QuietRiot Posted July 22, 2021 Posted July 22, 2021 I had met this woman recently that moved to the area. Very attractive, late 40s (me the same age), never married no kids (indeed a unicorn there, lol) We met online, and we really connected via our chat. She mentioned how sweet engaging I was. And was pretty good about mentioning how much she liked taste in music and other things (that's a first) She actually asked ME out for coffee. Even had a great time at the coffee shop. I asked for her number and she gave it to me. Later on, we chatted a little via text, then I asked her to dinner and a movie. She responded with "if feels nice that you want to get to know me better and it sounds fun, but also..romantic. She said she's not interested in dating. That she ended a relationship recently when she moved here and when she TRIED to dip her toes in the dating pool...she did not like it. She said she would rather focus on building her client base and herself for now...then responds with, "still interested?" Meaning, still interested in a dinner and movie. So it wasn't an outright rejection, because...most women wouldn't be up for meeting with me in any capacity and it would be an outright rejection...and she didn't use the "f" (friend word) or "going out as friends...so...I did agree to meet...but would I be wasting my time, should I spend time with her seeing that since we clicked so well...that she could form an attachment to me over time (considering that's how some relationships develop?)
Blind-Sided Posted July 22, 2021 Posted July 22, 2021 Well.............. I guess I'm confused by the first part. You said "Met on-line"... I'm assuming a dating site? If that's the case... and she really wasn't interested in dating... then why was she on the site to begin with? I guess if my line of thinking is right... then she may not really be interested in you, but she is too polite to say. But then again... late 40's, never married.... then there could be issues with her, and commitment. If she is nice... I guess I would lower my expectations... and say... "Yes, I'm still interested." When I was dating... I like to just get out of the house sometimes. 3
Author QuietRiot Posted July 22, 2021 Author Posted July 22, 2021 18 minutes ago, Blind-Sided said: Well.............. I guess I'm confused by the first part. You said "Met on-line"... I'm assuming a dating site? If that's the case... and she really wasn't interested in dating... then why was she on the site to begin with? I guess if my line of thinking is right... then she may not really be interested in you, but she is too polite to say. But then again... late 40's, never married.... then there could be issues with her, and commitment. If she is nice... I guess I would lower my expectations... and say... "Yes, I'm still interested." When I was dating... I like to just get out of the house sometimes. Actually, it was via mutual friends on social media. Sorry I didn't clarify 1
clia Posted July 22, 2021 Posted July 22, 2021 When she met you in person at the coffee shop, she did not feel a romantic connection. But she's new to the area, is looking to build her client base, and seems to think you are a nice guy, so she is still willing to see you as friends, at least for now. It's an outright rejection in terms of dating or future romance. (As Blind-Sided said, she's on a dating site -- of course she's looking to date someone.) If that's what you are looking for then yes, you will be wasting your time with her. 2
Author QuietRiot Posted July 22, 2021 Author Posted July 22, 2021 5 minutes ago, clia said: When she met you in person at the coffee shop, she did not feel a romantic connection. But she's new to the area, is looking to build her client base, and seems to think you are a nice guy, so she is still willing to see you as friends, at least for now. It's an outright rejection in terms of dating or future romance. (As Blind-Sided said, she's on a dating site -- of course she's looking to date someone.) If that's what you are looking for then yes, you will be wasting your time with her. It wasn't a dating site...was via social media..an outdoors/hiking group
ExpatInItaly Posted July 22, 2021 Posted July 22, 2021 2 hours ago, QuietRiot said: So it wasn't an outright rejection, because...most women wouldn't be up for meeting with me in any capacity and it would be an outright rejection What you have to understand about us ladies is that we often have trouble being direct and saying "no, let's just be friends." But what she told you means the same thing. Her invitation to hang out is likely not really a sincere one. It's her very indirect way of Friend-Zoning you.
d0nnivain Posted July 22, 2021 Posted July 22, 2021 2 hours ago, QuietRiot said: So it wasn't an outright rejection, because...most women wouldn't be up for meeting with me in any capacity and it would be an outright rejection...and she didn't use the "f" (friend word) or "going out as friends...so...I did agree to meet...but would I be wasting my time, should I spend time with her seeing that since we clicked so well...that she could form an attachment to me over time (considering that's how some relationships develop?) No she is not likely to form a romantic attachment to you over time after spending time together. She is closed off to romance but is willing to be your friend even though she did not use the word. Go if you really want to see the movie. 1
Wiseman2 Posted July 22, 2021 Posted July 22, 2021 2 hours ago, QuietRiot said: So it wasn't an outright rejection It sounds like she's making friends, "building her client base" and using the "not ready to date" reason to put this in the friendzone. If you enjoy her company, friendship etc., that's fine, but this won't turn into a dating situation. 2
chillii Posted July 22, 2021 Posted July 22, 2021 Yeah wth is a client base though, who calls friends a client base ? Anyway op yep unfortunately agreeing with the others.She's just not seeing you in that way . lf you don't mind friends ok but yeah , that's as far as it's going l'd say. 1
Pumpernickel Posted July 22, 2021 Posted July 22, 2021 You never know what will develop out of a friendship. Right now, she seems to like you enough to hang out occasionally, which isn’t a bad thing. For some women, when they really like somebody’s personality, and the conversation flows well, etc., and they have a few things in common with the guy, and there’s mutual interest and respect, more feelings can develop later. I’ve experienced this. I think a friendship can be a solid basis for more. I am sure that building a business & moving to a completely new place is exhausting, and there’s not much time left to focus on a relationship. I don’t know….. I can relate to her somewhat. She might warm up to you later. I agree, though, that right now she’s not feeling it yet. 2
jspice Posted July 22, 2021 Posted July 22, 2021 2 hours ago, clia said: When she met you in person at the coffee shop, she did not feel a romantic connection. But she's new to the area, is looking to build her client base, and seems to think you are a nice guy, so she is still willing to see you as friends, at least for now. It's an outright rejection in terms of dating or future romance. This. Plus, depending on the demographic he could be a potential client and/ or networking connection since she’s new to the area. She didn’t feel any romantic connection on your coffee date
smackie9 Posted July 22, 2021 Posted July 22, 2021 (edited) She met you and now she's giving you the song and dance. next her. Think about it....if you set aside all the gibberish and just hear "I not interested in dating" ...what are the results right? It's a no brainer. Edited July 22, 2021 by smackie9 3
mark clemson Posted July 22, 2021 Posted July 22, 2021 6 hours ago, QuietRiot said: I had met this woman recently that moved to the area. Very attractive, late 40s (me the same age), never married no kids (indeed a unicorn there, lol) Indeed - but, is this the "right" kind of unicorn here? It sounds likely she's attractive, single and childless due to either life choices to be single and childless or issues (such as emotional instability or avoidant attachment) that make it difficult for her to stay in LTRs. The two can go hand-in-hand - is it a "choice" or "who she is" etc? The "work on myself" line is also a yellow flag (IMO) - she really is still working on herself at 40? What was she doing at 30? I could easily be wrong about all this, and by all means give this a fair shot. But also do look this gift horse unicorn in the mouth and keep your hopes/expectations moderated. I suspect there's a > 50% chance she's in her current state either by choice or because she has significant trouble making LTRs work. 1
Blind-Sided Posted July 22, 2021 Posted July 22, 2021 (edited) 4 hours ago, QuietRiot said: Actually, it was via mutual friends on social media. Sorry I didn't clarify Then I would most certainly take her out on a "Date". She may be unsure... but if you like her... a real date may help break the ice. Edited July 22, 2021 by Blind-Sided
clia Posted July 22, 2021 Posted July 22, 2021 6 minutes ago, Blind-Sided said: Then I would most certainly take her out on a "Date". She may be unsure... but if you like her... a real date may help break the ice. But she told him explicitly that she doesn't want to go on a date with him. 1
SumGuy Posted July 22, 2021 Posted July 22, 2021 6 hours ago, QuietRiot said: .... So it wasn't an outright rejection, because...most women wouldn't be up for meeting with me in any capacity and it would be an outright rejection...and she didn't use the "f" (friend word) or "going out as friends...so...I did agree to meet...but would I be wasting my time, should I spend time with her seeing that since we clicked so well...that she could form an attachment to me over time (considering that's how some relationships develop?) It was a maybe not now...and she is a unicorn so they are worth taking time and getting to know as friends. If you can be chill and be a friend yet still desire, a very hard thing for most to do but very attractive if can do it, you have a chance. Basically if you can enjoy just being with her without expectation it will lead to sex/more (but doesn't mean you can't desire or welcome it if it happens). The connection, the clicking, is the rarest thing. It is worth much risk in my mind. But really there is no risk, if you enjoy just talking to here that is reward enough for your time. Maybe pause in seeking others, but don't necessarily stop. In that regard then you are risking nothing, you are immensely enjoying and taking it for what it is but not letting it stop you from other opportunities. 2
Ami1uwant Posted July 22, 2021 Posted July 22, 2021 6 hours ago, QuietRiot said: I had met this woman recently that moved to the area. Very attractive, late 40s (me the same age), never married no kids (indeed a unicorn there, lol) We met online, and we really connected via our chat. She mentioned how sweet engaging I was. And was pretty good about mentioning how much she liked taste in music and other things (that's a first) She actually asked ME out for coffee. Even had a great time at the coffee shop. I asked for her number and she gave it to me. Later on, we chatted a little via text, then I asked her to dinner and a movie. She responded with "if feels nice that you want to get to know me better and it sounds fun, but also..romantic. She said she's not interested in dating. That she ended a relationship recently when she moved here and when she TRIED to dip her toes in the dating pool...she did not like it. She said she would rather focus on building her client base and herself for now...then responds with, "still interested?" Meaning, still interested in a dinner and movie. So it wasn't an outright rejection, because...most women wouldn't be up for meeting with me in any capacity and it would be an outright rejection...and she didn't use the "f" (friend word) or "going out as friends...so...I did agree to meet...but would I be wasting my time, should I spend time with her seeing that since we clicked so well...that she could form an attachment to me over time (considering that's how some relationships develop?) not surprised. She just moved there and wants to meet peop,e first and not get into any serious relationship. 1
ShyViolet Posted July 22, 2021 Posted July 22, 2021 7 hours ago, QuietRiot said: should I spend time with her seeing that since we clicked so well...that she could form an attachment to me over time (considering that's how some relationships develop?) Umm, no. She straight-up told you that she's not interested in dating. You need to listen to what she has said. You're kidding yourself if you still think that you can spend time with her to make her "form an attachment" to you. 2
ExpatInItaly Posted July 22, 2021 Posted July 22, 2021 1 hour ago, Blind-Sided said: Then I would most certainly take her out on a "Date". She told him she doesn't want to date. It is best to respect her wishes and not push it. 1
glows Posted July 22, 2021 Posted July 22, 2021 She's not interested. Treat her as a friend and meet others. 1
Author QuietRiot Posted July 23, 2021 Author Posted July 23, 2021 22 hours ago, jspice said: This. Plus, depending on the demographic he could be a potential client and/ or networking connection since she’s new to the area. She didn’t feel any romantic connection on your coffee date Who's to say she wasn't intending on this meeting was never intended to be romantic in her mind.
Herkamer Posted July 23, 2021 Posted July 23, 2021 She's not interested right now. Anytime when a woman says she's "focusing on herself", it's her way of saying that she's not wanting an intimate relationship with you. I don't mean to sound like a downer, but something to keep in mind, she may already be talking to another guy already. Assuming if I'm correct on this, my guess is at the time you asked her out, she may have had plans to go out with this other guy but it got cancelled under whatever the situation may be. Her asking you out for coffee could have been another instance where, at the last minute, her plans with the other guy were cancelled at that time as well (again, assuming I'm correct). The last thing to keep in mind her saying she's "focusing on herself" could mean she hasn't got over the last guy she had a serious relationship with yet. Her asking if you're still interested may sound good because it's assuming she has, but odds are she hasn't. I'd wait it out and don't do anything with her, just yet. If SHE is interested, she will come talk to you. You did your part and she said 'no.' If I had to take a shot in the dark about this, and, again, not to sound like a downer, she's already with another guy and you were the backup at the time. And the only reason she asked if you were still interested was because the main guy she's seeing hasn't got back to her yet. I'll give her the benefit of the doubt that she may not be looking for a romantic relationship, but if everything is correct, she may only want someone who will ONLY provide her security. Honestly, I'd continue going about my life and not worry about her.
Author QuietRiot Posted July 23, 2021 Author Posted July 23, 2021 3 minutes ago, Herkamer said: She's not interested right now. Anytime when a woman says she's "focusing on herself", it's her way of saying that she's not wanting an intimate relationship with you. I don't mean to sound like a downer, but something to keep in mind, she may already be talking to another guy already. Assuming if I'm correct on this, my guess is at the time you asked her out, she may have had plans to go out with this other guy but it got cancelled under whatever the situation may be. Her asking you out for coffee could have been another instance where, at the last minute, her plans with the other guy were cancelled at that time as well (again, assuming I'm correct). The last thing to keep in mind her saying she's "focusing on herself" could mean she hasn't got over the last guy she had a serious relationship with yet. Her asking if you're still interested may sound good because it's assuming she has, but odds are she hasn't. I'd wait it out and don't do anything with her, just yet. If SHE is interested, she will come talk to you. You did your part and she said 'no.' If I had to take a shot in the dark about this, and, again, not to sound like a downer, she's already with another guy and you were the backup at the time. And the only reason she asked if you were still interested was because the main guy she's seeing hasn't got back to her yet. I'll give her the benefit of the doubt that she may not be looking for a romantic relationship, but if everything is correct, she may only want someone who will ONLY provide her security. Honestly, I'd continue going about my life and not worry about her. But, she said she tried dipping her toes after having ended things with her LTR, and found dating unappealing. That said, she would be with another guy. Basically, she shouldn't be seeing anyone across the board based on the fact that dating does not appeal to her.
Kai_Kai Posted July 23, 2021 Posted July 23, 2021 On 7/22/2021 at 6:12 AM, QuietRiot said: I had met this woman recently that moved to the area. Very attractive, late 40s (me the same age), never married no kids (indeed a unicorn there, lol) We met online, and we really connected via our chat. She mentioned how sweet engaging I was. And was pretty good about mentioning how much she liked taste in music and other things (that's a first) She actually asked ME out for coffee. Even had a great time at the coffee shop. I asked for her number and she gave it to me. Later on, we chatted a little via text, then I asked her to dinner and a movie. She responded with "if feels nice that you want to get to know me better and it sounds fun, but also..romantic. She said she's not interested in dating. That she ended a relationship recently when she moved here and when she TRIED to dip her toes in the dating pool...she did not like it. She said she would rather focus on building her client base and herself for now...then responds with, "still interested?" Meaning, still interested in a dinner and movie. So it wasn't an outright rejection, because...most women wouldn't be up for meeting with me in any capacity and it would be an outright rejection...and she didn't use the "f" (friend word) or "going out as friends...so...I did agree to meet...but would I be wasting my time, should I spend time with her seeing that since we clicked so well...that she could form an attachment to me over time (considering that's how some relationships develop?) Sounds like you've been friended. Never married...no kids.She is an anomaly, who is either cool with her choices in life or had no choice in life (which means she's a total psycho). It's hard to tell.
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