Not attracted to my partner.

[Michelle3]

Hello, 

I feel terrible writing this.

I don’t feel attracted to my boyfriend. 

We have only been together for 11 months. He is a gentleman who wants only good for me and to bring good things to my life.  In the past I have had incredibly jealous boyfriends and my new boyfriend is nothing like this, which I love as I am not made to feel like an object. However, i do not find him attractive and i am finding it harder to brush this feeling off. 
For all his positives, I struggle with his table manners. He eats with an open mouth and you can hear this even from another room. Most of his food ends up around his mouth too and as much as I have told him to consider others while eating, he continues to chew very loudly. He has no care for keeping his hair cut/tidy. His only clothes are work clothes, so even when clean they still look unkept. 
Another issue is that I have quite a high/adventurous sex drive. He does not. He says he does but evidently, he is all talk.  I am confident and outgoing in this area and he barely initiates. When he does, he just tries to push himself in and I am so turned off it hurts me for days afterwards.  I have had less sex since being with him than when I was dating. 
I have spoken to my Mum about this and she just says how lovely he is and that I have fallen on my feet to be with him but I don’t feel the connection is there and it is making me feel so unhappy. 
 

I have spoken to my boyfriend about his chewing and taking care of himself. I have spoken at least 6 times about our sex life too. He acknowledges everything and agrees with me yet nothing changes. 
When I mention it again he freaks out thinking I am going to leave, which pushes me away even more because there is so much desperation in his voice it’s not attractive. 
Why am I pushing a good person away? 
The sex can improve with time, this is something I am happy to work through together but the mannerisms and this feeling of not finding him attractive is concerning me.

Has anyone been in this position before or similar?  
I am 31 years old. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life feeling like this but at the same time, I know I can push away a good thing too soon sometimes. 

He is far from my usual type but is a good person.

Can a relationship work without the attraction? 

 

 

 

 

[Weezy1973]

11 minutes ago, Michelle3 said:

Why am I pushing a good person away? 
 

What often happens is if we’ve had bad relationships with a certain type of person, we go to the opposite for the next relationship. I suspect this is what’s happened here. You’ve had a few bad experiences with one type of guy, and therefore tried the opposite type to try to avoid getting hurt. 
 

And what’s happened is fairly typical too. You’ve gone from one extreme to the other. What you’re looking for is something in the middle. Keep in mind, you’ll likely try to find someone that gives you the best of both types, however that’s unrealistic. But this guy isn’t a match. If nothing else the sexual incompatibilities will eventually be a deal breaker.

[ShyViolet]

1 hour ago, Michelle3 said:

Can a relationship work without the attraction? 

No, absolutely not.  I have actually been in a very similar situation.

This is going to end sooner or later.  The only redeeming quality that you say he has, when you really boil it down, is that he's "nice."  You feel bad breaking up with him because he's a good guy and he's "nice."  Well that's not enough, not even close.  This relationship is going to fall apart.  Stop wasting your time and his time, and make a clean break.  You can either end it now, or waste a whole lot more time with him and let this relationship die a slow, drawn-out death.

[CaliforniaGirl]

Honey...this will not get better. You'll start resenting him pretty soon. If you're not attracted, you can't force yourself to be. You tried, but this is just not a satisfying match.

[Alvi]

Unless you are looking to settle this may possibly work. But on the other hand, you are still young, so why waste your time on a relationship that is not working for you? He is a nice guy, but he doesn't do it for you. Probably better for you to end things.

2 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

What often happens is if we’ve had bad relationships with a certain type of person, we go to the opposite for the next relationship. I suspect this is what’s happened here. You’ve had a few bad experiences with one type of guy, and therefore tried the opposite type to try to avoid getting hurt. 
 

And what’s happened is fairly typical too. You’ve gone from one extreme to the other. What you’re looking for is something in the middle. Keep in mind, you’ll likely try to find someone that gives you the best of both types, however that’s unrealistic. But this guy isn’t a match. If nothing else the sexual incompatibilities will eventually be a deal breaker.

Not necessarily a bad relationship in the past. I just see two not very compatible people from the reading of OP's post. Perhaps she was attracted to him at first but as she got to know him better, the real him, attraction went away. 

Edited August 6, 2021 by Alvi

[Ami1uwant]

You can’t change a person. They have to change themselves.

 

you have told him these issues.  Maybe you need to end it with him and mean it.

[glows]

It’s unkind to keep him around for your own security or because you may feel you can’t do any better or find a better match. He’s already reacted in fear of you leaving and it’s caused you to feel more turned off. 

I hope you’re not serious about continuing this relationship. Both of you deserve better than this. He strikes me as a person with extremely low self-esteem, possibly depressed. He’s not taking care of himself and doesn’t seem inspired to look good. Perhaps he has checked out because he can find no end to the reasons why you find him attractive(despair). 

A healthy person wouldn’t stick around for a second knowing their partner isn’t attracted or has so many issues with them. 

[ExpatInItaly]

6 hours ago, Michelle3 said:

Why am I pushing a good person away?

You aren't "pushing him away." You are not attracted to him and not compatible with him. There is a huge difference. 

 

6 hours ago, Michelle3 said:

I know I can push away a good thing too soon sometimes

This isn't a good thing, though. It's only been 11 months and it's full of problems that have not improved. That is not the basis of a good relationship. 

 

6 hours ago, Michelle3 said:

Can a relationship work without the attraction?

Not in my experience, no. You will always be unhappy and unfulfilled and longing for something more. This will most certainly get worse over time, not better. 

OP, this isn't your guy. It's obvious. Don't let fear of being single lead you to stay with someone you are not into, just for the sake of having a boyfriend. You are already seeing why that doesn't work. 

[elaine567]

7 hours ago, Michelle3 said:

The sex can improve with time

NO, it can't, it usually stays the same or gets worse.
11 months and talking about the issues on six occasions and nothing changed, tells you it all really.
He likes it the way it is.
He has no intention of changing anything.
Accept he will never change or walk away.

Just because he is a "good guy" or perhaps a better guy than your exes, does not mean you have to out up with things you don't like.

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, Michelle3 said:

I struggle with his table manners. 

Ok. It's only 11mos. of dating and you have quite a list of deal breakers.

Instead of teaching him table manners,  etc. be kind and considerate and end it.

You seem almost hateful and contemptuous, not to mention completely disrespectful.

Pull yourself together and date men you can accept.

 

 

[Michelle3]

10 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

What often happens is if we’ve had bad relationships with a certain type of person, we go to the opposite for the next relationship. I suspect this is what’s happened here. You’ve had a few bad experiences with one type of guy, and therefore tried the opposite type to try to avoid getting hurt. 
 

And what’s happened is fairly typical too. You’ve gone from one extreme to the other. What you’re looking for is something in the middle. Keep in mind, you’ll likely try to find someone that gives you the best of both types, however that’s unrealistic. But this guy isn’t a match. If nothing else the sexual incompatibilities will eventually be a deal breaker.

I think this is most probably what I have done. 
My trouble is when I politely express my concerns, he swears that he has a high sex drive, he has just been lazy and messed up and asks me to just give him more time?  I feel I have been so patient over the last year but have heard the same excuses over and over now. I wish he could just be honest and say his sex drive isn’t like mine. I feel he is being selfish by pretending he is like me and keeps me hanging on when I could be happy with someone else? 
I am not insecure or desperate at all. I am just trying to give this man a chance. 
I do everything for him. We don’t live together but I clean his house, I look after his dog, I cook for him and make sure his fridge is always full of food. 
I go down on him and he feels we have a great sex life, but this is not the case for me and explaining this to him makes me feel like a terrible person. He doesn’t reciprocate. I am unhappy yet I feel guilty for having to express this.
He is a lazy lover and I am upset with him for this. He is very good at pretending to be someone he isn’t and I think I just need to accept the differences (for he is who he is and don’t want to change someone). 
My previous partners have always been forward going and confident. Would go down on me every day and we had great fun.
He just seems very insecure.
This is why my initial attraction has just vanished and I don’t want him to touch me anymore because I feel I shouldn't have to keep asking. 
He is a farmer so does work hard when the weathers right, but he is neglecting his relationship and I can’t make that any clearer than I already have. 
I am so frustrated and disappointed. 

Thank you for your reply. 
I know what I have to do. I was just trying to give this one last chance. 
 

 

11 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

What often happens is if we’ve had bad relationships with a certain type of person, we go to the opposite for the next relationship. I suspect this is what’s happened here. You’ve had a few bad experiences with one type of guy, and therefore tried the opposite type to try to avoid getting hurt. 
 

And what’s happened is fairly typical too. You’ve gone from one extreme to the other. What you’re looking for is something in the middle. Keep in mind, you’ll likely try to find someone that gives you the best of both types, however that’s unrealistic. But this guy isn’t a match. If nothing else the sexual incompatibilities will eventually be a deal breaker.

 

[Fox Sake]

13 hours ago, Michelle3 said:

Hello, 

I feel terrible writing this.

I don’t feel attracted to my boyfriend. 

We have only been together for 11 months. He is a gentleman who wants only good for me and to bring good things to my life.  In the past I have had incredibly jealous boyfriends and my new boyfriend is nothing like this, which I love as I am not made to feel like an object. However, i do not find him attractive and i am finding it harder to brush this feeling off. 
For all his positives, I struggle with his table manners. He eats with an open mouth and you can hear this even from another room. Most of his food ends up around his mouth too and as much as I have told him to consider others while eating, he continues to chew very loudly. He has no care for keeping his hair cut/tidy. His only clothes are work clothes, so even when clean they still look unkept. 
Another issue is that I have quite a high/adventurous sex drive. He does not. He says he does but evidently, he is all talk.  I am confident and outgoing in this area and he barely initiates. When he does, he just tries to push himself in and I am so turned off it hurts me for days afterwards.  I have had less sex since being with him than when I was dating. 
I have spoken to my Mum about this and she just says how lovely he is and that I have fallen on my feet to be with him but I don’t feel the connection is there and it is making me feel so unhappy. 
 

I have spoken to my boyfriend about his chewing and taking care of himself. I have spoken at least 6 times about our sex life too. He acknowledges everything and agrees with me yet nothing changes. 
When I mention it again he freaks out thinking I am going to leave, which pushes me away even more because there is so much desperation in his voice it’s not attractive. 
Why am I pushing a good person away? 
The sex can improve with time, this is something I am happy to work through together but the mannerisms and this feeling of not finding him attractive is concerning me.

Has anyone been in this position before or similar?  
I am 31 years old. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life feeling like this but at the same time, I know I can push away a good thing too soon sometimes. 

He is far from my usual type but is a good person.

Can a relationship work without the attraction? 

 

 

 

 

Parents can have a tendency to try and live vicariously through their children. In many different ways. Of course she wants what’s best for you and someone who will treat you correctly, but YOU need to be happy too. 
 

if you’re not attracted to him then that’s a bit of a deal breaker really, for most anyways. You’re sounding like you’re stuck with no choice but to choose being treated right or settle for what you don’t find attractive. That’s not the case. You’re still young.
If you don’t feel anything now then yes, you may grow some sort of attraction through a feeling of companionship eventually, but are you going to be happy with that? No one here can tell you what to do, but they can make you think for yourself  you deserve to be happy so do as you wish to make that happen 

Edit - I’m not going to get into the other things you mentioned because I think they seem like they are a byproduct of incompatibility and the previous paragraph is the focus. 

Edited August 6, 2021 by Fox Sake
Add a bit

[Michelle3]

11 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

No, absolutely not.  I have actually been in a very similar situation.

This is going to end sooner or later.  The only redeeming quality that you say he has, when you really boil it down, is that he's "nice."  You feel bad breaking up with him because he's a good guy and he's "nice."  Well that's not enough, not even close.  This relationship is going to fall apart.  Stop wasting your time and his time, and make a clean break.  You can either end it now, or waste a whole lot more time with him and let this relationship die a slow, drawn-out death.

Thank you for your reply.

I know what I have to do now I was just trying to give this one last chance. 

When I speak with him about my concerns he always says he is exactly like me, he has just been lazy and will sort it out as he doesn’t want to lose me, but I can’t keep going round in circles as nothing changes. 
He is who he is and shouldn’t have to change for anyone. 
We are just incompatible and I think I am just upset and frustrated by it all now. 
 

 

 

[smackie9]

This is simple....the dopamine has worn off, meaning the honeymoon stage has ended. When that happens, you get a good look at what you used to be attracted to, but now those feelings are gone. It's quiet normal for people to break up before the year is out because they don't "feel it" anymore.

When they say "I don't want to lose you" that really means "I don't want to be alone."

Edited August 6, 2021 by smackie9

[ExpatInItaly]

12 minutes ago, Michelle3 said:

He is very good at pretending to be someone he isn’t

Is he really, though?

It doesn't sound like he's even pretending, based on your description. It sounds more like you just want so badly for him to change that you believe the nonsense words he tosses your way.

Edited August 6, 2021 by ExpatInItaly

[Michelle3]

4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Ok. It's only 11mos. of dating and you have quite a list of deal breakers.

Instead of teaching him table manners,  etc. be kind and considerate and end it.

You seem almost hateful and contemptuous, not to mention completely disrespectful.

Pull yourself together and date men you can accept.

 

 

Thank you for your response.

I guess I am frustrated and resentful now. 
I do everything for this man. I cook for him, I clean his house and look after his dog. (I have my own house to do all this with too alongside working 45hours a week plus out of hours work).

He thinks we have a great sex life as I make sure he finishes. But this is not reciprocated. When I ask why, he says he is just being lazy and knows he needs to do more but yet months go by and nothing changes. I have been so patient with this man, understanding and giving. 
He promises me he has a high sex drive but we are completely different in this area and I wish he would just be honest and say his drive is different (this would be fine). Instead he just keeps lying to me to keep me in the hope that things might get better. 
I have already tried twice to end things but he turns up at my house and won’t leave. So I feel a bit trapped. 
I want this to work but he needs to appreciate me and my needs too. 
I have been so respectful, just upset by his lack of respect for me. 
I am here to try get some advise on my situation. Not to ridicule him. 

[Michelle3]

9 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Is he really, though?

It doesn't sound like he's even pretending, based on your description. It sounds more like you just want so badly for him to change that you believe the nonsense words he tosses your way.

Perhaps you are right and I am hoping for something that just won’t happen. 
Thank you for the reality check. 
 

[Michelle3]

11 hours ago, CaliforniaGirl said:

Honey...this will not get better. You'll start resenting him pretty soon. If you're not attracted, you can't force yourself to be. You tried, but this is just not a satisfying match.

Thank you for confirming my thoughts. 
 

[Wiseman2]

22 minutes ago, Michelle3 said:

I do everything for this man. I cook for him, I clean his house and look after his dog. He thinks we have a great sex life as I make sure he finishes. 

Ok. Being a dog sitter, cook, cleaning service and then complaining about it is about you, not him. 

Not being pleased but pleasing him sexually is about you. Complaining, hating and being insincere and fake about caring about him is about you.

As you mentioned, he is who he is and doesn't need to change for anyone.

It's very important to note that dating is a what-you-see-is-what-you-get situation and being a doormat then resenting it  is not a good idea.

[Michelle3]

11 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Ok. Being a dog sitter, cook, cleaning service and then complaining about it is about you, not him. 

Not being pleased but pleasing him sexually is about you. Complaining, hating and being insincere and fake about caring about him is about you.

As you mentioned, he is who he is and doesn't need to change for anyone.

It's very important to note that dating is a what-you-see-is-what-you-get situation and being a doormat then resenting it  is not a good idea.

Dating is definitely not ‘what you see is what you get.’ I have never heard such rubbish in all my life. 
People are very good at acting in the early days and this is what is happening here. I am seeing him now for who he actually is? This is the difference. Not a bad person, just lazy and a tad ignorant of the issues. 
Someone who expects a woman to do everything and will lie when I express  unhappiness to keep me. Frustrating (not hateful). 

There is a certain degree of compromise in any relationship. There just doesn’t seem to be a great deal here. Again, frustrating. (Not hateful). 

I am not hating on him. I am frustrated by him. I haven’t moaned, I have expressed my needs as life without communication will get me no where. Hence the need to talk? 

I am neither insecure. I don’t need a partner to be secure. It’s just nice to have someone. I have my own house, my own car and a decent job. I have enough interest and plenty of friends. I am happy with my life. Just not happy with how selfish he can be. Which i am within my right to feel. 

I am no doormat, just a nice person giving this guy the chance that he has asked for the last 12 years but seems to be messing up? 

The post was to ask if anyone in their relationship has lost attraction before and did they continue the relationship? 


 

[Michelle3]

10 hours ago, glows said:

It’s unkind to keep him around for your own security or because you may feel you can’t do any better or find a better match. He’s already reacted in fear of you leaving and it’s caused you to feel more turned off. 

I hope you’re not serious about continuing this relationship. Both of you deserve better than this. He strikes me as a person with extremely low self-esteem, possibly depressed. He’s not taking care of himself and doesn’t seem inspired to look good. Perhaps he has checked out because he can find no end to the reasons why you find him attractive(despair). 

A healthy person wouldn’t stick around for a second knowing their partner isn’t attracted or has so many issues with them. 

Oh this isn’t about security. 
I don’t need a man to feel secure.

I certainly get enough attention to know I have no concerns about being alone. But this isn’t the issue here. 

My issue is that my boyfriends selfish ways have made him less attractive to me and I wondered whether anyone has remained in a relationship with no attraction? 
 

He is not depressed. He says he has never been so happy and his family absolutely adore us. He is a Farmer so just doesn’t keep clothes kept. His Mum never really stayed in his life while he was young, he lived with his Dad so I feel some of these mannerisms are due to how he has been brought up.

I do feel he is insecure though, you are right there. 

I may seem quite blunt here but I am not this blunt with him. I am aware of his feelings. 
 

 

[glows]

You're asking for examples of situations where people have stayed but this isn't about other people. It's about your predicament or crossroads. If you're committed to the relationship and love him, this wouldn't be a question.. you would love him anyway, flaws, different dress and also for his merits. 

Maybe do some thinking about what keeps you there, what are his good points and do they outweigh the bad ones. You're staying and appear to be searching for inspiration and reasons to stay but I think it's misplaced. You have to look at your own relationship, not others or what other people are doing. 

 

[Miss Spider]

Why would a person , especially one who isn’t married, has kids, or is in some way dependent on the person, stay in the rship if they aren’t attracted to the person or like their personality. Sounds ridiculous 

Edited August 6, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[Noproblem]

Just because he is nice and amazing person, doesn't mean you need to spend the rest of your life with him!

You don't have any obligation to stay with someone you don't like or feel attracted to anymore. 
This will only get worse from now on.. So, just spare him and yourself the waste of time and end it as soon as possible,

You can't just wake up and decide to love someone, you either feel attracted and loving toward someone or not. it's not a switch!

So don't drag it more than it needs to. He has a right to live with someone who loves him and you have a right to live with someone who you feel attracted toward and love him, not disgusted by his eating habits and hygiene. 

Just because you had one bad person and on "good person" as bfs doesn't mean you have to be with either of them, both didn't work for you.. So you end it as amicably as possible and wish them well!

Notice I put quotation marks, because just because he is a good person, doesn't mean he is a good boyfriend! He is  not the one to you, he lacks what is required to make you happy and content!

I read more and it seems he is not a great boyfriend anyway, so you just want to settle for settling, I don't understand??

Edited August 6, 2021 by Noproblem

[Noproblem]

seems like you  have virgo or cancer sign in your sun or moon or rising chart! giving so much, helping so much, and doing so much, but getting so little in return, then you resent silently, you can't stand unhygienic people, lazy or selfish, you can't stand unappreciation and lack of thank you..  but you are too nice to break up and leave.  Having this fix him mentality.

 

No body can be fixed! They are the way they are now, they won't change, but what can change is you leaving them behind! 

 

Edited August 6, 2021 by Noproblem