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TW - are these red flags big enough for no second date, even though I am interested?

hannabolics95

By hannabolics95
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hannabolics95 Member

hannabolics95

Posted
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So went on a date with a guy who I have been talking to for a week or longer now. We have had a few phone calls and seem to get along. We went out for drinks and the drinks weren't that good. Near the end of the night, where we were thinking of going somewhere else but they were closed. He was sort of happy to get another bottle but was like "Drink up (as I still sipping on the last glass of wine)" and now that I look back, I wonder whether he did that so I could get drunker. He offered for us to go back to his house and I indicated that I wasn't going to sleep with him, and he was like "No pressure, I won't try and have sex with you" we kissed at that bar and then drove back to his. Where we continued to kiss and then he was like "I'm getting hard" and gets out his dick. I suck it for a bit and I clearly say I don't want to continue doing that, I mean I just met the guy and wanted to get to know him. He sort of sulked a bit and wanted to see my boobs etc. Then he said he would pull his pants up. Then he was offered if I wanted to stay, that he wouldn't try anything just someone to cuddle with and would drop me home the next morning as he had work. I tuck him into bed and then and he sort of puts my hand on his dick again, I declined again.

I tucked him into bed and sort of laid with him for a bit and he took my hand and sort of touched himself. Okay, maybe just a bit pushy, I don't know. Only other concerns and I know this is quite common, but is it bad if a man jokingly calls you a b**** or says to shut up? Like I scared him when he came out of the toilet and I think from my memory he was like "You b****", is this sort of treatment/talk subpar?

Anyway, he messaged me the next morning. Asked to see me again. I brought these issues up. I explained it was unacceptable and said that at best, it sounds like he wants something casual. He said that he's not wanting something casual and would like to properly date. He said he felt a bit strange the next day, that he is incredibly sorry and agrees it was in poor form. He said he feels terrible and very upset by his behaviour towards me and said he does not see himself as that sort of person. He asked if I would be willing to talk on the phone, as he would like to properly apologise. He said that if we were to catch up again, we should have a more normal outing. 

I am interested in him. However, am I doing the wrong thing by thinking of wanting to see him again? 

introverted1 Established Member

introverted1

Posted
Posted

This is a parade of red flags!

First of all, you should never go to a stranger's home.  You are fortunate that all this guy did was act like a huge ass.

Second, decide on your boundaries...  and then enforce them.  If you don't want to suck his dick, then don't suck his dick.  There's nothing wrong with wanting a ONS but there *is* something wrong with saying you don't and then allowing yourself to be pressured into doing more than you are comfortable with.  This goes back to point 1 above, which is not to go home with a man you barely know.

Third, what is it you are interested in?  If it's sex, then carry on.  He's clearly willing.  If you are looking for a relationship with a man who will respect and care about you, he's not it.

p.s.  I am not buying his apology.  Those behaviors -- repeated throughout the night -- don't just happen.

  • Like 6
Blind-Sided Established Member

Blind-Sided

Posted
Posted

run away !!!!!!!!!!

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stillafool Established Member

stillafool

Posted
Posted
5 hours ago, hannabolics95 said:

Where we continued to kiss and then he was like "I'm getting hard" and gets out his dick. I suck it for a bit and I clearly say I don't want to continue doing that,

Why are you doing something that you feel uncomfortable doing with a complete stranger who ends up calling you a b----h?  Please raise your standards.

  • Like 2
JRabbit Established Member

JRabbit

Posted
Posted

Your words and actions don't match.

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smackie9 Established Member

smackie9

Posted
Posted

The minute a guy is buying lots of drinks...that's your signal to walk away. Can't you see? He's done this many times before. He knows he's good looking enough to get away with it. He almost had you...and he's willing to try it again, and I don't mean getting to know you. He just wants in you pants.

  • Like 1
glows Established Member

glows

Posted
Posted

He’s disgusting, OP. Your mistake was chatting with him for longer than a week. There was misconstrued/illusion of trust prior to the first meet. You’re interested because he was able to emotionally draw you in so he could get in your pants. Was any of that sexting or inappropriate texting? 

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hannabolics95 Member

hannabolics95

Posted
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Posted
8 minutes ago, glows said:

He’s disgusting, OP. Your mistake was chatting with him for longer than a week. There was misconstrued/illusion of trust prior to the first meet. You’re interested because he was able to emotionally draw you in so he could get in your pants. Was any of that sexting or inappropriate texting? 

No there wasn't. That is what makes it so confusing. He admitted that it was 'all a bit too much in the context of our good chats and our meet up'. 

glows Established Member

glows

Posted
Posted
1 minute ago, hannabolics95 said:

No there wasn't. That is what makes it so confusing. He admitted that it was 'all a bit too much in the context of our good chats and our meet up'. 

If anything he has a drinking problem. Red flags should have been up at that point. Don’t stay for a moment longer. Apologies after the fact don’t cut it. Meet fairly soon within one or two days of introducing yourselves online.

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hannabolics95 Member

hannabolics95

Posted
  • Author
Posted (edited)
38 minutes ago, JRabbit said:

Your words and actions don't match.

I think when someone whips their dick out, in mainly unsolicited contexts; criticising someone for going down on them out of fear is probably not the kindest approach. Yes he didn't demand or push my head down. I just didn't know what he would do, luckily I was not hurt. Maybe not fear, but definitely pressure. 

Edited by hannabolics95
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hannabolics95 Member

hannabolics95

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Posted
1 minute ago, glows said:

If anything he has a drinking problem. Red flags should have been up at that point. Don’t stay for a moment longer. Apologies after the fact don’t cut it. Meet fairly soon within one or two days of introducing yourselves online.

Thank you. So you would say, under no circumstances meet this person again?

glows Established Member

glows

Posted
Posted
Just now, hannabolics95 said:

Thank you. So you would say, under no circumstances meet this person again?

For what I’m looking for personally, no, I would not. 

  • Like 1
JRabbit Established Member

JRabbit

Posted
Posted (edited)
30 minutes ago, hannabolics95 said:

Maybe not fear, but definitely pressure.

If you can't say no when you're on a date when a man whips it out (and you dont want to do anything) then you need to take a break from dating.

  Fear if he was threatening you is one thing, simply feeling pressure because he did and not being able to say "sorry but no" is going to put yourself in some very bad situations.

Also you should be aware that if you are telling someone one thing but acting in another way, then you are giving mixed messages and it will be impossible to know whether you are truly compatible with someone or if they are being shady or if you are just not being very clear.  This isn't a criticism so need to take it personally.

Edited by JRabbit
  • Like 3
Andy_K Established Member

Andy_K

Posted
Posted

Regardless of whether he wants casual or not, the red flag here is that he didn't pay much attention to what you wanted. But it's hard to blame him entirely for that because you're giving out completely mixed messages. I bet if we were to hear his side of the story it would seem that you were a lot less 'reluctant' than you're trying to convey here.

Fix your own boundaries and you'll find it much easier to see when people are respecting them or not.

  • Like 3
Miss Spider Established Member

Miss Spider

Posted
Posted (edited)
1 hour ago, hannabolics95 said:

I think when someone whips their dick out, in mainly unsolicited contexts; criticising someone for going down on them out of fear is probably not the kindest approach. Yes he didn't demand or push my head down. I just didn't know what he would do, luckily I was not hurt. Maybe not fear, but definitely pressure. 

If you felt that way why would you EVER want to go out this guy again. My face was like this 😳 the whole time 

Edited by Cookiesandough
  • Like 2
stillafool Established Member

stillafool

Posted
Posted
2 hours ago, hannabolics95 said:

Thank you. So you would say, under no circumstances meet this person again?

I can't believe you're even asking this after the way he treated you.  You were so quick to take his orders that he knows getting you in the sack the next meet up will be a piece of cake, which is all he wants from you.

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GeorgiaPeach1 Established Member

GeorgiaPeach1

Posted
Posted
8 hours ago, hannabolics95 said:

So went on a date with a guy who I have been talking to for a week or longer now. We have had a few phone calls and seem to get along. We went out for drinks and the drinks weren't that good. Near the end of the night, where we were thinking of going somewhere else but they were closed. He was sort of happy to get another bottle but was like "Drink up (as I still sipping on the last glass of wine)" and now that I look back, I wonder whether he did that so I could get drunker. He offered for us to go back to his house and I indicated that I wasn't going to sleep with him, and he was like "No pressure, I won't try and have sex with you" we kissed at that bar and then drove back to his. Where we continued to kiss and then he was like "I'm getting hard" and gets out his dick. I suck it for a bit and I clearly say I don't want to continue doing that, I mean I just met the guy and wanted to get to know him. He sort of sulked a bit and wanted to see my boobs etc. Then he said he would pull his pants up. Then he was offered if I wanted to stay, that he wouldn't try anything just someone to cuddle with and would drop me home the next morning as he had work. I tuck him into bed and then and he sort of puts my hand on his dick again, I declined again.

I tucked him into bed and sort of laid with him for a bit and he took my hand and sort of touched himself. Okay, maybe just a bit pushy, I don't know. Only other concerns and I know this is quite common, but is it bad if a man jokingly calls you a b**** or says to shut up? Like I scared him when he came out of the toilet and I think from my memory he was like "You b****", is this sort of treatment/talk subpar?

Anyway, he messaged me the next morning. Asked to see me again. I brought these issues up. I explained it was unacceptable and said that at best, it sounds like he wants something casual. He said that he's not wanting something casual and would like to properly date. He said he felt a bit strange the next day, that he is incredibly sorry and agrees it was in poor form. He said he feels terrible and very upset by his behaviour towards me and said he does not see himself as that sort of person. He asked if I would be willing to talk on the phone, as he would like to properly apologise. He said that if we were to catch up again, we should have a more normal outing. 

I am interested in him. However, am I doing the wrong thing by thinking of wanting to see him again? 

A woman with high self-esteem would not put herself in a situation where she's behind closed doors with a stranger, especially after drinking. He could have harmed you.

Although he probably doesn't realize it, he put himself at risk too--hanging out behind closed doors with a woman who says No with her words but Maybe/Yes with her actions.

I think both of you need to do some self-evaluating and improvements.

  • Like 2
GeorgiaPeach1 Established Member

GeorgiaPeach1

Posted
Posted
2 hours ago, hannabolics95 said:

I think when someone whips their dick out, in mainly unsolicited contexts; criticising someone for going down on them out of fear is probably not the kindest approach. Yes he didn't demand or push my head down. I just didn't know what he would do, luckily I was not hurt. Maybe not fear, but definitely pressure. 

Fear?? Yet you are still interested in him, and thinking of going out with him again?

  • Like 2
Calmandfocused Established Member

Calmandfocused

Posted
Posted


What a sleeze! Yuk!!

Do not under any circumstances go out with this guy again. I guarantee you he will do exactly the same behaviour again… because he can and he thinks he can get away with it. Especially with you. 
 

You were wrong for going home with him, lying on his bed with him and for sucking his d**k. You betrayed yourself by agreeing to engage in acts that you did not want to do. I’m actually surprised that you’re not repulsed by him. 
 

He likes dirty talk … probably prostitutes too. 
 

Look in my younger days I (indirectly) agreed to acts with pushy guys just to shut them up. No good comes from it, I can assure you.  All that happens is you disrespect yourself. Don’t go there. 
 

Reminds me of an awful date I had recently with a guy who was a complete perv. Maybe these two blokes went to the same school together 🤢
 

Get away from him. He sounds disgusting. 
 

 

 

  • Like 2
Ami1uwant Established Member

Ami1uwant

Posted
Posted
7 hours ago, introverted1 said:

 

Third, what is it you are interested in?  If it's sex, then carry on.  He's clearly willing.  If you are looking for a relationship with a man who will respect and care about you, he's not it.


 

just because someone want sex with you does not have anything to do with wanting a long term relationship 

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