When and when isn't reconciliation possible

[Leigh 87]

5 hours ago, BaileyB said:

This. The other focus needs to be on your own mental health. You need some crisis support right now, stay on the meds and get some counselling. 

Whatever happens with your relationship will reveal itself with time. The only thing you control in this moment is yourself, and you have a responsibility to care for your child. 

He may have said he would do anything for you and you would grow old together but that does not mean he is required to stay in an unhealthy relationship. He has apparently set a healthy boundary for himself and I respect that. 

Whatever happens, you will be ok. Reach out for help if you feel you can not cope - 

I agree with his decision. 

 

We both need to stay out of toxic situations and relationships. When these events arise, it's in both of our (and everyone's) best interest, and for our highest good, to detach and heal with lots of therapy. 

I do believe in rare instances, if two people BOTH seek therapy and they find therapists who are good enough to help both parties to heal the traumas that were causing the dysfunction within their adult relationships- then there are sometimes genuine chances to re start the marriage again anew, and avoid divorce. 

While I've now accepted he's moved on and that we no longer have an intimate or romantic relationship- I am not at the stage where I am totally neutral to reconciliation.

For many reasons the number one, being true love and good compatibility in my opinion- I still believe and hope we can avoid divorce potentially. Potentially. Although it's unlikely statistically and since he's disconnected emotionally, there's no guarantee he'll even let me close enough or be interested or willing to let me address his fears surrounding my self harm and the un- predictable behaviour. 

So for me, this is about accepting the end of a dysfunctional relationship, but while also believing that it also did last so long because we were GENUINELY in a great love and happy relationship enough of the time to warrant staying. 

I still think our happiest life is together, in the house, with our child. But I have no control over what he thinks so have to take it day by day. I can only focus on being as well as possible and getting my finances and etc in order. And while I'm moving on now (finally), I still hold out a smidge of hope for the future.  

[Leigh 87]

Update.

 

As of very recently, we have reconciled. Although it's going to be a long road of individual healing.

 

We didn't see one another for several months; we saw each other in early October 2021, after hotel quarantine ended. It was gut wrenching. He felt like a stranger. Out to lunch I would feel happy about us getting along so well, only for him to remind me that hey, we aren't together remember/ it's for the best... 😭💔

 

After months living together and a very emotional time, we got along very well and he started to look forward to coming home from his two week away stint for his work. We gradually became closer. 

 

He recently came off his anti depressants now that I'm stable and well. Big mistake if you ask me, while he used to blame me for needing to take them (I traumatised him with the self harm), it turns out I noticed it's in fact, him and his traumas, and or brain chemistry that benefits from the meds. I mean, it's great he is fit and takes CBD oil prescribed from doctor's and also micro doses in ashgwanda, it's good to see people try all methods. 

So it will be a long road to recovery. But overall, I feel we are a great fit for each other and can definitely overcome these issues. We have overcome much worse and come out as best friends and still with attraction.  

 

Everything was amazing as we got together again and the month or two prior to it and the only low so far has been him coming off his meds. 

 

Also since coming home we don't argue or engage in unhealthy prior relationship habits. Even at the absolute worst when I first got back, when I was emotionally distraught. 

 

I hope to update you with better and more positive news of progress and necessary changes to get on the road to a solid and healthy relationship. 

 

Thanks everyone who commented. 

 

The most important thing is our daughter is thriving and he is a hands on parents who gives me plenty of breaks. Lazy with house work but amazing with our daughter and his feelings on me deserving breaks and sleep ins. 

 

 

[Leigh 87]

I can't tell you all how happy I am.

 

It's a miracle really as I do believe separation almost always leads to divorce 😕

 

He is very committed to the marriage and longevity of our relationship so that's at least a good start. Who knows what will happen in the distant future, but he has assured me I am very secure and safe with him, the house and relationship for the long term. 

 

I'm of course going to take time to process it and trust him.

[Happy Lemming]

4 hours ago, Leigh 87 said:

I can't tell you all how happy I am.

It's nice to read some good news on the forum.

All the best...

[Leigh 87]

Thanks for the support in my last thread. 

 

We were 100 percent done. At least he was. And I was working on trying to accept it ..

 

Well we are very happily reconciled and have never been happier. We love having our toddler daughter and everything is really healthy finally after years of mental health issues, and both of us for ally tackling our issues alone as individuals. 

 

I've never been happier as a person and I feel like I am aligned with my purpose in life and I pinch myself everyday at the life we are now living. 

 

Freedom and love without attachment was an important theme for me personally.  My spiritual health and both in of our spiritual development (not religious at all) was a key player. I can direct anyone to helpful links and websites and counselors online of anyone is interested and traditional psychologist haven't quite done it for them (I used the medical professionals alongside other more alternative spiritual help to best motivate me to head in the direction). 

Thanks again for all the advice and feedback and support from my old thread when we were apart. 

[Happy Lemming]

So the travel restrictions were lifted and you two were able to re-unite (in person)??

As for the reconciliation, that is GREAT news!!

[Leigh 87]

7 hours ago, Happy Lemming said:

So the travel restrictions were lifted and you two were able to re-unite (in person)??

As for the reconciliation, that is GREAT news!!

The travel restrictions didn't lift. I submitted my story of being stuck away from my home I own for prolonged periods and the head police officer read my story and spoke to the high commissioner who manually accepted my case. I found out fathers day. 

 

He was just at the stage of truly moving on likely dating others when we got home. 

 

I whole heartedly believe that too much time apart was bad and if we hadn't been granted access to getting to see him and live together when we did, reconcilation wouldn't have occurred. He would be too far gone. 

 

It was excruciating when I first got back though. He was like a stranger. It was ..... Hard. 

[Happy Lemming]

6 minutes ago, Leigh 87 said:

The travel restrictions didn't lift. I submitted my story of being stuck away from my home I own for prolonged periods and the head police officer read my story and spoke to the high commissioner who manually accepted my case. I found out fathers day.

WOW!! What an ordeal trying to get back to your home.  I'm glad you made it.

8 minutes ago, Leigh 87 said:

It was excruciating when I first got back though. He was like a stranger. It was ..... Hard. 

Well you got through it and this "adjustment period" is in your rear view mirror. Things are moving forward in a positive direction.

[Leigh 87]

Hi everyone. 

I don't post often anymore due to being a stay at home mum to my beautiful toddler.

So we broke up and didn't see each other for half a year. We did end up reconciling a few months ago. 

 

Things are really wonderful as we had to overcome all the old dysfunction and start fresh without the same old patterns of individual and I'm turn collective - sub optimal behaviour patterns. 

 

Thankfully we had enough underlying love left to want to be together again after we had addressed some heavy issues. 

 

Feel free to ask me anything about reconciliation and what got me through it all. It was horrible, we had to live together after a few months apart as co-parents and it was pretty terrible. By far the hardest experience of my life. 

[Els]

Quote

Feel free to ask me anything

If you insist.

Could you describe the thought process that led you to take a holiday in another state while local news was full of Australian states shutting down left right and center, and Mark McGowan had been warning for months that a WA shutdown was imminent? I mean... don't you think the whole thing could have really been avoided?

I am very glad that your mental health has improved and you and your partner are back together, however.

[Leigh 87]

On 7/29/2022 at 10:10 PM, Elswyth said:

If you insist.

Could you describe the thought process that led you to take a holiday in another state while local news was full of Australian states shutting down left right and center, and Mark McGowan had been warning for months that a WA shutdown was imminent? I mean... don't you think the whole thing could have really been avoided?

I am very glad that your mental health has improved and you and your partner are back together, however.

It definitely wasn't planned at all. 

I had a severe mental health breakdown with serious self harm and injury. I wasn't medicated and refused help. 

 

I needed urgent care so flew to live with my parents. It was urgent. I'm lucky to be alive. I then received therapy and for on medication so I could be fully available to receive proper help.  It was after this time that the borders shut and cases soared here. There wasn't really any precursor events the day I has the very urgent flight to NSW from WA. 

 

We subsequently broke up while I was there. He'd had enough of my mental health crisis and it was a long time coming. We had tremendous love always but separated she to my husband progressing and me stagnating. He was improving and I was staying in the same old unhealthy patterns. 

 

Because the borders shut we were out of luck and were forcibly separated physically for several months. 

 

So yeah we certainly didn't plan me needing that urgent flight to live with my parents. He works away two weeks at a time and then he's home for two weeks at a time. 

 

We wouldn't have don't it this way had the situation not been absolutely urgent with me needing care. I don't think it's responsible or very compassionate to others to travel during a huge COVID outbreak. I definitely would not have travelled via plane knowing there would be a serious outbreak.  But it was urgent and we weren't yet privy to what was to unfold, COVID wise.

[Leigh 87]

Being apart and me being forced to finally get the mental health treatment I am badly needed for a very long time is what ultimately saved the marriage. 

That and also there was still enough love between us both as friends, and romantically, to allow a successful reconciliation. 

So for all those people wondering about second chances; is there underlying love there in a romantic way? Are you and were you ever even good friends to begin with ? 

 

And will the underlying issues that drove you to break up, somehow resolve ? Or else the same old patterns will prevail. Love and list ultimately weren't enough for us but did carry us a long way (both prior to the separation and also played a huge role in the ability to happily reconcile)