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Seemingly keen guy cannot let go of his ex whom he 'has no romantic feelings for' Perspectives?

babybrowns

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babybrowns Established Member

babybrowns

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Hello all,

I recently met a guy online. I’m a 31 yo female, he’s 33. We have now met 3 times, each time spending 5 hours together since we live 3 hours apart. Our dates have been really fun, there is great conversation, chemistry and attraction between us. He has also put a lot of effort into things so far.

From the start, he made his interest in me very clear. And having experienced countless guys in my past who were only after something casual, this guy did not appear to be one of those. He also said to me that he has been on numerous dates these last few years but seldom met a girl he wanted a second date with, and he got so excited about me that he even told his sister he “has finally seemed to have met someone he is interested in”.

He has at times been a little too forward with me though, doing some ‘future faking’ and similar things with me. I did jokingly remind him at these times to slow down, that we hardly know each other that well yet, but he wouldn’t stop and would simply then put the caveat “I know what you’re gonna say to this but..” when he kept doing it.

A red flag I would like to bring up from the first date; on the first date he told me that he is friends with his ex. He said he was the one who ended things with her though, 2 years ago, since he “didn’t feel any sexual chemistry with her”. When he first left her, she tried for months to get him back. Then she gave up and they didn’t speak for a while. But last year, she got in touch with him again during what was a very difficult time for him and gave him a shoulder to cry on. Thus they got talking again. They also meet up often.

On this first date with me, he was a little forward and asked me that should something romantic and serious blossom between us down the line, would his friendship with her be a dealbreaker? To which I was affirmative that it would be. He then said he could try to end association with her down the line if things were to get serious between us, but that I would have ‘nothing to worry about because he really has no feelings for her. They are strictly friends and they both know it wouldn’t work between them anyway’.

I would like to share details too on what was the difficult time he went through last year, which is another red flag. He is currently suspended from work as a police officer, where he has worked for almost 10 years, for an inappropriate relationship with a client. He is even facing a potential jail sentence for this, and his friends in the police have also stopped talking to him. He is being a little shady with me about what exactly happened with this client he was inappropriate with, claiming that he and this person “only kissed and that’s it”, which seems a little too small a crime for the potential consequences he has described.

His ex contacted him during this particularly difficult time last year when things were pretty bad for him and was there for him as a good friend.

Yesterday was the last time that this guy and I met, and we both wanted to act on the strong attraction we had for each other and got a little intimate for the first time. We didn’t have full sexual intercourse though; he wanted us to in the middle of our intimacy but I said it was too early for me to do that with someone on the 3rd date. When I got home though, I did feel uncomfortable that I had been intimate with someone who still had their ex as a relatively big part of their life.

I spoke with him about this last night, to which he responded “oh come on! As I said I have no romantic feelings for her and no intention in rekindling anything with her”. I responded that even so, I could not date a man who was still friends with his ex. He responded “Alright..” and that’s where things left off. We haven’t spoken since then, which feels odd since we have been texting very frequently and enthusiastically for the past 2 weeks, whole day and late into the night ever day. For all this to stop for an issue with his ex being around?

I am left feeling a bit confused. For the level of enthusiasm that this guy showed me, how was it so supposedly easy for this guy to let all this end abruptly last night when I expressed concerns about his ex? And why should her presence in his life be so important to her if as he says, he harbours no romantic feelings for her? Could it be something to do with his suspension from work, could he be using her affection for him as some personal benefit?

Or more simply, did he just lose interest in me after achieving a form of physical intimacy with me yesterday? Which again plays against the standard bad boys I’ve encountered in the past, even those who’ve pretended to have had good intentions before revealing their hidden agendas. This guy seemed to be very different to them.

Would really appreciate perspectives on this. Thank you in advance for your insights :)

Edited by babybrowns
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stillafool Established Member

stillafool

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3 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

A red flag I would like to bring up from the first date; on the first date he told me that he is friends with his ex. He said he was the one who ended things with her though, 2 years ago, since he “didn’t feel any sexual chemistry with her”. When he first left her, she tried for months to get him back. Then she gave up and they didn’t speak for a while. But last year, she got in touch with him again during what was a very difficult time for him and gave him a shoulder to cry on. Thus they got talking again. They also meet up often.

This was too much info to give about a 2 year ago ex on a first date.  She means more to him than he revealed and that is why he was glad to end it if you weren't on board with their so called "friendship".

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Miss Spider Established Member

Miss Spider

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37 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

suspended from work as a police officer 

even facing a potential jail sentence 

we live 3 hours about 

 

And bye lol 

 

But yea he’s been on 3 dates with you and not keen enough to start letting you tell him who he can be friends with I guess 

Edited by Cookiesandough
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Wiseman2 Established Member

Wiseman2

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Few red flags🚩:

 Too much distance. Talks about ex too much. Wants a love triangle.

Cut your losses. Run.👟👟

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babybrowns Established Member

babybrowns

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20 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

And bye lol 

 

But yea he’s been on 3 dates with you and not keen enough to start letting you tell him who he can be friends with I guess 

It is important for us to remember here that he is the one who initiated discussion on this from the first date onwards: how do I feel about him having his ex in his life?

And important to say that I have been very careful in how I have expressed my concerns. I emphasised that it is “completely his choice who he has in his life, but that it is my choice as to whether I participate in it or not”. I used these same words again yesterday, at which point I said I cannot proceed anymore since I cannot be intimate with a man who still associates with his ex as much as he does.

And he let it go as easily as that, when on our first date he had given the false notion that should this other woman be an issue he would be happy to end that friendship (without me even asking this of him). 

Edited by babybrowns
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Miss Spider Established Member

Miss Spider

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To me he’s not as keen as you thought. He’s basically saying “alright, then walk.. but I’m not going to stop talking to her” and provided you live 3 hours a way I don’t blame him for not seeing it a srs prospect 

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poppyfields Established Member

poppyfields

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54 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

"As I said I have no romantic feelings for her and no intention in rekindling anything with her”. I responded that even so "I could not date a man who was still friends with his ex.  He responded “Alright..” and that’s where things left off. We haven’t spoken since then, which feels odd since we have been texting very frequently and enthusiastically for the past 2 weeks, whole day and late into the night ever day. For all this to stop for an issue with his ex being around?

@babybrowns, I am confused.  Notwithstanding the other issues besides his ex (i.e. allegations of sexual misconduct toward a client), YOU are the one who told him you could not date a man still friends with his ex!

So not sure why you are so surprised he has stopped contact.  You made it very clear you cannot date him.  He is respecting your wishes.

Let it go.  There will be others who suit you better, who are not still friends with their ex's.

Edited by poppyfields
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babybrowns Established Member

babybrowns

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10 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

@babybrowns, I am confused.  Notwithstanding the other issues besides his ex (i.e. allegations of sexual misconduct toward a client), YOU are the one who told him you could not date a man still friends with his ex!

So not sure why you are so surprised he has stopped contact.  You made it very clear you cannot date him.  He is respecting your wishes.

Let it go.  There will be others who suit you better, who are not still friends with their ex's.

Yes, but my confusion is that when he did initiate this discussion on date #1, and I told him I wouldn’t be comfortable with it, he was fine and reassuring about that.

I had even said to him at the time that I wouldn’t think it would be that easy for him to end a friendship with someone so important to him? To which he had said “nah wouldn’t be too hard, like a 3 or 4 out of 10 on the difficulty level”.

It is almost as if he said that just to get some intimacy out of me at which point he could forget me and go back to hanging out with her. 🤨

Edited by babybrowns
poppyfields Established Member

poppyfields

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13 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

To me he’s not as keen as you thought. He’s basically saying “alright, then walk.. but I’m not going to stop talking to her” 

Yeah but couldn't he say the same about her?  Not as keen as HE thought?

Remember, she flat out told him she could not date a man who is still friends with his ex, which is him since he is still friends with his ex.

So in his eyes, he's thinking, how keen could SHE be?   To be able to walk away from a man just because he maintains a friendship with his ex?

There are two ways of looking at it.  She expects him to stop talking to his ex, and he expects her to be okay with him being friends with his ex.

They're not compatible, next.

 

Edited by poppyfields
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poppyfields Established Member

poppyfields

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5 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

Yes, but my confusion is that when he did initiate this discussion on date #1, and I told him I wouldn’t be comfortable with it, he was fine and reassuring about that.
It is almost as if he said that just to get some intimacy out of me at which point he could forget me and go back to hanging out with her. 🤨

Oh I don't know.  That's always where everyone goes though, isn't it.  He only wanted sex.

I wasn't there, I don't know the tone in which you told him you don't date men still friends with their ex's.   My mom always told me "it's not what you say, but how you say it."

Something about it turned him off though, could be he found you too controlling or rigid, it's still very early stages.

He is within his rights to no longer be interested and cookies may have a point about the 3 hour distance - just not worth it.

 

Edited by poppyfields
Miss Spider Established Member

Miss Spider

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8 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Yeah but couldn't he say the same about her?  Not as keen as HE thought?

Remember, she flat out told him she could not date a man who is still friends with his ex, which is him since he is still friends with his ex.

So in his eyes, he's thinking, how keen could SHE be?   To be able to walk away from a man just because he maintains a friendship with his ex?

There are two ways of looking at it.  She expects him to stop talking to his ex, and he expects her to be okay with him being friends with his ex.

They're not compatible, next.

 

I think if he were really keen when choosing between an ex or new love interest would choose the love interest. Especially considering he said he understood why she wasn’t comfortable with it and it would be like super easy for him to do

 

Agree he prob just wanted a fling due to the distance. 
 

my only question about this is why not just lie about it. “Yeah, I’m totally done talking to her…” haha..  

Edited by Cookiesandough
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babybrowns Established Member

babybrowns

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Just in response to those suggesting that the distance might have put him off,

He was the one who pushed to still meet me regardless of the distance. He even drove all the way to me for our first date despite me suggesting we meet somewhere midway. Bought me a very nice meal. Wanted to extend the date beyond 6 hours but I had to get back home. (The second time, i went to his hometown where he had planned a very nice day out for the two of us. I paid for his meal though that time to thank him for him paying for me the first time).

And lately he has been persistent in wanting to spend a lot of time with me, but I am just a little less keen and less fast-moving at this moment than he is. 

Edited by babybrowns
poppyfields Established Member

poppyfields

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19 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

Just in response to those suggesting that the distance might have put him off,

He was the one who pushed to still meet me regardless of the distance. He even drove all the way to me for our first date despite me suggesting we meet somewhere midway. Bought me a very nice meal. Wanted to extend the date beyond 6 hours but I had to get back home. (The second time, i went to his hometown where he had planned a very nice day out for the two of us. I paid for his meal though that time to thank him for him paying for me the first time).

And lately he has been persistent in wanting to spend a lot of time with me, but I am just a little less keen and less fast-moving at this moment than he is. 

With the allegations of sexual misconduct, friends with the ex, the 3 hour distance, me thinks you dodged a bullet.

Why all this angst?  I don't get it.  

He's given you a major deal breaker (for you).  He is friends with his ex, period, end of.   That's a deal breaker for many people.

One could say if he liked you enough, he'd stop being friends with his ex.  But I will tell you even if my ex didn't mean that much to me, I still wouldn't stop being friends with them just because it bothered some new guy I am dating. 

Based solely on principle.  

Toss this one back, too many incompatibilities this early in.

 

 

Edited by poppyfields
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babybrowns Established Member

babybrowns

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16 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

 

One could say if he liked you enough, he'd stop being friends with his ex.  But I will tell you even if my ex didn't mean that much to me, I still wouldn't stop being friends with them just because it bothered some new guy I am dating. 

 

 

 

Yea and that’s a personal choice and understandable, but the odd thing here is that this guy started a whole conversation about this on our first date. He was very keen to discuss it and to ask how it would make me feel, if it would stop me dating him. I told him yes it would be an issue.

Even though he briefly mentioned he could stop being friends with her, his main response to my uneasiness recurrently was “but you’re the one I want, not her! Shouldn’t that be all that matters?” 

At the point of physical intimacy, I told him that now it really is an issue that she’s still around, and he made the choice to leave things with me there. Didn’t fight for it when I said I couldn’t date a man who is friends with his ex. Looks like he almost got his cake and ate it- I am Just glad I didn’t go all the way and have sexual intercourse with him before being dropped so easily!

Edited by babybrowns
poppyfields Established Member

poppyfields

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10 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

Yea and that’s a personal choice and understandable, but the odd thing here is that this guy started a whole conversation about this on our first date. He was very keen to discuss it and to ask how it would make me feel, would it stop me dating him. I told him yes it would be an issue. He chose to keep seeing me, with the false promise of taking care of that issue.

At the point of physical intimacy, I told him that now it really is an issue, and he made the choice to leave things there. Looks like he almost got his cake and ate it- I am Just glad I didn’t go all the way and have sexual intercourse with him before being dropped so easily!

But he didn't get his cake and eat it too, did he?   So according to your theory, if all he wanted was sex, he would have continued to see you, maybe even lied and said he will stop being friends with his ex, and then after sex, dropped you.

But that didn't happen, sex never happened.

Which leads me to think it was something else that turned him off.  It could be anything bb.   These early stages are so precarious, feelings can literally change on a dime.

My guess is he found your thinking (re ex's) too rigid.  Nothing wrong with that, just like there is nothing wrong with friendships with ex's being a deal breaker for you.

Try and let it go, okay?   There's lots of other men out there, men more in line with your thinking and what you want.  Who live closer!!

 

 

Edited by poppyfields
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deepthinking Established Member

deepthinking

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that ex was not an ex, you were both two-timed by an attractive fast-talking  man

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babybrowns Established Member

babybrowns

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Yes but it is hard to just let it go when we have had so much fun the past 2 weeks. It is upsetting to have this end so abruptly.

Another thing I should mention is that just a few days ago, this guy asked me for exclusivity. That was before we were intimate down the line. 

It is just sad how things were going so well and then the issue with his ex made it end. I do feel though that he would haven’t let the conversation end so quickly at ‘alright’ last night if he really did want to take a shot at things with me.

IrinaM Established Member

IrinaM

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Police officers do not have "clients." Was this a prisoner? Someone who had been placed under arrest?

Police tend to be a chummy crowd who look out for their own. The fact that the other officers have shunned him is very meaningful and important. Don't ignore that.

He sounds like a complete POS.

I think it was totally phony on his part to tell you on the first date that he has a friend-ex, but if you have a problem with that, just let him know and he'll dump her. He obviously never meant that.

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Gaeta Established Member

Gaeta

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The fact he was suspended for sexual misconduct should be enough for you to walk away, I mean run away! All this wondering about his ex is like concentrating on the paint on the wall while the house's roof was blown away. 

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poppyfields Established Member

poppyfields

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8 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

The fact he was suspended for sexual misconduct should be enough for you to walk away, I mean run away!  All this wondering about his ex is like concentrating on the paint on the wall while the house's roof was blown away. 

🤣 🤣 🤣

Sorry that made me laugh.   But it's very true.   Like I said bb, you dodged a huge bullet here!   It might take you a few days to realize that, but you will.

There are better men out there, I promise you!

 

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chillii Established Member

chillii

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babybrowns Established Member

babybrowns

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38 minutes ago, IrinaM said:

Police officers do not have "clients." Was this a prisoner? Someone who had been placed under arrest?

Police tend to be a chummy crowd who look out for their own. The fact that the other officers have shunned him is very meaningful and important. Don't ignore that.

He sounds like a complete POS.

I think it was totally phony on his part to tell you on the first date that he has a friend-ex, but if you have a problem with that, just let him know and he'll dump her. He obviously never meant that.

Yea I probably used the wrong word there by ‘client’ - this girl was someone he was helping on a case. He said she started flirting with him while he was on the job. And that a few days after that was finished, he found her on Facebook, sent her a message to ask how she was doing and that it went from there.

Down the line, he wanted to end things with her, not wanting to jeopardise his career further. At that point though, she threatened to turn him in to the police unless he paid her a hefty sum of money to keep quiet. He took the decision to hand himself in and that’s how he got into the situation he’s in.

8 minutes ago, chillii said:

 But demands on someone you hardly know so soon is a bit rich too and telling him what to do would really piss him off. Besides he's been single all this time so leaning on her a bit , wouldn't worry too much about it yet.lf you kept seeing ea other you could always talk about it along the way rather than telling him what to do so early. Give him time to to adjust . He's not gonna change his life for someone he's met 3times. later ,if this goes anywhere, maybe.

 

Well that’s fair enough but he is the initiator of these discussions, by asking me from date #1 how I felt about it. I told him the honest truth, that I cannot date a man who has his ex around. But I said to him that I can’t tell people who to be friends with and not, rather I make the choice on who to associate with based on what’s going on in their lives.

Yes it was just last night, it just does feel like a very long time since we have been speaking every day many times a day for the last 2 weeks. We connect well, get each other’s banter and humour and have soo much in common. We were speaking so much that just 2 days ago, when I didn’t have much access to my phone since I was doing a lot of driving out of town, he was worried what had happened to me and said I’d “gone a bit quiet that day, was anything wrong?” 

It does feel sad to not have spoken to him today. Part of me is hoping that he does get in touch soon.

Edited by babybrowns
spiderowl Established Member

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I don't think it is taboo to care for or spend occasional time with an ex, provided they have genuinely broken up and are just friends.

What is more important, perhaps, is that you only have his word for his circumstances.  He lives some distance away - how do you know he lives alone, that he is telling the truth about this ex, that he is not married/attached?  I know it is difficult when you want to trust someone and they seem trustworthy; it feels wrong to want to verify things, but then again normally when people live nearer we have lots of proxy verifications - such as getting to meet a friend of theirs or knowing someone in common.  We sometimes know the school they went to and get a sense of whether they really went there or not.  Sometimes we meet family fairly soon if they play a big part in the person's life.  It is impossible to do this while dating someone far away unless you do lots of searches and take it seriously.

The biggest red flag, as I see it, is his suspension from work for an inappropriate relationship.  He crossed boundaries there and, to me, that suggests he has the kind of personality who does not take boundaries seriously.  He knows you do not want future faking, but he is still doing it.  His colleagues are not talking to him and they almost certainly know more about what has happened than you or his ex.  It may be a false allegation, of course, but you might want to see if you can find anything out.  Is there a court case involved?  Has he been charged with anything?

We cannot know why he is acting as if upset about your comments.  If he truly is just friends with his ex, then he is going to think why should he drop a friend because you don't trust him.  If I had a male friend, I would still want my partner to trust that the situation was as I described.  If I say we are just friends, then I mean it - why shouldn't he believe me?  You don't sound convinced about her status.

I get the feeling you think this guy is moving too fast with you.  You want him to be patient and you want to get to know him better before getting too involved.  That is not unreasonable.  I find the same thing with guys, they want to rush too fast and then I back off.  I presume they run out of enthusiasm after a while and start to lose interest.  I feel there is nothing I can do about that because I will not rush into anything with a stranger.

I guess see if he comes round and you can discuss the situation with each other.  If he was all about sex and you were clearly not going to leap into that while you had doubts, then he may lose patience and give up.  If that's the case, then you have lost nothing.

 

 

 

 

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poppyfields Established Member

poppyfields

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18 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

Yes it was just last night, it just does feel like a very long time since we have been speaking every day many times a day for the last 2 weeks.

This would be too much for me, but why don't you just call him?   Or text him?

You had a little tiff over his ex, and now you're both stonewalling each other.

Something or someone's gotta give, may as well be you instead of sitting here stewing about it.  💛 💛 💛

 

 

 

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babybrowns Established Member

babybrowns

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23 minutes ago, spiderowl said:

I don't think it is taboo to care for or spend occasional time with an ex, provided they have genuinely broken up and are just friends.

What is more important, perhaps, is that you only have his word for his circumstances.  He lives some distance away - how do you know he lives alone, that he is telling the truth about this ex, that he is not married/attached?  I know it is difficult when you want to trust someone and they seem trustworthy; it feels wrong to want to verify things, but then again normally when people live nearer we have lots of proxy verifications - such as getting to meet a friend of theirs or knowing someone in common.  We sometimes know the school they went to and get a sense of whether they really went there or not.  Sometimes we meet family fairly soon if they play a big part in the person's life.  It is impossible to do this while dating someone far away unless you do lots of searches and take it seriously.

The biggest red flag, as I see it, is his suspension from work for an inappropriate relationship.  He crossed boundaries there and, to me, that suggests he has the kind of personality who does not take boundaries seriously.  He knows you do not want future faking, but he is still doing it.  His colleagues are not talking to him and they almost certainly know more about what has happened than you or his ex.  It may be a false allegation, of course, but you might want to see if you can find anything out.  Is there a court case involved?  Has he been charged with anything?

We cannot know why he is acting as if upset about your comments.  If he truly is just friends with his ex, then he is going to think why should he drop a friend because you don't trust him.  If I had a male friend, I would still want my partner to trust that the situation was as I described.  If I say we are just friends, then I mean it - why shouldn't he believe me?  You don't sound convinced about her status.

I get the feeling you think this guy is moving too fast with you.  You want him to be patient and you want to get to know him better before getting too involved.  That is not unreasonable.  I find the same thing with guys, they want to rush too fast and then I back off.  I presume they run out of enthusiasm after a while and start to lose interest.  I feel there is nothing I can do about that because I will not rush into anything with a stranger.

I guess see if he comes round and you can discuss the situation with each other.  If he was all about sex and you were clearly not going to leap into that while you had doubts, then he may lose patience and give up.  If that's the case, then you have lost nothing.

 

 

 

 

Thank you for this, it is very useful. You are right in that he has a problem with discipline (he blames it on the way he was raised) and crossing boundaries. But I have to disagree on the comparison to merely having a friend of the opposite gender.
This is not simply a female friend, it is an ex-girlfriend; someone he had sex and a full romantic relationship with and whom he still sees on a regular basis. He ought to know the repercussions of that on any potential love interests he wishes to pursue now and how this choice to keep talking to her might be shooting himself in the foot if he genuinely does want to date new people.

If like he says he harbours no more romantic feeling towards her, I get the feeling he’s keeping her around for a hidden reason.
Eg could she be acting on her love for him and financially supporting him during his long suspension from work? Perhaps she is willing to bail him out of jail as long as he makes time for her in his life? Something just doesn’t smell right about this.

 

20 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

 

Something or someone's gotta give, may as well be you instead of sitting here stewing about it.  💛 💛 💛

 

 

 

If I do give in and contact him, it will be giving out the message that I am willing to compromise on him having his ex around- something that is non negotiable for me. I can never get intimate with this man again knowing he might just go visit her for coffee and pancakes after I drive off home in the morning!

It was also unfair and misleading of him to talk about the ease of ending the friendship with her on our first date, should I not be comfortable with it. From how his interest waned yesterday after we got physically intimate for the first time, combined with him displaying his reluctance to lose her, I do feel played, misguided and used there. I think he tried to pull the wool over my eyes on our early dates, saying he could stop talking to this woman easily, until he gained access to my body. At this point he didn’t need to put on quite a facade about it anymore and was happy for things to end there. A cr**py feeling! 

Edited by babybrowns
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