv after 11pm and so on,

I am thinking wtf , but that or little things like that are the price of company I suppose.

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17 minutes ago, Foxhall said:

Yes I do feel the same on this,

I actually prefer being alone a lot of the time but then again I dont want that all the time either.

a man probably has to sacrifice some of his personal freedom to be with a woman but yes it can feel better to have someone rather than always a lone ranger,

I notice my gf is bossy in certain ways, if we get to living together permanently, I will have to change my lifestyle,

for instance I like to watch the American golf on a sunday night, but she is already saying that will not be happening if we live together, no tv after 11pm and so on,

I am thinking wtf , but that or little things like that are the price of company I suppose.

I think ultimately the sacrifices would be worth it. Which brings me to this point, OP when you sit down and evaluate where you are, consider the benefits you have had being single versus being stuck in a toxic relationship, consider the freedoms you have had.

Nobody here really agrees with me but if you cant look at that person and feel something then she probably is not for you, the people I found the most attractive I wanted to spend lots o time with, they added something to my life. OP, consider what you are looking to actually get, yes it can be good to add value to someone's life but if there is no return on this, then you need to ask yourself: Why.

Ultimately its all a bit of game which is FINE but make sure its not the ONLY game of life you are playing. OP do not regret the choices you made because its easy at times to think "well she liked me, maybe I should have forced myself to life her more because now I have nobody" in my experience that takes a LOT of strength to do that.

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@ZA Dater@FoxhallThanks for both your thoughts and comments.  Very interesting.  

I think ZADater perhaps we are in a similar situation given our age but yes, I've had trouble simply finding that great connection with a woman and perhaps this is not exactly unusual but at some point in all these years I thought it would have happened by now.  That said I think you've implied that you have more or less given up now...?  I agree, that you cannot settle and it is far better to be in this situation than with someone who isn't right for you.  I have been there and that is more painful than anything.  Furthermore, as you say it is a two way street, you have to add value to their life and vice versa. 

Like Foxhall I too must have gone on countless of dates now.  I literally went on a first date over the weekend and possibly a couple more in the next few weeks.  So I keep trying, will keep trying but every first date that doesn't go any further, another woman I meet where there's no connection or attraction just serves as another reminder of my circumstances.  I've got used to it though and I just keep going - playing the dating game, swiping, browsing profiles, try to meet women at church as difficult as that can be with cliques and established friendship groups.  My friend even suggested speed dating so I might give that a try. 

I think my biggest struggle in this journey and I've mentioned it before is the constant battle/struggle to simply accept my current circumstances and situation for what it is.  I still cannot believe I've got to this age and I still have no-one to share my life with.  I know it's not a competition or some kind of race but to me there is this sense of loss and dissatisfaction of meeting someone so late in life.  They say good things come to those who wait, but do they really!?  And how long is long?   I don't know about you but part of the sadness may just be a mourning that so many years have passed without this joy of being with someone special and sharing your life with them.  

There is another crucial factor which is worth emphasising and does obviously make a difference, certainly compared to most of you on here and that is I am only searching for a Christian woman/someone who shares my faith.  Therefore, that automatically narrows the selection pool down but that is no excuse.  It is more challenging but there are Christian women who are in their late 20s, early 30s who are keen to settle down and don't have hang-ups, issues, tons of baggage.  I've just got to find one!  

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5 hours ago, Foxhall said:

if we live together, no tv after 11pm and so on,. I am thinking wtf , but that or little things like that are the price of company I suppose.

Sharing a bathroom or TV should be a universal no-no. Make sure you have a separate TV and room to watch it in. Then whoever wants to go to bed early can and whoever wants to watch TV can.

If you have at least a separate 1/2 bath you can keep it like a gas station toilet, read your phone on the can etc. She can keep the other bathroom smelling nice and take baths etc. The moral of the story is do not share a TV or a toilet if you want peace.

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3 hours ago, despairingbuttrying said:

I know it's not a competition or some kind of race but to me there is this sense of loss and dissatisfaction of meeting someone so late in life. 

I dont look at it that way and am a little older than you ( well not much- lol I like to think am younger actually than my age- 41)

I do have a slight regret still about someone from seven years ago- really played that badly, what might have been and so on

but still am thinking have lots to do yet and no way am I thinking it is late in life,

only starting- hopefully!! 

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