Jump to content

Seemingly keen guy cannot let go of his ex whom he 'has no romantic feelings for' Perspectives?

babybrowns

By babybrowns
in Dating

 Share
While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!

Recommended Posts

BaileyB Established Member

BaileyB

Posted
Posted
36 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Absolutely!

Did he stalk this other woman?
Did he become physically aggressive with her?
Did he use his position of authority to have sex with the woman?
Did he force himself on her? 

You need to know what he is accused of doing. For your own safety, you need to know. 

Sorry, that should say if you are considering the idea of continuing to date this man -

That said, I hope the concerns raised in this discussion will cause you to reconsider…

  • Thanks 1
Alpacalia Established Member

Alpacalia

Posted
Posted
2 hours ago, BaileyB said:

Absolutely!

Did he stalk this other woman?
Did he become physically aggressive with her?
Did he use his position of authority to have sex with the woman?
Did he force himself on her? 

You need to know what he is accused of doing. For your own safety, you need to know. 

I think the whole job suspension would be enough. I went on a first date with someone that said they were suspended from their job for workplace violence and I was like "okay, thanks and good luck!" lol

  • Like 4
  • Thanks 1
BaileyB Established Member

BaileyB

Posted
Posted (edited)
32 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

I think the whole job suspension would be enough. I went on a first date with someone that said they were suspended from their job for workplace violence and I was like "okay, thanks and good luck!" lol

It would be enough for me too. 

But, it is apparently not enough for BB. Her primary concern is whether he still has feelings for his ex - is it worth investing in this relationship, or will he go back to his ex and break her heart. 

That’s like focusing on whether the man who robbed a bank was alone or with another woman. The most important information being - he is a thief, a criminal!

Edited by BaileyB
  • Like 3
elaine567 Established Member

elaine567

Posted
Posted
On 8/20/2021 at 9:04 PM, babybrowns said:

I spoke with him about this last night, to which he responded “oh come on! As I said I have no romantic feelings for her and no intention in rekindling anything with her”. I responded that even so, I could not date a man who was still friends with his ex. He responded “Alright..” and that’s where things left off. We haven’t spoken since then, which feels odd since we have been texting very frequently and enthusiastically for the past 2 weeks, whole day and late into the night ever day. For all this to stop for an issue with his ex being around?

Nothing left to discuss here, he pulled the plug.
Pretty predictable since you fundamentally disagreed on a core issue i.e. his continued friendship with his ex.

  • Like 2
  • Author
babybrowns Established Member

babybrowns

Posted
  • Author
Posted (edited)

Hello all,

Thank you all for your posts, you are really helping me a lot to not get tempted back! A little earlier, the guy reached out to me to say thank you for the good times and that it was great getting to know me, wished me luck.

I replied thanking him back, and said that had it not been for his ex being around I might have continued (in truth it was the suspension as well but I didn’t say this to him since he’s suffering enough with it).

He replied that there’s really not that much to his friendship with his ex, that he “clearly overstated their friendship to me”. I said to him that whatever it is, it is important he has her around at this difficult time given their history and how she’s been there during the whole journey he’s been on since last year. I wished him luck. But I’m really upset that he’s gone and I miss him a lot :(

Edited by babybrowns
BaileyB Established Member

BaileyB

Posted
Posted (edited)
19 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

the guy reached out to me to say thank you for the good times and that it was great getting to know me, wished me luck.

The appropriate answer to a text like that is - “I wish the same for you.”

Quote

I’m really upset that he’s gone and I miss him a lot 

You’ve known the guy for two weeks and you’ve had three dates. This was not a relationship. 

There will be another man. Consider yourself lucky - I think you’ve dodged a bullet here.

Edited by BaileyB
  • Like 2
Alpacalia Established Member

Alpacalia

Posted
Posted
11 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

Hello all,

Thank you all for your posts, you are really helping me a lot to not get tempted back! A little earlier, the guy reached out to me to say thank you for the good times and that it was great getting to know me, wished me luck.

I replied thanking him back, and said that had it not been for his ex being around I might have continued (in truth it was the suspension as well but I didn’t say this to him since he’s suffering enough with it).

He replied that there’s really not that much to his friendship with his ex, that he “clearly overstated their friendship to me”. I said to him that whatever it is, it is important he has her around at this difficult time given their history and how she’s been there during the whole journey he’s been on since last year. I wished him luck. But I’m really upset that he’s gone and I miss him a lot :(

Good job babybrowns!

It must not have been easy.

On to a pint of your favorite ice cream and sappy love songs! 

  • Like 1
poppyfields Established Member

poppyfields

Posted
Posted (edited)

BB, just one last thought since it did appear you had a great connection and liked each other.

He assured you many times, she was only a friend and even said there was "not that much to it."

Could you not have at least given him the benefit of doubt and simply observed? 

If what you observed suggested or indicated their friendship was deeper than what he led you to believe, then dump.

But heck, you just started dating, how many dates, 1, 2, 3?

This seems like an impulsive decision based on something you fear might happen, versus what IS actually happening.

No one over the age of 25 goes into relationships with a "clean slate."

Ex's can remain just friends with no romantic feelings or intentions and ex's who did not remain friends can get back together.  And often do!

It's all a risk, never any guarantees. 

Just a thought, something to consider if you're open to it.

Ciao. 💛

 

Edited by poppyfields
  • Like 1
glows Established Member

glows

Posted
Posted

If you do not like him for any reason don’t see him again.

  • Like 1
Daisy-oliviaWentcher Established Member

Daisy-oliviaWentcher

Posted
Posted

This is like

⛳ Red flag, red flag, red flag, red flag etc...

I know that some people are okay with their S.O. being friends with their ex's but I also think , if you are saying  I have a problem with it, and they are IGNORING You, then that is a red flag all in itself. 

What if the ex girlfriend still has feelings for your new bf and she is unaware that he is seeing someone else? Where is his integrity? 

I think you deserve more! and you are still young enough to find better. Best of luck

xo

  • Like 2
ExpatInItaly Established Member

ExpatInItaly

Posted
Posted (edited)
7 hours ago, BaileyB said:

You’ve known the guy for two weeks and you’ve had three dates. This was not a relationship. 

This. 

Above all, BB, I think you need to work on these attachment issues. Going by past threads, this is a pattern for you. And it leads you to hang around men who are giving you an off feeling. 

 

Edited by ExpatInItaly
  • Like 1
  • Author
babybrowns Established Member

babybrowns

Posted
  • Author
Posted (edited)

Hello all,

Thank you again all of you for your insights. 

7 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

This. 

Above all, BB, I think you need to work on these attachment issues. Going by past threads, this is a pattern for you. And it leads you to hang around men who are giving you an off feeling. 

 

Whilst I have acknowledged already on here that I do get attached to people too quickly, we mustn’t forget that it was me who was trying to slow this man down.

After just one date, he was trying to build a false sense of closeness with me. He was future faking, saying he felt he had finally found someone after a 2-year search, telling his family and all. Texting me all the time and kept saying how much he was thinking about me and the good future with me that he envisions. To all of this I responded cordially but practically that it is nice to hear but that it is still early days.

After two dates, he asked me for exclusivity. 

After three dates, when we were intimate, that is when the ‘ex’ factor started to bother and concern me.

Last night, things finally came to a closed end. The guy took off what was clearly a mask he had been wearing all this time.
Sent me a tirade of abuse about how I was so silly to end it over his ex. He was rude, belittling and sarcastic. A very very different persona to the tender and loving one he had portrayed all this time.

I gently reminded him that he was the one who had brought his ex up and asked me how I felt about her being in his life on our first date. To this he responded with even more sarcasm “Haha well well well now who’s the one moving too fast huh? We hardly know each other, was it not your favourite phrase all this time BB? And you’re uncomfortable about my ex after just 3 dates? Loolll”

I sat through all his abuse and then simply responded, “What has happened to you? I’m not sure I recognise this man I am speaking with tonight. It is a very different one from the man I got to know and like” 

This must have struck a nerve since he then immediately blocked me on all platforms.

And that’s that! 

I am glad that I did see this nasty side to him since it has taken away more of my feelings for him. I find it very difficult to end things with someone I am fond of, and he has now helped with that.

I do hope though that things get better for him; he is in a lot of hot water and has sleepless nights thinking about his upcoming jail sentence which “could be life imprisonment”. If I managed to be a temporary comfort in his life even for a little while, that is a nice thought.

Thank you all for your help once again 💗


 

 

Edited by babybrowns
  • Like 2
ExpatInItaly Established Member

ExpatInItaly

Posted
Posted
32 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

he then immediately blocked me on all platforms.

And that’s that! 

At least he's gone. 

You know you can trust your instinct when someone seems off. 

  • Like 2
glows Established Member

glows

Posted
Posted
1 hour ago, babybrowns said:

Hello all,

Thank you again all of you for your insights. 

Whilst I have acknowledged already on here that I do get attached to people too quickly, we mustn’t forget that it was me who was trying to slow this man down.

After just one date, he was trying to build a false sense of closeness with me. He was future faking, saying he felt he had finally found someone after a 2-year search, telling his family and all. Texting me all the time and kept saying how much he was thinking about me and the good future with me that he envisions. To all of this I responded cordially but practically that it is nice to hear but that it is still early days.

After two dates, he asked me for exclusivity. 

After three dates, when we were intimate, that is when the ‘ex’ factor started to bother and concern me.

Last night, things finally came to a closed end. The guy took off what was clearly a mask he had been wearing all this time.
Sent me a tirade of abuse about how I was so silly to end it over his ex. He was rude, belittling and sarcastic. A very very different persona to the tender and loving one he had portrayed all this time.

I gently reminded him that he was the one who had brought his ex up and asked me how I felt about her being in his life on our first date. To this he responded with even more sarcasm “Haha well well well now who’s the one moving too fast huh? We hardly know each other, was it not your favourite phrase all this time BB? And you’re uncomfortable about my ex after just 3 dates? Loolll”

I sat through all his abuse and then simply responded, “What has happened to you? I’m not sure I recognise this man I am speaking with tonight. It is a very different one from the man I got to know and like” 

This must have struck a nerve since he then immediately blocked me on all platforms.

And that’s that! 

I am glad that I did see this nasty side to him since it has taken away more of my feelings for him. I find it very difficult to end things with someone I am fond of, and he has now helped with that.

I do hope though that things get better for him; he is in a lot of hot water and has sleepless nights thinking about his upcoming jail sentence which “could be life imprisonment”. If I managed to be a temporary comfort in his life even for a little while, that is a nice thought.

Thank you all for your help once again 💗


 

 

Disgusting. I think most people could see this coming from miles away. I don’t think it’s because of his potential jail sentence that he’s abusive and belittling. It’s because he IS abusive and unstable that those other events are ensuing.

Always trust your instincts. I hope you also block and delete this person from your contacts. It’s a lesson learned about serious red flags.  

  • Like 2
  • Thanks 1
BaileyB Established Member

BaileyB

Posted
Posted
1 minute ago, glows said:

Disgusting. I think most people could see this coming from miles away. I don’t think it’s because of his potential jail sentence that he’s abusive and belittling. It’s because he IS abusive and unstable that those other events are ensuing.

Always trust your instincts. I hope you also block and delete this person from your contacts. It’s a lesson learned about serious red flags.  

He will get the benefit of the doubt in the legal system, innocent until proven guilty. 

As a potential relationship partner, it is important to heed concerning red flags when you find them. 

  • Like 6
poppyfields Established Member

poppyfields

Posted
Posted (edited)

BB, first off apologies for my somewhat harsh post yesterday re "innocent until proven guilty" (that has since been deleted, thankfully!), I was in a bad place. :classic_sad:

Second, given this new information, you made the right decision, bullet dodged!!

And agree it's a great opportunity to reflect w/r/t how attached you become so early in when you like a man.

Also, when a man moves too fast, texts every day, several times a day, future faking, you can slow him down, you don't have to go along with his agenda 

If he goes off on you for wanting a slower pace (like he just did) say goodbye.  Next. That was just insane!   Makes you think there might be something to the charges after all wow.

And re the ex, well, all I will say is that everyone has a past.  Filled with ex's, past loves , etc. 

If a couple can remain friends after the romance ends, imo that leans more towards there are no romantic feelings because when there are still feelings, it's very difficult to be "just" friends. JMO about that. 

But I do understand how you feel cause I used to feel that way too until I became friends with one of my ex's, 

My final thought is everything happens for a reason!  Your gut sensed something was off and you listened!  And your were right. 

Best to you BB.  💛

 

Edited by poppyfields
  • Thanks 1
  • Author
babybrowns Established Member

babybrowns

Posted
  • Author
Posted (edited)

Thank you everyone for your posts once again. I know it sounds crazy but despite his big red flags, I do miss this guy a lot. He just ticked a lot of boxes for me that my long term ex-partner who I’ve struggled getting over, did not.

He was super affectionate, he could read me better than my ex could, he had better connection with me. It was all this that would make us talk late into the night, every day…with excitement and never getting bored, until I said I had to go to sleep so goodnight. I’ve never felt so connected and excited to interact with a guy before, from morning till night. Not to mention that when we kissed and hugged it was magical.

He also said that it was a rare thing for him to get so excited over a girl, that he never wanted a second date with anyone these past 2 years of being single and going on “countless dates”, that he was so excited about me and to have “finally met someone he was interested in”.

Given it all, I am finding it a bit quizzical how the man could just drop me like a piece of garbage. With so much abuse, after I didn’t do much wrong other than express concerns over his ex. Blocking me on every platform. Like how can he just go from being so keen to that, seemingly over so little? 

I don’t know if he will unblock me  but at this point after seeing his abusive side I have been turned off. I have been there for him as a great friend these 2 weeks, supporting him through this difficult time, reminding him of his worth and keeping his spirits high. I really didn’t deserve the belligerent episode from him last night. 

 

 

Edited by babybrowns
  • Like 2
smackie9 Established Member

smackie9

Posted
Posted

That's his game...he love bombs, showers women with affection...saying all the right things, glazes over his short comings....see the pattern? Gets you emotionally hooked, then lightly leaks the bad stuff . He's a manipulator. And I know some may disagree, but there's evidence there that he's a bit of a narsist. He wants to win, get what he wants, doesn't play by the rules, thinks he can get away with anything, and if he gets dumped, or criticized, he strongly lashes out in order to manipulate you more...hoping you will feel bad/guilty ,say he's right and you are wrong. Sorry he's a wolf in sheep's clothing. Guys like him take on careers that give them authority. I sure as hell wouldn't want to be the one who pulled me over.

  • Like 2
  • Thanks 1
poppyfields Established Member

poppyfields

Posted
Posted (edited)

BB, everyone reacts differently to rejection.  Some handle well, others not so much. 

In his mind, you rejected him by announcing you don't date men with ex's.

That's it, done, you rejected him.

He most likely felt the same connection you did; I mean that's what "connection" means, TWO people linked together, mentally, emotionally.

My guess is he feels HURT.  And when people feel hurt, they sometimes lash out, harshly.

I have done it myself.  

He also might have thought you were using the ex as an excuse to dump him, since he told you there are no feelings and it's not that huge a deal.

He has a completely different mindset from you about it. So HE might have played.

I'm simply playing devil's advocate and speculating, it still doesn't excuse his harshness but gives some insight into how he might be feeling and why he lashed out.

I'm sorry it didnt work out BB.

 

 

Edited by poppyfields
  • Like 1
  • Thanks 1
Miss Spider Established Member

Miss Spider

Posted
Posted (edited)

 You gave him a pretty reasonable request and  he even agreed that it was reasonable. I didn’t really see it as really a rejection, more that you felt threatened by their relationship because you liked him and didn’t know how he felt.  Tbh, I think if he were very interested , 99% sure he would have agreed or at least said he would. Could be his reaction was more a principle thing..”lol a girl Im just talking to thinks she can tell me who to talk to. Bye” There are some stubborn like that who account for the 1% 

 

Could be anything though. Try not to think so much about people’s motives and just move forward. You may never fully understand it; but at least you found out sooner than later you aren’t compatible. 

Edited by Cookiesandough
  • Like 3
poppyfields Established Member

poppyfields

Posted
Posted

HE may have viewed it as a rejection.

Based on his reaction, initially and then this latest lash out, that's what it sounds like to me anyway.

But who the hell knows. 

It's over and done, life goes on.

 

  • Like 1
stillafool Established Member

stillafool

Posted
Posted
40 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

That's his game...he love bombs, showers women with affection...saying all the right things, glazes over his short comings....see the pattern? Gets you emotionally hooked, then lightly leaks the bad stuff . He's a manipulator. And I know some may disagree, but there's evidence there that he's a bit of a narsist. He wants to win, get what he wants, doesn't play by the rules, thinks he can get away with anything, and if he gets dumped, or criticized, he strongly lashes out in order to manipulate you more...hoping you will feel bad/guilty ,say he's right and you are wrong. Sorry he's a wolf in sheep's clothing. Guys like him take on careers that give them authority. I sure as hell wouldn't want to be the one who pulled me over.

I agree with you Smackie and unfortunately these types of guys are never short of women who want to be with them.  Sad.

  • Like 3
balletomane Established Member

balletomane

Posted
Posted
1 hour ago, babybrowns said:

Thank you everyone for your posts once again. I know it sounds crazy but despite his big red flags, I do miss this guy a lot. He just ticked a lot of boxes for me that my long term ex-partner who I’ve struggled getting over, did not.

Babybrowns, pause for a moment here.

How can you possibly know this man ticked a lot of boxes? You only met three times. Even though you spent hours together, that's not enough to form a judgement - in fact, it will cloud your judgement, because at the beginning everything feels heady and new. The truth is that you barely knew him. You hadn't even spent the equivalent of one full day together. Anyone will seem like a good thing for fifteen hours, especially to someone who is prone to getting over-attached very quickly, as you know you are.

The other concerning thing here is that despite all the warning signs, you only stopped interacting with him because he blocked you. If you'd really ruled out a relationship with him, you would have just stopped talking to him. This thread shows you do have some insight into yourself and your relationship patterns, but you certainly weren't acting on it, and now you're mourning over a friendship that didn't exist in any meaningful sense. Chatting to someone for two weeks isn't a friendship, even if - especially if - they're leaning on you for emotional support over their prospective criminal conviction. That's oversharing and it's another sign of an unhealthy situation. You seem to be treating it as the opposite.

  • Like 3
  • Thanks 2
Miss Spider Established Member

Miss Spider

Posted
Posted (edited)

Just a reminder he lost his job due to inappropriate behavior..,. 

Edited by Cookiesandough
  • Like 2
poppyfields Established Member

poppyfields

Posted
Posted
12 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

Just a reminder he lost his job due to inappropriate behavior..,. 

"Alleged" inappropriate behaviour.  😄

Nothing has been proven yet, was he actually arrested?  Is he out on bail?

Is a trial scheduled?

Not that any of this matters now, it's over and done. 

Lesson learned, next.

  • Like 1
  • Thanks 1
 Share
Go to topic listing
×
×
  • Create New...