I keep losing friendship opportunities. It's really getting me down

[FMW]

It's  possible to have space and freedom and still be a good friend.  My friends (and my guy) know I need a certain amount of time alone, but they also know when they need me I'll  be there.  That's  because I've communicated that to them, I never block or ignore.  If I'm feeling the need to disconnect for a day, I let them know that. They seem to accept it without much problem, but again, I think that's  because they know if they really need me I'll be available.  

[Pumpernickel]

Ok this is interesting. You’re in your late 20s? Honest question(s): Do you feel emotionally/mentally stable? When I read your posts I sometimes feel like you’re not able to be empathetic. And a little (a lot??) self-absorbed. Do you have ADHD? Please forgive me if I’m completely off here, but after reading this thread right here, and about the blocking incident, I’m like “Whaaaattt???” - Who does that??? That’s so tone-deaf…. 
You can silence a particular caller, unfollow someone on SM, suspend text message alerts for certain people, etc etc (the tech options here are basically endless 😂😂)  ——- but blocking? That’s so thoughtless & rude (I hope I’m not coming off as too harsh, but I kind of can’t believe what I’m reading here so that’s why I’m asking and commenting). No wonder these people don’t want to be your friends. Also it’s very inappropriate to just reach out to them again and ask to hang out after blocking them, just because it suits you now. And then be disappointed that they won’t be available? That’s so tone-deaf, it’s almost comical. So that’s why I’m asking.

BUT: Yes, I do believe that friendships are really really difficult to form after a certain age has been reached. But I think if you do it right, you’ll be flourishing in your new city. You’re still young enough. You’re probably not even 30 yet. That’s not an age where new friends are too hard to find. Especially if the city is bigger, because there will be a lot of meetup groups, young professionals just like you, without spouses&kids (yet) ……. Just don’t move to the ‘burbs!!! And be kind!! And thoughtful. And a good listener! 

[basil67]

Following on from @Pumpernickel, and I say this very kindly, I too have noticed numerous examples where you've been unable to understand how your actions and choices could affect others.  It's as if you are working on the theory that if it wouldn't upset you, then it's fine to do to someone else.  But human relationships aren't nearly that simple.

Also, I think it's very unusual to need to not speak to (block) friends for a substantial amount of time because you're busy studying.  What it is about their contact which you find overwhelming?  And are you able to talk to/date men during this time?

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, FMW said:

 

It's  possible to have space and freedom and still be a good friend.  My friends (and my guy) know I need a certain amount of time alone, but they also know when they need me I'll  be there.  That's  because I've communicated that to them, I never block or ignore. 

I second his. Both my partner and myself will communicate the need to have a little time to ourselves when needed. It is possible to be in a relationship and still have a healthy boundary for yourself. That’s part of what we all learn when we have relationships - how not to lose yourself, how to assert yourself with the other person such that both your needs are met. 

Quote

“Sucking it up” and doing things you don’t want to do at times is part of the compromise in any type of relationship with others. 

Yes, relationships require compromise. But - most would not see this as “sucking it up” in that you are having to sacrifice and do things you don’t want to do… Can you consider that you are making an investment into the relationship - I love my partner so I do things sometimes that I don’t want to do because I want him to be happy. I’m making an investment in the relationship - that will be returned to me when he does something kind for me or something that he does not want to do. The trick is - not to be in a relationship where you are always giving, you are always being asked to do things that you don’t want to do and you are not getting anything in return. That is an unhealthy situation. 

2 hours ago, basil67 said:

Also, I think it's very unusual to need to not speak to (block) friends for a substantial amount of time because you're busy studying.  What it is about their contact which you find overwhelming? 

Also my question. Does it make you anxious when relationships grow closer and people put expectations on you? Do you have difficulty managing the stress of school and a relationship/friendship? 

Edited August 11, 2021 by BaileyB

[Cookiesandough]

2 hours ago, FMW said:

It's  possible to have space and freedom and still be a good friend.  My friends (and my guy) know I need a certain amount of time alone, but they also know when they need me I'll  be there.  That's  because I've communicated that to them, I never block or ignore.  If I'm feeling the need to disconnect for a day, I let them know that. They seem to accept it without much problem, but again, I think that's  because they know if they really need me I'll be available.  

Disconnect for a day, try like a week or month. I mean I guess some people are OK with it because I do have really close friends but only a few(4 or 5) they’re just use to it by now.
and I guess they know if they are REALLY needed me, I’d be there. Trying to change because I know it will open me up to more friendship opportunity

 

The person I blocked I wasn’t trying to play a game with, I did not even know they could see that I block them, I was seriously just overwhelmed by the amount that they were asking me to hang out and over and over again after I had repeatedly said maybe then yes then  canceled again and again and again so it was just like an easy way to get out of it. I understand not the best way

Edited August 11, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[poppyfields]

cookies, I feel very overwhelmed by people too sometimes, friends, family, I mean it can really be exhausting sometimes!  

Like for example, one of my brothers has cancer, he's had it for years, and whenever he calls me, I'm always so emotionally exhausted after we talk, sometimes I will even cry.

I often think of avoiding his call because of this, but THEN I think of him and how he must be feeling so I step out of my own little comfort zone and I make the effort to talk and listen to him.  I will call him too, even when I don't want to.

It's the same with a couple of my friends.   I see a text come in and I'm like, ugh, I really didn't want to talk to anyone tonight, I'd rather chill and watch a movie or whatever.

But then I think of HER and that she's wanting to talk to me, maybe something happened and she's feeling badly, so once again I step out of my little comfort zone of wanting to be ALONE and I make the effort.  Same for when they want to get together when I'd prefer to be alone, but I make the effort.

What happens is I often feel REALLY good about myself after doing these things, and it can snowball into you wanting to do other things for people, like volunteering at a crisis center or homeless shelter, and doing that has the effect of making you feel really good about yourself too, it's almost like a high!

It's actually a documented fact that helping others raises self-esteem!

We have become some a self-centered society, me, me, me and while it's good to be selfish sometimes, it also sometimes has the effect of making you feel like utter crap about yourself (speaking personally), which unconsciously drives you even further into the zone of self-centeredness and introversion.

It can become a vicious cycle that might even lead to depression and other mental health issues.

 

Edited August 11, 2021 by poppyfields

[basil67]

39 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

The person I blocked I wasn’t trying to play a game with, I did not even know they could see that I block them, I was seriously just overwhelmed by the amount that they were asking me to hang out and over and over again after I had repeatedly said maybe then yes then  canceled again and again and again so it was just like an easy way to get out of it. I understand not the best way

Sweetie, this wasn't just "not the best way" this was absolutely appalling behaviour.  Did it not occur to you at the time that your actions were shockingly bad?

Assuming that you wanted them in your life, a far more ethical way to deal with this would have been to say "I'd love to catch up with you but am overwhelmed with study at present.  Semester ends (date) can we catch up during the break?  What stopped you from doing this instead?

[glows]

53 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

Disconnect for a day, try like a week or month. I mean I guess some people are OK with it because I do have really close friends but only a few(4 or 5) they’re just use to it by now.
and I guess they know if they are REALLY needed me, I’d be there. Trying to change because I know it will open me up to more friendship opportunity

 

The person I blocked I wasn’t trying to play a game with, I did not even know they could see that I block them, I was seriously just overwhelmed by the amount that they were asking me to hang out and over and over again after I had repeatedly said maybe then yes then  canceled again and again and again so it was just like an easy way to get out of it. I understand not the best way

Was that person aware of what’s going on in your life? You’re in your twenties? People are constantly coming and going in droves especially during that time. Be selective about your company. Choose meaningful friendships but let go of ones that are a drain. 

[BaileyB]

46 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

cookies, I feel very overwhelmed by people too sometimes, friends, family, I mean it can really be exhausting sometimes!  

I agree. Covid has been a nice break for me! 

That said, life is about relationships, in many ways. A life without some form of social interaction and connecting with others is very lonely indeed. So like everything - I tend to think it is about balance.

[ASG]

On 8/10/2021 at 4:54 AM, Cookiesandough said:

 Also, I understand the blocking is weird but I am very conflict adverse at times and sometimes I’m too embarrassed to confront a situation

Just to clarify here that the blocking isn't just "weird". 

You say you're conflict averse, but, to me, and to most people I know, a block is a nuclear bomb of "I HATE YOU AND NEVER EVER EVER WANT TO SEE OR SPEAK TO YOU EVER AGAIN". 

So you didn't really avoid the conflict... I mean, sure, you didn't actually said it to their faces, but you did, with your actions. 

But also... ignoring, or saying yes and constantly cancelling... If I was on the other end, I'd not be hanging about. And it's doubtful I'd be receptive if you reached out whenever it suited you. 

I don't speak to my friends every day. Hell, some friends I don't even speak to every year! But if one of us reaches out, we know the other person is not going to ignore, and we'll book something for the near future. Then we might not speak for another 6 months or so! 

There needs to be a balance. Life is busy for every one. And then there's our need for personal time and space. We all have it, even extroverts! But ignoring people or constantly cancelling is a sure fire way of alienating anyone you intend on building a friendship with. 

[Beachead]

Hey Cookies,

It's normal for the social life to change as you get older.  Most people in their 20's have the privilege of meeting hordes of new people in College or University to the addition of their pre-existing grade school friends, family friends, neighbours or other friends they met along the way. 

But as people start relationships, get married and/or have kids, pursue their career aspirations, chase dreams, and generally discover who they are, they may drift off. So that big social life we once had, will shrink down to a handful of people..maybe just one.

So the way you meet people after that will change.  You're also changing as well and figuring out who you are and those changes you make will be reflected in the company you will eventually choose to keep.  The more you grow to know yourself, the more accurately you will choose who is best for you..and that translates to better friendships.

It's an adjustment for sure..

I think this is a natural course of life and it can help us bring perspective about the truth of relationships and the qualities in people that actually matter, such as patience which can help us get a more realistic idea of what we want.

Just an observation..your behaviour with your friends and your general approach to dating and relationships seems to scream of unreliability.  It hurts your chances of having anything meaningful with anyone, because not only will you push people away, but they may not want to get close to you.  I can see it bothers you so if that's the case, don't call yourself "Conflict Averse",  as if that's all you'll ever be.  Maybe that's who you are today, but that doesn't have to be tomorrow.  People can change if they want to.  All that's required is willpower and discipline to work through it.  Put the responsibility back into your hands.

- Beach

 

Edited August 11, 2021 by Beachead

[Kamille]

Different take: you say you have 4-5 friends in your life who understand your need for space. That's a good number of friends. In your shoes, I would nurture those friendships: invite them out, be there for them, practice being more assertive (less conflict avoidant) with them. 

I can somewhat relate to your conflict avoidance. Do you see a therapist? Have you investigated why you have such a fear of conflict and engulfment? You can most definitely work on being more assertive. The quality of your relationships and friendships will improve as a result. Please don't see conflict avoidance as a fixed trait of yours. 

 

[poppyfields]

4 hours ago, ASG said:

I don't speak to my friends every day. Hell, some friends I don't even speak to every year! But if one of us reaches out, we know the other person is not going to ignore, and we'll book something for the near future. Then we might not speak for another 6 months or so! 

This is such a great point!  And I'm the same with friends from back east when I moved to cali.  

My best friend and I talked maybe once or twice a year!  When we did it was like no time passed. 

When you have a true connection, it doesn't just disappear because you don't talk. It's still there, but from a distance. 

They are still with you in spirit, and when you talk, again it's like no time passed.  

That to me is what a true friendship is, and they're often more solid and long lasting than acquaintances you talk and see every day. 

Edited August 11, 2021 by poppyfields

[Cookiesandough]

5 hours ago, Beachead said:

Maybe that's who you are today, but that doesn't have to be tomorrow.  People can change if they want to.  All that's required is willpower and discipline to work through it.  Put the responsibility back into your hands.

- Beach

 

Thank you 🙏 

3 hours ago, Kamille said:

Different take: you say you have 4-5 friends in your life who understand your need for space. That's a good number of friends. In your shoes, I would nurture those friendships: invite them out, be there for them, practice being more assertive (less conflict avoidant) with them. 

 

 

Ty yea I’m going to see roadrunner today with my friend. The problem is I don’t have much in common with these old friends anymore and I will most likely be moving soon. Thank you. 
 

 

——

Thank you all. You  have all giving me something to consider and I appreciate it 

Edited August 11, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[Cookiesandough]

I am going to be honest with you and tell you guys I did cancel the movie tonight.  I just didn’t want to get ready so early.I’ll probably still go out tonight with a new guy I met through my ex and started chatting with on fb. 
 

and we’re off to a great start 🙄 

 

I fail so hard 

Edited August 11, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[Happy Lemming]

3 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

I did cancel the movie tonight.

 

So it was a movie... I had to look that up.

When you said "Roadrunner"... I was thinking was she talking about the car, the actual real life bird or the new Anthony Bourdain movie??

[basil67]

It sounds almost like you're doing the friendship version of that thing where one wants to end a romantic relationship, so they act in a way that they will get dumped.  

If you no longer value the friends, just keep doing what you're doing.  They'll move on from you and you won't have to worry about it anymore.

Edited August 11, 2021 by basil67

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, Cookiesandough said:

I just didn’t want to get ready so early.I’ll probably still go out tonight with a new guy.

Sometimes friends and lovers are like crystal wine glasses. Those people need to find each other. They're golden.

Then there's friends and lovers who are nothing more than disposable paper cups.

That's ok. With the disposable format there's always some new paper cups handy to toss when you're done with them.

[ASG]

3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sometimes friends and lovers are like crystal wine glasses. Those people need to find each other. They're golden.

Then there's friends and lovers who are nothing more than disposable paper cups.

That's ok. With the disposable format there's always some new paper cups handy to toss when you're done with them.

While I do agree, the problem is that, from what I've gathered, Cookie is not finding either the crystal wine glasses or the disposable paper cups. 

Or she's treating the crystal glasses as paper cups and not being able to replace them. 

She made this thread about how se struggles to make friends and even keep the friends she eventually makes, admitting she treats them like S***, but instead of trying to change her behaviour, she's just doing exactly what she's always done. 

“The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."  I feel this is very appropriate here. 

[Alpacalia]

13 hours ago, Happy Lemming said:

So it was a movie... I had to look that up.

When you said "Roadrunner"... I was thinking was she talking about the car, the actual real life bird or the new Anthony Bourdain movie??

I thought the same thing too.

Cookiesandough please post back and let us know how the date went.

[Cookiesandough]

Thank you, everyone.
 

yeah the Anthony Bourdain movie. 

 

and yea I realize that I messed up and I will lose friendships if I keep it up. I am not going to do it again. 
 

I’m not sure I 100% understand  the paper cup analogy. Likening people to paper cups is a bit bizarre to me. I would never see anyone as disposable.  
 

The date last night was weird. I wasn’t into him at all. I just don’t think the attraction or the connection was there for me. So no I will not be seeing him again 

 

Thank you again !! 

Edited August 12, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[BaileyB]

25 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

I’m not sure I 100% understand  the paper cup analogy. Likening people to paper cups is a bit bizarre to me. I would never see anyone as disposable.  

You may not see people as being disposable, but you treat them as if they are disposable. By cancelling plans and/or blocking people so casually with little consideration for their feelings, it certainly feels as if you are behaving as though these people are disposable - to you. 

5 hours ago, ASG said:

she's treating the crystal glasses as paper cups and not being able to replace them. 

This seems to be very appropriate, it seems to be exactly what you are doing. 

[glows]

1 hour ago, Cookiesandough said:

Thank you, everyone.
 

yeah the Anthony Bourdain movie. 

 

and yea I realize that I messed up and I will lose friendships if I keep it up. I am not going to do it again. 
 

I’m not sure I 100% understand  the paper cup analogy. Likening people to paper cups is a bit bizarre to me. I would never see anyone as disposable.  
 

The date last night was weird. I wasn’t into him at all. I just don’t think the attraction or the connection was there for me. So no I will not be seeing him again 

 

Thank you again !! 

I think you’ve emphasized numerous times you will not block or treat people this way again. We all have things to learn and grow from. Nobody is perfect.

I’m sorry to hear about the date. Most first meets are not a match. I would delete the contact and continue on.

[Trail Blazer]

On 7/24/2021 at 5:19 AM, Cookiesandough said:

I’m  kind of feeling it down about something. I have a lot of “friends” but not a real good solid group of friends I have a lot in common with. I have about 4 friends from grade/high school that I am still good with, but we have nothing in common.

So I’ve been trying to reach out to make friends but one thing I notice is that I am very inconsistent. I effed up my friendships with quite a few people to the point with they don’t even speak to me anymore. I’ve reached out to them and they just ignore me . I can’t even be mad because I was ignoring them for months and months when they were reaching out, I just come back when I want to talk to them? Why would they talk to me?
 

This just sucks so hard. I’m getting to an age now where friendship is getting harder to find. I’m also running out of circles that I want to belong to that have people I haven’t burnt bridges with… 

 

i’ll probably be moving to a bigger city ( not my choice, but for a job when I grad) And I’ll have to start all over from scratch. There was one girl I knew that I could have been friends with and I effed it up really bad. I completely ignored her and I blocked her everywhere because I was overwhelmed/busy at the time( I’m learning my lesson that this isn’t an acceptable way to cope). I think she saw that I blocked her so she blocked me back and then she never talked to me again even though I apologized to her. So yeah, I’ll have 0 friends when I get there. What do 

Friendships are harder to make as you get older.  I moved to a new state when I was 20 so I left all my old friends behind.  I used to catch up with them as I'd come back home to visit mom, but as time went on my old friends either moved away themselves, or the friendships dissipated.

I did make new friends when I moved to a new city, but I've found over time that those friendships have come and gone.  Most of the current friends I still see live on the other side of town, so I don't see them as much as I would like.  Logistically it's difficult, so to is the fact that most of them have kids as well.

I do feel like the biggest nail in the coffin for friendships for mine has been Covid-19.  With all the lockdowns, it's changed the dynamic of everything.  Sure, things have since opened up now that a large proportion of us have been vaccinated, but months of lockdowns have taken their toll.  I find some of my friends have since become more reclusive.

I have also lost a few friends due to SM.  Some of the ridiculous misinformation that's been spread by people, and by some people who I did not expect to fall so far down that rabbit hole, has been disappointing and surprising.

These days I have different goals, too, and have found that having less to do with friends or being lese socially interactive has helped my savings.  My girlfriend and I are saving for a house, so we're just happy to go out less and save more.  Since, thankfully, Covid has not affected either of our incomes throughout the entire pandemic, it has been a good opportunity to do so.

I hope that in time things change for you, as I hope that my 'freindship stasis' doesn't remain.  I am a very social person and I like having friends to spend time with, but I also find that the disillusionment that many people cause me makes me constantly re-evaluate whether it's worth having people around.

As they say, good friends are hard to find.