Not attracted to my partner.

[Wiseman2]

14 minutes ago, Noproblem said:

So, just spare him and yourself the waste of time and end it as soon as possible. He has a right to live with someone who loves him

Agree. You're incompatible and being frustrated that he won't change to your specifications or that you can't train him to be what you want him to be or can't fix him, is no reason to feel like a victim. Set both yourselves free. 

[ExpatInItaly]

4 hours ago, Michelle3 said:

Not a bad person, just lazy and a tad ignorant of the issues.

I don't think he's ignorant, though. He is now aware of which things bother you. 

But he is evidently not going to change who he fundamentally is. He is just not the guy you hoped he was.  I don't think either of you is wrong in your lifestyles and preferences - you're just really not right for each other. 

Edited August 6, 2021 by ExpatInItaly

[lovebooks]

18 hours ago, Michelle3 said:

Hello, 

I feel terrible writing this.

I don’t feel attracted to my boyfriend. 

We have only been together for 11 months. He is a gentleman who wants only good for me and to bring good things to my life.  In the past I have had incredibly jealous boyfriends and my new boyfriend is nothing like this, which I love as I am not made to feel like an object. However, i do not find him attractive and i am finding it harder to brush this feeling off. 
For all his positives, I struggle with his table manners. He eats with an open mouth and you can hear this even from another room. Most of his food ends up around his mouth too and as much as I have told him to consider others while eating, he continues to chew very loudly. He has no care for keeping his hair cut/tidy. His only clothes are work clothes, so even when clean they still look unkept. 
Another issue is that I have quite a high/adventurous sex drive. He does not. He says he does but evidently, he is all talk.  I am confident and outgoing in this area and he barely initiates. When he does, he just tries to push himself in and I am so turned off it hurts me for days afterwards.  I have had less sex since being with him than when I was dating. 
I have spoken to my Mum about this and she just says how lovely he is and that I have fallen on my feet to be with him but I don’t feel the connection is there and it is making me feel so unhappy. 
 

I have spoken to my boyfriend about his chewing and taking care of himself. I have spoken at least 6 times about our sex life too. He acknowledges everything and agrees with me yet nothing changes. 
When I mention it again he freaks out thinking I am going to leave, which pushes me away even more because there is so much desperation in his voice it’s not attractive. 
Why am I pushing a good person away? 
The sex can improve with time, this is something I am happy to work through together but the mannerisms and this feeling of not finding him attractive is concerning me.

Has anyone been in this position before or similar?  
I am 31 years old. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life feeling like this but at the same time, I know I can push away a good thing too soon sometimes. 

He is far from my usual type but is a good person.

Can a relationship work without the attraction? 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited August 6, 2021 by lovebooks
delete reply

[Sun Seeker]

From what you have posted, this sounds like a terrible relationship. I'm unsure what's stopping you from ending things.

Being in a relationship is about finding out how compatible you are to be together long term. It seems pretty clear the answer to that is a big fat NO, you are not compatible.

[Lotsgoingon]

Sounds like you're with a "nicer" guy than before, but being with a "nicer" guy doesn't mean you're with someone you're attracted to.

I have to grow you up here: the whole point of dating is to bounce around and figure out and find a person who is kind AND who we're attracted to. That's the game--to combine those two. You cannot get around attraction. You don't wanna date someone you're not attracted to. You may not know this, but people can EASILY tell that you're not into him. 

Imagine I'm at your place while bf is eating, you think I won't see how uncomfortable you are? But I digress because this problem with him cannot be fixed. You simply are not attracted. He could eat quietly and change his sexual technique. Absolutely no guarantee that changes what you feel about him. 

BTW: you may be repeating the pattern you had with the jerk guys. You let them use you and you worked too hard and did way too much for them. And you're doing the same thing here. This guy is just nicer, but you're still working too hard and putting up with behavior you don't like. 

 

[spiderowl]

Well, despite him being a 'nice guy' who only wants good for you, he neglects his appearance, has bad eating manners, and does not care about your feelings with regard to sex.   What exactly is nice about him?

You need to trust your instincts.  He is your boyfriend not your mum's.  If you are unhappy with his habits and have talked to him to try to change them, then you have done your best.

Sexually, your guy is a turn-off.  If you add to that his other, unpleasant habits, it is understandable that you do not feel sexually attracted to him.  He has had the chance to change some of these habits.  You don't have to stay with someone you find objectionable.

Edited August 6, 2021 by spiderowl

[Daisydooks]

7 hours ago, Michelle3 said:

Thank you for your response.

I guess I am frustrated and resentful now. 
I do everything for this man. I cook for him, I clean his house and look after his dog. (I have my own house to do all this with too alongside working 45hours a week plus out of hours work).

He thinks we have a great sex life as I make sure he finishes. But this is not reciprocated. When I ask why, he says he is just being lazy and knows he needs to do more but yet months go by and nothing changes. I have been so patient with this man, understanding and giving. 
He promises me he has a high sex drive but we are completely different in this area and I wish he would just be honest and say his drive is different (this would be fine). Instead he just keeps lying to me to keep me in the hope that things might get better. 
I have already tried twice to end things but he turns up at my house and won’t leave. So I feel a bit trapped. 
I want this to work but he needs to appreciate me and my needs too. 
I have been so respectful, just upset by his lack of respect for me. 
I am here to try get some advise on my situation. Not to ridicule him. 

Don't answer the door. Youre making this so hard on yourself for no reason. Neither of you are bad people.  Youre just different people. Thats ok. Dont spend another day doing this nonsense though.  It isnt reciprocated and this IS who he is. 

[ShyViolet]

8 hours ago, Michelle3 said:

I have already tried twice to end things but he turns up at my house and won’t leave. So I feel a bit trapped. 
 

Seriously?  It's time for you to stop being nice and end things once and for all.  If he turns up at your house and won't leave you tell him that if he doesn't leave you're calling the police.  Stop being his doormat and start standing up for yourself.  You are in control of your own life.

I guess he's not so "nice" after all, is he

[IslandSanctuary]

If I dated a girl that made me manually 'finish' her - no way would I keep seeing her. Generally my D game is good enough that my partner gets off - and if it isn't I'm far too lazy to do much more. I have dated women like this and they gross me out, never go back after round one. 
Youtube search: "Women hitting the wall" 

[ExpatInItaly]

8 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

 If he turns up at your house and won't leave you tell him that if he doesn't leave you're calling the police.

My thoughts exactly. 

This guy isn't as "nice" as you think he is, OP. Nice guys would respect your boundary and not try to bulldoze over your decision to get you do what they want. 

[Fletch Lives]

You have to have a high level of attraction and love for a relationship to work.

[Acacia98]

19 hours ago, Michelle3 said:

Thank you for your reply.

I know what I have to do now I was just trying to give this one last chance. 

When I speak with him about my concerns he always says he is exactly like me, he has just been lazy and will sort it out as he doesn’t want to lose me, but I can’t keep going round in circles as nothing changes. 
He is who he is and shouldn’t have to change for anyone. 
We are just incompatible and I think I am just upset and frustrated by it all now. 

He may seem nice. But he's also a liar and a selfish man. I say this because he has repeatedly lied to you that he's going to do things differently. Then he has proceeded to do nothing. He's happy with the way things are. That's good enough for him. He doesn't care enough about your unhappiness to be honest about who he is and what he can realistically do and to let you go (I dont think he can change who he is, so I'm not even considering that alternative).

Staying is not good for either of you. You both should be with people with whom you're compatible. Do yourselves both a favor and end this.

Edited August 7, 2021 by Acacia98

[smackie9]

You want things to change? Stop doing stuff for him. Stop cooking for him, stop walking his dog, don't clean for him or his Laundry. He's a grown man he can do those things himself. You are not his mother. That's right, you are a replacement for his mother that's why he's dating you...because you do everything for him. Break the cycle.

[Blacksheep33]

Omg are we the same person?

I went through the exact same thing and I was also 31. Now I’m 34! The only difference is that I was married. Like you, I did not feel attracted to my ex husband. I did not like his manners either. He farted at the dinner table and thought it was appropriate. He also wouldn’t push his chair after eating and I had to tell him many times to do it. He seemed like a child. He would never take iniciative with the household chores and he was not a gentleman either. It was a HUGE turn off!

And yes! I struggle with him too when it came to sex. He just didn’t know how to treat a lady right and was lazy in bed which made everything boring. I couldn’t handle being with someone like that although he was a good person and had a good heart. I was honest with him about how I felt and divorced him before even considering having kids. 
 

Now I’m in another relationship with someone with more values and better manners, but it’s still challenging and he has angry tempers. I realized no relationship is perfect but you really need to consider if this is a guy you see yourself with in the future. Please don’t make the mistake I did of marrying the wrong person. If you don’t like him now, you can’t change him and it won’t get better

[Maldives]

On 8/6/2021 at 11:11 AM, Michelle3 said:

Hello, 

I feel terrible writing this.

I don’t feel attracted to my boyfriend. 

We have only been together for 11 months. He is a gentleman who wants only good for me and to bring good things to my life.  In the past I have had incredibly jealous boyfriends and my new boyfriend is nothing like this, which I love as I am not made to feel like an object. However, i do not find him attractive and i am finding it harder to brush this feeling off. 
For all his positives, I struggle with his table manners. He eats with an open mouth and you can hear this even from another room. Most of his food ends up around his mouth too and as much as I have told him to consider others while eating, he continues to chew very loudly. He has no care for keeping his hair cut/tidy. His only clothes are work clothes, so even when clean they still look unkept. 
Another issue is that I have quite a high/adventurous sex drive. He does not. He says he does but evidently, he is all talk.  I am confident and outgoing in this area and he barely initiates. When he does, he just tries to push himself in and I am so turned off it hurts me for days afterwards.  I have had less sex since being with him than when I was dating. 
I have spoken to my Mum about this and she just says how lovely he is and that I have fallen on my feet to be with him but I don’t feel the connection is there and it is making me feel so unhappy. 
 

I have spoken to my boyfriend about his chewing and taking care of himself. I have spoken at least 6 times about our sex life too. He acknowledges everything and agrees with me yet nothing changes. 
When I mention it again he freaks out thinking I am going to leave, which pushes me away even more because there is so much desperation in his voice it’s not attractive. 
Why am I pushing a good person away? 
The sex can improve with time, this is something I am happy to work through together but the mannerisms and this feeling of not finding him attractive is concerning me.

Has anyone been in this position before or similar?  
I am 31 years old. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life feeling like this but at the same time, I know I can push away a good thing too soon sometimes. 

He is far from my usual type but is a good person.

Can a relationship work without the attraction? 

The attraction I'm sorry to say is important. Thats not going to change no matter how long you stay. All I read were negatives you've answered your own question. I think better to move on and find someone you attracted to