pepperbird2 Posted September 22, 2021 Posted September 22, 2021 Simply put, if you are a BS and you look back on your spouse's affair. Would you rather have been kept in the dark and gone about your life, or are you glad you found out?
glows Posted September 22, 2021 Posted September 22, 2021 Yes, of course I'd want to know. I think most people do know and do pick up signs that something is amiss along the way. The question is when and finding out from a third party can save a lot of time inbetween. 6
Seliana Posted September 23, 2021 Posted September 23, 2021 Definitely! I caught my WxH in an affair. I wish I'd dumped his ass when I sensed something was off. Life has gotten much better, even seeing someone new. 6
DKT3 Posted September 23, 2021 Posted September 23, 2021 3 hours ago, glows said: Yes, of course I'd want to know. I think most people do know and do pick up signs that something is amiss along the way. The question is when and finding out from a third party can save a lot of time inbetween. I definitely picked up on her behavior. But you have that voice saying not my spouse, they would never do this. Man, when the realization of the situation hits you it can really throw you off balance. I believe its during this period that most say they wish they didn't know. 3
understand50 Posted September 23, 2021 Posted September 23, 2021 (edited) I would want to know. Living a lie does not work, and does not allow both sides, BS, WS, to move forward with healing. Until, everything is out in the open, how can one make a intelligent decision on how to proceed? Edited September 23, 2021 by understand50 spelling 2
d0nnivain Posted September 23, 2021 Posted September 23, 2021 I am happily married but I would want to know. Thing is when it comes to telling, I think only a few select people are in a position to tell. I'd absolutely tell a friend but I'd keep my mouth shut if it was only an acquaintance. 1
FMW Posted September 23, 2021 Posted September 23, 2021 I would absolutely want to know. Wondering if you're just being paranoid or overly sensitive to things can really wear you down. My experience is the betrayed spouse isn't completely in the dark. They pick up on something, although they may not be sure what to make of it at first. 3
Elsa888 Posted September 23, 2021 Posted September 23, 2021 There was no way I could have carried on with my life, as I knew something was 'off', and eventually I couldn't ignore it any longer. The biggest clue was him acting like a total a-hole and telling me I was imagining things. These women that can carry on as normal, when all their instincts tell them all is not well, must have an amazing degree of detachment - I couldn't do it. 5
central Posted September 23, 2021 Posted September 23, 2021 We've talked about this, and decided that if there was no substantial (negative) change to our relationship, we wouldn't want to know. Many (perhaps even most) people actually get away with affairs; they eventually end and no one ever finds out. We don't think it's worth blowing things up at that point, anyway. If it's discovered while ongoing, that's different, because strong emotions are likely triggered and have to be dealt with. 1
Wade Lamare Posted September 23, 2021 Posted September 23, 2021 Yes, I would want to know. The not knowing comes back even now 25 ish years later. Even though I'm pretty sure that nothing physical happened back then even to the point of her sobbing on the ground because she thought I was going to leave her she steadfastly refused to admit any affair. So on the very infrequent occasion when I go down the rabbit hole I have a devil and an angel on my shoulders. One says "yeah she would say that if she were guilty" the other says "yeah, she would say that if she were innocent." 1
Starswillshine Posted September 23, 2021 Posted September 23, 2021 It is easy with hindsight, but I am definitely happy that I know now. And I would always want to know. I never want to live a life that is a lie. 6
Allupinnit Posted September 23, 2021 Posted September 23, 2021 Yes I'd want to know. I think it takes a certain personality type who could sit back and allow their lives to crumble around them via an affair and pretend as if everything was fine, though. I'd go nuclear. But, at the same time, I do not have children with my H and I earn more than he does, so I wouldn't have nearly as much to consider as a SAHM when it comes to a divorce. I need to have that agency over my life. 6
Caauug Posted September 26, 2021 Posted September 26, 2021 Yes, I'm glad I found out. Even better was finding out why she cheated. To just state "She/he was bad and should not cheat" then blindly carry on with life and make the same mistakes and/or be treated the same in the next R is totally insane in my view. This is where some people get gender hate from. To understand why people do or act the way they do was enlightening, sometimes very hard to understand. Genetically we have a lot of preprograming, evolutionary behavioral biology or human nature , without it humans would likely have died out millions of years ago. Do we still need it now? Maybe no, but we don't have a choice we all have to live with it. Human nature doesn't make you cheat on your spouse but if conditions are correct (not correct) the tendency will be there to look for a more suitable or replacement partner or someone to fill the void(s). Men and women are not the same, we think different, we have different needs, that makes what we see as attraction qualities different, we even love differently. Sometimes the way we say things, the other gender can't understand, or they take it the wrong way, we have all been there.... Who doesn't want to know? Or who will put up with the cheating spouse more often? From my observations, and it's not 100% of the time but more likely to be the woman that puts up with the cheating man. Why? If she has her family (children) and he is still the good father and filling her needs. He is likely also higher status. She will likely be middle age or older. This will likely change in the younger generations. Why will the man be less likely to tolerate a cheating wife/GF? Paternity of her offspring. Not many men want to be (Chuck....) deceived into raising another man's child. (That will likely cause debate) I think this still plays a part even after child bearing years. Again part of human nature..... Note: Don't take this comment as an attack on any gender or anyone. 3
Wiseman2 Posted September 26, 2021 Posted September 26, 2021 Of course because my attorney would be on speed dial after that. 2
Just a Guy Posted September 27, 2021 Posted September 27, 2021 Hi Pepper, I think the Go To answer for most people would be they would want to know. The fact is that even if a WS was able to cover up their affair so well that the BS was none the wiser, the fact is that the WS would know and it would eat at their conscience like a virus eating at their entrails. Also, the fact is that the BS would be living a lie and God forbid if the BS discovered the affair by accident years later. I remember the case of a WW who had kept a record of her affair on her computer which had been replaced with a new one. Eight Yeats after her affair was terminated due to her AP having been killed in a car crash, her husband was working on the new computer and it hung up. He retrieved the old computer which was serviceable and set it up to complete his work. While working he noticed a file which had a peculiar name and his curiosity aroused, he opened it. There he found evidence of a long drawn out affair his wife had with one of their neighbours who she gotvtovknow while putting their kids on the school bus as would the neighbour. The result was a divorce and the WW finally committed suicide due to having fallen into depression if I remember rightly. Some of you may remember that case. I think for all concerned, it is better that an affair is exposed while it is still ongoing! My view on this. Warm regards. 1
DKT3 Posted September 28, 2021 Posted September 28, 2021 On 9/23/2021 at 11:46 AM, central said: We've talked about this, and decided that if there was no substantial (negative) change to our relationship, we wouldn't want to know. Many (perhaps even most) people actually get away with affairs; they eventually end and no one ever finds out. We don't think it's worth blowing things up at that point, anyway. If it's discovered while ongoing, that's different, because strong emotions are likely triggered and have to be dealt with. Your marriage is open, so already that shows you guys have a different definition of betrayal and/or extra relationships. Also I believe its false that most or even many affairs go unnoticed. People get away with Cheating, ie ONS, short flings on business trips and such. Affairs leave too much of a trail, and emotions get involved which means no matter how amazing the cheater believes they are it impacts their marriage. 1
Daisydooks Posted September 28, 2021 Posted September 28, 2021 I am SO glad I found out. I would not want to be kept in the dark. It hurt and it turned my entire life upside down. I am ok with that though 2
Author pepperbird2 Posted September 28, 2021 Author Posted September 28, 2021 5 hours ago, Daisydooks said: I am SO glad I found out. I would not want to be kept in the dark. It hurt and it turned my entire life upside down. I am ok with that though I always find the "what a BS doesn't know won't hurt them" attitude of some WS . In my experience, once you know about something, you can get out in front of it and face it.
central Posted September 28, 2021 Posted September 28, 2021 12 hours ago, DKT3 said: Your marriage is open, so already that shows you guys have a different definition of betrayal and/or extra relationships. Also I believe its false that most or even many affairs go unnoticed. People get away with Cheating, ie ONS, short flings on business trips and such. Affairs leave too much of a trail, and emotions get involved which means no matter how amazing the cheater believes they are it impacts their marriage. Fair enough about my perspective. However, the number of undiscovered affairs is hard to pin down for obvious reasons, but there are clear indications of the prevalence. The usual numbers we've heard for a long time are about 20% for women, 25% for men (roughly). In more recent years, I've seen far higher numbers. One Survey found 95 per cent of women and 83 per cent of men have cheated on partners and not been found out. Another survey found the overall percentage of straying spouses that never get found out is 89 per cent. The journal of Marriage and Divorce concludes that a mind blowing 70% of married Americans cheat at least once in their marriage. Yet another found out that most people get caught cheating during their third affair and it takes an average of four years for adultery to be exposed — most commonly through text messages. Only 11 percent were caught during their first affair, and 12 percent were caught during their second. I stand by my assertion.
DKT3 Posted September 28, 2021 Posted September 28, 2021 3 minutes ago, central said: Fair enough about my perspective. However, the number of undiscovered affairs is hard to pin down for obvious reasons, but there are clear indications of the prevalence. The usual numbers we've heard for a long time are about 20% for women, 25% for men (roughly). In more recent years, I've seen far higher numbers. One Survey found 95 per cent of women and 83 per cent of men have cheated on partners and not been found out. Another survey found the overall percentage of straying spouses that never get found out is 89 per cent. The journal of Marriage and Divorce concludes that a mind blowing 70% of married Americans cheat at least once in their marriage. Yet another found out that most people get caught cheating during their third affair and it takes an average of four years for adultery to be exposed — most commonly through text messages. Only 11 percent were caught during their first affair, and 12 percent were caught during their second. I stand by my assertion. First, I hope my post didn't come off as judgmental, I think you've seen enough of my posts to know I'm in support of whatever kind of relationship a couple or group mutually agree on. I was only, like you said, point out how your perspective could be different from most. Cheating is two types. ONS, flings and the you have affairs. Yes I've seen the numbers that suggest upwards of 80% have cheated. But dig deeper into those numbers, you will find the vast majority are drunken kisses, and inappropriate conversations. Affairs (a relationship outside of the marriage) rarely go undiscovered. For many years infidelities were the leading causes of divorce, until states stopped making it available as an option, it still stands in at 3 but most of 2 irreconcilable differences, are mostly affairs in states where its unavailable. Another large portion get caught but have spouse who look the out way. People who don't get caught are those who don't carry on.
glows Posted September 28, 2021 Posted September 28, 2021 5 hours ago, pepperbird2 said: I always find the "what a BS doesn't know won't hurt them" attitude of some WS . In my experience, once you know about something, you can get out in front of it and face it. That line of thinking supports a fantasy. "What a person doesn't know won't hurt them." It's avoiding the issue but that is usually the running pattern for any betrayal or cheating behaviour. Deception runs on unilateral thinking that way or one track-mindedness without consideration for other's feelings or different perspective. 3
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