I love him but he loves his addiction more.

[KL0188]

Hi everyone.. 

I've been dating a guy for almost a year now. When I met him I thought to myself, this is the one and he echoed my sentiments. 

I had been living in my own but he asked me to move move in with him, I raised concerns about this because we haven't been dating for a year and that it was too soon but he was adamant that it was right for us and that he couldn't see me not living with him.. I caved... 

I warned him though that I was afraid he'd become tired of seeing me all the time, since my closest friends don't live in the same city and I don't see my family because of fall out we had but again he said that I'm worrying about silly things 

Fast forward to now.. We've been in a bit of a dwang.., I don't feel the affedtion I felt when we started dating and I feel like we hardly talk anymore, I've found out some things about him that I don't like but he expects me to compromise on it in order for us to work. 

By compromise he meant that he expects me to go away every weekend as one of the things that came out when we spoke about this was that he figured that he had been thinking of how he used to be alone all the time and that he doesn't like people. I was upset because if he wanted to be alone and didn't like people, why did he ask me to be his girlfriend and move in with him.

He then told me that it was best that we moved on, which I was completely cut up about but prepared to deal with so I started packing my belongings. He came to sit down by me as I was packing and asked why I was being so silly and that he wanted us to try and work on things but wasn't sure how we could do anything different and that seeing me cry wasn't even affecting him the way it should when the person you care about is leaving. 

He says he was never going to let me leave because I'm his person and that we can work on things to see if he can switch his emotions and feelings back on because all he has is care for me. 

I feel like I'm in the twilight zone... A crazy part of me wants to stay and fight but the other part of me says that it would stupid because this all just doesn't make sense and it feels like I'm going in circles trying to figure out what the hell actually transpired.

[glows]

He sounds very extreme and loose-tongued (says one thing, then reverts to another). It's a person who doesn't think carefully about his words before he says them or gaslights you. That's a character or personality trait unfortunately so you're seeing now what he's made of. Frankly he sounds like he has a few screws loose and manipulative. If that's the case please don't waste a second of your life trying to decipher it. It is another level you will likely never understand (that is a good thing).

I'd be quick about moving on and never look back. 

What other things do you feel uncomfortable about or did you discover?

Edited September 24, 2021 by glows

[KL0188]

Hi guys.. 

I've been seeing a guy for almost a year now.. Everything was going great and we moved in together. 

I noticed something was off earlier this year when his best friend came to visit and I was out doing a grocery run.. When I walked back it it was if I had walked in on them doing something they shouldn't have.. I was immediately asked to leave and give them some space as they needed as they needed to catch up up.. Though I was taken aback I did.. When I returned, the next morning as had gone to work..I found powder on the kitchen counter and by the breakfast nook.. I took photos while I deliberated on whether to say something or not. I eventually did and was told that he didn't know what I was on about.. 

Then one Friday night, I fell asleep and woke up in the middle of the night to find him watching porn, this continued through till Sunday morning and has been recurring every second week.. I've confronted him about this when I first saw it again he says it how he debriefs and that he likes to do it.  

I found a straw with white residue on it laying on the bathroom floor, I confronted him and he said that it is what it is and this is what he does.. He's been doing cocaine for the last twenty years.. 

Weekends are spent with him rushing me to sleep on a Friday night, while he goes off to watch porn and snort.. Openly, in front of me, without the care that it hurts me or that I know.. 

I have tried.. Asked that we talk about it or go see someone but he gets defensive and says he isn't hurting any one, hasn't cheated on me and that he will do what he wants, when he wants.. 

He uses almost 3-4 little bags in a sitting while he watches porn. It kills me that he is doing this to himself and I am just helpless.. 

I don't know what to think or do anymore... 

Edited September 24, 2021 by KL0188

[KL0188]

Hi glows.. 

It does feel next level and like I would never be able to understand. 

I posted about what I found out about him separately in the addiction and recovery forum as I didn't think it was appropriate for this forum. 

[S2B]

You can’t change him. He’s let you know he’s a huge drug addict.

I’d move immediately if I were you. He has a big drug problem and doesn’t intend to change. He also wasn’t honest when he started with you. 

you can only change what you do - best to leave ASAP. I have a lot of experience in this area…and it doesn’t end well.

[Dis]

Addicts and alcoholics don't just make poor partners because of their substance abuse...

 

They make poor partners because of the underlying issues that cause them to use

 

They are broken people and broken people cannot participate in healthy relationships....and even when/if they do get clean....those underlying issues sometimes don't resolve 

 

I've dated a recovering alcoholic and a recovering addict and while they were clean they were still broken.... I would never, ever entertain another one again 

[Wiseman2]

Move out asap. When the police eventually come, you'll get arrested with along with him and his drug friends.

Run. 👟👟.

He doesn't want a GF or relationship. His primary relationship is with drugs.

Everyone is a pawn in a substance abuser's life. Everyone is there only to facilitate their drug use. Including you.

You're just a cover and housekeeper.

[d0nnivain]

Move out immediately.   You moved in too fast & you know this.  

Learn about a legal concept called constructive possession.  What it means is that when the cops find his stash in a place where you live you will be charged with a convicted of a drug offense.  Assuming you don't want that on your record, get out now.  

[Lotsgoingon]

You messed up as soon as you "caved" to move in.

You are treating him as if he knows something that you don't. He's no smarter than you. Quit acting like he is an authority figure. Quit trusting what he says. 

You want to make your own judgments independent of the lines he comes up with and feeds to you.

This relationship is terrible. Get out. 

[amerikajin]

On 9/24/2021 at 5:57 AM, Wiseman2 said:

Move out asap. When the police eventually come, you'll get arrested with along with him and his drug friends.

Run. 👟👟.

He doesn't want a GF or relationship. His primary relationship is with drugs.

Everyone is a pawn in a substance abuser's life. Everyone is there only to facilitate their drug use. Including you.

You're just a cover and housekeeper.

Yep, this is a real danger, especially with harder substances. If we were talking about a little bag of weed, which is legal in many states, that would be one thing. But harder drugs are a serious problem that will put her under a cloud of suspicion.

Even if the police determine she's clean, she'd probably have to spend tens of thousands of dollars for a legal defense just to clear her name. You got that kinda money laying around, OP?

But the bigger issue is, he has his addictions and there's nothing you can do to stop them. Honestly, this guy just treats the OP like a piece of furniture. He saw her, liked her, thought she'd be good to have around the house, and brought her in. But he has no more of a relationship with her than he does with, say, his coach or his TV.

Edited October 3, 2021 by amerikajin

[S2B]

Did you move out?