Relationship Advice

[GuitarDude]

Hello all!

This is my first time posting on this website. While it's so easy for me to want to avoid seeking feedback, I know it's something I need. And, better yet, none of ya'll know me personally, so you can just lay it out there and tell me as it is.

Anyways, I digress. Here's the scoop: My girlfriend and I have been dating since end of February/March of 2020. A BIG part of our relationship had been the long distance aspect. We had been doing the long distance thing (three hour drive) for over a year (from March 2020 until March 2021), and it was going very well! Of course, with the pandemic going on, it made for an interesting dynamic from the very beginning. However, I felt that we were great about keeping things going, whether it be arranging visits, consistent Facebook video, Marco Polo (video text messaging app), exchanging romantic letters, and etc. 

This past spring, she took the bold move and recently moved closer to where I live. I'm extremely aware of how much of a risk is to move to a brand new city, especially in the middle of a strange time for the whole world. The good new is....she has a sister in town (in fact, her sister was the one that set us up). She's helped her out with the living situation and getting a job, so she's not been COMPLETELY alone in the process. I'm incredibly grateful for that. 

Having her in the same city has been awesome, but I'm realizing that it's been challenging at the same time. Recently, I've been realizing (me being selfish) while she says she enjoys affection, she seems to avoid any initiating, even a good morning kiss. I want to be respectful of her boundaries and not over do it and be too needy, but sometimes, it gets me overthinking, especially since she will kiss her cats all the time (hahaha). Even something like holding hands or initiating a snuggle can be a challenge, or a greeting. Heck, I feel like even her saying my name would help. Generally speaking, lately I've been feeling very underappreciated as the partner, which I think has been wearing me out a bit, and as a result, impacting my ability to be present in the relationship. The gifts, random acts of kindness, the support I've tried to throw at her during this process of moving here, doesn't always appear to be appreciated. While I don't give to get back, over this period of time, I'm beginning to realize that it is nice to get an occasional spontaneous gesture from my partner. One thing I will say is...she has said that she tends to communicate better through writing/text than oral communication, even though she is very good with her spoken words. Also, another dynamic with the relationship is that we now live together. And it's a house full of a lot of animals and a lot of clutter, which can lead to some stress (to say the least).

I guess the advice I'm looking for is....what can I do to best support myself and her during this time? I've been honest about not feeling appreciated it times, since I want to be transparent, but I know I can't do that all the time. I want her to feel loved and valued. Of course, I know I won't do it perfectly. But, I'm realizing have to feel valued and loved as well. 

Anyways, thanks for reading. This had been helpful for me to even just write this out, even if no one reads this or responds to it. Haha

[d0nnivain]

You went from LDR to living together?  Bad move.  You needed to date conventionally 1st.  

But here you are.  

Your only recourse at this point is to point blank ask her to initiate  once in a while.  Tell her it would help you feel loved & more secure in the relationship.  Some women don't initiate because they have the old-fashioned notion that it's always the man's role.  i

[GuitarDude]

Sorta. She moved here in March, but I'm only recently moving in. (In the last week or so to be honest). But, it's still not a super long time period of conventional dating.

Thanks for your perspective. 

[Weezy1973]

There’s a pop psych theory about “love languages” basically about how different people feel loved and appreciated differently. For you it might be acts of kindness and physical touch for example, and for her it might be words of affection and time spent together. It’s worth reading about and perhaps having a discussion with her about too.

 

Also, I read somewhere that the vast majority of marriage problems are actually living together problems. Being long distance can hide many of our day to day habits that might otherwise bother the other person. You’ll see that you both have different ideas on what chores are priorities, what level of cleanliness is acceptable etc. just remember it’s not about right or wrong, it’s just different and whether each of you are okay with the other persons differences. And what things each of you can compromise on.

[GuitarDude]

Thanks, Weezy, for the thoughts! Yeah, I'm all about the love language thing. We have talked about it before, but I'm sure we'll get back to talking about it again! I definitely think the words of affection are one of them, for sure. And, this is a really good reminder about the living situation. I know it'll take some time!

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, GuitarDude said:

it gets me overthinking, especially since she will kiss her cats all the time (hahaha). another dynamic with the relationship is that we now live together. And it's a house full of a lot of animals and a lot of clutter, which can lead to some stress (to say the least).

It will take a lot of adjusting.  You seem quite patient and that's all you can do.

Try to find a balance for space (figuratively and literally) which is usually a friction point when moving in together. 

Are we talking about Noah's ark or a few pets?🐄🐖🐏🐐

Are we talking about some stuff crammed into a smaller place or the bathtub piled high with pizza boxes?🗑🍕🛁

PS: you know what they say about cats tongues right?🧻😻

 

[GuitarDude]

Haha, it's not quite Noah's ark, but it is a lot, even for her (they aren't her animals, they are her sister's). It's myself, her, her sister and her sister's partner that live in the house. Kinda a unique situation. But, there's five cats, two dogs, and they also recently got chickens. I never grew up with cats, but I'm starting to get used to them. It's just so easy for them to get lost in the clutter. 

[heavenonearth]

I did the love languages test with my boyfriend and it has helped us both understand and appreciate more the others way of showing love!

It is really helpful! Focus on that and you will see how she is showing you how she loves you, and you will learn to cherish that, too.

For example, my bf and I both have quality time as our shared, biggest love language. That is great, cause we have a lot of fun hanging out together and never get on each others nerves.

However, his second love language is acts of service and mine is physical touch. Before knowing this, I never really noticed HOW MUCH he actually does for me. Now I do and realize that this is his way of showing his love for me. And he knows how much touch is important to me, and he is trying to initiate it more.

It is really a good way to meet somewhere in the middle, once you truly understand the way your partner loves.

[glows]

It’s unlikely this is about you. She just shifted to a new town and started a new job while residing on what sounds like a farm. 

Be patient and give it one year. What is your rental or lease agreement? Is it for one year or month to month? 

Edited August 6, 2021 by glows

[ExpatInItaly]

19 hours ago, GuitarDude said:

've been honest about not feeling appreciated it times, since I want to be transparent

And what was her response?

11 hours ago, GuitarDude said:

It's myself, her, her sister and her sister's partner that live in the house.

Why are you all living together? That's a lot for a relaitonship in which the distance was closed only very recently. The living situation could be straining things, as I'm sure you don't have the same privacy you otherwise would. She might uncomfortable expressing affection with her family around. 

[Wiseman2]

On 8/5/2021 at 4:09 PM, GuitarDude said:

It's myself, her, her sister and her sister's partner that live in the house.  there's five cats, two dogs, and they also recently got chickens.

Sounds too crowded. If you want to be a couple, you'll need your own place. Start looking for something affordable that doesn't strain things this much.

[chillii]

How old are you two she sounds young ?

And yeah that's a helluva set up, and she might also be self conscious and not herself around her sister with you too , and you've only just moved in. lt's gonna take time along with the irritations of living like that too. But if she , or you too for that matter still feel the right stuff you'll also need your own place sooner rather than later for a start.

 

Edited August 8, 2021 by chillii

[GuitarDude]

Wellp, fast forward 9 months, and we've broken up. I suppose you live and learn, eh? Looking back on this situation, it was bound to happen. I'm bummed and a little bit heart broken, but I guess that's what happens in relationships. I think next time, I'm going to have to lean in to my intuition a bit more. I'm better off being alone than feeling alone in a relationship that can't be repaired. 

Another plot twist to the story: she ended up coming out as a lesbian a month later.