Wiseman2 Posted August 10, 2021 Share Posted August 10, 2021 5 hours ago, financial_ad429 said: show emotions like jealousy at the thought of me with another man, then I must really be “special.” Or he just has a huge ego. So committed guys commit, nice guys are nice and following your logic, egomaniacs ( narcissists, sociopaths etc.) have huge egos so nothing "special" about their jealousy, right? Ok most any therapist is trained to deal with these types of cognitive distortions. You seem to have insight to it and that's a start. However with therapy you could learn ways to cope without illogical rationalizing driving you to the wrong places. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted August 10, 2021 Share Posted August 10, 2021 6 hours ago, financial_ad429 said: If I get a man like this one, who calls himself a sociopath, to be attached to me and “stick around” and show emotions like jealousy at the thought of me with another man (it isn’t just about sex/STDs, even applies if I get dinner w someone), then I must really be “special.” Holy cow. You're right, it's terribly unhealthy and speaks to pretty low self-worth. But since you know this about yourself and have enough insight to recognize how dysfunctional this mindset is, are you prepared to do anything to change it? Link to post Share on other sites
Author financial_ad429 Posted August 27, 2021 Author Share Posted August 27, 2021 I don’t think so. The highs I get from him seem irreplaceable to me, even though the lows are terrible. He literally just tried to make me believe he was spending his some of his vacation with a female “friend” but his son was also with him but he and the friend had barely ever shaken hands and where was his wife with whom he said he tries to appear normal when he’s visiting his son?? When he saw me get “jealous” he started saying he was no longer going to a big event with this woman (and taking his son too!) and I took a step back and asked… when was this ever a decent option regardless of me?? So he just ditched his wife and younger kid in the meantime while hanging out with his son and some rando friend Link to post Share on other sites
Daisydooks Posted August 27, 2021 Share Posted August 27, 2021 On 8/6/2021 at 9:37 PM, financial_ad429 said: Thanks, so you don’t think I’m wrong do you? He told me he did not want commitment. Worse than that, telling me he wanted some other woman and not speaking to me for weeks on end? How, in that situation, am I possibly wrong for dating or sleeping with someone else? I am so committed when actually in a relationship Youre not. He is truly just a cake eater. He wants his wife and his OW (You) to be there just for his pleasure, and he is allowed to do as he pleases. Either end it, or know your place - I dont mean this in a mean way. But seriously, know your place, shut up, or end it. This is fairly classic behavior from a married man with an other woman. He doesn't want you but he doesn't want anyone else to have you either. Stop trying to make sense of this irrational behaviour. It's a lost cause 3 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted August 27, 2021 Share Posted August 27, 2021 He's a married man. You have to assume that every thing that comes out of his mouth is a LIE. He's toxic for you & is holding you back from finding real love of your own. When you get done with his selfish BS you will break free. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted August 27, 2021 Share Posted August 27, 2021 On 8/6/2021 at 8:26 PM, financial_ad429 said: I did date somebody and slept with them once. Recently I told this married man. Why did you feel the need to tell him your business? Were you trying to make him jealous? As you can see that back fired and he has a different view of you now. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted August 28, 2021 Share Posted August 28, 2021 On 8/27/2021 at 4:29 AM, financial_ad429 said: The highs I get from him seem irreplaceable to me Nobody can really help you, then. Until you demand more for yourself and lose this clown, this will continue. It's not going to get better. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted August 28, 2021 Share Posted August 28, 2021 On 8/26/2021 at 10:29 PM, financial_ad429 said: . The highs I get from him seem irreplaceable to me, even though the lows are terrible. When you are done with this roller coaster ride from sheer exhaustion, you'll hit rock bottom. You can jump off at any time. But it seems for now you are still getting something out of this. Stop and reflect why you need these so-called highs. Link to post Share on other sites
spiderowl Posted August 28, 2021 Share Posted August 28, 2021 On 8/7/2021 at 1:26 AM, financial_ad429 said: I’ve been seeing a married man for a few years. He moved to the opposite coast from his wife and son. Says he hasn’t made any physical contact with his wife in years and they’re staying together for the kid and because he doesn’t want to lose half of his wealth. He keeps me hidden and says he wants no relationship or commitment. But if I see anyone else he becomes enraged. At one point he told me he wanted some other woman romantically and she was coming to stay with him for a few weeks, and that I should move on. We barely spoke for about a month. I did date somebody and slept with them once. Recently I told this married man. Now all he does is try to make me feel horrible for it. From my standpoint if he doesn’t want commitment with me then he has no right to make me feel this way. And it’s one person one time in years whom I slept with! He intermittently gets turned on and wants the sexual details of that one encounter, and totally shuts me out and makes me feel guilty for it. Can’t I make him understand that if he doesn’t want to commit to me then this is what will happen? Why are you still seeing a guy who is married, wants no relationship or commitment, and treats you like this? Can't you see that you are hurting yourself by not dumping him and cutting off all contact with him? You owe this guy nothing. He has no right to know anything about you. You can stop him contacting you. You must be getting something out of this 'relationship' otherwise why are you putting yourself through the pain of remaining in contact? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
spiderowl Posted August 28, 2021 Share Posted August 28, 2021 On 8/9/2021 at 3:09 AM, financial_ad429 said: The drama and complexity. With my ex husband we had zero passion, nonexistent sex life. He wanted to sit around and work all the time while I was just sort of… around to pay bills bc he was a dreamer who took forEVER to finish school. With this man it’s exciting… I knew my ex husband would always “be there” as in wouldn’t cheat or leave me, but it was empty and I felt trapped, whereas with this guy the mind games and push/pull keep me on my toes So are you saying you enjoy the mind games and the push/pull? If so, you are in for a lot of torment. Link to post Share on other sites
spiderowl Posted August 28, 2021 Share Posted August 28, 2021 On 8/10/2021 at 2:53 AM, financial_ad429 said: Thank you so much- I feel you and the other posters are really making effort to be helpful. Here’s my innate belief and I’m NOT saying it’s normal, healthy, or “correct.” If I found a nice guy and he treated me really nicely, then that is just a nice guy being nice, nothing special about me. If I found a guy ready to settle down and he committed to me, then that’s just a guy in that stage of his life, nothing special about me. If I get a man like this one, who calls himself a sociopath, to be attached to me and “stick around” and show emotions like jealousy at the thought of me with another man (it isn’t just about sex/STDs, even applies if I get dinner w someone), then I must really be “special.” So you are easily bored and like the bad boys? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted August 28, 2021 Share Posted August 28, 2021 (edited) On 8/9/2021 at 9:53 PM, financial_ad429 said: If I get a man like this one, who calls himself a sociopath, to be attached to me and “stick around” and show emotions like jealousy at the thought of me with another man (it isn’t just about sex/STDs, even applies if I get dinner w someone), then I must really be “special.” But you aren't special to him. You're just his OW and if he loses you he will get another one. If you were special to him he would divorce his wife and marry you. Rich men trade up wives all the time why hasn't he traded her in for you? It is about STDs because if you get one from some random dude and give it to him he will take it back to his wife (who he told you he isn't having sex with which we all know is the #1 lie cheaters tell) and all hell will break loose. Keep sticking around and sooner or later you will see this. Edited August 28, 2021 by stillafool Link to post Share on other sites
spiderowl Posted August 28, 2021 Share Posted August 28, 2021 On 8/27/2021 at 12:08 PM, d0nnivain said: He's a married man. You have to assume that every thing that comes out of his mouth is a LIE. He's toxic for you & is holding you back from finding real love of your own. When you get done with his selfish BS you will break free. I don't think she is looking for love. She appears to find this erratic and abusive behaviour exciting. Link to post Share on other sites
Author financial_ad429 Posted September 11, 2021 Author Share Posted September 11, 2021 Was involved with a married man for years. He moved far away from his wife and son, says he left selfishly with no remorse. (Then says how much he misses his son- but it’s his doing!) Says he’s had no physical contact with his wife in years and they’re staying together for their son and because he doesn’t want to lose his $. Initially made me think he was leaving his wife, then (surprise!) never mind. He kept me hidden and said he wants no relationship or commitment. At one point he told me he wanted some other faraway woman and she was coming to stay with him, and that I should move on. We barely spoke for a while but even then, if I dated anybody else he’d try to make me feel horrible. Then he said, “that other woman has only ever been a friend, and I was just exaggerating & am not seeing her.” OH and in the midst of all this, he’d post photos of his wife and son with some cutesy caption like everything fine. Recently: he’ll sext me, ask for sexy photos (I decline), and talk about plans to have sex with me when he’s back from visiting his son. Then he slid into conversation that he was taking his son to a party with this other woman he’d tried to use to make me jealous before. THEN he posted photos of that other woman (her alone, not w him) on social media w the caption “so pretty”… an account where his family isn’t linked to him/can’t find him (fake name), but he knew I could see it. Well now his family has seen it… I’m sure they were shocked that he publicly (even tho he didn’t think they’d find it) posted stuff about a woman other than his wife bc he only posts about wifey on his social media and makes everyone think he’s staying married… Eventually I told his wife after discussing with my friends- they said she deserved the truth. She didn’t seem to care at all about the cheating - “oh you’re being used too? Cool, lmk when the wedding is.” But she seemed upset once I told her that her husband was involving their child, aka taking their son to parties with the other mistress. Really upset, because she asked me to elaborate and soon after the guy messaged me all ticked off. The situation chills me. If his wife really doesn’t care, then am I crazy to ever have wanted him myself? Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted September 11, 2021 Share Posted September 11, 2021 She's getting something out of this guy, probably money. As long as she gets what she wants she may not care what else he does. He sounds like somebody you need to disconnect from. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted September 11, 2021 Share Posted September 11, 2021 (edited) Quote Why doesn't his wife care that he's cheating? The better question to ask is - why have you involved yourself with this cheater? Lots of married women stay with their philandering husbands for a variety of different reasons - financial, familial, fear, codependency, etc… There is nothing unique here, unfortunately. That said, he apparently crossed the line when he introduced her child to his affair partner… and rightfully so. Not many women would find that acceptable. Edited September 11, 2021 by BaileyB 4 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted September 11, 2021 Share Posted September 11, 2021 Why didn't you tell her about his affair when he was involved with you? She probably knows you are just jealous and she doesn't care what he does as long as it doesn't involve their child. I'm sure you done with him now and him with you so hopefully you get over this soon. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted September 11, 2021 Share Posted September 11, 2021 Reading over your past threads it seems this guy has no respect whatsoever for you, but you get off on the mind games he plays? You find that exciting. Well carry on. Link to post Share on other sites
Author financial_ad429 Posted September 11, 2021 Author Share Posted September 11, 2021 45 minutes ago, stillafool said: Why didn't you tell her about his affair when he was involved with you? She probably knows you are just jealous and she doesn't care what he does as long as it doesn't involve their child. I'm sure you done with him now and him with you so hopefully you get over this soon. Except it did involve her child… I showed her a message where he told me he was taking their son to a party w that other woman… that seemed to upset her and soon after he messaged me frantic Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted September 11, 2021 Share Posted September 11, 2021 (edited) 6 minutes ago, financial_ad429 said: Except it did involve her child… I showed her a message where he told me he was taking their son to a party w that other woman… that seemed to upset her and soon after he messaged me frantic What exactly are you not understanding? This would be the response of almost any mother - to involve your child with your affair partner is a big no-go for most people… Seriously, the only person you are responsible for is you. What this woman thinks/feels/does is none of you business… Why do you care what she does? Sorry to be blunt, but you need to mind your own business. You have no business interfering in their marriage or their lives. Edited September 11, 2021 by BaileyB 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted September 11, 2021 Share Posted September 11, 2021 (edited) They are already estranged and she's glad that he's out of her life. The only thing they now have in common are assets and a child. Of course she wouldn't care who he's having sex with now. Edited September 11, 2021 by basil67 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author financial_ad429 Posted September 11, 2021 Author Share Posted September 11, 2021 2 minutes ago, basil67 said: They are already estranged and she's glad that he's out of her life. The only thing they now have in common are assets and a child. Of course she wouldn't care who he's having sex with now. I agree- this is what I found so chilling- the fact that she cared so little, as the person who’s known him longest and actually been his wife, makes me feel like he actually must be garbage. Who intermittently rubs some other woman in my face then says it’s nothing then goes back to saying he wants her? He plays sick games and told me himself he’s a sociopath and doesn’t care about anyone Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted September 11, 2021 Share Posted September 11, 2021 6 minutes ago, financial_ad429 said: this is what I found so chilling- the fact that she cared so little, as the person who’s known him longest and actually been his wife Healthy people don’t generally stay around to be hurt again by a man who has hurt them and treated them badly. It’s not that she cares so little for him, it’s that she cares about and respects herself more. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted September 11, 2021 Share Posted September 11, 2021 31 minutes ago, financial_ad429 said: I agree- this is what I found so chilling- the fact that she cared so little, as the person who’s known him longest and actually been his wife, makes me feel like he actually must be garbage. I don't understand why you're surprised that she doesn't care what her estranged husband is up to. Whether he was a cad or they simply broke up because they don't get on anymore....why would she care what he's doing now? It's no longer any of her concern or business. And there is also no reason for him to not introduce his child to the person he's seeing now. It may not be in the best of taste, but she has no say in this. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
IrinaM Posted September 11, 2021 Share Posted September 11, 2021 well think about it this way: why didn't you care that the man you were having NSA sex with was married? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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