aftershine Posted September 5, 2021 Posted September 5, 2021 I have a male friend (22), we liked each other and started dating. But after 4 months i got the feeling he didn't want to commit but i did so i left. I told him that its not working and blocked him on most things but he managed to contact me after 1.5 months and we talked then started dating again. I was still antsy I guess bc he would tell me how he committed to his ex-gfs within 2 weeks. But i felt like he didn't want to be with me at all so I leave and try to move on, i blocked him on everything. He comes to my place of work and says he wants to be friends. I was like ok which ended up leading us to dating again. This man will not leave me alone. But this time, after a while I expressed how drained and tired I am of this unending dating stage. He responded with: "Do you want to know the truth, I am waiting for you to change, as you are, you are not the girl I want to date, I feel like you have so much room left to grow, I’ve already been through my beginner stages and it feels like going backwards when I talk to you cause it’s like I’m teaching you how you should be acting. I’ve already been through my growth stage, I realized recently after our last discussion more than ever that you have absolutely no experience when it comes to dealing with another person, and you have not hit that point in your life where you are matured to where I can say I want you to be my partner, I believe that I’ve been staying and talking to you in an attempt to help you grow faster but i don’t think this is the way". I left for good this time and made sure he can't contact me. I also switched jobs so he can't see me there anymore. But WHY do men do this? Why not just leave me alone if im not the girl you want to commit to?
Timshel Posted September 5, 2021 Posted September 5, 2021 I understand that this guy hurt your feelings but he sounds like a manipulative jerk. The only thing you need to learn from this experience is that YOU decide when a person leaves you alone. Be as picky about letting a man in your world as the way you take your coffee, the way you wear your hair or what you choose to put on before you leave your house. He took what you were giving. Simple as that, 2
glows Posted September 5, 2021 Posted September 5, 2021 On the contrary, his growth appears stunted. I’m sorry that you had to experience that. Not all men do this. There are very good men out there who will never do something like this or utter the words this person did. Brush yourself off and take the lessons with you. You’ll be a lot smarter going forward. 2
Author aftershine Posted September 5, 2021 Author Posted September 5, 2021 I think im done with dating lol....im tired and drained
elaine567 Posted September 5, 2021 Posted September 5, 2021 3 hours ago, aftershine said: ut WHY do men do this? Why not just leave me alone if im not the girl you want to commit to? "Men" don't do this, this guy has done this. When men tell you they don't want to date you or be in a relationship with you, then you walk away - the first time they say it. You do not give them second chances or hope they will somehow later see your value. They don't and they won't. He used you pure and simple. 2
Alpacalia Posted September 5, 2021 Posted September 5, 2021 I'm sorry that happened. In response to your question, he may have enjoyed spending time with you, been attracted to you, and all that fluffy jazz. But, for whatever reason, he was not interested in the same things that you were. That's a good thing, because that was a birdbrain speech to say the least. Had you brought it up sooner, you may not have wasted those four months. 1
Caauug Posted September 5, 2021 Posted September 5, 2021 7 hours ago, aftershine said: "Do you want to know the truth, I am waiting for you to change, as you are, you are not the girl I want to date, I feel like you have so much room left to grow, I’ve already been through my beginner stages and it feels like going backwards when I talk to you cause it’s like I’m teaching you how you should be acting. I’ve already been through my growth stage, I realized recently after our last discussion more than ever that you have absolutely no experience when it comes to dealing with another person, and you have not hit that point in your life where you are matured to where I can say I want you to be my partner, I believe that I’ve been staying and talking to you in an attempt to help you grow faster but i don’t think this is the way". He's at a different stage than you are. Him holding out hope that you will change into someone he envisions as a suitable GF is wrong. You are, who you are. 6 hours ago, aftershine said: I think im done with dating lol....im tired and drained Just be done with him.... Enjoy this time in your life, it will not last forever.
stillafool Posted September 5, 2021 Posted September 5, 2021 17 hours ago, aftershine said: and you have not hit that point in your life where you are matured to where I can say I want you to be my partner, How old are you?
smackie9 Posted September 5, 2021 Posted September 5, 2021 Men don't do this, but jerks do...avoid them. 1
Ami1uwant Posted September 5, 2021 Posted September 5, 2021 What were the reasons he said to you why he didn’t want you 7 til you changed?
smackie9 Posted September 5, 2021 Posted September 5, 2021 He sounds obsessive...I guess for the 4 years before he had this idea of what you would be like, but when dating you were not what he saw in his vision. Sounds like he was trying to mold you into this image of his ideal GF....he's an absolute nutter. 1
Author aftershine Posted September 5, 2021 Author Posted September 5, 2021 1 hour ago, stillafool said: How old are you? Im 23, he is 22
Author aftershine Posted September 5, 2021 Author Posted September 5, 2021 33 minutes ago, smackie9 said: He sounds obsessive...I guess for the 4 years before he had this idea of what you would be like, but when dating you were not what he saw in his vision. Sounds like he was trying to mold you into this image of his ideal GF....he's an absolute nutter. I think so too lol....
Author aftershine Posted September 5, 2021 Author Posted September 5, 2021 45 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said: What were the reasons he said to you why he didn’t want you 7 til you changed? So I asked for his time, affection and consistency...he said I was being ungrateful and demanding bc he was giving me what i needed and i was like??? I haven't seen you in 2.5 weeks.
Lauriebell82 Posted September 6, 2021 Posted September 6, 2021 (edited) Ah yes, men who only like you when you aren't available to them. Stay far away from this types of men. He probably "committed" to his ex gfs because they played games, kept him guessing, upped his "intrigue.". But that's not a REAL intimate relationship. Real maturity and intimacy comes from being honest, NOT wanting or waiting for your partner to change, but communicating your wants and needs in a mature way. Lose this guy and find a grown up man. You sound like you have high standards for dating. Stick to them!!! Edited September 6, 2021 by Lauriebell82
Lauriebell82 Posted September 6, 2021 Posted September 6, 2021 36 minutes ago, aftershine said: So I asked for his time, affection and consistency...he said I was being ungrateful and demanding bc he was giving me what i needed and i was like??? I haven't seen you in 2.5 weeks. He has an avoidant type attachment style. So anyone communicating wants and needs to him is going to sound demanding and "needy." He probably likes partners who ask very little from him and just let him do what he wants. I have attracted lots and lots of these men in the past. Bottom line is: if you ask for anything from him he will most likely have a difficult time understanding and meeting that need. That's how avoidant people operate. Thats why he comes after you when you are apart. It activates his attachment style and he feels less threatened.
divegrl Posted September 6, 2021 Posted September 6, 2021 He is 22. Men’s brains don’t mature until 25. Give it a couple of years friend.
Author aftershine Posted September 6, 2021 Author Posted September 6, 2021 18 minutes ago, divegrl said: He is 22. Men’s brains don’t mature until 25. Give it a couple of years friend. I mean...I think he is a narcissist lol 1
glows Posted September 6, 2021 Posted September 6, 2021 (edited) 1 hour ago, aftershine said: I mean...I think he is a narcissist lol Or.. he just wasn’t that into you or attracted. There may be many reasons why he is the way he is. The problem is he could have said it in a much more civil and tactful way instead of going on a rant about personal growth. He has some maturing to do. Edited September 6, 2021 by glows 2
chillii Posted September 6, 2021 Posted September 6, 2021 (edited) lt's not why do "men" do this , they don't , most. lt's why are yours doing this , which some women will also do too , "some" . As for why , yeah he's young and all over the shop. Edited September 6, 2021 by chillii
Author aftershine Posted September 6, 2021 Author Posted September 6, 2021 (edited) 1 hour ago, glows said: Or.. he just wasn’t that into you or attracted. There may be many reasons why he is the way he is. The problem is he could have said it in a much more civil and tactful way instead of going on a rant about personal growth. He has some maturing to do. he admitted he is a narcissist, he boils it down to self-love. I suggested therapy or just talking to a friend about it but his response was "I'm perfect, there is literally nothing TO fix. Therapy is for the weak". I stayed bc I was attached and thought at least he recognizes it, maybe he will get better over time. I was dead wrong Edited September 6, 2021 by aftershine
Author aftershine Posted September 6, 2021 Author Posted September 6, 2021 Its not the rejection thats upsetting. Its just that he would try to put me down bc I didn't fit his standard for ideal woman. But I have always been confident in myself. He would ask me "what do you bring to the table?" while living with his mom -____- 1
chillii Posted September 6, 2021 Posted September 6, 2021 Attracted , surely there was more to it than just that , attraction's not gonna get you anywhere, what about the person. And in this case you have the person , the so called relationship and the thinking , that he is , wth are you even bothering with this rubbish.
mark clemson Posted September 6, 2021 Posted September 6, 2021 (edited) Quote Why do men chase even if you leave but don't want to commit? It's not just men. People can be conflicted in various ways, this sort of thing is not at all uncommon: - Emotionally they can want you, while rationally believing that you're not a good fit for them LT (for whatever reason, e.g. cultural differences in some cases, life goals, knowing they must leave for a different continent in a few years due to certain commitments, etc, etc). - They can want a relationship but have a general philosophy where they "don't believe in" marriage/LTRs. - Hot/cold (e.g. suddenly leaving) and breakups can mess with people's dopamine levels and some will "chase" the dopamine hit/restoration of being back with you. However, this does not necessarily change problematic underlying issues/incompatibilities the couple may have. - Some people have "avoidant attachment" where they want a relationship but also want to "keep you at a safe distance." This can take various forms and be at various "levels of severity" from what I understand, including a "fear of commitment". Often they DO want an attachment/relationship, but just on "their terms". - Some people just want a ST relationship (and/or series of them) and simply aren't that worried about what the partner wants, but are happy to "chase" to reestablish a convenient or "good" ST one, but - this doesn't change their general approach. The above are not mutually exclusive, so there are various combinations/permutations of them and probably some things I'm not thinking of as well. Edited September 6, 2021 by mark clemson
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