When do you decide enough is enough and walk away once and for all

[Nats_16]

Prior to him coming back into my life I was a highly confident happy go lucky independent woman, all this has reduced me to an insecure needy wreck and not half of the woman that I was. I was content in life and now I find happiness in very little as I am consumed by him all of the time, so many questions go round in my head and I do not even know where to begin In becoming who I once was.

[BaileyB]

25 minutes ago, Nats_16 said:

Prior to him coming back into my life I was a highly confident happy go lucky independent woman, all this has reduced me to an insecure needy wreck and not half of the woman that I was. I was content in life and now I find happiness in very little as I am consumed by him all of the time, so many questions go round in my head and I do not even know where to begin In becoming who I once was.

Do you have a counsellor?

I found myself in your position once. It was a hard and very lonely time in my life. I did a lot of walking and thinking… One day I asked myself the question - When was the last time that I felt happy? I thought about what was happening in my life at that time that brought me happiness. And then, I set about getting back to those things… Just a thought. Think about that girl - who was she, what was she doing, what brought her joy? That’s what you need to be doing again. 

Edited July 24, 2021 by BaileyB

[Nats_16]

I don’t have a counsellor but I have family and friends who know about my situation and will help me through it. I am having a weak moment but I am going to come out of this ten times stronger. I want someone who can see my value and wants to be in a real life relationship with me. I have just told him to leave me alone to get on with my life. Onwards and upwards.

[BaileyB]

8 minutes ago, Nats_16 said:

I am having a weak moment but I am going to come out of this ten times stronger. I want someone who can see my value and wants to be in a real life relationship with me.

I believe it! 

Your path to finding a good partner for yourself will begin when YOU see your value. Your expectations will rise and you will accept nothing less…

8 minutes ago, Nats_16 said:

I have just told him to leave me alone to get on with my life.

It’s a great first step!

I would suggest that you develop a mantra - so that when he comes around again making more promises, you have something prepared to tell yourself - “When his words and his actions are not consistent, pay attention to his actions. Remember, it’s been four years of empty promises - I will not waste another day.” And, when your mind wanders to him, have a way to redirect your attention - “I have wasted four years of my life on this dead end relationship. I want more for my life.” I’m going to do… (redirect your thoughts - thoughts of him will come through your mind, it doesn’t mean you have to stay there and focus on them). Good luck! 

Edited July 24, 2021 by BaileyB

[glows]

1 hour ago, Nats_16 said:

I don’t have a counsellor but I have family and friends who know about my situation and will help me through it. I am having a weak moment but I am going to come out of this ten times stronger. I want someone who can see my value and wants to be in a real life relationship with me. I have just told him to leave me alone to get on with my life. Onwards and upwards.

That’s the spirit. You can get back on your feet again. Many people have felt lost and broken. Pick yourself back up and insist on nothing less than what you want. Start with the basics - eat well, sleep well, be healthy (mentally and physically). You’ll grow stronger and start to thrive and want more for yourself. Don’t underestimate the stress your body is under too. If you were confident, happy go lucky and confident once, you can do it again. You’re not going to forget how to do that completely. That’s part of who you are. 

[torn_heart]

9 hours ago, Nats_16 said:

As shameful as it is I foolishly fell in love with a childhood sweetheart. He came back into my life almost four years ago whilst he had a fiancée. Long story short we have been having a full blown affair with 3 D-days until he ended the relationship with his fiancée back in February. Since then they continue to live together and he has told me he is trying to get another mortgage and buy her out as he wants a future with me, he tells me he loves me and wants his life with me. He has not introduced me to friends or family, will not associate with me on any social media, does not stay over at my place, we can not spend nights away, when we go out is has to be out of his area he lives in. I repeatedly tell him that I am not happy with how slow he is doing things and he tells me to be patient as he promises me I will get what I want from him once the house is sorted. Please please offer advice as I am going out of my mind. Each and every day now we argue and I feel such bitterness towards him for dragging the whole thing out this long. Surely if he wanted to be with me he would move heaven and earth to make it so.

How slow has he been doing things?

[Applemint]

6 hours ago, Nats_16 said:

I don’t have a counsellor but I have family and friends who know about my situation and will help me through it. I am having a weak moment but I am going to come out of this ten times stronger. I want someone who can see my value and wants to be in a real life relationship with me. I have just told him to leave me alone to get on with my life. Onwards and upwards.

Stay strong lovely. I'm glad you have a good support system. It's time to put yourself first. 

There's a few similarities between your situation and how my recently ended relationship started, so I just want to share. He convinced me their relationship was over before anything happened between us, and even showed me proof of them sleeping separately. Made out he couldn't move out yet due to financial reasons (mortgage and other debts). Eventually he did move out. But roll forward a bit more than another year, and it turns out his announcement about moving out was a massive shock to her. They weren't separated at that time. And they've been rekindling things more recently whilst he was also talking about building a life with me. We (me and her) were both heartbroken to find out what was going on and the extent of his lies/deceit, but 2 days later he moved back in with her, and less than a month later they were engaged again!!! 

My takeaway from the past few years is... Trust your instincts - don't trust anybody who is still living with somebody else unless both parties are very open about the situation. Trust your gut and don't overlook red flags. 

And lastly, don't make my mistake. I broke it off a few times whilst waiting for him to move out, but I also still wanted to be friends. Bad move - that's how he kept reeling me back in. In hindsight, I really didn't need his friendship. 

 

 

 

[torn_heart]

10 hours ago, Nats_16 said:

I can tell that he does have feelings for me but I think they are not strong enough to make any kind of sacrifice for. I have said to him that he should just come clean with his fiancée/ex and deal with the consequences but he will not do that. 

How long has he been with his fiancee?

[HadMeOverABarrel]

10 hours ago, Nats_16 said:

Prior to him coming back into my life I was a highly confident happy go lucky independent woman, all this has reduced me to an insecure needy wreck and not half of the woman that I was. I was content in life and now I find happiness in very little as I am consumed by him all of the time, so many questions go round in my head and I do not even know where to begin In becoming who I once was.

Who you were before him is what attracted him. Who you are now is a result of knowing him. What exactly does he add to your life? Clearly, the answer is not that he makes you a better version of yourself. You said it here: he makes you an "insecure needy wreck and not half the woman that I was."  Really think about this. 

Never invite or keep someone in your life who doesn't make you a better version of yourself.  I believe this speaks to how he relates to you, not just the affair circumstances. This would not improve if you had him all to yourself (assuming he wouldn't cheat on you also).

Time to choose. Who is it going to be? You? or Him? 

Who's got YOUR back? You? Him? or right now, perhaps neither? Empower yourself by taking charge of this situation by saying NO MORE! He knows how to find you if he ever manages to get himself together.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

10 hours ago, BaileyB said:

Do you have a counsellor?

I found myself in your position once. It was a hard and very lonely time in my life. I did a lot of walking and thinking… One day I asked myself the question - When was the last time that I felt happy? I thought about what was happening in my life at that time that brought me happiness. And then, I set about getting back to those things… Just a thought. Think about that girl - who was she, what was she doing, what brought her joy? That’s what you need to be doing again. 

Love this! 😍

[NYAG]

20 hours ago, Nats_16 said:

As shameful as it is I foolishly fell in love with a childhood sweetheart. He came back into my life almost four years ago whilst he had a fiancée. Long story short we have been having a full blown affair with 3 D-days until he ended the relationship with his fiancée back in February. Since then they continue to live together and he has told me he is trying to get another mortgage and buy her out as he wants a future with me, he tells me he loves me and wants his life with me. He has not introduced me to friends or family, will not associate with me on any social media, does not stay over at my place, we can not spend nights away, when we go out is has to be out of his area he lives in. I repeatedly tell him that I am not happy with how slow he is doing things and he tells me to be patient as he promises me I will get what I want from him once the house is sorted. Please please offer advice as I am going out of my mind. Each and every day now we argue and I feel such bitterness towards him for dragging the whole thing out this long. Surely if he wanted to be with me he would move heaven and earth to make it so.

Enough is enough when he makes it clear he doesn't want anyone else to know you exist. You should have reached your breaking point a long time ago. All this is red flags that his previous relationship is far from over and you are the bit on the side.

[Nats_16]

@Applemint thank you for your message. There are similarities between our stories, how did you both find out that he was telling you one thing and her another? My gut tells me that he will make amends at home and that they will continue to get married etc.

[Beentheretoooften]

If it’s just about the house they should sell it and just split the money.  Buying her out?  If he can’t do it now, what makes anyone think he will be able to In a week? Month? Year?  Is he playing the lottery?

[Bonifidelifelover]

On 7/24/2021 at 8:10 AM, Nats_16 said:

After the d days he was kicked out Into the spare room and has been there since. They no longer go out together and seem to live fairly separate lives, his excuse for not telling her or anyone about me is because he is worried she will not play ball when it comes to the house? 

I’ve heard this spare room but one too many times. & I can bet if u talked to her she’s be clueless to anything he has said to u. Something tells me they’re together still & ur chasing the carrot 

[pepperbird2]

op,

 please pay close attention to how he's treating his wife. How he's going behind her back, how he's disrespecting her every day, how he's perfectly willing to put her mental, physical and emotional health at risk so he can have his "me" time with you.

I'm not pointing that out to garner empathy or sympathy for her, it's to show you how he treats the people in his life. If the way he treats her and they way he treats you is his "best behaviour", I'd hate to see his worst.

[Prudence V]

On 7/24/2021 at 6:26 PM, Nats_16 said:

Prior to him coming back into my life I was a highly confident happy go lucky independent woman, all this has reduced me to an insecure needy wreck and not half of the woman that I was.

That’s not sustainable. Kill this R. Even if he does follow through, bad practices have been established which will be hard to break in the future. 
 

Let him sort his s*** out. Once he’s done, has recovered his agency and regrown his testicles, let him find you and try for a proper R if you’re still available and interested. But holding his hand because she keeps his balls in her handbag while he begs her please, please to let him get on with his life is never going to work out for you. 
 

 

[Birdies]

Tell him to contact you with proof when he's moved out via a letter.  Then block him on all your devices, email, phone, FB, etc.  He'll get in touch with you if he really wants to... but you maybe will be moved on by then.

[torn_heart]

Agree, he has to be absolutley clear that the only way that he can contact you is if he is out. I don't know if block him, but just always ask him when he contacts you if he is out and to give you proof.

[Allupinnit]

Girl they never broke up - the fact that he can't stay out for the night tells you that.  She wants him home because he's her FIANCE.

If he really wanted to he could force the sale of the home, he doesn't need her permission to do that.  So he's full of crap.  

[Allupinnit]

And seriously why wouldn't they WANT to be selling right now, esp if they're broken up?  It's MISERABLE living with someone after a breakup.  And the market right now is HOT for sellers, most offers in my area are going with no inspections and up to 40 offers (some all cash). 

Be done with this loser and his fiancé he can't get away from.