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Seemingly keen guy cannot let go of his ex whom he 'has no romantic feelings for' Perspectives?

babybrowns

By babybrowns
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Miss Spider Established Member

Miss Spider

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Posted (edited)

Allegedly alleged inappropriate behavior… lol

 

I mean for all we know he could be suspended for allegedly assaulting a woman. Maybe he is  not even really  a police officer hahah

 

Regardless, that drama that you shouldn’t even want want to deal with with a new bf. Plenty of upstanding police officers  who are single and  don’t have a bunch of smoke around them just saying

Edited by Cookiesandough
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ExpatInItaly Established Member

ExpatInItaly

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Posted
2 hours ago, babybrowns said:

I do miss this guy a lot. He just ticked a lot of boxes for me that my long term ex-partner who I’ve struggled getting over, did not.

He was super affectionate, he could read me better than my ex could, he had better connection with me

This is what I was referring to a few posts back, about you getting attached way too quickly. 

You barely know this man.

 

glows Established Member

glows

Posted
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2 hours ago, babybrowns said:

Thank you everyone for your posts once again. I know it sounds crazy but despite his big red flags, I do miss this guy a lot. He just ticked a lot of boxes for me that my long term ex-partner who I’ve struggled getting over, did not.

He was super affectionate, he could read me better than my ex could, he had better connection with me. It was all this that would make us talk late into the night, every day…with excitement and never getting bored, until I said I had to go to sleep so goodnight. I’ve never felt so connected and excited to interact with a guy before, from morning till night. Not to mention that when we kissed and hugged it was magical.

He also said that it was a rare thing for him to get so excited over a girl, that he never wanted a second date with anyone these past 2 years of being single and going on “countless dates”, that he was so excited about me and to have “finally met someone he was interested in”.

Given it all, I am finding it a bit quizzical how the man could just drop me like a piece of garbage. With so much abuse, after I didn’t do much wrong other than express concerns over his ex. Blocking me on every platform. Like how can he just go from being so keen to that, seemingly over so little? 

I don’t know if he will unblock me  but at this point after seeing his abusive side I have been turned off. I have been there for him as a great friend these 2 weeks, supporting him through this difficult time, reminding him of his worth and keeping his spirits high. I really didn’t deserve the belligerent episode from him last night. 

 

 

I’d keep this as simple as possible: met for a few dates, turned out to be an ogre with hovering ex/s in the background and a legal case ongoing. Dating should not be this complicated. You liked him but it’s not a good match. 

The best thing you can do for yourself now is just dust it off and move on. Dwelling on this is giving it more weight than it deserves. Be a little more wary next time and know your limits when it comes to dealbreakers.

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poppyfields Established Member

poppyfields

Posted
Posted
27 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

Allegedly alleged inappropriate behavior… lol

 

I mean for all we know he could be suspended for allegedly assaulting a woman. Maybe he is  not even really  a police officer hahah

 

Regardless, that drama that you shouldn’t even want want to deal with with a new bf. Plenty of upstanding police officers  who are single and  don’t have a bunch of smoke around them just saying

Agree!!  But my background is legal, so that's where my mind goes - allegedly, innocent until proven guilty - all that. 

But you are right, who needs all that drama going in, 100% agree! 

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Calmandfocused Established Member

Calmandfocused

Posted
Posted

This guy has inappropriate boundaries. With you, his ex, his “clients” and generally within his profession. 
 

In my view that is all you really need to know. 
 

You’d dodged a bullet travelling at high speed. Be grateful. 

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Daisy-oliviaWentcher Established Member

Daisy-oliviaWentcher

Posted
Posted
6 hours ago, babybrowns said:

Hello all,

Thank you again all of you for your insights. 

Whilst I have acknowledged already on here that I do get attached to people too quickly, we mustn’t forget that it was me who was trying to slow this man down.

After just one date, he was trying to build a false sense of closeness with me. He was future faking, saying he felt he had finally found someone after a 2-year search, telling his family and all. Texting me all the time and kept saying how much he was thinking about me and the good future with me that he envisions. To all of this I responded cordially but practically that it is nice to hear but that it is still early days.

After two dates, he asked me for exclusivity. 

After three dates, when we were intimate, that is when the ‘ex’ factor started to bother and concern me.

Last night, things finally came to a closed end. The guy took off what was clearly a mask he had been wearing all this time.
Sent me a tirade of abuse about how I was so silly to end it over his ex. He was rude, belittling and sarcastic. A very very different persona to the tender and loving one he had portrayed all this time.

I gently reminded him that he was the one who had brought his ex up and asked me how I felt about her being in his life on our first date. To this he responded with even more sarcasm “Haha well well well now who’s the one moving too fast huh? We hardly know each other, was it not your favourite phrase all this time BB? And you’re uncomfortable about my ex after just 3 dates? Loolll”

I sat through all his abuse and then simply responded, “What has happened to you? I’m not sure I recognise this man I am speaking with tonight. It is a very different one from the man I got to know and like” 

This must have struck a nerve since he then immediately blocked me on all platforms.

And that’s that! 

I am glad that I did see this nasty side to him since it has taken away more of my feelings for him. I find it very difficult to end things with someone I am fond of, and he has now helped with that.

I do hope though that things get better for him; he is in a lot of hot water and has sleepless nights thinking about his upcoming jail sentence which “could be life imprisonment”. If I managed to be a temporary comfort in his life even for a little while, that is a nice thought.

Thank you all for your help once again 💗


 

 

Total maturity btw. You have amazing insight and maturity and this guy seems insecure, immature and as you've just found out, a total waste of your time.

A relationship would have meant that it would have been incredibly short lived anyway. If he's going to jail, what would have been the point of seeing you or his ex partner or anyone for that matter.

And how come I hear so many police officers that uphold the law on the streets, but in private, are completely misogynistic to their partners at home and abusive, I might add.

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babybrowns Established Member

babybrowns

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1 hour ago, Daisy-oliviaWentcher said:

Total maturity btw. You have amazing insight and maturity and this guy seems insecure, immature and as you've just found out, a total waste of your time.

A relationship would have meant that it would have been incredibly short lived anyway. If he's going to jail, what would have been the point of seeing you or his ex partner or anyone for that matter.

And how come I hear so many police officers that uphold the law on the streets, but in private, are completely misogynistic to their partners at home and abusive, I might add.

Thank you, I really appreciate that. I just really enjoyed myself so much with him that I was putting everything else aside.

The “ex factor”, although brought to light by his own openness about it, in a way saved me from proceeding too far with him. I know the criminal thing should have put me off by itself but it didn’t; I’d never been in that situation before so it was relatively unknown territory for me amidst an otherwise great connection. In fact it brought out a lot of sympathy from me unto him. 

He was very angry on me last night about the fact that I ended it because of his ex. Talking to me in an extremely condescending, sarcastic and unpleasant tone. Like a Jekyll and Hyde character, unravelling a side to him I had never seen before. Clearly he did feel quite rejected, as @Poppyfields said too.

What I guess I find a little strange is that if he felt so hurt to have our little thing cut short like that, why not compromise even a little on his ‘friendship’ with his ex to give his dating life a chance? I do admire his honesty though and how he didn’t just fabricate something about them not talking anymore to keep me interested.

They broke up 2 years ago, very much against her will, yet she clearly has a lot of importance in his life. He is letting her firm position in his life jeopardise new romantic prospects who are not ok with her being around. I do feel that he is using this woman for something important in some way; either for emotional support through this very difficult time, as she has been providing already as he has proudly shared with me, or financial support.

If he did harbour romantic feelings for her still, I don’t think he would be actively on the dating market and travelling 3 hours to see a new date, lovebombing her and taking her out to nice restaurants and planning things. Thus I really do feel there is a very important arrangement that him and his ex have which renders it impossible for him to lose her.

But then again, why would he ask me how I felt about her being in his life on our first date and additionally telling me it would be “easy” for him to lose that connection if we got together?  Part of it I feel was the classic pulling wool over the eyes in order to reach physical intimacy, something which he did accomplish the last time we saw each other, after which his interest in keeping me around waned and the truth about him not being able to lose his ex came out.

Either way, I did enjoy our time together despite all the background. I knew it would be temporary which is why I went ahead and did enjoy it despite the odds. Glad that it ended when it did!

Edited by babybrowns
poppyfields Established Member

poppyfields

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Posted (edited)

BB again 100% respect your feelings about this BUT I'm curious, would you feel the same about it if she were not his ex, but another woman friend?

Say, a close female friend he has had for many years?  Never dated but very close.  

Would it make a difference if she were attractive, not attractive?

There are some people who believe a friendship with the opposite sex (ex or not) is wrong and would dump.  Or simply not possible. 

Some would say if you're not dating /having sex, it's a "waste of time."  I have heard some men say this! 

Where's the line drawn (for you) or is there one? 

No judgment either way, just curious.

Edited by poppyfields
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babybrowns Established Member

babybrowns

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Posted (edited)
21 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

BB again 100% respect your feelings about this BUT I'm curious, would you feel the same about it if she were not his ex, but another woman friend?

Say, a close female friend he has had for many years?  Never dated but very close.  

Would it make a difference if she were attractive, not attractive?

There are some people who believe a friendship with the opposite sex (ex or not) is wrong and would dump. 

They would say if you're not dating /having sex, it's a "waste of time."

I have heard men say this?  

Where's the line drawn or is their one? 

Hi Poppyfields

I would feel differently because-

A female friend that he has never made a move on would not cause concern. But an ex partner whom he 

- has been attracted to enough to have had sex with 

- brings up now and then in conversation and sings her praises to me, repeatedly

- is unwilling to compromise his association with even a little despite a new conquest voicing her concerns,

All that is bothersome.

But it was his abusive and attacking torrents on me last night, disproportionate and unnecessarily violent in their projection, that put me off. I’ve only ever been nice to him and he walked all over that, taking out his inner frustrations on me, as he said me “playing a silly game about his ex is really not what he needs at this difficult time”. 

Before this episode I was still uncertain/not really wanting to finish things since I had become so fond of him, having never before seen that uber unpleasant side to him. It is true that I was getting fond of only one side of him that I had seen, having not seen the other, very very different face to him until last night. 

Edited by babybrowns
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poppyfields Established Member

poppyfields

Posted
Posted (edited)

Fair enough, I understand, thx for clarifying.

Bummer how it turned out, fortunately it was only a mere two weeks.

Blessing in disguise, you will meet a better man for you. 💛

 

Edited by poppyfields
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babybrowns Established Member

babybrowns

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I just can’t believe how a man can just block someone whom he has spent time with in person on 3 fun and long dates, when she’s not knowingly done anything wrong, and been nothing but a good friend to him for 2 weeks? Travelling 3 hours to go see him too…I am not sure about this extreme reaction here, I’m really not.
Like if he was done talking to me, wouldn’t it be more normal behaviour to just stop talking/ end association without having to full-on block? It was literally abruptly in the middle of a conversation that he blocked me, when I said to him that I didn’t recognise the person he was being that night. And poof he was gone.
Especially after I’ve been intimate with someone which is a big deal to me, being blocked as pretty much the next thing after that feels so 💩 lol

Edited by babybrowns
basil67 Established Member

basil67

Posted
Posted
27 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

I just can’t believe how a man can just block someone whom he has spent time with in person on 3 fun and long dates, 

You dumped him after these three fun and long dates.  Why wouldn't he block you? 

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glows Established Member

glows

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As he blocked you mid-conversation it’s only a reflection of him. You have to put this behind you. Hanging on to this is no good at all. He’s not worth it. You might be bummed for a few days but this will pass. 

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babybrowns Established Member

babybrowns

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14 minutes ago, basil67 said:

You dumped him after these three fun and long dates.  Why wouldn't he block you? 

Blocking is an extreme reaction and is done when you can’t stand getting contacted by this person again. Typically if they have been nasty and abusive.

If their only crime has been ending something with you amicably on perfectly reasonable grounds, when it wasn’t even finalised but still in discussion, and yet this is enough to make you permanently block them mid-convo when nothing bad was even said, it suggests intense insecurity issues and less than a person with a healthy mindset can tolerate.

I’m not going to judge you if you’d react in the same way to getting ‘dumped’ on perfectly reasonable grounds,  but it would not be seen by some as normal behaviour. 

 

Edited by babybrowns
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poppyfields Established Member

poppyfields

Posted
Posted (edited)
10 hours ago, babybrowns said:

I gently reminded him that he was the one who had brought his ex up and asked me how I felt about her being in his life on our first date.

Your first date he told you?

Not sure why, but I missed that earlier.

Given your very strong views about no ex's, why did you continue to see him for a second and third date even becoming physically intimate? 

Notwithstanding his last text lashing out, can you not see how HE might have played by you?

Again so curious why you continued on? 

Next time, given your strong opinion about this, when a man tells you on first date he's close friends with with an ex, next him immediately.

Don't hang around hoping he will dump a good friend for you, that is misleading and unfair.

The reason he blocked you is he felt rejected, played and hurt.  An overreaction, but understandable, imho.

Isn't it obvious? No disrespect but what's not to understand? 

I dont know enough about him to deem him an abuser, narcissist or player.

YOU rejected him after third date about something you discovered on the first date. 

It's important to put yourself in another's shoes and try to see things from their perspective not just your own.

 

 

 

 

Edited by poppyfields
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basil67 Established Member

basil67

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Posted (edited)
56 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

Blocking is an extreme reaction and is done when you can’t stand getting contacted by this person again. Typically if they have been nasty and abusive.

This may be how you use a block function, but others may use it to simply move on.  

Or as @poppyfields said, he may have felt used by you because you kept dating him even after you knew that there was a deal breaker.  And just because you see your reason for ending "perfectly reasonable grounds" doesn't mean that he'll agree.

Lastly, why do you care?  I'm sure you wouldn't expect him to stay in contact with you.

Edited by basil67
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Alpacalia Established Member

Alpacalia

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Posted

Perhaps the OP felt that maybe there was a possibility that they had unfinished business and concluded that, coupled with the "alleged" inappropriate behavior, no one had time for that.

More importantly, the majority of people like to begin a new romantic connection that is oriented on them: the new love interest. Why is it so much to ask to want to date someone not overshadowed by past lives? 

OP gave it a shot, but she decided it wasn't for her, and that was the end of it.

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spiderowl Established Member

spiderowl

Posted
Posted
11 hours ago, babybrowns said:

Thank you everyone for your posts once again. I know it sounds crazy but despite his big red flags, I do miss this guy a lot. He just ticked a lot of boxes for me that my long term ex-partner who I’ve struggled getting over, did not.

He was super affectionate, he could read me better than my ex could, he had better connection with me. It was all this that would make us talk late into the night, every day…with excitement and never getting bored, until I said I had to go to sleep so goodnight. I’ve never felt so connected and excited to interact with a guy before, from morning till night. Not to mention that when we kissed and hugged it was magical.

He also said that it was a rare thing for him to get so excited over a girl, that he never wanted a second date with anyone these past 2 years of being single and going on “countless dates”, that he was so excited about me and to have “finally met someone he was interested in”.

Given it all, I am finding it a bit quizzical how the man could just drop me like a piece of garbage. With so much abuse, after I didn’t do much wrong other than express concerns over his ex. Blocking me on every platform. Like how can he just go from being so keen to that, seemingly over so little? 

I don’t know if he will unblock me  but at this point after seeing his abusive side I have been turned off. I have been there for him as a great friend these 2 weeks, supporting him through this difficult time, reminding him of his worth and keeping his spirits high. I really didn’t deserve the belligerent episode from him last night. 

 

 

I am sorry this happened, BB.  It does sound like was lovebombing somewhat, though equally he could just have been excited and thrilled to meet you.

I would not be puzzled as to how he could drop you - the way in which he dropped you maybe but he dropped you because you dropped him.  He felt hurt and rejected and reacted badly.  I only mention this because you said he dropped you which is not the case.

I still think the suspension problem could mushroom into something incredibly embarrassing and that, if you had bought into his story about it, you may find yourself regretting it.  We don't know what the findings will be and it may all be a misunderstanding but he clearly had some sort of relationship with a 'client'.  I do know a decent guy who got involved with a client.  He was in a different profession and he was forcibly retired because of it.  They married and had children together.  They had other problems but both had good intentions.  I do not think people ought to cross these boundaries because they are there to protect vulnerable people, but at the same time I can see that, just occasionally, true love happens.

spiderowl Established Member

spiderowl

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Posted (edited)

Regarding the ex, the fact that he asked you how you would feel on the first date suggests one of two things to me:

1) Having the ex in his life has been a problem before and other women have objected

2) She's more significant to him than he might realise and he wants to be sure she is staying in his life.

Neither seem very reassuring.  I don't think being friends with an ex should be forbidden or be a dealbreaker.  What kinds of people always hate their ex's or feel they should not care about them any more?  How do you feel about this guy suddenly shutting you off?  It hurts when someone you consider to be a friend at least does that.  I have ex's who are friends because they wanted to be.  I try to support them (remotely).  What would I do if a guy came along and started quizzing me about ex's, who wanted to be sure there were none in my life in any way, shape or form?  I'd have to say I was friends with some.  If the new partner insisted I cut contact with ex's, I would have to decline the new partner - not because the ex's mean more to me than him, but because the ex's are human too and I care about them.  I do not have to mistreat them just because we were not suited for a romantic relationship.

Anyway, something to think about.  Is it fair to assume you have had problems with ex's before?

Edited by spiderowl
IrinaM Established Member

IrinaM

Posted
Posted

BB, you will likely hear from him again.

This "man" is very manipulative, and he is manipulating you. He knows what it does when he blocks you, he knows you had more to say but he silenced you. Didn't he start the texting with you? so then you respond and he blocks you? he knows how that makes you feel.

Don't have any further contact with this loser! For your own good, when he contacts you again with some lame text, just don't answer. He sounds mentally unstable, verbally abusive, and extremely shady. Between the sexual misconduct allegations that were "only kissing" and the ex who he will dump in a heartbeat if you say the word, except he actually won't, where is this man's character and integrity?

Please don't kid yourself-he's not hurt that you dumped him. He's angry that you dumped him. Big difference.

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IrinaM Established Member

IrinaM

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Posted

BB, I'm also curious, this "client" that he "only kissed" -- was she a victim of a case he was working?

ExpatInItaly Established Member

ExpatInItaly

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Posted (edited)
7 hours ago, babybrowns said:

I just can’t believe how a man can just block someone whom he has spent time with in person on 3 fun and long dates, when she’s not knowingly done anything wrong, and been nothing but a good friend to him for 2 weeks? 

Because he's not that invested. 

3 dates is nothing in the grand scheme of things. You need to let go of the idea that this meant something deeper, and again, I would encourage you to examine why this keeps happening. Previous threads indicate that this a pattern with you - a few dates or a couple weeks of talking, and your're super into whatever guy, then he turns out to be a goof, says mean things to you...and you struggle to let go. 

6 hours ago, babybrowns said:

Blocking is an extreme reaction and is done when you can’t stand getting contacted by this person again. Typically if they have been nasty and abusive.

That might be true for you, but not necessarily for everyone else.

Edited by ExpatInItaly
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babybrowns Established Member

babybrowns

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6 hours ago, spiderowl said:

Regarding the ex, the fact that he asked you how you would feel on the first date suggests one of two things to me:

1) Having the ex in his life has been a problem before and other women have objected

2) She's more significant to him than he might realise and he wants to be sure she is staying in his life.

Neither seem very reassuring.  I don't think being friends with an ex should be forbidden or be a dealbreaker.  What kinds of people always hate their ex's or feel they should not care about them any more?  How do you feel about this guy suddenly shutting you off?  It hurts when someone you consider to be a friend at least does that.  I have ex's who are friends because they wanted to be.  I try to support them (remotely).  What would I do if a guy came along and started quizzing me about ex's, who wanted to be sure there were none in my life in any way, shape or form?  I'd have to say I was friends with some.  If the new partner insisted I cut contact with ex's, I would have to decline the new partner - not because the ex's mean more to me than him, but because the ex's are human too and I care about them.  I do not have to mistreat them just because we were not suited for a romantic relationship.

Anyway, something to think about.  Is it fair to assume you have had problems with ex's before?

Yes but this is a different scenario to just asking about someone’s relationship history. The guy initiated discussion on his ex himself on the first date, out of the blue. I didn’t ask. He wanted to bring her up.  And he wanted to check I am ok with it. I truthfully said I wouldn’t be, so those on here who are saying he might have felt played when I finally ended it because of her, no it is me who should feel played, since he had said he could end their association if I needed that to happen. He waited till after he got into my pants to say it wouldn’t actually happen.

The ex and the criminal case are 2 things he wanted to bring up early on to check I would still date him. He even said that he “had a backup plan to go visit his sister that day, should I leave our first date early after hearing these confessions”.

I do commend the fact that he is a frank and (atleast to an extent) open guy who doesn’t just hide things in order to get into someone’s pants. When you’re online dating, someone can hide everything under the sun about them and you wouldn’t know if you’ve never met them before and have no mutual friends or anything. But he chose to give me a clear(ish) picture and let me choose whether to proceed or not. And that gesture did soften the blows of the big confessions in a way; made me respect him for his honesty.

5 hours ago, IrinaM said:

BB, I'm also curious, this "client" that he "only kissed" -- was she a victim of a case he was working?

It was a woman whom the police were helping. The way he described it was, she was making flirty eyes at him and complimenting his physical appearance when they were officially on the job.
After the job was done and dusted, a few days later he found her on Facebook. Contacted her. They went for a drink and kissed, so he says was the extent of it.

As things were progressing, he felt morally obliged to end it because he was crossing the boundaries of his career too much. This upset her greatly, she must have felt used, so she threatened to hand him into the police unless he paid her a large sum of money. He then made the choice to hand himself in, got suspended and it all went from there.

He is awaiting being interviewed and all, and says that the maximum jail sentence for what he has done could be life imprisonment.

5 hours ago, IrinaM said:

BB, you will likely hear from him again.

This "man" is very manipulative, and he is manipulating you. He knows what it does when he blocks you, he knows you had more to say but he silenced you. Didn't he start the texting with you? so then you respond and he blocks you? he knows how that makes you feel.

Don't have any further contact with this loser! For your own good, when he contacts you again with some lame text, just don't answer. He sounds mentally unstable, verbally abusive, and extremely shady. Between the sexual misconduct allegations that were "only kissing" and the ex who he will dump in a heartbeat if you say the word, except he actually won't, where is this man's character and integrity?

Please don't kid yourself-he's not hurt that you dumped him. He's angry that you dumped him. Big difference.

Thank you this is very useful. As the days are passing, along with all the useful posts on here from members like yourself and everyone else, I don’t plan to reply if he does reach out. I’m just glad that it ended when it did; if his ex hadn’t been in the picture; talked about so much by him, I would still be in it. Getting more attached. We might even have had sex, and that might have brought its own dangers- he had even said to me the last time we met that he ‘likes to be dominant and do some asphyxiation’ during sex. I shudder to think if this could have played a part in his crime that he is downplaying.

I didn’t let him have sex with me when we were intimate even though we were getting close. He even said he “was impressed by my resistance to temptation”. I think that might even have caused a bit of narcissistic injury for him :laugh: 

His attitude towards me changed after that and that is when I brought up the “I really don’t feel comfortable with how your ex is in the picture, I can’t date you”. And he was happy to leave it there.

Edited by babybrowns
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ExpatInItaly Established Member

ExpatInItaly

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Posted
1 hour ago, babybrowns said:

says that the maximum jail sentence for what he has done could be life imprisonment.

Life imprisonment for a short-lived consensual, albeit inppropriate, fling? 

I don't think so. There is a lot this guy is leaving out. 

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balletomane Established Member

balletomane

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Posted
14 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Life imprisonment for a short-lived consensual, albeit inppropriate, fling? 

I don't think so. There is a lot this guy is leaving out. 

Definitely. BB, do you honestly believe that people get sentenced to life in prison for kissing someone in these circumstances? What you describe wouldn't even be a crime. It would be a violation of his employer's conduct policy (employers are allowed to set higher standards than those imposed by the law, which is why they can suspend people for things that don't meet the legal definition of a crime) but the fact that it's going to court means it was far more than that. He must have been accused of an actual offence under the law. What that offence is, he clearly hasn't told you, and he doesn't need to tell you for you to realise that he's bad news.

From your posts it's obvious that you're eager for him to unblock you and start talking again. I'm wondering if this thread is actually helping you, or if it's just encouraging you to obsess about him more. It isn't healthy for anyone you've had three dates with (even if they were perfect in every way!) to take up so much room in your mind. The problem here isn't this man's ex, or his intentions, or even his criminal charges - it's your pattern of falling too hard and too fast for men you don't know, to the exclusion of all rational judgement about what these men are actually like.

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