mortensorchid Posted September 27, 2021 Posted September 27, 2021 I connected with this guy on Facebook. He was the husband of a woman I knew who died of cancer a few years ago. Somehow we got to chatting, he asked how I knew her, when I was going to a local college for my teaching degree she ran the tutoring center and I tutored a few students under her. He indicated that he would like to get together, and I have agreed. However... He has been married before. He has been married 4 times. Yes, 4 times. I asked how that happened. He said his first wife left him for another man, 2nd wife chose drugs instead of him, 3rd wife great apart and the 4th died of cancer. Should I even consider this? I am now wary.
Alpacalia Posted September 27, 2021 Posted September 27, 2021 (edited) Oh wow, that's horrible. It's like, if it doesn't work the first, second, third, try, try again? Perhaps he's learnt a lot from the first three. Of course, you're only hearing his version of events. So you're correct to be cautious. Maybe his fourth wife was the right one for him but sadly she passed. Edited September 27, 2021 by Alpaca
glows Posted September 27, 2021 Posted September 27, 2021 If you have to ask the answer is no. You're already judging him for his past lives/wives so move on to the next man. 2
Alvi Posted September 27, 2021 Posted September 27, 2021 Maybe 5th time it's going to be a charm. Lol Anyway, you have absolutely nothing to lose by going out with him. 2
Caauug Posted September 27, 2021 Posted September 27, 2021 1 hour ago, mortensorchid said: He has been married 4 times. Yes, 4 times. He doesn't scare easily.... Some guys get gun shy, he's not. 1
La.Primavera Posted September 27, 2021 Posted September 27, 2021 (edited) If what he said is true, three of the marriages ended for reasons beyond his control. Why hold that against him? If he was a terrible husband who was sleeping around and monkey-branching his marriages that would be a different story. All this proves is that he is the type of guy who wants to be in a committed relationship and married. If that's what your after, why not give him a chance and get to know him a bit more? Edited September 27, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator language 2
chillii Posted September 27, 2021 Posted September 27, 2021 (edited) 2 hours ago, La.Primavera said: If what he said is true, three of the marriages ended for reasons beyond his control. Why hold that against him? If he was a terrible husband who was sleeping around and monkey-branching his marriages that would be a different story. All this proves is that he is the type of guy who wants to be in a committed relationship and married. If that's what your after, why not give him a chance and get to know him a bit more? Tbh , that's a lot of marriages , but yeah , it's also one helluva bad run , and the last one well , so l'm pretty well with above. Besides, you aren't marrying him yet , if you really like him though why not try a date or two. My partners married a few times, l was very wary early in and a little uneasy . But all l can say is l haven't known a woman that comes close to her, the person or the partner that she is. And l was married 22yrs. She'd had that kind of run with hubbies as in this guy and wives , it no way known it was her fault from the woman l know. Edited September 27, 2021 by chillii
elaine567 Posted September 27, 2021 Posted September 27, 2021 6 hours ago, mortensorchid said: Somehow we got to chatting, he asked how I knew her, when I was going to a local college for my teaching degree she ran the tutoring center and I tutored a few students under her. He indicated that he would like to get together, and I have agreed. However... OK but does he want to get together to discuss his late wife with someone who knew her, some grieving people will do this, or to get together romantically? 1
elaine567 Posted September 27, 2021 Posted September 27, 2021 3 hours ago, chillii said: My partners married a few times, l was very wary early in and a little uneasy . But all l can say is l haven't known a woman that comes close to her, the person or the partner that she is. I think some woman who make great partners, ie the kind of woman you marry, can end up with a string of ex husbands under their belt. Not because they are faulty, but the guys that married them, probably shouldn't have done so. 1
Blind-Sided Posted September 27, 2021 Posted September 27, 2021 Don't blame him. And don't reflect on his past. As said above... 3 were out of his control. Not to mention... you aren't getting married. (Yet) Go out, and enjoy his company, and see where it leads.
elaine567 Posted September 27, 2021 Posted September 27, 2021 47 minutes ago, Blind-Sided said: 3 were out of his control. Maybe but 3 out of the four, could have left him because he was not a good partner. 1. sought out another man. Lack of attention/affection/connection... 2. buried herself in drugs, which can be a response to an unhappy marriage. 3. Grew apart. Not getting enough affection/attention/connection. 1
chillii Posted September 27, 2021 Posted September 27, 2021 (edited) 2 hours ago, elaine567 said: I think some woman who make great partners, ie the kind of woman you marry, can end up with a string of ex husbands under their belt. Not because they are faulty, but the guys that married them, probably shouldn't have done so. Well not a string , but 2, both turned into abusing ah's and screwed around too, one got violent. Both saints until a few yrs into marriage, even mama loved em. Past is past now. Edited September 27, 2021 by chillii 1
chillii Posted September 27, 2021 Posted September 27, 2021 (edited) 21 minutes ago, elaine567 said: Maybe but 3 out of the four, could have left him because he was not a good partner. 1. sought out another man. Lack of attention/affection/connection... 2. buried herself in drugs, which can be a response to an unhappy marriage. 3. Grew apart. Not getting enough affection/attention/connection. Or maybe they were all worthless ratbags. ps , not that l'm sticking up for a guy l don't know buttt, open mind. lf she's comfortable with that and it goes anywhere truth will be revealed. Edited September 27, 2021 by chillii 1
Happy Lemming Posted September 27, 2021 Posted September 27, 2021 9 hours ago, Alvi said: Anyway, you have absolutely nothing to lose by going out with him. I'm of the same opinion... Its just a date. I'm pretty sure he will bring up the wife that passed away, but try to direct the conversation to happier subjects. 11 hours ago, mortensorchid said: He was the husband of a woman I knew who died of cancer a few years ago. After a few years of grieving, he may be ready to dip his toe back into the dating pool. 11 hours ago, mortensorchid said: He indicated that he would like to get together, and I have agreed. Keep it light, no heavy subjects... And help the guy out a little bit, have a few funny stories (in your back pocket), things that are amusing and would make him laugh.
Blind-Sided Posted September 27, 2021 Posted September 27, 2021 (edited) 2 hours ago, elaine567 said: Maybe but 3 out of the four, could have left him because he was not a good partner. 1. sought out another man. Lack of attention/affection/connection... 2. buried herself in drugs, which can be a response to an unhappy marriage. 3. Grew apart. Not getting enough affection/attention/connection. Sure... but now you are just making up assumptions, and not sure why other than to scare MO. But... it could be the other way around... he's a great guy, and he got together with a bunch of crazy girls who had issues. 1) Superficial girl who was more into herself than was interested in her relationship. (I've know A LOT of girls like this, who needed attention to be happy. My soon to be divorced cousin is like this. Even at 50, she want to go to a club, and hang on guys. She's been this way since she was a teen. AND... so was my brother's exW) 2) Or.......... was just a user regardless of a relationship. Lets face it... that one was a grasp since very few people turn to controlled substances when they break up or are unhappy. If this one had any real truth... we would all be alcoholics/drug users. 3) Or... weren't really ever into each other to start with, but didn't want to be alone. (or any of a thousand reasons) Anyway... I always appreciate your opinions, and you really helped me through a dark time... but this replay feels like you are using a personal/bad experience to influence and direct an answer, and to control the direction of the conversation. I'm sure @mortensorchid is considering all of that... but she should also consider the positive, and see that maybe he just was dealt a bad hand. With all that said... if she finds out that you are right.... then by all means... she should run fast !! LOL Edited September 27, 2021 by Blind-Sided 1
Snow_Queen Posted September 27, 2021 Posted September 27, 2021 Maybe he did have some really bad luck. Or, maybe he has a tendency of missing red flags. Some people pick the wrong type over and over without realizing it. I would proceed with caution but there is no harm in having a date. That is why we have dates to begin with. If you get a bad feeling afterwards, you have your answer. I have a friend who’s SO was married some 3 or 4 times and he’s a good guy. Just had really bad luck. They’ve been together for a few years with no issues…even talking marriage now. 2
elaine567 Posted September 27, 2021 Posted September 27, 2021 3 minutes ago, Blind-Sided said: . but now you are just making up assumptions... BUT in reply to your assumption that 3 were "out of his control", you don't know that. I don't know either, but assuming the guy with 4 marriages under his belt is totally blameless is likely not true... Add on his widower status and perhaps some kids in the mix too, he is no doubt one "complicated" guy and MO should be well aware of that. 1
Blind-Sided Posted September 27, 2021 Posted September 27, 2021 4 minutes ago, elaine567 said: BUT in reply to your assumption that 3 were "out of his control", you don't know that. I don't know either, but assuming the guy with 4 marriages under his belt is totally blameless is likely not true... Add on his widower status and perhaps some kids in the mix too, he is no doubt one "complicated" guy and MO should be well aware of that. You are right..... but MO won't know until she goes out with him a few times, and see how he actually is. And we should scare her away from getting to know someone. (Unless we have a real reason) 1
ShyViolet Posted September 27, 2021 Posted September 27, 2021 Can I point out the obvious? You're NOT marrying the guy, it's just a date! It's premature to worry about how many times he's been married before, and what that would mean if you were to marry him. I certainly hope you know better than to go into a first date already thinking in the back of your mind about marriage. Maybe he will just be a casual acquaintance and someone you go on a few dates with and nothing more. Maybe he is a nice person who would make good company. I don't think he should be ruled out just because he's been married four times. 2
Gaeta Posted September 27, 2021 Posted September 27, 2021 I'd be curious how fast he wanted to marry these women. Might answer why their marriage didn't last, he did not know them well enough. Also how young was he when he first married, we tend to not make very good choices when we're under 25. I would not judge him right off the bat.
dramafreezone Posted September 27, 2021 Posted September 27, 2021 (edited) 19 hours ago, La.Primavera said: If what he said is true, three of the marriages ended for reasons beyond his control. Why hold that against him? If he was a terrible husband who was sleeping around and monkey-branching his marriages that would be a different story. All this proves is that he is the type of guy who wants to be in a committed relationship and married. If that's what your after, why not give him a chance and get to know him a bit more? How do you know he wasn't? People don't generally include the lowlights of their prior marriages. They'll paint themselves as innocent angels. All she knows now is that he's been married 4 times. It's certainly possible that this person is just a statistical anomaly, but I'd tend to think this person is someone that's not good with marriages. Assumptions are sometimes ok to make, they help us to save time and keep us safe. Edited September 27, 2021 by dramafreezone 1
Author mortensorchid Posted October 3, 2021 Author Posted October 3, 2021 Well we met tonight - we met at a Mexican restaurant. He was decent to me, I made sure to smile and be happy and not have my Daniel Craig poker face. He texted when I got home and said he had a great time and I said I did as well. He texted back do you want to do it again? I said yes I would. Waiting for the next step... 2
Author mortensorchid Posted October 3, 2021 Author Posted October 3, 2021 And another oddity? He had his wedding ring on. And he made some posts saying "this was her favorite holiday". That is in reference to his 4th wife (who I knew) who died just before the first of the year.
Alpacalia Posted October 3, 2021 Posted October 3, 2021 It's not particularly odd, I mean, he did recently lose his wife to cancer. 2
basil67 Posted October 3, 2021 Posted October 3, 2021 When he said he wanted to get together, did he indicate that it would be a date? All things considered, it may well be that he's trying to build some new friendships. 1
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