Seemingly keen guy cannot let go of his ex whom he 'has no romantic feelings for' Perspectives?

[poppyfields]

16 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

It was also unfair and misleading of him to talk about the ease of ending the friendship with her on our first date, should I not be comfortable with it. From how his interest waned yesterday after we got physically intimate for the first time, combined with him displaying his reluctance to lose her, I do feel played, misguided and used there. I think he tried to pull the wool over my eyes on our early dates, saying he could stop talking to this woman easily, until he gained access to my body. At this point he didn’t need to put on quite a facade about it anymore and was happy for things to end there. A cr**py feeling! 

Okay fair enough.  So why do you miss him again?  You should be jumping for joy that you figured all this out after only two weeks and before you became sexually intimate, since you now believe that's all he wanted.   Whew!

[poppyfields]

7 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Okay fair enough.  So why do you miss him again?  You should be jumping for joy that you figured all this out after only two weeks and before you became sexually intimate, since you now believe that's all he wanted.   Whew!

If I may ask, what is it about this ex that you feel so threatened by?   Do you believe he is lying when he says she is only a friend and that he may still be in love with her?

I am friends with one of my ex's and we had great sex too!   But he was not "it" for me and I ended it.

But he's a good friend, he helped me out when I was very sick a couple of years ago, I have absolutely zero interest in him romantically, nor him in me anymore.   He has a new girlfriend.

The man I recently broke up with (see my recent thread) was aware of our friendship and had NO problem with it whatsoever.

In fact, eventually he may have met him, they might have even become friends themselves.

What bothers you about it?  No judgment, just curious.

 

Edited August 20, 2021 by poppyfields

[babybrowns]

1 minute ago, poppyfields said:

If I may ask, what is it about this ex that you feel so threatened by?   Do you believe he is lying when he says she is only a friend and that he may still be in love with her?

I am friends with one of my ex's and we had great sex too!   But he was not "it" for me and I ended it.

But he's a good friend, he helped me out when I was very sick a couple of years ago, I have absolutely zero interest in him romantically.

 

And that’s your choice completely. You know yourself and you know that there’s nothing there. But other people dating you might not like it and that’s their personal choice and feelings too. Personally I don’t feel comfortable getting close to a man when there is another woman he meets up with whom he was in a relationship with, and I think many others would feel the same there.

 

[poppyfields]

13 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

And that’s your choice completely. You know yourself and you know that there’s nothing there. But other people dating you might not like it and that’s their personal choice and feelings too. Personally I don’t feel comfortable getting close to a man when there is another woman he meets up with whom he was in a relationship with, and I think many others would feel the same there.

 

I just edited my post.   I just broke up with a man who had absolutely no problem with it whatsoever.

But of course, your choice, you're not alone.  In fact, I used to feel same as you.

I didn't know why, I think it was "society" that put those thoughts in my head because logically it didn't make much sense to me that just because two people once dated, that's it's somehow "wrong" for them to become friends after the romance ended.

I mean I know couples who were married for YEARS who became good friends after the divorce.  Seriously, just friends.  

But again, your choice, bb, just curious what your reasons were other than "I don't feel comfortable with it."

Edited August 21, 2021 by poppyfields

[babybrowns]

11 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

I just edited my post.   I just broke up with a man who had absolutely no problem with it whatsoever.

But of course, your choice, you're not alone.  In fact, I used to feel same as you.

I didn't know why, I think it was "society" that put those thoughts in my head because logically it didn't make much sense to me that just because two people once dated, that's it's somehow "wrong" for them to become friends after the romance ended.

I mean I know couples who were married for YEARS who became good friends after the divorce.  Seriously, just friends.  

But again, your choice, bb, just curious to what your reasons were other than "I don't feel comfortable with it."

I think the reason some people including myself don’t settle for it is that it stems from the fact that: they were once attracted to them, they might well have those thoughts again from time to time. They might imagine them naked when they have a nice dress on one day or whatever. But now that we are in their lives and giving ourselves to them wholeheartedly, we want them to do the same. We don’t want to run the risk of their mind not being 100% with us even if their body is.
It’s especially not comfortable  or motivating for a new relationship conquest who wants to know you’re the real deal and going into it with 100% as they are. I’m not sure you’d feel ok with a man you’re into who is regularly meeting up with a woman he’d given a lot of pleasure to (and got pleasure from) in the past!

Edited August 21, 2021 by babybrowns

[poppyfields]

13 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

I think the reason some people including myself don’t settle for it is that it stems from the fact that: they were once attracted to them, they might well have those thoughts again from time to time. They might imagine them naked when they have a nice dress on one day or whatever. But now that we are in their lives and giving ourselves to them wholeheartedly, we want them to do the same. We don’t want to run the risk of their mind not being 100% with us even if their body is.

So do you believe that when in a relationship, your partner should not ever feel attracted to another woman or find another woman sexy?  Whether that person is an ex or some other woman?

That sounds totally unrealistic to me.   

It's perfectly natural imo to feel attractions for others even while in a long term committed relationship, what's important is that they don't act on it, they are committed to you and they value that.

But it's human nature to find others attractive and sexy, and to even harbor random sexual thoughts from time to time, that person does NOT have to be an ex necessarily.

No person's thoughts are going to be 100% with their partner 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days of the year. 

Again totally unrealistic imo.  It also sounds quite rigid and stifling.

But I respect your feelings about it, and wish you luck.  I hope someday you are able to find a man who can fulfill that need/requirement for you. 

 

 

Edited August 21, 2021 by poppyfields

[babybrowns]

7 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

So do you believe that when in a relationship, your partner should not ever feel attracted to another woman or find another woman sexy?  Whether that person is an ex or some other woman?

That sounds totally unrealistic to me.   

It's perfectly natural imo to feel attractions for others even while in a long term committed relationship, what's important is that they don't act on it, they are committed to you and they value that.

But it's human nature to find others attractive and sexy, and to even harbor random sexual thoughts from time to time, that person does NOT have to be an ex necessarily.

No person's thoughts are going to be 100% with their partner 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days of the year. 

Again totally unrealistic imo.

But I respect your feelings about it, and wish you luck.  I hope you are able to find a man who can fulfill that need for you.

 

 

It’s not the same thing as finding other strangers attractive. This is an ex partner, with whom you shared intimate moments, physically and emotionally. Those memories and underlying current of them are always going to be there if you still have that person around, as will random flashbacks when talking to them whether we like it or not. It is not fair on a new conquest who has chosen to leave all that behind and give you their 100%. Personally I feel that there should be consistency on both sides: either both parties do have old flames hanging around or both parties don’t. The most important thing is to prioritise each others’ feelings on the matter.

Thanks for the luck

Edited August 21, 2021 by babybrowns

[poppyfields]

12 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

Depends on whether both parties are on the same page as each other with that too though, like if they both have ex flames in their lives. 

This^ I agree with!   And I guess in your situation, you and your new guy are not on the same page which is okay, it just means you are not compatible, despite the attraction.

It's a shame though that they (or in this case you and your bf) weren't able to reach an understanding, but it's not uncommon.  People typically feel quite strongly one way or the other. 

In fact, I have been tossed some really cheap shots because of my views on being friends with my ex.  On this forum even!  That I am a "bad" girlfriend, my boyfriend should dump me, etc.   Some really nasty stuff.

Anyway, I'm sorry it didn't work out bb. 

Edited August 21, 2021 by poppyfields

[Miss Spider]

I agree with you completely on the bolded, but add that don’t you think it depends on who dumped who also? If he dumped her it might be different because it’s possible he lost those romantic/sexual feelings at some point. If she dumped him and he said they were friends, no way in h*ll ( for me) haha. I really think it would only take the right opportunity and setting for those not so friendly feelings to return. ( also I’ve seen it w exes… they hold the torch even if they agree to be friends) So I’m with you on that, but if people are cool w it , good on them 

 

9 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

It’s not the same thing as finding other strangers attractive. This is an ex partner, with whom you shared intimate moments, physically and emotionally. Those memories are always going to be there if you have that person around, as will random flashbacks whether we like it or not. It is not fair on a new conquest who has chosen to leave all that behind and give you their 100%. Depends on whether both parties are on the same page as each other with that too though, like if they both have ex flames in their lives or if they don’t. 

Thanks for the luck

 

Edited August 21, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[ExpatInItaly]

Way too many Nays with this guy:

-too close to his ex, which you say is a dealbreaker 

-future-faking after just 3 dates

-is in serious trouble with the law, and could face jail time 

Don't let your ego and desire to be loved stand in the way of making good choices here, BB. It feels good to have someone pay a lot of attention to you and be really into you (though given that he barely knows you, he's running on lust here), but it's not worth it when the person is wearing more red flags than the People's Republic of China. Find someone else who is not this problematic. 

Edited August 21, 2021 by ExpatInItaly

[balletomane]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

-is in serious trouble with the law, and could face jail time 

I'm astonished that BB seems more worried about the ex than about this, especially as she says the guy appears to be trying to downplay the crime.

I'm not saying people should never consider dating anyone with a criminal record, but at the very least, they need to have served their punishment, be truthful and remorseful about what they did, and have actively worked to build a good life in the aftermath. None of these things are true in this man's case. It's irrelevant what he thinks of his ex - the criminal proceedings and prospective jail time should be enough to firmly rule him out as a dating option.

[ExpatInItaly]

4 minutes ago, balletomane said:

I'm astonished that BB seems more worried about the ex than about this, especially as she says the guy appears to be trying to downplay the crime

Me too. 

That would be a total delabreaker for me. 

[babybrowns]

Yea I’ve just never encountered this situation before where a man I am dating is in trouble with the law. I know it’s not ideal for starting anything! He had even said he had been very nervous about telling me, and was half certain I would walk off in the middle of our first date before he confessed. But I was happy to finish the date properly and expressed sympathy towards his situation.

It is also that before I met him I was not sure that I do want anything long-term right now with anyone but rather just some light-hearted fun, hence it wasn’t all that much of a dealbreaker with me. Here was this hot guy who I was enjoying myself with a lot. But I couldn’t keep enjoying myself knowing that there’s another woman in his life.

Edited August 21, 2021 by babybrowns

[Gaeta]

3 hours ago, babybrowns said:

Yea I’ve just never encountered this situation before where a man I am dating is in trouble with the law. I know it’s not ideal for starting anything! He had even said he had been very nervous about telling me, and was half certain I would walk off in the middle of our first date before he confessed. But I was happy to finish the date properly and expressed sympathy towards his situation.

At the beginning you didn't care but now is  now and you're stuck with this. This man lacked personal and professional judgement, he may end up in jail, if so he will never be able to work in law enforcement again, he'll have a criminal record and life will become very very complicated. It's not true that love conquers it all. 

[elaine567]

This was not the usual "friends with the ex", this man had a serious life crisis and his ex stood by him and supported him through it. It is still ongoing.
He is not going to reward her loyalty and friendship, by ditching her in favour of some woman he hardly knows and who won't even have sex with him...
If you have non negotiable deal breakers then you cannot expect others to pander to your requests.
He said "Fair enough, Bye, Bye" which he was quite entitled to do.
What was he supposed to do, continuously fight with you about it?

You: Ditch your ex...
Him: No.
You: Ditch your ex...
Him: NO.
You: Ditch your ex...
Him: NO. F. off

...ad infinitum

[BaileyB]

17 hours ago, babybrowns said:

When I got home though, I did feel uncomfortable that I had been intimate with someone who still had their ex as a relatively big part of their life.

This is what you are worried most about - his ex? 

17 hours ago, babybrowns said:

He is currently suspended from work as a police officer, where he has worked for almost 10 years, for an inappropriate relationship with a client. He is even facing a potential jail sentence for this, and his friends in the police have also stopped talking to him.

This isn’t a big red flag, it would be an absolute deal breaker for me.

[BaileyB]

5 hours ago, babybrowns said:

Yea I’ve just never encountered this situation before where a man I am dating is in trouble with the law. I know it’s not ideal for starting anything!

It is also that before I met him I was not sure that I do want anything long-term right now with anyone but rather just some light-hearted fun, hence it wasn’t all that much of a dealbreaker with me. Here was this hot guy who I was enjoying myself with a lot. But I couldn’t keep enjoying myself knowing that there’s another woman in his life.

If the fact that he does not respect boundaries, behaved inappropriately with a woman, lacked professional judgment and lost his job, and could spend time in jail - giving him a criminal record and affecting future employment options isn’t a deal breaker for you… I’d like to know what you consider to be a dealbreaker. 

This is a really concerning situation… again, poor boundaries and minimizing what should be an absolute deal breaker - depending on what he has been accused of doing, you could put yourself at risk with this man. And, I fear, you are unclear about your intentions/expectations - you say you want some short term, light hearted fun but he is thinking this could become serious and you are placing expectations on him as a serious girlfriend would. 

Edited August 21, 2021 by BaileyB

[babybrowns]

51 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

If the fact that he does not respect boundaries, behaved inappropriately with a woman, lacked professional judgment and lost his job, and could spend time in jail - giving him a criminal record and affecting future employment options isn’t a deal breaker for you… I’d like to know what you consider to be a dealbreaker. 

This is a really concerning situation… again, poor boundaries and minimizing what should be an absolute deal breaker - depending on what he has been accused of doing, you could put yourself at risk with this man. And, I fear, you are unclear about your intentions/expectations - you say you want some short term, light hearted fun but he is thinking this could become serious and you are placing expectations on him as a serious girlfriend would. 

You are very right, Bailey. It is just my pechant for getting too attached to people way too fast! I am glad though that I did not have sex with him when we got intimate; this would really have made me get so attached that I would be chasing after him by now.

Yes he made it clear from the start with me that he is after something long-term and to build something substantial with someone. It is why he wanted to get the ‘big confessions’ out the way so early on our first date. I do commend his frankness despite them being dealbreakers.

But it is true that I cannot have something long-term with him given the situation. I was open to the possibility of getting to know him since we did have good connection and good times together. I’ve just never really enjoyed myself so much with someone in the way I did with him. My long-term ex for example was not a very affectionate man, but this man is very affectionate and it showed me what I had been missing before and how nice it felt. 

If he does get in touch with me again, i am still at the stage where I will get tempted to go back, but just for the short term. If this is really it though and he doesn’t contact me again, I will eventually block his number, I’m just not ready to do that yet. It is a shame since we both do feel this connection and strong wish to spend time together. But clearly his history with his ex and fondness for her is strong enough to override his new romantic connections.

[Alpacalia]

When you date someone who is still close to their ex, it's almost as if you're dating both of them.

The other, and more serious, concern is the job suspension.

What makes you believe he won't have poor boundaries with his ex, "friend," if he has poor boundaries with a client?

Edited August 21, 2021 by Alpaca

[introverted1]

The guy has been suspended for misconduct severe enough to potentially warrant jail time and you're worried about his friendship with an ex?

[HadMeOverABarrel]

I just wanted to post that I think you're taking a very balanced, level-headed approach to this. Good on you to reach out for others' perspectives here. Lots of good advice from others. You got this. 

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, babybrowns said:

Yes he made it clear from the start with me that he is after something long-term and to build something substantial with someone. It is why he wanted to get the ‘big confessions’ out the way so early on our first date.

Long term may not be a possibility for him. It’s like someone looking for a serious, long term relationship when they know there is a good chance they will be transferred overseas in a few months. One must be realistic - and, this is not a fair thing to ask of another person. Most anyone who learned this information in the first few dates would say thanks, but no thanks. 

1 hour ago, babybrowns said:

i am still at the stage where I will get tempted to go back, but just for the short term.

If you want to try and have a casual relationship with a potential criminal who has lost his job and whatever he did was so agregious that his coworkers/friends have dissociated themselves from him… that’s your choice.

Those aren’t just red flags, it is barricade with flashing lights and a sign that says “Danger ahead!” You need to know exactly what the charges are so that I could determine the risk to your personal safety and well-being - and he should not be the source of information. 

Here you are again BB - saying you want one thing and meaning another. Have you ever been able to have a short term, casual relationship with a man? But here you are, potentially keeping a man with OBVIOUS red flags around because you enjoy spending time with him. I’m sorry, but you are FAR too trusting for your own good…

Where do you find these men? 

Edited August 21, 2021 by BaileyB

[glows]

He has a track record of misconduct so tread carefully. You’re much better off deleting and blocking his number. Do you usually seek these types of people or find them thrilling/interesting?  

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, Alpaca said:

What makes you believe he won't have poor boundaries with his ex, "friend," if he has poor boundaries with a client?

Absolutely!

Did he stalk this other woman?
Did he become physically aggressive with her?
Did he use his position of authority to have sex with the woman?
Did he force himself on her? 

You need to know what he is accused of doing. For your own safety, you need to know. 

[ExpatInItaly]

This guy would completely creep me out, honestly.