Just found out my ex got married

[Lowkey7]

My ex (F 30) wasn’t a very nice person at all, but I (M 27) loved her with all my heart, she was everything to me however she turned on me one day so suddenly, broke up with me and soon after was with someone new. Our families spoke and met, we were suppose to get married and spend the rest of our life together, I adored and loved her parents to the point I had already accepted them as my in laws and she loved mine. I’ve never recovered from this breakup, something in me died that day and I have no interest in other women, any time anyone speaks to me, I feel so dead inside and drained. It’s been like this for so long now. Yesterday I found out she got married through her Instagram bio, again, she was married before she met me but had gotten divorced. When I saw this, I don’t know why but it felt like my whole world came crashing down on me, I was close to tears, I was so sure I was over her, I am.. it’s the pain she caused me when I treated her how any girl would wish to be treated, I never said a bad word or mistreated her. I feel so depressed and in this state feel like I’ll be lonely for the rest of my life even though I know I have a good heart whereas she doesn’t but she’s moved on and married and I’m left behind 😔

[d0nnivain]

I'm so sorry you are taking this so hard.   You will not be alone forever if you don't want to be.  Right now you are alone because you have chosen to hang on to her & to live in the past.  You need to disconnect from her . Part of that means you have to disconnect from her on all platforms including social media.  You never should have been able to see her IG. 

Let this be the final nail in the coffin.  You have to acknowledge that part of your life is over  You are only 27.  Let go of the past.  Embrace your future.  Remind yourself that the best is yet to come.  When you let go of her you will finally be free to move forward in life.   

[Lowkey7]

24 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

I'm so sorry you are taking this so hard.   You will not be alone forever if you don't want to be.  Right now you are alone because you have chosen to hang on to her & to live in the past.  You need to disconnect from her . Part of that means you have to disconnect from her on all platforms including social media.  You never should have been able to see her IG. 

Let this be the final nail in the coffin.  You have to acknowledge that part of your life is over  You are only 27.  Let go of the past.  Embrace your future.  Remind yourself that the best is yet to come.  When you let go of her you will finally be free to move forward in life.   

Thank you for your kind message..

I’ve been trying everything to move forward and meet someone new, my family are on my case about getting married but they don’t understand what I’m going through. It’s so tough 😣 

[d0nnivain]

Have you tried making lists?   That is what I always did to get over heartache. 

One list is about why the EX is bad for me. 

One list is about all the things I want to do now that I have time in my life again.  New hobbies; books to read; places to go etc. 

One list is about new places to meet people, expand my social circle & keep myself busy. 

Make some changes in your life.  Get a new haircut.  Buy a new outfit,  Work more or pick up a side hustle.  Volunteer somewhere.  Redecorate your living space.  Reinvest in an old hobby or pick up a new one.   Get some exercise.   Now is a good time to reinvent yourself & self soothe.  

[Lowkey7]

7 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

Have you tried making lists?   That is what I always did to get over heartache. 

One list is about why the EX is bad for me. 

One list is about all the things I want to do now that I have time in my life again.  New hobbies; books to read; places to go etc. 

One list is about new places to meet people, expand my social circle & keep myself busy. 

Make some changes in your life.  Get a new haircut.  Buy a new outfit,  Work more or pick up a side hustle.  Volunteer somewhere.  Redecorate your living space.  Reinvest in an old hobby or pick up a new one.   Get some exercise.   Now is a good time to reinvent yourself & self soothe.  

I think I need to take this advice on board for sure  even though I think it won’t do much 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Lowkey7 said:

My ex (F 30) wasn’t a very nice person at all😔

Sounds like you dodged a bullet. See a physician and therapist about the chronic depression/anxiety.

[Lowkey7]

Just now, Wiseman2 said:

Sounds like you dodged a bullet. See a physician and therapist about the chronic depression/anxiety.

Everyone says this to me, that I dodged a bullet, even my parents say this to me now and that I should be grateful this all didn’t happen if I married her because then it would have been worse which I know is true.

She was probably the most evil person I’ve met in my life, I just don’t know why I can’t heal, I know she isn’t worth it at all. I feel so helpless. 

[glows]

When was the break up? How long were you together? You've called her evil but this is a bit overdramatic as most people aren't evil. She hasn't done anything to actively harm your person or those around you. She just wasn't into you or the relationship anymore. I say this not to minimize what you feel (I'm acknowledging it) but it's better not to blow this out of proportion. Every break up hurts. Delete her from all social media so that you are not receiving updates and don't inadvertently walk into a story or some other about her life like her getting married. 

You can get through this but it takes conscious and dedicated effort on your part, making choices like the above. You are not helpless. Start making those choices and help yourself. 

[Lowkey7]

4 minutes ago, glows said:

When was the break up? How long were you together? You've called her evil but this is a bit overdramatic as most people aren't evil. She hasn't done anything to actively harm your person or those around you. She just wasn't into you or the relationship anymore. I say this not to minimize what you feel (I'm acknowledging it) but it's better not to blow this out of proportion. Every break up hurts. Delete her from all social media so that you are not receiving updates and don't inadvertently walk into a story or some other about her life like her getting married. 

You can get through this but it takes conscious and dedicated effort on your part, making choices like the above. You are not helpless. Start making those choices and help yourself. 

Early last year, I had a car accident whilst on the way to see her once because she was feeling down, which I broke my arm, ribs and leg and when she broke up with me, she said she wish I died..

when we broke up, she messaged my ex from 8 years ago and messaged my dad making out I physically and verbally abused, I’m nothing like that, I wouldn’t hurt a fly or even curse out my own worst enemy. 
 

so much more she did for no reason, like if I was bad to her or said something wrong then fair enough but God is my witness, I was so good to her, I treated her so well and went over and beyond for her every day. 

[d0nnivain]

So it sounds like your list of why she's bad for you should practically write itself.   This is a woman who literally kicked you when you were down, after a car accident.   Then she said the most vile things to you.  

You two only broke up last year & she's already married.  That is another indication that she makes rash decisions.  

You aren't helpless.  You simply haven't taken action to help yourself  It's time to pick yourself up, dust yourself & move forward to a healthier, happier relationship with somebody who will appreciate what a nice guy you are.  

[Lowkey7]

1 minute ago, d0nnivain said:

So it sounds like your list of why she's bad for you should practically write itself.   This is a woman who literally kicked you when you were down, after a car accident.   Then she said the most vile things to you.  

You two only broke up last year & she's already married.  That is another indication that she makes rash decisions.  

You aren't helpless.  You simply haven't taken action to help yourself  It's time to pick yourself up, dust yourself & move forward to a healthier, happier relationship with somebody who will appreciate what a nice guy you are.  

She made me feel so worthless and I’m finding it hard to get myself out of that and to value myself, Im just not interested in a relationship anymore even though I do want to be with someone and settle down, start a family.

[glows]

Unfortunately it's probably best to consult with a doctor about these struggles rather than find a life partner. It's not going to work at the mental/emotional state you're in. Comparing yourself to your peers and being pressured by your family doesn't help either. It's good to have these aspirations but not realistic at this time. 

[d0nnivain]

You are not worthless.  Find reasons to care about yourself again.  Little victories will help.  Accomplish something.  It doesn't have to be profound.  It can doing a puzzle or losing 5 pounds; finally cleaning out the garage.  Just set your mind to something & do it  Then do something else, until you feel worthwhile again.  

[mark clemson]

9 hours ago, Lowkey7 said:

she was everything to me however she turned on me one day so suddenly, broke up with me and soon after was with someone new.

These are signs of a possible personality disorder or tendencies (e.g. of BPD), so however much you feel "love" she probably could not easily be a very good partner for someone long term. For better or worse, falling in love with very much the wrong person happens to people all the time, unfortunately.

Agree with the suggestion of therapy, you don't need to be stuck mourning what cannot (and actually should not) be when there is the potential for a better relationship out there once you are ready to seek it.

[Beachead]

@Lowkey7

10 hours ago, Lowkey7 said:

My ex (F 30) wasn’t a very nice person at all, but I (M 27) loved her with all my heart, she was everything to me however she turned on me one day so suddenly, broke up with me and soon after was with someone new. Our families spoke and met, we were suppose to get married and spend the rest of our life together, I adored and loved her parents to the point I had already accepted them as my in laws and she loved mine. I’ve never recovered from this breakup, something in me died that day and I have no interest in other women, any time anyone speaks to me, I feel so dead inside and drained. It’s been like this for so long now. Yesterday I found out she got married through her Instagram bio, again, she was married before she met me but had gotten divorced. When I saw this, I don’t know why but it felt like my whole world came crashing down on me, I was close to tears, I was so sure I was over her, I am.. it’s the pain she caused me when I treated her how any girl would wish to be treated, I never said a bad word or mistreated her. I feel so depressed and in this state feel like I’ll be lonely for the rest of my life even though I know I have a good heart whereas she doesn’t but she’s moved on and married and I’m left behind 😔

I'm sorry you had to go through this.  I went through something similar in the sense that the last person I was with left me and went back to her ex an married him not long after.  With me, she basically made our relationship so difficult that she forced me into prioritizing my own mental-health and breaking it off with her.  Long story short, her ex was still in the picture and I was already experienced enough to pick up on the fact that she wanted to try it again with him.  So we ended, and sure enough, she got back together with him and 3 weeks afterwards, she told me she could no longer speak to me as she promised him he wouldn't have any contact with me again.  I was a broken mess for months.  To add insult to injury, when I finally began to feel like I was picking the pieces back up about 8 months afterwards, a mutual friend told me she was marrying her ex.  The thing is, even though they leave the way they do, there's this hope they'd come back one day and tell you they made a mistake, leaving.   But, it never happened that way for me. 

Took me about 2-3 years to fully heal.  

You'll recover but in your own time. 

Your numbness is a sign you are grieving. Let it be and make sure you let yourself feel everything included within it.  You'll go through a lot of ups and downs with an emotional range of intense sadness, anger, a desire to reconcile with them and reconnect.  You'll feel numb at times like you do.  Do not date.  You need alone time.  I suggest you get acquainted with a notebook where you can journal your thoughts out with no editing or restriction.  Cuss as much as you want to inside it.   Just free writing onto paper and seeing what comes out.  You can write as frequently as you want.  Over time, you're going to see a lot of patterns in your thoughts.  The only thing I will advise is for you to write 2 things that have nothing to do with your ex, that you are grateful for and reinforce it everyday.  It can be the smallest things like a warm shower and/or a warm cup of coffee in the morning.   It's important you remember that you care about something other than her.

Ultimately, this girl was someone else who felt breaking up with you and being with another person was the right decision or her.  This shows the relationship was never going to succeed because the relationship for her wasn't the same as what it was for you. Who you thought she was or whoever you wanted her to be, wasn't who she actually was.  She concealed her true self from you, be it unintentionally or intentionally.  You just realize it now and that's the difference.   This is more about you coming to terms with the reality of that and the fact that you could trust a person with your heart and have it broken by them, than losing her.   Truth is, no experience is a waste no matter how much of a waste it feels like.  In time, as you heal, you'll gain clarity and begin to see the cracks and the flaws in the relationship that had existed that you hadn't noticed before and that ultimately she wasn't the "One" because if she was, she'd be here with you, and not married to someone else.  

- Beach

 

 

[Lowkey7]

28 minutes ago, Beachead said:

@Lowkey7

I'm sorry you had to go through this.  I went through something similar in the sense that the last person I was with left me and went back to her ex an married him not long after.  With me, she basically made our relationship so difficult that she forced me into prioritizing my own mental-health and breaking it off with her.  Long story short, her ex was still in the picture and I was already experienced enough to pick up on the fact that she wanted to try it again with him.  So we ended, and sure enough, she got back together with him and 3 weeks afterwards, she told me she could no longer speak to me as she promised him he wouldn't have any contact with me again.  I was a broken mess for months.  To add insult to injury, when I finally began to feel like I was picking the pieces back up about 8 months afterwards, a mutual friend told me she was marrying her ex.  The thing is, even though they leave the way they do, there's this hope they'd come back one day and tell you they made a mistake, leaving.   But, it never happened that way for me. 

Took me about 2-3 years to fully heal.  

You'll recover but in your own time. 

Your numbness is a sign you are grieving. Let it be and make sure you let yourself feel everything included within it.  You'll go through a lot of ups and downs with an emotional range of intense sadness, anger, a desire to reconcile with them and reconnect.  You'll feel numb at times like you do.  Do not date.  You need alone time.  I suggest you get acquainted with a notebook where you can journal your thoughts out with no editing or restriction.  Cuss as much as you want to inside it.   Just free writing onto paper and seeing what comes out.  You can write as frequently as you want.  Over time, you're going to see a lot of patterns in your thoughts.  The only thing I will advise is for you to write 2 things that have nothing to do with your ex, that you are grateful for and reinforce it everyday.  It can be the smallest things like a warm shower and/or a warm cup of coffee in the morning.   It's important you remember that you care about something other than her.

Ultimately, this girl was someone else who felt breaking up with you and being with another person was the right decision or her.  This shows the relationship was never going to succeed because the relationship for her wasn't the same as what it was for you. Who you thought she was or whoever you wanted her to be, wasn't who she actually was.  She concealed her true self from you, be it unintentionally or intentionally.  You just realize it now and that's the difference.   This is more about you coming to terms with the reality of that and the fact that you could trust a person with your heart and have it broken by them, than losing her.   Truth is, no experience is a waste no matter how much of a waste it feels like.  In time, as you heal, you'll gain clarity and begin to see the cracks and the flaws in the relationship that had existed that you hadn't noticed before and that ultimately she wasn't the "One" because if she was, she'd be here with you, and not married to someone else.  

- Beach

 

 

Thank you for sharing that, you’re 100% correct.. what worries me is that you said it take you few years to heal fully, I just hope it doesn’t hold take me this long cause it’s just to much of a burden on me, I feel like it’s holding me back so much.. I think one thing I realised is that I was in love with who I thought she was, because deep down I always knew she wasn’t the nicest of people… even when we was together, I would do something nice to make her happy and she would just make me feel like s*** about me and compare it something her ex husband did to her. I tolerated so much for this girl and had so much patience, what hurts the most is that I gave her everything she ever asked for and I gave her so so much love and for her to leave me the way she did, it’s like my love meant nothing and that I’m worthless, like my best isn’t good enough for her or any other girl out there. 

[Lowkey7]

2 hours ago, mark clemson said:

These are signs of a possible personality disorder or tendencies (e.g. of BPD), so however much you feel "love" she probably could not easily be a very good partner for someone long term. For better or worse, falling in love with very much the wrong person happens to people all the time, unfortunately.

Agree with the suggestion of therapy, you don't need to be stuck mourning what cannot (and actually should not) be when there is the potential for a better relationship out there once you are ready to seek it.

I’m aware I dodged a bullet and she’s not stable enough to be in a relationship. It’s crazy for me to say despite what she did and said to me, I do wish her the best and hope she finds whatever she couldn’t find in me. I really tried my best.

[Lowkey7]

7 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

You are not worthless.  Find reasons to care about yourself again.  Little victories will help.  Accomplish something.  It doesn't have to be profound.  It can doing a puzzle or losing 5 pounds; finally cleaning out the garage.  Just set your mind to something & do it  Then do something else, until you feel worthwhile again.  

One thing I wish I could do is go gym as I find it very therapeutic but since my accident and my surgery, I can’t lift weights as I have metal plates in my arm which cause me too much pain.   

[Lotsgoingon]

 Let's get this clear: there was some reason she broke up with you. Now it might be that she was of bad character. You seem to say she lied in her reasoning for why she broke up with you. If she lied, then she's not worthy of being a gf.

So which one is it? Was your ex Miss Perfect and super wonderful who was always good for you? Or is she the lying, distorting, cruel person who obvious is not the type of person you want to date. 

You can't have it both ways.

[d0nnivain]

30 minutes ago, Lowkey7 said:

One thing I wish I could do is go gym as I find it very therapeutic but since my accident and my surgery, I can’t lift weights as I have metal plates in my arm which cause me too much pain.   

Talk to your doctor or your physical therapist & find a new exercise that you like.  

[Lowkey7]

13 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

 Let's get this clear: there was some reason she broke up with you. Now it might be that she was of bad character. You seem to say she lied in her reasoning for why she broke up with you. If she lied, then she's not worthy of being a gf.

So which one is it? Was your ex Miss Perfect and super wonderful who was always good for you? Or is she the lying, distorting, cruel person who obvious is not the type of person you want to date. 

You can't have it both ways.

She never gave me a reason, I never had a closure, she just one day turned psychotic towards me.. I just wish I never crossed paths with her, I wish I never face so much of myself to this person.

[Lotsgoingon]

So she was an unhealthy person who you are lucky to get away from. That's what you're saying. 

So why are you not feeling relief as opposed to rejection? 

If she is that bad, then the healthy reaction is relief for having dodged a bullet. Because you were going to get shot at by her sooner or later. 

[Lowkey7]

30 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

So she was an unhealthy person who you are lucky to get away from. That's what you're saying. 

So why are you not feeling relief as opposed to rejection? 

If she is that bad, then the healthy reaction is relief for having dodged a bullet. Because you were going to get shot at by her sooner or later. 

I think it was the first time I’ve been in love well had the feeling of being in love so at the time, it wasn’t her but it was something that just made me the happiest guy in the world, now I’m just so depressed and sad all the time. 

[Lotsgoingon]

I know this sounds unrealistic right now, and you indeed want to use counseling to help yourself, but trust me: there are always better people out in the world. You're suffering from the dump person's illusion. The illusion is I can't be happy without this one person. That thinking is always wrong. Unfortunately it's nearly impossible to see how wrong this is because right now your body is in crisis. You're feeling abandoned and rejected. 

Feeling rejected and devalued happens because when we love someone deeply, we come to trust their thinking and so when the person whose thinking we trust and rely on the most decides that we are not a good partner for them, it's disorienting.  But you don't want to stay in that phase. You gotta get out and live and build a life. 

We almost all been dumped, OK. And most of us have felt as bad, or even worse, then you feel right now. Crushed. Devastated. You are not defective for feeling this, but something is wrong if you're stuck here. One way to move on is to begin to analyze the relationship. I asked you some questions to push you in that direction, but you've ducked the questions.

Most likely your ex's bad qualities were there before the breakup. You just ignored them because you became so enamored of her. That happens, but that is not a good dating strategy. You accuse her of lying--which should help you let go of her--but you still cling to her as special. And again, there is ALWAYS some reason people break up with us. If you can begin to answer that question, you are half way there on the path towards healing. 

 

[Johnjohnson2017]

On 9/16/2021 at 8:42 AM, Lowkey7 said:

My ex (F 30) wasn’t a very nice person at all, but I (M 27) loved her with all my heart, she was everything to me however she turned on me one day so suddenly, broke up with me and soon after was with someone new. Our families spoke and met, we were suppose to get married and spend the rest of our life together, I adored and loved her parents to the point I had already accepted them as my in laws and she loved mine. I’ve never recovered from this breakup, something in me died that day and I have no interest in other women, any time anyone speaks to me, I feel so dead inside and drained. It’s been like this for so long now. Yesterday I found out she got married through her Instagram bio, again, she was married before she met me but had gotten divorced. When I saw this, I don’t know why but it felt like my whole world came crashing down on me, I was close to tears, I was so sure I was over her, I am.. it’s the pain she caused me when I treated her how any girl would wish to be treated, I never said a bad word or mistreated her. I feel so depressed and in this state feel like I’ll be lonely for the rest of my life even though I know I have a good heart whereas she doesn’t but she’s moved on and married and I’m left behind 😔

She will get divorced again I'm sure of it. People like that will never be happy and make their partners miserable. You don't need somebody in your life who treats you badly. You will feel better with time and will find somebody new that will make you forget about her.